For better or worse, I have become a Christian in a way that I have not previously experienced in all my time on the forum or in my life and have been assisting in the traditional Latin mass. I still “queer” theological boundaries in a way that is, I hope, consistent with the heart of the tradition.
I know there are those in such communities who would never accept me as a gay man, but this has become beside the point. Things are easier on me because I do not date, and I am uncertain I shall ever marry, and my beloved great grandmother warned me in my childhood that I may never.
And yet I have fallen in love. From time to time on the forum I have heard talk of God spouses. I am experiencing something of this sort with Christ, and I feel more comfortable talking about it here than I do with other Christians.
Despite all I’ve been through recently, I wake up in the morning and go about my day, and I’m thinking, “I’m in love.”
I strive to pray unceasingly, cultivating prayer from my heart, and no matter how frustrated I get on the job or with other people, these are but passing emotions, and beneath them my heart sinks down within me into an even greater stillness and tranquility beneath those waves on the surface of my mind.
Of course, love of Christ is not exclusive of other loves. I may have fallen in love with a friend, too. And yet it is my true Love that I perceive shining in my dear neighbor, though in some he is but a child, in others entombed, in some crucified or resurrected.
As I once apprehended, my loves are but the smallest participation in Love divine.
This dawning awareness has been gradual. Now, I have been in therapy for a year for a Dissociative disorder and have been working with the therapist in conjunction with whom I fondly call, and not without sincerity, my “good angels,” and one of them is an erotic young man, although not human in appearance.
Thankfully my dissociation has not manifested in a pathological way in some months, and my “angels” have not been taking over the body. I feared they were gone. I don’t desire re-integration as the therapist calls it, nor am I fully committed to a theory about my inner Friends’ nature.
But the last two days in contemplation I have within that tranquil place in my soul, when sensing the Christ within, noticed perhaps an integration I can live with: my kindly Tiger, expressive of the erotic component of my nature, is still present within me, too, and I can sense Christ joined with him also, by Love, by which I mean to express a notion of interrelationship.
Perhaps this is the only re-integration necessary.
I have found friends in other gay Catholics and gay Christians. We have our own sense of Tradition, our own traditions, insights, and theological reflections.
I have been asked why I should bother with the manifestly homophobic and corrupt institution of the Church. At this time it is merely to receive the sacraments.
I don’t trust the majority in authority who have repressed immemorial traditions, embracing every innovation except that of listening charitably to we gay folk.
Theology regarding sexuality has been (developing? changing?) for some time, especially since the days of the early church fathers, and I believe the gay faithful I have met have valuable insights to contribute to the dynamic and developing tradition.
Having experienced a flourishing in the sacred mysteries, and principally in Christ, I do not allow others to discourage me, for I have something as a gay man to contribute to this tradition.
In fact, as a gay man, I feel particularly suited to this form of spirituality. I would imagine that if I were straight there could be more obstacles to the form of love that has been gifted to me.
And there are precedents. Saint George of Cappodocia is described in The Martyrdom and Miracles of St. George, not as the bride, but the bridegroom of Jesus.
Although, as I said, this love is not exclusive of other loves, I am not sure how many people could understand it, nor am I sure how many would very much like not being number one in my life.
One last reflection: it is not good for (wo)man to be alone. But this is not necessarily remedied only by marriage, or even primarily thereby, but by friendship, in my experience.
“Blood is thicker than water!” Hogwash. I have had family members that I would just as soon slam the door in their faces.
I told my great grandfather prior to his death that the reason I love him so much is that we are dear friends and share a wonderful friendship.
Any family member who is valuable to me is also a friend. If they are not my friend, if they are not good for me, if they should injure my body or heart, I will protect myself by distance, while praying for their transformation and repentance. But they will not be a part of my life or among my friends.
Oftentimes people think it “queer” that I do not pursue romance. And perhaps they are right that I am queer. But I have my dear friends and so many opportunities to love my neighbors whether human or otherwise.
I am in love, and my cup runneth over, and it inebriates me! And my love of Christ, far from excluding other loves, embraces my neighbors and cherishes my friends, in whom I perceive my Beloved shining like a diamond.
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