Not having it work out

So, I’ve been trying for the last few months to work with the Christian God. Basically I had a dream where I turned away from a sign of Rhiannon and instead fell back on my bed. I prayed to God to remove from me the sin of Eve and the ceiling opened up. Eventually I did stop working with Rhiannon and instead worked on getting to know God. I even went to church for a few weeks. I’ve had a few strong experiences, such as *almost* having Jesus in a vision. But to be perfectly honest, I’m pretty unhappy. I find God much too jealous and restricting, The more liberal forms of theology seem to border of pantheistic, which isn’t my style. The God in Christianity is too ‘big’ for someone whose been a polytheist for years. I don’t feel compelled either to worship El or Yahweh in a pagan sense. I did get a card reading and her advice was to avoid pride, idol worship and to preform more rituals. It is very hard, however, to preform a to God whom you don’t have much of a connection with. I only feel guilty and like I’m obligated to do it. I just keep wondering why I even started this relationship with Him.

I think it was because of Mother Mary, though I’m not quite sure. My Mother keeps telling me that my problem is my lack of faith. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to have faith in however, as my Mothers god is very different from mine. I just feel really bad about it all, like I’m not trying hard enough to make things work out between me and God. But also, maybe we should part ways? I’m not really sure anymore. I did a bibliomancy reading about my anger and basically got a passage about throwing a broom in the fire and then asking why someone else threw your broom in the fire and demanding it back. Which makes sense, I did get rid of a lot that He didn’t ask me to, based on my own assumptions. But also, I feel like there is no going back from where we are now. Thanks for any advice and for listening to my ramble.

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