Hi! New and confused…

Hi! I’m all extremely new to any of this, I’ve always been on my own path in life but people have always come across my path. My most memorable experiences that have led me here (writing out this post) are ever since I was a child I found comfort in nature and even recall having extremely vivid “imaginary friends”, later in life I dare now call them ghosts. When I was 13 my mom’s friend noticed my anxiety and introduced me to crystals… I wouldn’t say I really knew what I’ve been doing since them except googling their “meanings”, picking them up, and carrying them with me. More than anything, I love just collecting them for the aesthetic! Tarot cards: my mom had some when I was in Mexico I picked up my own beautiful deck and I’ve “played” with them but as far as proper utilization? I can’t tell.

All in all, I adore the aesthetic of the pagan practice, I’ve time and time again looked into how to begin my own but I am physically so busy that I almost have no time–or honestly concentration–to dedicate the energy it needs.

However, this summer after years and years of abuse from my home-life I moved out of my mom’s and in with a friend. I can only imagine the sudden inclination towards the divine is due to having a clearer mind not constantly dedicated to making through my own personal hell.

Over the past six months, since leaving, I have found myself more than ever drawn to this feeling of maternal-ness. The desire and I want to even say calling towards healing, and children. Children used to overwhelm me and I feared to be alone with one, but now more than ever they bring me this light and comfort I cannot explain, and I’ve even decided to take on an internship with a midwife because of it. I’ve always adored plants, but without thinking I began growing my own garden putting together everything almost instinctively.

My whole life I have taken on the role of “big sister”. I help and care and guide, and not only that it’s as if people seeking this type of assistance are drawn to me.

Social media has sort of made things such as pagan practice very focused on, and I never wanted to assume myself as anything special just because it’s a “trend”… but I do find myself continuously find both lifestyle and physical signs of SOMETHING.

The coins, the almost need or draw towards children and healing, the incredibly strong desire to start a garden as if it’s a necessity, the childhood experiences with ghosts and un-familiar energies that always washed over me, pictures in my head that I can only call visions of a daughter in red.

I once saw a post about a goddess named Rhea, and from there this is when my curiosity peaked and I felt ever so drawn to all of this. I felt something I had never felt before seeing that name and being aware of her presence.

My whole draw towards this part of me is only especially obvious because I have always been a messy abstract type and a hardcore student who excels in math and sciences. I’m a mechanical engineer major! Can you imagine people’s faces when out of nowhere I said I wanted to intern for a midwife? And something in me is calling me towards the Peace Corps to do humanitarian work–a year ago I was training to become a Marine!

and above all the fact that it has become so evident in my life that I find myself here… writing this post for anyone who will listen or help.  This all could be a coincidence or me over-thinking and mean absolutely nothing. Or it could not? If anyone has an answer, I’d be grateful.

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