Yay! You have clicked on my thread so I’m hopeful I can get a good conversation going. I have tried reaching out to pagans before about this topic and it was a horrible disaster. I’m hoping the people here will be much more open to a conversation.
Ok, a little history on yours truly, PanSoka. You can call me Pan. You can call me Soka. I respond to any pronouns. I’m a pretty easy going person….most of the time. I’m 31 and I live in Virginia. I was raised Baptist throughout my childhood and by high school, I began to have doubts. I started researching other religions, mostly pagan religions as they appealed to me. I attempted to start practicing something similar but not entirely Wicca. But soon, life just happened and any religious or spiritual learning took a backseat. I slipped into being an agnostic, looking into things like Buddhism and Hinduism from time to time, but nothing really stuck. Fast forward to my late 20’s and I was having a good hard think about what I believed. It hit me both like a ton of bricks and fresh air at the same time. I did not believe in God. I did not believe that gods existed. It suddenly did not make sense to me. I struggled with it for a bit, but then it settled and I was very comfortable and felt as if a weight had lifted. The world made more sense.
Now, I know what you are thinking. Is this atheist seriously on our forum trying to convert us or insult us. NO! I am most certainly not. I’m just giving you the story how I feel it and experience it. This is not to insult you or belittle your religious beliefs at ALL. Please hear me out.
Ok, so some time went by. I’ve been an atheist for a few years now and for a while I’ve been quite happy with it. Recently, I’ve been feeling this pull. To give you a visual to maybe better explain it. Imagine religion sits on the side of a hill. Doubt and questioning are the side of the hill. The point of no return is the apex of the hill and it drops off to a cliff, at which sits yours truly. The valley is atheism. Its nice there, but the religious side of the hill is nice too (with the exception of a few extremists, but hey my valley has those too). Recently I’ve been feeling this tug. A gentle pull to the cliff face. I look up it and almost, for the briefest of seconds miss the other side. I miss that sense of community. I miss the “magick”. I miss belief. There are a few people at the top of the cliff throwing down ropes but none of them are long enough to reach me. I cannot climb the cliff.
And so here I sit, at the bottom of the cliff, comfortable in my valley, but kind of missing the hillside. Does that make sense to anyone? Anyone still with me so far?
Ok, so maybe you are wondering. Pan…what DO you believe? Well…that’s kind of simple but yet complicated. I do believe in a universal energy that is within everything and everyone. It is the energy that holds atoms together. It is the energy of fire, and the energy of rain. Potential and kenetic energy. Emotions. Planets and suns. Its all part of a vast flowing network of energy, all feeding into each other. Never ceasing, always existing. In a way, I guess you could call that “god”. But I don’t believe this energy to be sentient. At least not as a whole. Parts of it can be sentient, in the way you and I are sentient. My cat is sentient. Plants are sentient. Anything with life, is sentient. But potential energy doesn’t know that it will become kenetic energy. It doesn’t make that conscious decision. Wind, for me at least, is not consciously trying to blow my house over (though sometimes I swear its trying). Wind is just wind. It just is. And because this is how I view this energy, I don’t think, other than life forms, it can be influenced. I don’t feel it can be manipulated in any way except a physical one (redirecting water with a dam, picking a flower thus cutting off its nutrient supply, shielding your eyes from the sun). I do believe it can be experienced through physical and spiritual means, but not necessarily influenced.
Ok, sorry for the book. I’m just trying to set it all on the table. So what it all comes down to is, I have this urge to come back to paganism, but I just simply cannot reconcile my disbelief in god figures. I can’t climb back up that cliff and no one has been able to throw me a rope long enough. Its a switch I can’t turn back on. Trust me, I’ve tried. But again, I still have this urge to come sit at the bottom of the damn cliff, looking up and wondering what it would have been like if I hadn’t slid down into the valley.
If anyone has gotten this far, I thank you for at the very least, hearing me out. I attempted to get some feedback from a reddit group and was met with only hostile responses (save for like two people, one of whom directed me here).
So, anyone want to chat with me here about this here cliff and what I should maybe do about it? Anyone kind of in the same boat want to come sit by the cliff with me? I’m just lost here.