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Author Topic: Emotional Self Defense, Psychic Self Defense  (Read 2419 times)

Ceath

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Emotional Self Defense, Psychic Self Defense
« on: November 21, 2015, 02:49:46 pm »
Recently I have become aware of a few ways in which people are emotionally manipulated and pressured into doing things or adopting certain beliefs.

I have noticed that sometimes people use emotional upset and use tears to try to manipulate people into a relationship with them. They also present a posture of patheticness and may try to use guilt to pressure someone into an unwanted relationship.

I am not saying that another persons emotional upset should never be heeded but being empathetic to a persons upset can be problematic if the person is a toxic person and being in a relationship with them is not a good thing.

And so boundaries are important.

So recently I have been watching a few martial arts movies and started thinking about how self-defense on all levels is important. So in addition to physical self-defense I have noticed that emotional self-defense is also important.

Are there any manuals on emotional self-defense that help one protect oneself from the emotional manipulations of toxic people?

Also this seems to be related to the concept of psychic self-defense.

I have noticed that to have an emotional connection with a toxic person can be just really not good and can be emotional damaging. And part of what I read about psychic protection is that there are different strategies of severing an emotional cord with someone who is just a bad person to have an emotional connection with.

And so I am wondering if anyone knows of any books that address the topic of emotional self defense or if anyone knows of any books on psychic self defense that also address the topic of emotional self defense.

Or not only books, if anyone has any of their own ideas or ideas they have heard that they would like to share.

It seems important though to be aware of the different types of manipulations people may try to use so that one doesn't treat those manipulations as a sincere expression of emotion by the other person.

Any ideas on this would be appreciated. I think it relates to maintaining the integrity of the aura.

It's important people understand the value of saying no and the value of asserting boundaries and the value of not being defiled through a toxic relationship. Also this can relate to energy cleansing. Perhaps exorcism rituals were rooted in cleansing people from the toxic effects of toxic relationships.

jsquared

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Re: Emotional Self Defense, Psychic Self Defense
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2015, 03:55:02 pm »
Quote from: Ceath;182549

Are there any manuals on emotional self-defense that help one protect oneself from the emotional manipulations of toxic people?

 
Since I think most emotionally manipulative people are coming from a mundane, rather than magical, place, I'd recommend more mundane materials. Books like The Gift of Fear have been very helpful for me in recognizing manipulative tactics (though it leans more towards the abusive side of manipulation, and skip the domestic violence chapter if you're a domestic violence survivor). Something like Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You has gotten good reviews for more general emotional manipulation. Captain Awkward is my favorite advice blogger for the setting and maintaining of boundaries.

As far as psychic attack, however, I don't know of much beyond basic cleansing and shielding practices or things like witch bottles meant to combat attacks. It's not really an area I worry about, for better or worse. Hopefully someone else will have resources to point you to!

Jenett

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Re: Emotional Self Defense, Psychic Self Defense
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2015, 04:52:12 pm »
Quote from: Ceath;182549
Are there any manuals on emotional self-defense that help one protect oneself from the emotional manipulations of toxic people?

So, the first thing I'd say is that one of the most potent methods of managing this kind of thing is a regular practice centred on self-awareness and awareness of how your choices are affecting your goals.

This can include everything from journaling to meditation to therapy or counselling with an appropriate professional to simple self-awareness checkins on a daily or regular basis to an ongoing commitment to reading things that make you think about common types of issues to - well, you can keep adding, I'm sure.

(A bunch of practices in the religious traditions I'm most familiar with do this, too: everything from grounding and centering or divination in Pagan traditions to the Ignatian spiritual practices in Catholicism, to scriptural study in a number of religions of the book.)

The other big one is choosing - as much as one can - to spend time with people who are, as one of my friends (and a mutual ex of my ex-husband, with whom this was a relevant point) says: "You must be this tall to ride this ride."

I don't expect my friends to be perfect - but I do choose to spend my time with people who *want* to be decent, fair, reciprocal, reasonable adults. We have give and take all the time - some years, someone will need more support. Sometime I will. But there's a way that works when everyone's trying for that endgoal that doesn't work if one or more people in an equation aren't willing to do that work, be self-aware, and attentive to how they're treating others.

(Also, this is the tenth anniversary of my ex-husband and I separating: I've been single since then, though with some great friends, and honestly, I would *much* rather have this than a not-good relationship. Life's too short to have relationships that make me miserable or are more work than pleasure and mutual support.)

Sometimes you really can't escape someone easily, or the good parts are good enough or important enough to you that you put up with the bad parts. But recognising when that's the case means you can put better boundaries around behaviours, how and when you spend time with someone, and so on. I love my mother, but for several years, we didn't talk, and then for a bunch of others, it was touchy in places.

These days, she's learned how not to be difficult about the stuff that was really a no-go for me, I spent a lot of time finding safe topics to talk about (I joke that my safe subject with her is Richard III, but it's true!), and making sure that mostly I see her either for limited time or when I've got some of my own plans and/or transportation. (Without that, I'm good for about a 3 day visit at most.)

So, resources. I second the Gift of Fear recommendation (and I'd note that the domestic violence chapter is a difficulty for three reasons: he and his mother were victims of domestic violence, it's a subject that's clearly much more personal to him than others in the book - and so the clear view he gives of other kinds of issues is very different in that chapter - and also that the book's old enough that some of how we view domestic violence and responses has changed a lot. Which is good, but yeah, that chapter.

I also definitely second the Captain Awkward rec, and I'd add, for more professional/workplace/organised hobby issues, Ask A Manager (http://askamanager.org).

I'd add Suzette Haden Elgin's books - the classic is The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense but there's a number of others, and if you fit into any of the specific groups for those, they might be helpful. They're really good at helping explore scripts for disengaging from emotionally manipulative conversations that are not to your taste. (If you are a strongly tactile or kinesthetic sort of person rather than good with words, I also really recommend her Try to Feel It My Way, even if you have to go out of your way to dig up a copy)

One of the classics on the topic is also Dion Fortune's Psychic Self-Defence and I'd recommend it with caveats that it needs to be read with an understanding of the esoteric community at the time, Fortune's own background (which is esoteric groups, not Pagan), and not thinking there's lurking stuff around every corner.

Finally, I think it's good psychic hygeine practice to do some things regularly:

- Regular cleansing practice for self and home (or at least your sleeping space)

- Be thoughtful about the energies you bring into your home. Think about what you're watching, listening to, and reading, in particular, as well as who you welcome as a person and who you don't. If a lot of your media consumption pushes unhealthy relationship models (or just plain models you don't want), it's going to confuse your goals for a quieter less drama-filled life.

(Moderation is really the key here: I enjoy reading romance novels, which often do problematic relationship models in various ways, but they're by no means the only or majority thing I read. I listen to the news, but I don't own a TV in part because I found that having it on in the background wasn't good for me, and for news in particular, I'm usually better with radio, in smallish chunks, not all the time. Etc.)

- If you have problematic relationships where part of the problem is you, do what you can to make that right, or to break things off, whichever is necessary. Having stuff in limbo that's emotionally weird (that you're contributing to or did) makes you more open to other people doing similar things to you, in my experience, where setting clear boundaries and then following through on them tends to shut down the loose ends.

- My website section on practices at the top at http://gleewood.org/seeking/practices/ has several relevant pages (specifically the last couple in that first section): if you have past problematic relationships and find yourself repeating the same patterns over and over, trying the tie-severing work once you've done your best to resolve the situation other ways might be useful.

- And in general, I tend to think that the same pattern repeating over and over again is often either that we're doing something that we don't realise that keeps making that happen (sometimes consciously, but usually not, but this is where the self-awareness work comes in), or that there's some thing the universe is trying to get through our thick skulls.

- In my experience, it's really common to take a step back, decide to change a thing, hold firm for another round or two of it, and then everything shifts in the direction you want. (It does usually take a test or two of 'are you going to do the same thing? No? Sure about that?' before it settles into the new pattern, but I've found that noticing it only takes one or two repeats helps me decide to make the pattern shift in the first place.)

- Finally, I generally think that a lot of emotional manipulation isn't conscious on the part of the person doing it. (This doesn't make it any better, but it means that the action choices are a bit different.) Again, refusing to play that game, in various ways, often helps a lot. Be aware that sometimes things get worse before they get better: look at the term 'extinction burst' as applied to bad relationships.
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Ceath

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Re: Emotional Self Defense, Psychic Self Defense
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2015, 08:38:15 pm »
Quote from: jsquared;182551
Since I think most emotionally manipulative people are coming from a mundane, rather than magical, place, I'd recommend more mundane materials.


Thanks for the book recommendations, I saved them on my amazon wish list. As for the issue of fear I consider fear to be an important emotion. In the mid 90s there was a series of books called "Conversations With God" by Neale Donald Walsch which promoted the whole idea that love was the opposite of fear and that we should reject fear. And this notion that fear is evil has been repeated by many people and I really think fear is a rational emotion, not in all instances, but it definitely serves a purpose and should be listened to when it is appropriate to listen to it. The idea fear is an evil emotion is a misleading notion.

Quote from: Jenett;182556
So, the first thing I'd say is that one of the most potent methods of managing this kind of thing...


Thanks for your detailed reply, read through what you wrote and am taking what you said into consideration.

Faemon

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Re: Emotional Self Defense, Psychic Self Defense
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2015, 10:28:01 pm »
Quote from: Ceath;182549
Recently I have become aware of a few ways in which people are emotionally manipulated and pressured into doing things or adopting certain beliefs.

...

And so I am wondering if anyone knows of any books that address the topic of emotional self defense or if anyone knows of any books on psychic self defense that also address the topic of emotional self defense.

Or not only books, if anyone has any of their own ideas or ideas they have heard that they would like to share.


I found a study of the Duluth Wheel of Power and Control interesting. It's almost like a lamen portal to an incursive Otherworld of somebody else's worldview.

One thing that helped me emotionally and psychically was discovering a specific spirit guide or familiar, in Jungian terms I suppose that would be my Animus. That's just the best placeholder for the psychic (possibly pertaining to the psyche) spirit work that I do. I'm still trying to figure out why the Animus actualized when it/he did and how, and if that procedure can even be applied to anyone else in an emotionally tough spot. As it is, I only know the effects of dissociating myself from my Animus, which is that I felt healed where I had once been devastated, suddenly had more resilience and joy in life than I ever thought possible...and that would be a good trick to write down once I've figured it out. Unless it's another one of those hashtagging Mysteries of the work. :mad:
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Ceath

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Re: Emotional Self Defense, Psychic Self Defense
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2015, 10:39:09 pm »
Quote from: Faemon;182579
I found a study of the Duluth Wheel of Power and Control interesting. It's almost like a lamen portal to an incursive Otherworld of somebody else's worldview.

One thing that helped me emotionally and psychically was discovering a specific spirit guide or familiar, in Jungian terms I suppose that would be my Animus.

I found the Duluth Wheel, I like the fact it reveals a range of tactics.

http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/powerandcontrol.pdf

I heard some people recommend guided meditation or hypnosis to get in touch with spirit guides.

Your input is appreciated.
« Last Edit: November 21, 2015, 10:39:26 pm by Ceath »

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