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Author Topic: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!  (Read 10161 times)

SatSekhem

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You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« on: July 06, 2011, 04:24:34 pm »
I don't know about anyone else, but when it comes to this faith, it all feels extremely rocky to me. I'm scared and uncertain. I have no fucking clue what the hell I'm doing most of the time. I feel like the silences I get from my netjeret means that she is supremely upset with me or that I did screw something up, but I just don't know what. I feel like I'm treading water in a storm-tossed sea and I just can't keep up anymore.

I worry all the time about it. It got so bad a few months ago that I just... I froze, I think? I stopped performing the daily rite that I had been doing every day. I know a lot of the issues were mundane (work was breaking through to corrupt my personal and spiritual life, more or less). However, that's not it in its entirety. I had so many clamoring fears and questions and uncertainties that I just didn't know what to do anymore. Instead of making an active decision, I stuck my head in the sand.

And that's where I am.

What about you? Where are you? :confused:
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SatAset

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2011, 06:13:16 pm »
Quote from: SatSekhem;2070
I don't know about anyone else, but when it comes to this faith, it all feels extremely rocky to me. I'm scared and uncertain. I have no fucking clue what the hell I'm doing most of the time. I feel like the silences I get from my netjeret means that she is supremely upset with me or that I did screw something up, but I just don't know what. I feel like I'm treading water in a storm-tossed sea and I just can't keep up anymore.


And that's where I am.

What about you? Where are you? :confused:


Aset had this to say:

Do not be afraid.  I am here, My child.  Sekhmet is with you in your fear and confusion.  Do not be afraid.  We are all around you.  Breathe and take in the blessings of Shu.  Calm yourself of worries and unfounded fear.  

Sekhmet and I will help you.  Call out to Us and we will be there.  Cleanse yourself with natron, light a candle and We will come.  Now.  

Do not hesitate.  Do let fear cloud your mind.  Do not let fear paralyze you.  

Cleanse yourself of your fear.  Pray to Us as you bathe in the natron water.  You will be renewed.  Your ka will be renewed.  

Come to your shrine.  We will be waiting for you.  Always.  
 
Now for me:

Where am I?  Apparently, I'm giving Aset's messages out to people.  Heh.  :-)

 I went through a period of 6 months where I hardly did any ritual at all.  But I really needed a break.  And I went back to doing ritual when I could.  

But I went back slowly.  I did Senut once a week, then twice, etc.  I'm just getting to the point where I'm doing it three times a week now.  Maybe more depending on how this week goes.

I found that Aset would prefer if I did Senut (unless I'm sick or bleeding), but if I can't then I just light a candle (giving her the sunrise) or give an offering (renewing our kau).  I at least connect with Her, y'know?  What you can do is always enough.
I am the Goddess of Who I can Become. I mix the magic of the sorceress with the blade of a warrior. I walk the liminal pathways to see the face of the Goddess, both terrible and kind. As She stares back at me, I tremble in awe and ecstasy.  --SatAset

Firaza

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2011, 06:25:01 pm »
Quote from: SatSekhem;2070
What about you? Where are you? :confused:

 
I'm in some kind of spiritual block right now.

I don't feel particularly disconnected from Anpu since He has always been a quiet deity, and He made it clear some months ago that no matter how silent He is, I don't have to worry about losing my connection with Him. However, I have no motivation to pray, make offerings, or perform rites. I don't know how to get inspired to do regular practice again.

Devo

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2011, 06:29:22 pm »
Quote from: SatSekhem;2070

What about you? Where are you? :confused:


I am... here. I think.

I was going along smoothly. Daily ritual for quite some time. I got used to Set coming and going. I wasn't sure if I was doing it right, but I was trying, and I figured that was enough.

Then one day, I hit a brick wall. A huge brick wall. Set said- You're going the wrong way. You need to go down this path for a while. And it was like the Netjeru vanished. Entirely. I sat in front of my other statues, trying to reach out to them. They told me the same thing- that Set was taking me somewhere. You can't stay here. More or less giving me the cold shoulder. I really didn't know what to make of it.

So I stopped my daily rite. I tried to continue mine for Set, but it didn't feel right. So I stopped all together, and I did as he said. I went down a different path. That path was Shintoism. It has helped me immensely. I've learned a lot about myself, about how I fit into the world around me, etc. But now, Set is bringing me back to the Kemetic side. And I'm not sure what to do. Do I blend the two, do I create and perform separate rites for both... what? I mean, keeping an ofuda is a big deal to me. It's almost the equivalent of having an open statue- the divine is being invited into your space through that paper.

So I'm a bit nervous. It's all a little overwhelming.

But alas, I am pushing forward. Trying to figure things out as I go. Hopefully it all makes sense one day.

-Devo
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Firaza

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2011, 07:32:42 pm »
Quote from: Devo;2170
I went down a different path. That path was Shintoism. It has helped me immensely. I've learned a lot about myself, about how I fit into the world around me, etc.

 
I don't mean to derail the thread, but this piqued my curiosity. Ever since I studied in Japan, I've had immense respect for Shinto and its pervasiveness in Japanese culture. I can't help but be so utterly moved by its power. I had thought my spiritual block meant that I had to focus more and more on the Kemetic path, but now I'm wondering if a different path is something I should consider exploring instead, if it could help bring about what I feel is missing.

SatSekhem

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2011, 07:38:53 pm »
Quote from: Firaza;2214
I don't mean to derail the thread, but this piqued my curiosity. Ever since I studied in Japan, I've had immense respect for Shinto and its pervasiveness in Japanese culture. I can't help but be so utterly moved by its power. I had thought my spiritual block meant that I had to focus more and more on the Kemetic path, but now I'm wondering if a different path is something I should consider exploring instead, if it could help bring about what I feel is missing.

 
I think this would be an interesting thread in and of itself.
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In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams

Devo

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2011, 07:57:02 pm »
Quote from: Firaza;2214
I don't mean to derail the thread, but this piqued my curiosity. Ever since I studied in Japan, I've had immense respect for Shinto and its pervasiveness in Japanese culture. I can't help but be so utterly moved by its power. I had thought my spiritual block meant that I had to focus more and more on the Kemetic path, but now I'm wondering if a different path is something I should consider exploring instead, if it could help bring about what I feel is missing.

 
It's very possible. Ironically, Shintoism and Kemeticism aren't really all that different in their nature. They overlap very nicely. Which is probably why it's helped me so much.

-Devo
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Firaza

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2011, 09:19:06 pm »
Quote from: SatSekhem;2219
I think this would be an interesting thread in and of itself.

 
Well, I made the thread. Anyone interested in continuing that particular discussion can do so there!

Nehet

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2011, 09:50:57 pm »
Quote from: SatSekhem;2070
I don't know about anyone else, but when it comes to this faith, it all feels extremely rocky to me. I'm scared and uncertain. I have no fucking clue what the hell I'm doing most of the time. I feel like the silences I get from my netjeret means that she is supremely upset with me or that I did screw something up, but I just don't know what. I feel like I'm treading water in a storm-tossed sea and I just can't keep up anymore.

I worry all the time about it. It got so bad a few months ago that I just... I froze, I think? I stopped performing the daily rite that I had been doing every day. I know a lot of the issues were mundane (work was breaking through to corrupt my personal and spiritual life, more or less). However, that's not it in its entirety. I had so many clamoring fears and questions and uncertainties that I just didn't know what to do anymore. Instead of making an active decision, I stuck my head in the sand.

And that's where I am.

What about you? Where are you? :confused:

 
Honestly?  Terrified.  

"High priest?"  I don't want to go there.  I don't want to be in the same room with that word.  It has too much baggage, and it sets expectations way too high.

At the same time, there's an image I just can't get out of my head.  Last year, at the King Tut exhibit, I saw a for-real cult image of Ausir.   I spent a lot of time looking at it, examining every detail closely.  I didn't feel anything really intense but I keep looking at his face.  Serene.  Compassionate.   Finally, I realize that there's the whole rest of the exhibit to see and the museum is eventually going to close.  So...on my way.  I look once more at the statue, make the subtlest of bows, and leave.

That night, I wake up crying.  Why?  Because I couldn't remember what his face looked like.  In my dreams, something in me was trying to re-create that statue.  I hadn't thought seeing Him was a big deal.  It had been thousands of years, right?  Couldn't possibly still be open.  At the same time, something about that statue had left an indelible mark on my unconscious mind.  Something in me could not stop seeking him out.  

I didn't choose this.  I always thought I would just hoe onions.  I guess that's not the plan.  And I, too, am afraid I'll screw  it up.  I'll lose him...I'll drop him...etc.  Believe me, I've thought of every worst possible case scenario.  

But I can't shake the itch.  

So, yeah.  I get scared.
See, life is but a movement of eternal return.  Even Trees fall ~ Berlin papyrus 3024, (A man tired of life).

Live, Ausir, for all time and all eternity! Ankh Neheh Djet!

Nehet

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2011, 09:58:10 pm »
Quote from: SatAset;2159
Come to your shrine.  We will be waiting for you.  Always.  

Where am I?  Apparently, I'm giving Aset's messages out to people.  Heh.  :-)

Well, I appreciate it.  Actually, I'm tearing up a little.

Is it just me or is there some interesting energy going on with this SIG at the moment?

People are being all authentic and transparent and stuff.  It's kind of cool to see.  Doesn't happen much on the Internet.
« Last Edit: July 06, 2011, 09:58:48 pm by Nehet »
See, life is but a movement of eternal return.  Even Trees fall ~ Berlin papyrus 3024, (A man tired of life).

Live, Ausir, for all time and all eternity! Ankh Neheh Djet!

Sage

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #10 on: July 06, 2011, 10:02:32 pm »
Quote from: Nehet;2331
Well, I appreciate it.  Actually, I'm tearing up a little.

Is it just me or is there some interesting energy going on with this SIG at the moment?

People are being all authentic and transparent and stuff.  It's kind of cool to see.  Doesn't happen much on the Internet.

 
*hugs for Nehet*

Just an outsider who's been watching this SIG with interest. I definitely feel from way over here that something pretty nifty's going on at the moment. I'm not Kemetic (how many times have I said that in the past few days, heh) and only have passing acquaintance with a few Netjer, but even I'm feeling the deep emotions coming from these threads.
Maker, though the darkness comes upon me,
I shall embrace the light. I shall weather the storm.
I shall endure.
What you have created, no one can tear asunder.

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Firaza

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #11 on: July 06, 2011, 10:11:15 pm »
Quote from: Nehet;2331
Well, I appreciate it.  Actually, I'm tearing up a little.

Is it just me or is there some interesting energy going on with this SIG at the moment?

People are being all authentic and transparent and stuff.  It's kind of cool to see.  Doesn't happen much on the Internet.

 
I feel it too. I'm not sure what it is, but it's a good feeling, like we've been bottling this up for a while.

Devo

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #12 on: July 06, 2011, 10:15:12 pm »
Quote from: Firaza;2341
I feel it too. I'm not sure what it is, but it's a good feeling, like we've been bottling this up for a while.

 
Same here. I hope this leads to bigger, better things somehow.


Maybe we just needed a change of scenery. New forum. New start.

-Devo
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Darkhawk

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #13 on: July 06, 2011, 10:24:21 pm »
Quote from: Devo;2233
It's very possible. Ironically, Shintoism and Kemeticism aren't really all that different in their nature. They overlap very nicely. Which is probably why it's helped me so much.

 
Shinto is one of the places I look for gap-patching, actually.  (ATR/ADRs, Hinduism, Shinto, and Judaism are my go-to religions to look for stuff to nick to patch gaps in my Kemetic theology.  They're all similar in different ways, so...)
as the water grinds the stone
we rise and fall
as our ashes turn to dust
we shine like stars    - Covenant, "Bullet"

Darkhawk

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Re: You're Scared; I'm Scared. Let's Be Scared Together!
« Reply #14 on: July 06, 2011, 11:26:57 pm »
Quote from: SatSekhem;2070

What about you? Where are you? :confused:

 
I am ... complicated.

I am really freaking complicated.

The recon-ish side of things is pretty simple, actually.  I'd be happy if I could just play there, do research, write my book, and do my stuff without additional hassle.

This is not the hand of cards I was dealt, and Neb.y thinks it's the funniest thing since the Darwin Awards.

I swear at Him a lot.
as the water grinds the stone
we rise and fall
as our ashes turn to dust
we shine like stars    - Covenant, "Bullet"

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