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Author Topic: I've had at least four epiphanies in the past week.  (Read 510 times)

Sharysa

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I've had at least four epiphanies in the past week.
« on: April 09, 2012, 08:54:14 pm »
Well, more like four big epiphanies and numerous sub-epiphanies connected to the main ones.

So, completely failing at my Spring Awakening audition forced me to think about various things I was doing wrong. After praying to the Morrigan for another shot at it and being granted one, I really have nothing else to do but think about my life and why I'm neither happy nor where I want to be.

    I blew my
Spring Awakening audition because I had two reasons for going after it--one good, one bad. The good reason: I really do love that play and how its message resonates with people. The bad reason: I was also hoping that getting cast in an award-winning musical would finally turn my family around and make them accept my career decision to be an actor.

Sub-epiphany 1: I feel that the bad reason was why I lost my nerve and completely fucked it up. I knew in the back of my head that if they hadn't come around after five years, no amount of theatrical success would change that.

Sub-epiphany 2: Since I was always trying to get someone else's approval instead of just doing what I wanted, I could never really get ahead in acting no matter how well I actually did.


  • Listening to my family never made me happy--it just kept me safe.
Sub-epiphany: They mean well, but they constantly used guilt-trips or emotional blackmail to make me do what they want, which was wrong. And the guilt-trips/blackmail used to work on me because of what happened with my dad ten years ago.


  • What happened ten years ago is why I thought I could never be successful/happy/accepted, because I always thought in the back of my head that it was my fault and I had to pay for it.
Sub-epiphany 1: It wasn't my fault because I was twelve. I was a kid who needed help, not a backstabbing traitor. If my mom can't accept that I listened to law enforcement instead of her, that's her problem.

Sub-epiphany 2: It would never have happened if Dad hadn't been messed up from drug-abuse recovery, but no matter how much Dad regrets everything and how much he's legally "atoned" for it, that does not excuse what he did. Nor does it excuse the ten years of his absence and my ensuing trust/esteem/relationship issues.

Sub-epiphany 3: Refusing to think about it doesn't mean I've moved on from it. But now that I know the difference, I can figure out how to make it hurt less without desperately trying to ignore it.


  • I deserve to be happy.
Sub-epiphany 1: I was afraid of thinking that because I was afraid to admit that maybe I didn't deserve to have my life fucked up for no reason, and maybe Mom was wrong to blame me, even unintentionally. And maybe she was wrong to smother me for ten years out of a misguided need to protect me.

Sub-epiphany 2: That doesn't make any of us bad people, but I still deserve to finally get mad about it. At least for now.

Sub-epiphany 3: Happiness includes love.
-Even the romantic kind.
-Even in real life.
-Even for me.
[/list]

Now that I know what's going on in my head, I can finally start changing things, but it's still extremely tiring.

I'd like some energy to keep making progress, please.
« Last Edit: April 09, 2012, 09:00:45 pm by Sharysa »
On hiatus, but might pop in now and then. Just making it official.

My blog. 40% normal, 60% spiritual, 500% details.

R03e

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Re: I've had at least four epiphanies in the past week.
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2012, 09:41:11 pm »
Quote from: Sharysa;49462
Well, more like four big epiphanies and numerous sub-epiphanies connected to the main ones.

So, completely failing at my Spring Awakening audition forced me to think about various things I was doing wrong. After praying to the Morrigan for another shot at it and being granted one, I really have nothing else to do but think about my life and why I'm neither happy nor where I want to be.

    I blew my
Spring Awakening audition because I had two reasons for going after it--one good, one bad. The good reason: I really do love that play and how its message resonates with people. The bad reason: I was also hoping that getting cast in an award-winning musical would finally turn my family around and make them accept my career decision to be an actor.

Sub-epiphany 1: I feel that the bad reason was why I lost my nerve and completely fucked it up. I knew in the back of my head that if they hadn't come around after five years, no amount of theatrical success would change that.

Sub-epiphany 2: Since I was always trying to get someone else's approval instead of just doing what I wanted, I could never really get ahead in acting no matter how well I actually did.


  • Listening to my family never made me happy--it just kept me safe.
Sub-epiphany: They mean well, but they constantly used guilt-trips or emotional blackmail to make me do what they want, which was wrong. And the guilt-trips/blackmail used to work on me because of what happened with my dad ten years ago.


  • What happened ten years ago is why I thought I could never be successful/happy/accepted, because I always thought in the back of my head that it was my fault and I had to pay for it.
Sub-epiphany 1: It wasn't my fault because I was twelve. I was a kid who needed help, not a backstabbing traitor. If my mom can't accept that I listened to law enforcement instead of her, that's her problem.

Sub-epiphany 2: It would never have happened if Dad hadn't been messed up from drug-abuse recovery, but no matter how much Dad regrets everything and how much he's legally "atoned" for it, that does not excuse what he did. Nor does it excuse the ten years of his absence and my ensuing trust/esteem/relationship issues.

Sub-epiphany 3: Refusing to think about it doesn't mean I've moved on from it. But now that I know the difference, I can figure out how to make it hurt less without desperately trying to ignore it.


  • I deserve to be happy.
Sub-epiphany 1: I was afraid of thinking that because I was afraid to admit that maybe I didn't deserve to have my life fucked up for no reason, and maybe Mom was wrong to blame me, even unintentionally. And maybe she was wrong to smother me for ten years out of a misguided need to protect me.

Sub-epiphany 2: That doesn't make any of us bad people, but I still deserve to finally get mad about it. At least for now.

Sub-epiphany 3: Happiness includes love.
-Even the romantic kind.
-Even in real life.
-Even for me.
[/list]

Now that I know what's going on in my head, I can finally start changing things, but it's still extremely tiring.

I'd like some energy to keep making progress, please.

 
(((Lots of energy for you))))  I think the root of this problem is solely on your guilt. If you are focused on impressing them then you are going to fail not because you are a bad actor but because you are too focused on them.
R03e

Sharysa

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Re: I've had at least four epiphanies in the past week.
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2012, 09:53:11 pm »
Quote from: R03e;49470
(((Lots of energy for you))))  I think the root of this problem is solely on your guilt. If you are focused on impressing them then you are going to fail not because you are a bad actor but because you are too focused on them.

 
Yeah, the Morrigan had to wring that answer out of me. Thanks for replying.
On hiatus, but might pop in now and then. Just making it official.

My blog. 40% normal, 60% spiritual, 500% details.

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