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Author Topic: I'm not even sure what to be asking for  (Read 794 times)

BigDestiny

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I'm not even sure what to be asking for
« on: October 29, 2012, 08:30:51 pm »
My grandmother's health is not what it once was, though it seems to have leveled out.  The problem is that she's become so negative and manipulative lately.  Generally unpleasant to be around, and I don't know what to do about it.  She doesn't respond to reason anymore.  I don't know what to ask the god and goddess for (death would be a little much, and I don't think that they're interested in giving her the health and constitution of a woman 20 years her junior).  All I know is that I don't want my memories of her last years to be tainted with the reminder of how much we didn't like her.

MadZealot

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Re: I'm not even sure what to be asking for
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2012, 08:58:07 pm »
Quote from: BigDestiny;78701
I'm not even sure what to be asking for


A little patience and forbearance on your part.  That'd be a good start.

If your grandmother is that ill she may be in considerable pain, which would drive a person of any age to utter crankiness.
Also, her mental capacity may be slipping.  

Rather than not liking her, consider instead that she might be suffering.  

Try and remember these things and feel sympathy for her.
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Re: I'm not even sure what to be asking for
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2012, 09:35:30 pm »
Quote from: BigDestiny;78701
My grandmother's health is not what it once was, though it seems to have leveled out.  The problem is that she's become so negative and manipulative lately.  Generally unpleasant to be around, and I don't know what to do about it.  She doesn't respond to reason anymore.  I don't know what to ask the god and goddess for (death would be a little much, and I don't think that they're interested in giving her the health and constitution of a woman 20 years her junior).  All I know is that I don't want my memories of her last years to be tainted with the reminder of how much we didn't like her.

 
((BigDestiny))

Yeah, try to take it easy on her, as she may also be trying to come to terms with her mortality, if she hasn't slipped mentally.

Perhaps trying asking your god and goddess for patience and strength for you, and peace and love for your grandmother.
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Annie Roonie

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Re: I'm not even sure what to be asking for
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2012, 09:52:42 pm »
Quote from: BigDestiny;78701
All I know is that I don't want my memories of her last years to be tainted with the reminder of how much we didn't like her.

 
I haven't been on the front lines of something like this because when my grandmother and aunt passed, they both went with their wits about them mostly. But my parents and other family members have been on the front lines for a few that have passed with Alzheimer's and conditions involving mental deterioration. All I could do at a distance to help them was to read up on elder care and how it effects the caregivers. It's so tough. I feel for you all.

It turns out there is quite a bit of useful information out there about how to handle things. There are resources for all kinds of elder care (not just Alzheimer's) on the net, and likely near where you live as well. It's worth looking into IMO because it isn't only about the elderly but also caregivers. They need to take care of themselves too in all kinds of ways. And it may help to find out what others have done and how it worked for them.

It doesn't have to be about death to look into these things. It can be about how to live so that those earlier memories are not forgotten in the midst of the turmoil, guilt and other things that can happen to everyone involved.

Sending love. But here's some simple Google fu too.  Apologies if you have already been through this kind of searching.

BigDestiny

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Re: I'm not even sure what to be asking for
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2012, 10:32:19 pm »
Quote from: Annie Roonie;78715

Sending love. But here's some simple Google fu too.  Apologies if you have already been through this kind of searching.

 
Thank you all for your thoughts, and especially the Google search.  I didn't think we were at that point yet, but the articles that came up have been very interesting.  I think it will be especially good for my mother, who has been taking it much harder than I have.

HeartShadow

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Re: I'm not even sure what to be asking for
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2012, 10:15:30 am »
Quote from: BigDestiny;78701
My grandmother's health is not what it once was, though it seems to have leveled out.  The problem is that she's become so negative and manipulative lately.  Generally unpleasant to be around, and I don't know what to do about it.  She doesn't respond to reason anymore.  I don't know what to ask the god and goddess for (death would be a little much, and I don't think that they're interested in giving her the health and constitution of a woman 20 years her junior).  All I know is that I don't want my memories of her last years to be tainted with the reminder of how much we didn't like her.

 
If we're talking massive personality change, that's a huge red flag to talk to the doctors about.  That was the biggest sign that there was a problem with my FIL, and since they didn't talk about it, he didn't get the support he really needed.

She might well just be in pain and cranky.  She might be staring mortality in the face and not liking what she sees.  OR - she might need help.

SunflowerP

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Re: I'm not even sure what to be asking for
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2012, 09:10:07 pm »
Quote from: HeartShadow;78938
She might well just be in pain and cranky.  She might be staring mortality in the face and not liking what she sees.  OR - she might need help.

 
I'm going to note, first, that none of these are mutually exclusive; all of them could apply to some extent.

And I'll add another that hasn't been addressed in this thread:  she could be cranky about loss of personal autonomy.  Some of that is inevitable with age - if your body is no longer able to do things you need to do, you're dependent on someone else to do it for you.  But some of it isn't; too often, people just make decisions on behalf of the elderly, without making the effort to consult the elderly person about their own wishes.  That can get tricky; sometimes it's not possible to do it the way the elderly person wants - f'ex, they might want to keep on living in their own place even though they're no longer able to manage alone, or to live with and be cared for by family that simply isn't able to provide the necessary level of care.  But they've likely spent a lifetime having to make and accept hard decisions, because no one gets exactly what they want all the time; there's a good chance that they're still able to do so, if not fully then partially, so it can be really beneficial to make them as much a part of the decision-making as possible.

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Catherine

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Re: I'm not even sure what to be asking for
« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2012, 11:28:00 am »
Quote from: SunflowerP;78988



*nods*
This is pretty much what's happening with my grandfather right now. He's very angry about the fact that he can't go home. Even though he understands why he can't go home, he's still taking it out on my dad.

It's difficult to have patience with someone who's yelling at you every time you visit, but you've got to try and remember what they're going through.

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