Dear Lady...

[brad]

It's been quite a while since I've felt this bad.  Short of leaving home and hoping I'll be able to find enough couches to surf on, I think I've done all I can in this area around me to find work.  Mom made me feel pretty bad today.  I think I did my best to stand firm and now let her see how much she hurt me.  I think if she knew how to push my buttons, she would perfect her abilities to do so.  But, it really hurt the things she said.  I don't want to see her anymore.  I'm not sure if she realizes it or not, but when I leave home again, I won't be coming around again, or calling.  She already drove my brother away years ago.  He's gone now.  As much as we all wish we could hear his voice, see him, he's gone.  Mom is so damn self-ritchous, she just thinks Bryan left to go be around his dad.  She refuses to accept the fact that she drove him away.  That was some nine years ago.  He's been dead now for four years.  I wish I could talk to him.  I understand why he left home, but why did you have to take him from me?

Shits gettin pretty deep here.  I'm afraid I'm about to go totally off the deep end.  For several months now, it's been the thought of my daughter that has been keeping me going, keeping me alive.  Back in 09 it wasn't like that though.  I tried so many times to just die, and you wouldn't let me go.  You kept me here.  It felt like a punishment.  It still does.  Some horrible misdeed that I have done, something so horrible that you won't let me get away from it.  It's as if you want me to constantly suffer.

And now, it's worse.  Not only did you keep me alive all those times, my daughter knows me pretty well now.  She's about to turn 8 already.  I don't know if I can trust her mother to tell her that I died because I was sick.  It would be the perfect chance her mom has to fill her head with so much crap.  And you know all this, don't you?  It's by design.  You know good and well that I won't let her mother ruin such a beautiful little girl.

You have given me all this shit.  You have taken away every means of support I have.  Bryan is dead.  My companion Sqeaky is dead too.  You simply will not bring my path and the path of a companion together.  You worked it so my phone went to the bottom of the lake.  Now that I have a different one, it doesn't work.  Not that it matters anyway, as you have taken away my means to pay the bill.  My only two friends, the only two people I can talk to... and you won't let me even do that anymore.  You didn't allow me to die.  And now, you know that I will stay alive, suffering.  

What the hell did I do that was so wrong?  And what the hell do you want of me?  I need you.  All you do is stand there, watching me writhe in pain, pleading and crying for help.  Still, you do nothing for me.  Am I truly this alone?

[Leanan Sidhe]

It's been quite a while since I've felt this bad.  Short of leaving home and hoping I'll be able to find enough couches to surf on, I think I've done all I can in this area around me to find work.  Mom made me feel pretty bad today.  I think I did my best to stand firm and now let her see how much she hurt me.  I think if she knew how to push my buttons, she would perfect her abilities to do so.  But, it really hurt the things she said.  I don't want to see her anymore.  I'm not sure if she realizes it or not, but when I leave home again, I won't be coming around again, or calling.  She already drove my brother away years ago.  He's gone now.  As much as we all wish we could hear his voice, see him, he's gone.  Mom is so damn self-ritchous, she just thinks Bryan left to go be around his dad.  She refuses to accept the fact that she drove him away.  That was some nine years ago.  He's been dead now for four years.  I wish I could talk to him.  I understand why he left home, but why did you have to take him from me?

Shits gettin pretty deep here.  I'm afraid I'm about to go totally off the deep end.  For several months now, it's been the thought of my daughter that has been keeping me going, keeping me alive.  Back in 09 it wasn't like that though.  I tried so many times to just die, and you wouldn't let me go.  You kept me here.  It felt like a punishment.  It still does.  Some horrible misdeed that I have done, something so horrible that you won't let me get away from it.  It's as if you want me to constantly suffer.

And now, it's worse.  Not only did you keep me alive all those times, my daughter knows me pretty well now.  She's about to turn 8 already.  I don't know if I can trust her mother to tell her that I died because I was sick.  It would be the perfect chance her mom has to fill her head with so much crap.  And you know all this, don't you?  It's by design.  You know good and well that I won't let her mother ruin such a beautiful little girl.

You have given me all this shit.  You have taken away every means of support I have.  Bryan is dead.  My companion Sqeaky is dead too.  You simply will not bring my path and the path of a companion together.  You worked it so my phone went to the bottom of the lake.  Now that I have a different one, it doesn't work.  Not that it matters anyway, as you have taken away my means to pay the bill.  My only two friends, the only two people I can talk to... and you won't let me even do that anymore.  You didn't allow me to die.  And now, you know that I will stay alive, suffering.  

What the hell did I do that was so wrong?  And what the hell do you want of me?  I need you.  All you do is stand there, watching me writhe in pain, pleading and crying for help.  Still, you do nothing for me.  Am I truly this alone?

Just as a disclaimer: I'm running on very little sleep at the moment. As a result, I'm hoping this will have a decent amount of clarity, though I can't swear by it. But:

First of all, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm sorry that life is so overwhelmingly difficult for you right now. I've been there. Well, not there exactly, because different people have different experiences, and [are different people to begin with, but I've been in places very... emotionally resonant, I guess, with what you said.

I've been miserable, in mourning, depressed, suicidal, and pissed off at my Gods.

What you wrote reminded me of a comic I saw a while ago in a blog I read and liked enough to save to my pc:



It's a joke in reference to the Christian God and the Footprints story: http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php

But I think it applies to pagan Gods, too. Gods know, it applies to mine.

I've been angry with my Gods and there were even times I was sure they were punishing me. The thing is, so far, it's turned out (my UPG) that they weren't. Don't get me wrong -- things have gone awfully awry in my life sometimes, but it wasn't because my Gods were punishing me or trying to hurt me. Sometimes I was being tested. Other times there were things I had to do that weren't particularly easy. Sometimes it was because I was given advice and chose not to follow it. Sometimes I made bad decisions. But sometimes, things were difficult simply because life -- and sometimes shit -- happens.

I suggest looking into the dark night of the soul, which started as a Christian thing, but got adopted by a lot of pagans, and even new age people, for that matter.

Something else that i think has a lot of merit in it is Newton's third law of motion: "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." This is echoed or has similar motifs in a lot of other paths, religions, and spiritual views: The Law of Return (Wicca and some witchcraft), "As above, so below" (Hermeticism), Karma (Hinduism and Buddhism), and even made it into pop culture as equivalent exchange (Full Metal Alchemist).

I mention this because it can can be surprising how often what we wind up with is directly related to what we put in. In terms of philosophy (causality), science again (arrow of time -- second law of thermodynamics, sorry I'm a nerd), or the frequently considered more sketchy -- sometimes for good reason -- New Thought movement (Law of Attraction) -- actions have direct consequences, whether good or bad.

In spiritual and religious terms, this includes thoughts and feelings. In other words, focusing on the negative will lead to more negativity. In all honesty, a lot of New Age stuff is either too FUBARed, or too fluffy for me, personally -- and almost all New Thought, specifically is. But I've never been one to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and (my UPG) I've seen the Law of Attraction in action.

((((Brad))))