Scared, know-nothing Newbie here

[Danie]

Hi there everyone. I guess I should start off by saying that this is my first time really talking to anybody about paganism! I was raised evangelical Christian and have considered myself atheistic for 6 or so years now. I became a little more open-minded (and headed, apparently) about paganism in the past year or so, and with that I've been experiencing some weird things that I just can't explain (at least not without feeling batty).

For the first 6 months of my 'path' through this it was very basic, just appreciating nature more and making efforts to understand my place in that. I've done a fair bit of reading and a lot of research about different deities, but nothing really jumped out at me at the time.

Then more recently I started really researching specific gods and goddesses, especially those associated with the moon and water, and with that came these kind of just... weird things. I'm reluctant to say a god/goddess speaks to me, but there's no other way to describe it. I hear a voice sometimes, and even if I don't I feel compelled to leave specific offerings, do specific things, and revisit very particular places.

Can anybody help talk me through what I'm experiencing? The list of demands is getting weirder and more specific, and although I want to obey (almost just to see what happens), I'm afraid what more will be asked of me, especially since I don't know *who* is asking.

[Jenett]

Then more recently I started really researching specific gods and goddesses, especially those associated with the moon and water, and with that came these kind of just... weird things. I'm reluctant to say a god/goddess speaks to me, but there's no other way to describe it. I hear a voice sometimes, and even if I don't I feel compelled to leave specific offerings, do specific things, and revisit very particular places.

Can anybody help talk me through what I'm experiencing? The list of demands is getting weirder and more specific, and although I want to obey (almost just to see what happens), I'm afraid what more will be asked of me, especially since I don't know *who* is asking.

Ok, there's a couple of different things going on here.

First, it's usually a good idea to just double check that there's nothing else medical going on - not because it might not also be deities or other entities, but because it's good to be clear about what you're getting data from where.

So, one question to ask yourself: are you hearing voices or getting these kinds of strong impulses in other areas of your life? Have you ever? Are you on medications that can affect mental function (which, really, is many of them) Have you had big changes in your life in the past year or so that might have an effect?
 
(Basically, this is just good due diligence practice to get in the habit of, whenever you're looking at something you're trying to sort out. If any of those things might be issues, that's a good time to check with appropriate trained support - medical care, mental health care, etc. as appropriate.)

Second, if you do that and you're pretty sure a) it's a deity or other entity and b) it's not affecting other parts of your life, then you have some choices.

1) It is always okay to ask "Hey, who are you and why do you want me to do this." There are lots of other things out there besides deities, and some of them do like to cause mischief, or just see how far they can go with something. If you don't get an answer to who's asking, or why you should do what they're asking, you shouldn't feel obliged to do it until you get an answer you're comfortable with.

(There are, of course, ways to ask politely and not politely, but having healthy boundaries is a really - well, healthy thing.)

2) Also good to look at the requests. Are they weird and specific in a way that's largely practical for you? ("Pour an offering of fresh water on this rock in a nearby bit of park" is a lot different than "Pour really expensive alcohol you have a hard time getting somewhere really inaccessible", even though the actual offering part is pretty much the same mechanism.)

If they're weird but feasible for you, that's one thing. If they're weird and problematic, that's another really good reason to set boundaries and expect more information/etc.

3) Asking for information is tricky - it takes some skills that people coming in to a new practice usually don't have (just like new stuff always takes skills.)

But you can, in response to those desires to do specific things, say "Hey, I'd like to know more about you before that." You can spend some time in meditation work or divination work. You can see if there are people in your local community who might be able to facilitate (this is a sort of tricky option too, but it's sometimes possible, and sometimes things like group ritual options might give you some space to sort it out privately.) You can say "I'd like to learn more about Paganism, please give me time to do so and build some skills so I can have a more meaningful interaction."

4) You can also do research - if you're getting asked for very specific offerings, those offerings might give you indications of which deities or other beings you're hearing from, and that can help you decide what you want to do. (People here might be able to help with this part, if you're willing to share specifics.)

5) Above all, don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable: you do not have to trust a deity or honour a deity beyond basic politeness just because they want you to. You should always feel you can politely decline, or politely offer something basic but not demanding. (A stick of incense, a simple food or liquid offering, whatever's appropriate.) Some deities may be very pushy about it, but really, most of them will cope. (And the ones you actually want to work with will definitely understand.)

6) You note I've been saying 'deities or other entities' - and that's because there are other entities - spirits of place, ancestors, elemental beings, all sorts of things - who may come across very similarly, but who often have fewer boundaries or concrete patterns to them. Dealing with them again depends on learning more about what you're getting.

[Danie]

Ok, there's a couple of different things going on here.

First, it's usually a good idea to just double check that there's nothing else medical going on - not because it might not also be deities or other entities, but because it's good to be clear about what you're getting data from where.

So, one question to ask yourself: are you hearing voices or getting these kinds of strong impulses in other areas of your life? Have you ever? Are you on medications that can affect mental function (which, really, is many of them) Have you had big changes in your life in the past year or so that might have an effect?
 
(Basically, this is just good due diligence practice to get in the habit of, whenever you're looking at something you're trying to sort out. If any of those things might be issues, that's a good time to check with appropriate trained support - medical care, mental health care, etc. as appropriate.)

Second, if you do that and you're pretty sure a) it's a deity or other entity and b) it's not affecting other parts of your life, then you have some choices.

1) It is always okay to ask "Hey, who are you and why do you want me to do this." There are lots of other things out there besides deities, and some of them do like to cause mischief, or just see how far they can go with something. If you don't get an answer to who's asking, or why you should do what they're asking, you shouldn't feel obliged to do it until you get an answer you're comfortable with.

(There are, of course, ways to ask politely and not politely, but having healthy boundaries is a really - well, healthy thing.)

2) Also good to look at the requests. Are they weird and specific in a way that's largely practical for you? ("Pour an offering of fresh water on this rock in a nearby bit of park" is a lot different than "Pour really expensive alcohol you have a hard time getting somewhere really inaccessible", even though the actual offering part is pretty much the same mechanism.)

If they're weird but feasible for you, that's one thing. If they're weird and problematic, that's another really good reason to set boundaries and expect more information/etc.

3) Asking for information is tricky - it takes some skills that people coming in to a new practice usually don't have (just like new stuff always takes skills.)

But you can, in response to those desires to do specific things, say "Hey, I'd like to know more about you before that." You can spend some time in meditation work or divination work. You can see if there are people in your local community who might be able to facilitate (this is a sort of tricky option too, but it's sometimes possible, and sometimes things like group ritual options might give you some space to sort it out privately.) You can say "I'd like to learn more about Paganism, please give me time to do so and build some skills so I can have a more meaningful interaction."

4) You can also do research - if you're getting asked for very specific offerings, those offerings might give you indications of which deities or other beings you're hearing from, and that can help you decide what you want to do. (People here might be able to help with this part, if you're willing to share specifics.)

5) Above all, don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable: you do not have to trust a deity or honour a deity beyond basic politeness just because they want you to. You should always feel you can politely decline, or politely offer something basic but not demanding. (A stick of incense, a simple food or liquid offering, whatever's appropriate.) Some deities may be very pushy about it, but really, most of them will cope. (And the ones you actually want to work with will definitely understand.)

6) You note I've been saying 'deities or other entities' - and that's because there are other entities - spirits of place, ancestors, elemental beings, all sorts of things - who may come across very similarly, but who often have fewer boundaries or concrete patterns to them. Dealing with them again depends on learning more about what you're getting.

Thank you first of all for all this information! I'll try to address all of it as best I can.

I do have a mental disorder that has never had any delusions or compulsions (beyond suicidal ones before I was medicated). I've been stable and medicated for a long time, and haven't started any new meds or anything, so it's not that. The compelling feeling I get to do things isn't something I 'can't say no to' or anything like that, I just feel very weird 'nudges' (for lack of a better term) to do something or go someplace I personally had no intention of doing. It's never anywhere unfamiliar or dangerous, just not what I had planned.

A lot of the requests are very simple offerings, but usually specific like pomegranate or something that I've made myself. I find the places I'm 'asked' to go are places I'd visit during the day, but the request is usually to go at night instead.

I think I have an idea of who's doing the 'asking', because there's been a lot of clues but I'm just having a hard time believing in it, I suppose. I denied the existence of any of this stuff for so long that just deciding deities (and other entities) not only exist but would actually act like this is beyond my comfort zone. I want it to be comfortable (reasonably), but I'm just a chicken I guess :ashamed:

A part of me doesn't want to let an entity down because I really have no idea what I'm doing... the other part of me wonders if the requests are so simple because they're giving the the opportunity not to screw it up.

I've been practicing divination to varying degrees for a long time, but I'd love to get back into it. Meditation time is also one of my new year's resolutions, so I hope that I can learn to make productive use of that.

I know all of this must be a ramble, please bear with me and thanks again for your help!

[Jenett]

The compelling feeling I get to do things isn't something I 'can't say no to' or anything like that, I just feel very weird 'nudges' (for lack of a better term) to do something or go someplace I personally had no intention of doing. It's never anywhere unfamiliar or dangerous, just not what I had planned.

A lot of the requests are very simple offerings, but usually specific like pomegranate or something that I've made myself. I find the places I'm 'asked' to go are places I'd visit during the day, but the request is usually to go at night instead.

The additional details are really helpful here.

What you're describing isn't the most common experience ever, but it's certainly not unique to you, either. (And the Cauldron has, as a forum, a fair number of people who have these kinds of experiences with deities.)

The way I've usually addressed it with students I've worked with is:

1) It's okay to set boundaries - one that works really well for some people is to say "I'll be doing regular meditation at [whatever time], come talk to me then." That allows you to prepare for it, and allows the deity to know what to expect, and it can feel less intrusive and you more in control of what's going on.

2) It's totally fine to cross-check what you're getting against multiple sources - so if you're getting "Hey, this offering?" it's great to check it with divination, also with research, and also by talking to people who might be familiar with that deity, for example. (in other words, check it in multiple ways, not just one.)

3) You can also figure out some simple ways to do ritual or something else that you feel in control of, which can be easier for some people. (I've alway been a polytheist in theory, so the idea of Gods and multiple Gods isn't one I've ever struggled with, but sometimes saying "Ok, so if you're out there, here's what I want to say to you" has been helpful to people I know.

(Sort of like if you're posting on a forum you're new to! You have some idea what they're like from reading past posts, but there's still an element of 'are you real people and what will you say back' in there.)

I guess mostly what I'm trying to say here is that it's okay to say "Wait, I need to see what I think about this." in there, or even to take that conversation directly to whatever you think is talking to you (whether that's in meditation or ritual or just having a conversation where you're leaving offerings).

And it's definitely okay - and desireable - to take a bit of time before making any further decisions. (Something like "I'm good leaving you offerings for six months, while I sort through what I think about this." or "I need time to think, can I try again in six months" or whatever else works. Again, I think most deities get that humans need time.

[Sage]

The additional details are really helpful here.

What you're describing isn't the most common experience ever, but it's certainly not unique to you, either. (And the Cauldron has, as a forum, a fair number of people who have these kinds of experiences with deities.)

The way I've usually addressed it with students I've worked with is:

1) It's okay to set boundaries - one that works really well for some people is to say "I'll be doing regular meditation at [whatever time], come talk to me then." That allows you to prepare for it, and allows the deity to know what to expect, and it can feel less intrusive and you more in control of what's going on.

2) It's totally fine to cross-check what you're getting against multiple sources - so if you're getting "Hey, this offering?" it's great to check it with divination, also with research, and also by talking to people who might be familiar with that deity, for example. (in other words, check it in multiple ways, not just one.)

3) You can also figure out some simple ways to do ritual or something else that you feel in control of, which can be easier for some people. (I've alway been a polytheist in theory, so the idea of Gods and multiple Gods isn't one I've ever struggled with, but sometimes saying "Ok, so if you're out there, here's what I want to say to you" has been helpful to people I know.

(Sort of like if you're posting on a forum you're new to! You have some idea what they're like from reading past posts, but there's still an element of 'are you real people and what will you say back' in there.)

I guess mostly what I'm trying to say here is that it's okay to say "Wait, I need to see what I think about this." in there, or even to take that conversation directly to whatever you think is talking to you (whether that's in meditation or ritual or just having a conversation where you're leaving offerings).

And it's definitely okay - and desireable - to take a bit of time before making any further decisions. (Something like "I'm good leaving you offerings for six months, while I sort through what I think about this." or "I need time to think, can I try again in six months" or whatever else works. Again, I think most deities get that humans need time.

 
Just wanted to emphasize what Jenett says here: it is okay to set boundaries. Yes, even with deities! Yes, even if deities make requests or even demands! Taking time to assess the situation and determine your own comfort level is just as important as whatever the entity in question is asking. "No" is an acceptable response; so is "maybe" or "later" or "more details please."

[NanLT]

Just wanted to emphasize what Jenett says here: it is okay to set boundaries. Yes, even with deities! Yes, even if deities make requests or even demands! Taking time to assess the situation and determine your own comfort level is just as important as whatever the entity in question is asking. "No" is an acceptable response; so is "maybe" or "later" or "more details please."

I'll third this and say that I agree with everything already written. It is always okay to set boundaries and say "no".

Something I always tell those who come to me with questions about being contacted by Deities and other non-corporeal beings:

They don't carry ID cards. Ask them what they are called, then double check it from other sources. Speak to others who work with that particular Deity. Your experiences don't have to be exactly the same, but I have found that there is some overlap and similarities.

Investigate - who are they, where do they come from, when do they come from, how were they worshipped or honoured, how has that changed over time, what are the modern mythologies associated with them.

Does what they are requesting of you fit with your internal ethical code? Does it stretch it a bit, or does it shatter it completely? If you are not comfortable with what is being asked of you, it's okay to say no, or not right now.

I am one who the Gods like to whisper to, and I have told Herne on several occasions to f* off and leave me alone. He just laughs, but he does respect my boundaries. I told Lilith as well to back off and leave me alone once, but I left the swear words out.

It is okay to expect respect in your interactions. And that includes honouring boundaries and limits as to when and where those interactions may take place. Trying to get my attention and talk to me when I'm driving - not gonna happen, but catch me when I'm washing up the dishes or some other mindless task (like wandering around the internet) and I'm fine with it.

[Danie]

The additional details are really helpful here.

What you're describing isn't the most common experience ever, but it's certainly not unique to you, either. (And the Cauldron has, as a forum, a fair number of people who have these kinds of experiences with deities.)

The way I've usually addressed it with students I've worked with is:

1) It's okay to set boundaries - one that works really well for some people is to say "I'll be doing regular meditation at [whatever time], come talk to me then." That allows you to prepare for it, and allows the deity to know what to expect, and it can feel less intrusive and you more in control of what's going on.

2) It's totally fine to cross-check what you're getting against multiple sources - so if you're getting "Hey, this offering?" it's great to check it with divination, also with research, and also by talking to people who might be familiar with that deity, for example. (in other words, check it in multiple ways, not just one.)

3) You can also figure out some simple ways to do ritual or something else that you feel in control of, which can be easier for some people. (I've alway been a polytheist in theory, so the idea of Gods and multiple Gods isn't one I've ever struggled with, but sometimes saying "Ok, so if you're out there, here's what I want to say to you" has been helpful to people I know.

(Sort of like if you're posting on a forum you're new to! You have some idea what they're like from reading past posts, but there's still an element of 'are you real people and what will you say back' in there.)

I guess mostly what I'm trying to say here is that it's okay to say "Wait, I need to see what I think about this." in there, or even to take that conversation directly to whatever you think is talking to you (whether that's in meditation or ritual or just having a conversation where you're leaving offerings).

And it's definitely okay - and desireable - to take a bit of time before making any further decisions. (Something like "I'm good leaving you offerings for six months, while I sort through what I think about this." or "I need time to think, can I try again in six months" or whatever else works. Again, I think most deities get that humans need time.

 

Just wanted to emphasize what Jenett says here: it is okay to set boundaries. Yes, even with deities! Yes, even if deities make requests or even demands! Taking time to assess the situation and determine your own comfort level is just as important as whatever the entity in question is asking. "No" is an acceptable response; so is "maybe" or "later" or "more details please."

Thank you both for your advice, I think it's going to be enormously helpful. I've actually been intending on returning to daily meditation, so dedicating that time to discovery and exploration would be really worthwhile I also used to indulge in divination a lot when I was younger, mostly through tarot. You think that sort of thing would be worth taking another look at?

I stopped doing readings when I was a teenager because I started experiencing very strong (and usually accurate) premonitions, and it was really uncomfortable for me. It's actually something that has been happening a bit lately as well, and part of the reason this 'contact' has been freaking me out a lot. Before my premonitions were just a general feeling, usually that something would go wrong, sometimes I'd be able to tease out a more specific problem.

Now, it's like a voice right next to me that just says "Get off the bus" or "Don't walk there". When I listen, nothing really changes, my routine might be a little less convenient but that's about it. When I don't though, something bad (or at the very least really annoying) happens. It definitely 'feels' like the same voice that's asking for these offerings and things, so at least (hopefully) this being is helpful.
 

I'll third this and say that I agree with everything already written. It is always okay to set boundaries and say "no".

Something I always tell those who come to me with questions about being contacted by Deities and other non-corporeal beings:

They don't carry ID cards. Ask them what they are called, then double check it from other sources. Speak to others who work with that particular Deity. Your experiences don't have to be exactly the same, but I have found that there is some overlap and similarities.

Investigate - who are they, where do they come from, when do they come from, how were they worshipped or honoured, how has that changed over time, what are the modern mythologies associated with them.

Does what they are requesting of you fit with your internal ethical code? Does it stretch it a bit, or does it shatter it completely? If you are not comfortable with what is being asked of you, it's okay to say no, or not right now.

I am one who the Gods like to whisper to, and I have told Herne on several occasions to f* off and leave me alone. He just laughs, but he does respect my boundaries. I told Lilith as well to back off and leave me alone once, but I left the swear words out.

It is okay to expect respect in your interactions. And that includes honouring boundaries and limits as to when and where those interactions may take place. Trying to get my attention and talk to me when I'm driving - not gonna happen, but catch me when I'm washing up the dishes or some other mindless task (like wandering around the internet) and I'm fine with it.

 
Hahaha, I can't imagine telling a deity to f*** off! That takes some serious cahones, ones I guess I'm gonna have to grow if this communication keeps up. This, I'm at least a bit sure is only one being 'talking' to me. I can't imagine what it'd be like to have more of it, honestly.

I find this being sneaks up on me the most when I'm spaced out, for sure, like If I'm walking back from getting groceries or riding the bus.

Thank you all again for your advice. I hope that with some time and patience I'll be able to find out who I'm talking to

[Freesia]

I stopped doing readings when I was a teenager because I started experiencing very strong (and usually accurate) premonitions, and it was really uncomfortable for me. It's actually something that has been happening a bit lately as well, and part of the reason this 'contact' has been freaking me out a lot. Before my premonitions were just a general feeling, usually that something would go wrong, sometimes I'd be able to tease out a more specific problem.

Now, it's like a voice right next to me that just says "Get off the bus" or "Don't walk there". When I listen, nothing really changes, my routine might be a little less convenient but that's about it. When I don't though, something bad (or at the very least really annoying) happens. It definitely 'feels' like the same voice that's asking for these offerings and things, so at least (hopefully) this being is helpful.
 

 
I know what you mean about getting sudden messages from another source. I was at an intersection one day a few years ago about to turn right when I had the intense urge to go left. Down the street I found a dog wandering the road. It went around my car and I couldn't see it so I opened my door to check. The door flew open out of my hand and the dog jumped over me into the passenger floor and curled up. Nothing I could do except say, "I guess you're coming with me." I found her people about two hour later. A year after that I found a black kitten on the side of that road, he also got a ride from me and we became his people.

In regards to Tarot...I did readings for years, but stopped because I was too accurate. I even did a skeptic's rune reading in one class for three boys who did not believe in divination. I had them keep their questions simple and secrete from me, but they could tell each other. Each one was a true reading.

I've had weird things happen to me for years and have made my choose to listen instead of plug my ears. I'm hearing calls from very distinct "personalities." I'm not comfortable with the notion of deity and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.

[Danie]

In regards to Tarot...I did readings for years, but stopped because I was too accurate. I even did a skeptic's rune reading in one class for three boys who did not believe in divination. I had them keep their questions simple and secrete from me, but they could tell each other. Each one was a true reading.

Same happened to me. Once I predicted a couple of very upsetting events for people close to me, I gave it up, but I want to have another go at it!

Resurrecting this a bit because I'd like to see if anybody knows the answer to this. I think the goddess who's 'nudging' me may be Selene(?). When I feel compelled to go to a certain place, it's almost always in the waxing moon and always near water. Beyond the nature of the tides, I can't find much connection between the two other than the fact I've always loved the water (and the areas with water near me are so large that there's nothing to block out the moon, if you're looking).

Is there a connection I'm not seeing, because I can't seem to find anything written and I'm not sure I want to ask her just yet.

[Freesia]

Same happened to me. Once I predicted a couple of very upsetting events for people close to me, I gave it up, but I want to have another go at it!

Resurrecting this a bit because I'd like to see if anybody knows the answer to this. I think the goddess who's 'nudging' me may be Selene(?). When I feel compelled to go to a certain place, it's almost always in the waxing moon and always near water. Beyond the nature of the tides, I can't find much connection between the two other than the fact I've always loved the water (and the areas with water near me are so large that there's nothing to block out the moon, if you're looking).

Is there a connection I'm not seeing, because I can't seem to find anything written and I'm not sure I want to ask her just yet.

 
Even when I was an atheist I still felt a connection to the moon. I'm not the person to give advise to you. You are already further along than I am, but I understand the doubt you feel and the hesitation. I also know the compulsion to run with a feeling you don't fully understand. It's thrilling and scary. You want to move forward, but are afraid you wont find your way back home if you do. Trust is risky, but will this awakening return if you refuse a second time?

Whenever I was lost or stressed out I would take deep breaths and find what I called "the stillness" this could center me so that I could do my tasks and get on with my life. Ever since this awakening my stillness is flooded with electricity. I have no center, no comfort zone, even my shoes no longer fit.

All I can do is tell you you are not alone in this experience even if you feel that you are. Do what you feel is right, but be sensible and take precautions when walking around at night.

[NanLT]

Is there a connection I'm not seeing, because I can't seem to find anything written and I'm not sure I want to ask her just yet.

Just because you can't find a connection written down anywhere, doesn't mean that connection is false.

Trust your gut.

[Danie]

Even when I was an atheist I still felt a connection to the moon. I'm not the person to give advise to you. You are already further along than I am, but I understand the doubt you feel and the hesitation. I also know the compulsion to run with a feeling you don't fully understand. It's thrilling and scary. You want to move forward, but are afraid you wont find your way back home if you do. Trust is risky, but will this awakening return if you refuse a second time?

Whenever I was lost or stressed out I would take deep breaths and find what I called "the stillness" this could center me so that I could do my tasks and get on with my life. Ever since this awakening my stillness is flooded with electricity. I have no center, no comfort zone, even my shoes no longer fit.

All I can do is tell you you are not alone in this experience even if you feel that you are. Do what you feel is right, but be sensible and take precautions when walking around at night.

Oh, man. So many feelings came over me when I read that sentence. It really made things so clear to me. I can't let this opportunity go by, because not knowing is a lot scarier than being out of my comfort zone right now.

 

Just because you can't find a connection written down anywhere, doesn't mean that connection is false.

Trust your gut.

 
Fair enough!

[Argeiphontes]

I think the goddess who's 'nudging' me may be Selene(?).

 
Not sure if this will help, but check out the Selene article on theoi.com.