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Author Topic: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married  (Read 2096 times)

kratos264

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New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« on: November 24, 2015, 12:06:03 am »
I'm not entirely sure I titled that right, but anyways. Within the past couple months I decided heathanism was right for me. However, before I switched I got engaged and now my fiance and I are starting pre marital education, she is very much a christian. Today was our first meeting and I not being very far in my journey yet have not told anyone about my switch in faiths.
My question is do I let the pastor know what my beliefs are and risk but being and to have the type of ceremony my future wife would like to have, or suffer through continuing to say I'm my very close to the christian god?
Further complications are that my family is very religious with a pastor on both sides of the family.

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2015, 04:00:00 am »
Quote from: kratos264;182697
I'm not entirely sure I titled that right, but anyways. Within the past couple months I decided heathanism was right for me. However, before I switched I got engaged and now my fiance and I are starting pre marital education, she is very much a christian. Today was our first meeting and I not being very far in my journey yet have not told anyone about my switch in faiths.
My question is do I let the pastor know what my beliefs are and risk but being and to have the type of ceremony my future wife would like to have, or suffer through continuing to say I'm my very close to the christian god?
Further complications are that my family is very religious with a pastor on both sides of the family.


What does your fiance think about the change in religion? I do believe that you should be honest about your beliefs in premarital counseling sessions. You don't need to admit to anyone else until you are ready.

kratos264

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2015, 08:45:43 am »
Quote from: Freesia;182709
What does your fiance think about the change in religion? I do believe that you should be honest about your beliefs in premarital counseling sessions. You don't need to admit to anyone else until you are ready.

 
I haven't told her directly yet, I have shared with her my new views that come from Asatru and she likes the views, but when I test the waters about changing my religion completely haven't gone as well. I was trying to wait to bring up r topic fully until I'd finished reading the troth and maybe one the Edda's so I could develop a fact filled issue response speech type thing. I have talked to other people about Asatru and while open to the ideas they have as soon as you talk about the ideals as soon as talk about the religion they kind of look at you different. I'm not sure if that is because the area I live or because I used to be very religious before switching.

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2015, 11:25:23 am »
Quote from: kratos264;182723
I haven't told her directly yet, I have shared with her my new views that come from Asatru and she likes the views, but when I test the waters about changing my religion completely haven't gone as well. I was trying to wait to bring up r topic fully until I'd finished reading the troth and maybe one the Edda's so I could develop a fact filled issue response speech type thing. I have talked to other people about Asatru and while open to the ideas they have as soon as you talk about the ideals as soon as talk about the religion they kind of look at you different. I'm not sure if that is because the area I live or because I used to be very religious before switching.

You better not wait and please don't lie or withhold the truth to make everyone happy.
« Last Edit: November 24, 2015, 11:25:43 am by Holdasown »

kratos264

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2015, 12:13:18 pm »
Quote from: Holdasown;182730
You better not wait and please don't lie or withhold the truth to make everyone happy.

 
OK, I'll talk to her about it.

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #5 on: November 25, 2015, 09:21:38 pm »
Quote from: kratos264;182723
I haven't told her directly yet, I have shared with her my new views that come from Asatru and she likes the views, but when I test the waters about changing my religion completely haven't gone as well. I was trying to wait to bring up r topic fully until I'd finished reading the troth and maybe one the Edda's so I could develop a fact filled issue response speech type thing. I have talked to other people about Asatru and while open to the ideas they have as soon as you talk about the ideals as soon as talk about the religion they kind of look at you different. I'm not sure if that is because the area I live or because I used to be very religious before switching.

 
I have read Our Troth, but not much else on Asatru. What other books or resources have you explored?

kratos264

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #6 on: November 25, 2015, 11:30:30 pm »
Quote from: Freesia;182796
I have read Our Troth, but not much else on Asatru. What other books or resources have you explored?

 
I've read a Practical Heathens Guide to Asatru and just started the lore part in Our Troth, I've only been lightly practicing for about a month and a half, maybe two months mostly giving offerings to the house wights and landvaeter. I don't want to rush telling her until I can fully explain the why behind my change. I want to be careful when I do talk to my fiance, I already tried to tell her about what I learned about evolution in my Darwinism class and she immediately told me evolution isn't true God created everything which is kind of a digression. However, I plan on taking to her before we get married.

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #7 on: November 26, 2015, 03:20:42 am »
Quote from: kratos264;182805
I've read a Practical Heathens Guide to Asatru and just started the lore part in Our Troth, I've only been lightly practicing for about a month and a half, maybe two months mostly giving offerings to the house wights and landvaeter. I don't want to rush telling her until I can fully explain the why behind my change. I want to be careful when I do talk to my fiance, I already tried to tell her about what I learned about evolution in my Darwinism class and she immediately told me evolution isn't true God created everything which is kind of a digression. However, I plan on taking to her before we get married.

 
For a lot of people, there's several different stages in finding and learning about a new religion.

1) The thing you were doing is pretty clearly not the thing you want to be doing in the future. "I have been Christian, but that's not really working for me now, and I don't see that changing, for these reasons."

2) Learning about and exploring general options (the broad category of what you think your new choice is going to be): "I was Christian, but I think I'm drawn to something within Paganism", for example.

3) Exploring a specific form of your new general category. "I'm interested in this particular form of Paganism." People in this stage often aren't very able to be articulate about the new religion - they're still learning things about, but even more, they're still learning how to *talk* about it, which is a different thing from learning the religion.

4) Making a commitment to the new religion, whatever method is required to do that. (For some religions, it's "I'm an X now.", other religions have a specific education process, ritual process, or both you have to go through.) Usually somewhere in here, talking about it gets a bit easier.

5) Being a practicing member of the new religion (by which I mean you are able to take part and participate in all the normal ritual steps of the new religion: sometimes that involves specific ritual actions or something someone else facilitates, sometimes it's about you. Usually there's some of both.)

Depending on the details of the specific religions, going from step one to step 5 (being a fully practicing member of the new religion) can take a very short time, or it can take years (and a year or two is probably more common than shorter.)

From the sounds of it, you're somewhere around step 3, and that means there may not be an easy resolution any time soon.

When people are getting married, there's a couple of things that play into religious things:

1) Some religions feel very strongly about not marrying outside the religion. If you have *any* concerns that your fiancee is going to feel this way, you really owe it to her to discuss as soon as possible, because you already know that Christianity is probably not where you're going to end up.

2) Even if that's not the case, you and she are talking about making a major commitment to each other. You don't necessarily need to be articulate all the things you want instead, but "I don't think I want to be/identify/practice Christianity anymore" is a fairly big thing, if she takes her religion seriously.

3) Related discussions that are likely important at this stage are the social aspects and familial aspects: are you still willing to be married in a Christian ceremony? (Is that ceremony going to ask you to make commitments in a way that aren't appropriate if you no longer identify as Christian?)

Will you still attend church with your wife-to-be and/or family on Christian holy days? If you are considering having children, how will you handle religious education and practice as a family? You may not have answers to all of those questions yet, but fairness generally involves letting your fiancee know that they might need to be asked.

(The fact that she was so insistent about evolution - or rather not-evolution makes me worried that there's going to be a bunch of places you're going to end up with rather rapid differences of opinion. Some mixed-religion marriages are fine with that, but some people find it really upsetting and not what they want in a marriage, because they want their home to be a place they share with people who think like they do.)

4) Different religions also have different ideas about how to handle mixed-religion marriages. (For example, Catholics can marry non-Catholics, but for it to take place in a Catholic church, there is generally a need for the non-Catholic to agree to support the Catholic partner's faith, and to allow the children of the relationship to attend Catholic services and religious education.) You'll need to discuss those particular expectations, at the very least with your fiancee and possibly with other people in the denomination relevant to the wedding and your fiancee's religious life.

5) Once you've done all of that, there may need to be some adjustments to wedding plans/conversations with other family members/whatever. If your wedding choices aren't going to require any changes, this is one that can be put off, but if there are things that would be obvious, then better to discuss them in advance.

6) And, as a general rule, I'm a fan of telling people things *before* they'd have a chance to notice them on their own, when they're things that affect them to some degree. (And 'spouse-to-be's religious explorations' are in that category, especially with a fiancee who takes her own religion seriously.) If you're reading books, your fiancee may well notice, never mind changing any of your practices, so discussing it sooner than later's likely a very smart move.

Again, that doesn't mean you have to have all the answers: the biggest things to be able to articulate are why you feel Christianity's no longer a good choice for you, what that means for religious practice in your relationship, and that you're exploring other options, but you're still learning and aren't sure yet what you're going to choose.
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kratos264

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #8 on: November 26, 2015, 09:20:42 am »
Quote from: Jenett;182816
For a lot of people, there's several different stages in finding and learning about a new religion.

1) The thing you were doing is pretty clearly not the thing you want to be doing in the future. "I have been Christian, but that's not really working for me now, and I don't see that changing, for these reasons."

2) Learning about and exploring general options (the broad category of what you think your new choice is going to be): "I was Christian, but I think I'm drawn to something within Paganism", for example.

3) Exploring a specific form of your new general category. "I'm interested in this particular form of Paganism." People in this stage often aren't very able to be articulate about the new religion - they're still learning things about, but even more, they're still learning how to *talk* about it, which is a different thing from learning the religion.

4) Making a commitment to the new religion, whatever method is required to do that. (For some religions, it's "I'm an X now.", other religions have a specific education process, ritual process, or both you have to go through.) Usually somewhere in here, talking about it gets a bit easier.

5) Being a practicing member of the new religion (by which I mean you are able to take part and participate in all the normal ritual steps of the new religion: sometimes that involves specific ritual actions or something someone else facilitates, sometimes it's about you. Usually there's some of both.)

Depending on the details of the specific religions, going from step one to step 5 (being a fully practicing member of the new religion) can take a very short time, or it can take years (and a year or two is probably more common than shorter.)

From the sounds of it, you're somewhere around step 3, and that means there may not be an easy resolution any time soon.

When people are getting married, there's a couple of things that play into religious things:

1) Some religions feel very strongly about not marrying outside the religion. If you have *any* concerns that your fiancee is going to feel this way, you really owe it to her to discuss as soon as possible, because you already know that Christianity is probably not where you're going to end up.

2) Even if that's not the case, you and she are talking about making a major commitment to each other. You don't necessarily need to be articulate all the things you want instead, but "I don't think I want to be/identify/practice Christianity anymore" is a fairly big thing, if she takes her religion seriously.

3) Related discussions that are likely important at this stage are the social aspects and familial aspects: are you still willing to be married in a Christian ceremony? (Is that ceremony going to ask you to make commitments in a way that aren't appropriate if you no longer identify as Christian?)

Will you still attend church with your wife-to-be and/or family on Christian holy days? If you are considering having children, how will you handle religious education and practice as a family? You may not have answers to all of those questions yet, but fairness generally involves letting your fiancee know that they might need to be asked.

(The fact that she was so insistent about evolution - or rather not-evolution makes me worried that there's going to be a bunch of places you're going to end up with rather rapid differences of opinion. Some mixed-religion marriages are fine with that, but some people find it really upsetting and not what they want in a marriage, because they want their home to be a place they share with people who think like they do.)

4) Different religions also have different ideas about how to handle mixed-religion marriages. (For example, Catholics can marry non-Catholics, but for it to take place in a Catholic church, there is generally a need for the non-Catholic to agree to support the Catholic partner's faith, and to allow the children of the relationship to attend Catholic services and religious education.) You'll need to discuss those particular expectations, at the very least with your fiancee and possibly with other people in the denomination relevant to the wedding and your fiancee's religious life.

5) Once you've done all of that, there may need to be some adjustments to wedding plans/conversations with other family members/whatever. If your wedding choices aren't going to require any changes, this is one that can be put off, but if there are things that would be obvious, then better to discuss them in advance.

6) And, as a general rule, I'm a fan of telling people things *before* they'd have a chance to notice them on their own, when they're things that affect them to some degree. (And 'spouse-to-be's religious explorations' are in that category, especially with a fiancee who takes her own religion seriously.) If you're reading books, your fiancee may well notice, never mind changing any of your practices, so discussing it sooner than later's likely a very smart move.

Again, that doesn't mean you have to have all the answers: the biggest things to be able to articulate are why you feel Christianity's no longer a good choice for you, what that means for religious practice in your relationship, and that you're exploring other options, but you're still learning and aren't sure yet what you're going to choose.

 
That process is very helpful. There are some steps in the process I feel I've started already. I feel once I talk to her or won't be so bad, I went through a fair amount of cognitive dissonance too when I started taking my class on evolution, which in part lead to my change. I'm probably going to wait until the end of the semester since finals are about a week and a half away. But this was very helpful thank you.

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2015, 02:26:52 pm »
Quote from: Jenett;182816
For a lot of people, there's several different stages in finding and learning about a new religion.

1) The thing you were doing is pretty clearly not the thing you want to be doing in the future. "I have been Christian, but that's not really working for me now, and I don't see that changing, for these reasons."

2) Learning about and exploring general options (the broad category of what you think your new choice is going to be): "I was Christian, but I think I'm drawn to something within Paganism", for example.

3) Exploring a specific form of your new general category. "I'm interested in this particular form of Paganism." People in this stage often aren't very able to be articulate about the new religion - they're still learning things about, but even more, they're still learning how to *talk* about it, which is a different thing from learning the religion.

4) Making a commitment to the new religion, whatever method is required to do that. (For some religions, it's "I'm an X now.", other religions have a specific education process, ritual process, or both you have to go through.) Usually somewhere in here, talking about it gets a bit easier.

5) Being a practicing member of the new religion (by which I mean you are able to take part and participate in all the normal ritual steps of the new religion: sometimes that involves specific ritual actions or something someone else facilitates, sometimes it's about you. Usually there's some of both.)

Depending on the details of the specific religions, going from step one to step 5 (being a fully practicing member of the new religion) can take a very short time, or it can take years (and a year or two is probably more common than shorter.)

From the sounds of it, you're somewhere around step 3, and that means there may not be an easy resolution any time soon.

When people are getting married, there's a couple of things that play into religious things:

1) Some religions feel very strongly about not marrying outside the religion. If you have *any* concerns that your fiancee is going to feel this way, you really owe it to her to discuss as soon as possible, because you already know that Christianity is probably not where you're going to end up.

2) Even if that's not the case, you and she are talking about making a major commitment to each other. You don't necessarily need to be articulate all the things you want instead, but "I don't think I want to be/identify/practice Christianity anymore" is a fairly big thing, if she takes her religion seriously.

3) Related discussions that are likely important at this stage are the social aspects and familial aspects: are you still willing to be married in a Christian ceremony? (Is that ceremony going to ask you to make commitments in a way that aren't appropriate if you no longer identify as Christian?)

Will you still attend church with your wife-to-be and/or family on Christian holy days? If you are considering having children, how will you handle religious education and practice as a family? You may not have answers to all of those questions yet, but fairness generally involves letting your fiancee know that they might need to be asked.

(The fact that she was so insistent about evolution - or rather not-evolution makes me worried that there's going to be a bunch of places you're going to end up with rather rapid differences of opinion. Some mixed-religion marriages are fine with that, but some people find it really upsetting and not what they want in a marriage, because they want their home to be a place they share with people who think like they do.)

4) Different religions also have different ideas about how to handle mixed-religion marriages. (For example, Catholics can marry non-Catholics, but for it to take place in a Catholic church, there is generally a need for the non-Catholic to agree to support the Catholic partner's faith, and to allow the children of the relationship to attend Catholic services and religious education.) You'll need to discuss those particular expectations, at the very least with your fiancee and possibly with other people in the denomination relevant to the wedding and your fiancee's religious life.

5) Once you've done all of that, there may need to be some adjustments to wedding plans/conversations with other family members/whatever. If your wedding choices aren't going to require any changes, this is one that can be put off, but if there are things that would be obvious, then better to discuss them in advance.

6) And, as a general rule, I'm a fan of telling people things *before* they'd have a chance to notice them on their own, when they're things that affect them to some degree. (And 'spouse-to-be's religious explorations' are in that category, especially with a fiancee who takes her own religion seriously.) If you're reading books, your fiancee may well notice, never mind changing any of your practices, so discussing it sooner than later's likely a very smart move.

Again, that doesn't mean you have to have all the answers: the biggest things to be able to articulate are why you feel Christianity's no longer a good choice for you, what that means for religious practice in your relationship, and that you're exploring other options, but you're still learning and aren't sure yet what you're going to choose.

 
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kratos264

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2015, 02:49:37 pm »
Quote from: Jenett;182816
For a lot of people, there's several different stages in finding and learning about a new religion.

1) The thing you were doing is pretty clearly not the thing you want to be doing in the future. "I have been Christian, but that's not really working for me now, and I don't see that changing, for these reasons."


Again, that doesn't mean you have to have all the answers: the biggest things to be able to articulate are why you feel Christianity's no longer a good choice for you, what that means for religious practice in your relationship, and that you're exploring other options, but you're still learning and aren't sure yet what you're going to choose.

 
Great news, I talked with my fiance and things went very well. I think there may even be a chance to convert her to Asatru as well.

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #11 on: December 16, 2015, 06:37:58 pm »
Quote from: kratos264;183524
Great news, I talked with my fiance and things went very well. I think there may even be a chance to convert her to Asatru as well.

 
Yay! I wouldn't push converting her, but certainly be open and stuff since she's accepted you, especially if she shows interest. My husband's a (non-obnoxious) atheist, so although he is probably easier to work with than a very Christian person, it was hard, at first, to open up to him, and still is difficult to get into more meta stuff about my practice (or conversely, into stuff that is just how it is). But we do talk about it quite a lot now, and since it went well, I'd bet you and her will too.

kratos264

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #12 on: December 16, 2015, 09:55:14 pm »
Quote from: Scales;183555
Yay! I wouldn't push converting her, but certainly be open and stuff since she's accepted you, especially if she shows interest. My husband's a (non-obnoxious) atheist, so although he is probably easier to work with than a very Christian person, it was hard, at first, to open up to him, and still is difficult to get into more meta stuff about my practice (or conversely, into stuff that is just how it is). But we do talk about it quite a lot now, and since it went well, I'd bet you and her will too.


Yeah, I'm going to have to take it slowly. Things got a little more complicated last night after she'd had a few hours to think about it. I think she's just worried in going to be a different person now, but I just need to keep reassuring her that I'm not going to change.

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2015, 12:19:43 am »
Quote from: kratos264;183560
Yeah, I'm going to have to take it slowly. Things got a little more complicated last night after she'd had a few hours to think about it. I think she's just worried in going to be a different person now, but I just need to keep reassuring her that I'm not going to change.

 
As well as actual reassuring, I think just, you know, keeping up being yourself will help. Doing things that make her think, if subliminally, 'yep, that's you.'

kratos264

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Re: New to Asatru, but still converting also getting married
« Reply #14 on: December 17, 2015, 07:18:41 am »
Quote from: Scales;183565
As well as actual reassuring, I think just, you know, keeping up being yourself will help. Doing things that make her think, if subliminally, 'yep, that's you.'

 Yes, I think she's going through the same steps I did when ib resized I want christian, and probably hadn't been one for a while. It'll just take sy some time.

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