Finding where I belong

[Geroth]

I was raised in a secular Protestant household. Although I did not grow up in a church attending family, my parents instilled in me a sense of cultural Protestantism. When I was 15, I started becoming very interested in religion and spirituality and read the Bible for the first time. The whole thing felt completely foreign to me and I often times felt it hard to comprehend. Soon afterwards, I stopped calling myself a Christian of any sort. Despite the setback, I began to look into other religions, notably Buddhism. I looked into many different sects of the religion but ultimately, I didn’t resonate with it as much as I had hoped. Afterwards, I identified myself as an agnostic and became quite uninterested in spirituality.

When I was 17, my interest began to come back. A good friend of mine was interested in Paganism and gave me one of the Scott Cunningham books to read. The only Pagan religion I had ever heard of at that time was Wicca and it did not appeal to me. So for about a year or so I dropped my search for spirituality completely once again. However when I was 20, I resumed my search. I looked back into Paganism and began to see that Paganism was more than just Wicca. Despite the fact I had no real idea about it, I had a feeling I would find what I was looking for within the Pagan realm, but I didn't know where to start.

I had always had an interest in Ancient Greece as a young boy, so naturally I began my search there. Although I am a "Helleno-phile" and lover of all things Greek, I did not feel attracted to the gods or the myths which disappointed me. Instead, I looked to my ancestry, which is Germanic and Celtic. I looked into the Irish and Scottish pagan religions but disappointingly and despite searching quite feverishly, it felt empty to me. Researching and studying further I looked into the Welsh and Gaulish deities with similar results.

Undeterred I looked into the Germanic pantheon. Heathenry initially felt like it could be the one for me. However, the myths and some parts of the religion itself did not sit right with me. I ummed and arred about it for months before finally deciding Heathenry wasn’t my cup of tea.  

I've also looked into Kemeticism, Religio Romana, Druidry, Romuva, Finnish Polytheism, Rodnovery, Meso-American Paganism, Taoism and Hinduism. I even went back to Christanity and started looking at Christo-Paganism, but to no avail. It’s possible I may be eclectic but I’m not sure. I took some time out to forget about spirituality for a while, thinking maybe walking away from it for a while would do me some good, I did try and look out for signs but nothing popped out at me. A couple of months ago, I got the bug back and started to search again.

I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I’ve tried meditating and prayer. I even tried a little ritual recently where I asked any deity and/or pantheon that wanted to have a relationship with me to come forward in my life and give me signs. I also asked the deities to come into my dream at night. So far, nothing. I’ve become quite frustrated and a little bit depressed. I feel the deities’ aren’t taking much of an interest in me. It really makes me quite frustrated when I see or hear of people who manage to find their spiritual tradition so easily.

Does anybody have any advice for me on what I should do to find my deities/pagan path?

[RandallS]

Does anybody have any advice for me on what I should do to find my deities/pagan path?

This probably sounds dumb, but have you tried the Belief-O-Matic quiz? It's not necessarily great for determining a religion, but its 20 questions get you thinking about what you already belief -- knowing that can sometimes help when you are looking for a religion you can live with.

[Geroth]

This probably sounds dumb, but have you tried the Belief-O-Matic quiz? It's not necessarily great for determining a religion, but its 20 questions get you thinking about what you already belief -- knowing that can sometimes help when you are looking for a religion you can live with.

I've taken that test quite a few times before and have gotten the same 3 most of the time. I just took it recently.

My top 3 where:

1. Neo-Paganism (100%)
2. Jainism (91%)
3. Unitarian Universalist (86%)

I've actually looked into Jainism and Unitarian Universalism but never felt a connection to them. Janism is far too strict and Universalism was a bit too Christian for me.

[Polymorphia]

I've taken that test quite a few times before and have gotten the same 3 most of the time. I just took it recently.

My top 3 where:

1. Neo-Paganism (100%)
2. Jainism (91%)
3. Unitarian Universalist (86%)

I've actually looked into Jainism and Unitarian Universalism but never felt a connection to them. Janism is far too strict and Universalism was a bit too Christian for me.

 
I'm pretty new to Paganism myself, but I know the pain of wanting to belong and feeling like you don't.

Maybe if you wrote down in a journal or something what you really want in a religion? Your goals and needs? Maybe even write down a list of the deities you like best?

You can be spiritual without worshiping a deity as well; it sounds like you're a spiritual person on your own. (:

It's probably best to figure out what you do and don't like about specific things/religions, and then keep narrowing it down until you find your niche. I hope that's a little helpful.

[Amaranthia]

Maybe if you wrote down in a journal or something what you really want in a religion? Your goals and needs? Maybe even write down a list of the deities you like best?

You can be spiritual without worshiping a deity as well; it sounds like you're a spiritual person on your own. (:

 
I think this was very well said. I find that when I was working towards finding my path and place among paganism that I kept notes, Highlighting what I felt really resonated with me and continuing my research on those subject. I took time to meditate about WHY i felt that connection to a bit of information. I found the notes were helpful because I could walk away for a time (If I felt frustrated, lost, confused. etc) and pick up where i left off.

But i think Poly is right, it is very possible to be spiritual without worshiping a deity. That is the route I went while I was still finding my way.

I'm sure when the time is right, your path will present itself. And when it does maybe it will mean even more because of the time it took to get there.