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Author Topic: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list  (Read 8784 times)

Sefiru

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Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« on: December 16, 2013, 09:00:39 pm »
So I was looking over the Teen Pagans FAQ and saw that it still had a mention of this compilation, even though it disappeared from the Web when Geocities went down. The timestamp on the file is August 2007 (has it really been that long?); it lists 248 points and is 7 pages in word. And here it is in all its absurd glory ...

===========================================================
Well, I Guess That Means We’re Not Pagan After All…


The list that follows is compiled from the responses of TC members to the thread “You can’t be Pagan because …”. Each of the items on this list has been told to at least one person as a reason they couldn’t be pagan; I have edited only to make the grammar match. The supposedly clever titles are my own invention. So, in no particular order:

Tasteless Philistines

You can’t be pagan because …
… you don’t like:
   … Silver Ravenwolf.
   … Laurel K Hamilton.
   … their favorite pagan author.
   … “pagan music”.
   … Celtic music.
   … “wimmin’s music”.
   … New Age music.
   … Enya.
   … Lorena McKennitt.
   … Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
   … Led Zeppelin.
… you like:
   … Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
   … Led Zeppelin.
   … country music.
   … Charmed.
   … industrial music.
   … heavy metal.
   … boy bands.
   … anything other than pagan music.
   … Harry Potter.
   … Disney’s Hercules.
… you’re not a Goth.
… you play baseball.
… you watch TV.
… you make Star Trek references.
… you LARP.
… you play Dungeons and Dragons.
… you don’t believe Dungeons and Dragons is real.
… you don’t believe the Ren Fest is a way of life.

I’m Normal, Everyone Else Is A Pervert

You can’t be pagan because …
…you’re heterosexual.
… you’re gay.
… you’re not gay
… you’re not bisexual.
… you’re not kinky.
… you’re into BDSM.
… you’re monogamous.
… you’re not monogamous.
… you waited until marriage for sex.
… you’re happily married.
… you’re a prude.
… you’re celibate.
… you won’t have sex with a random stranger.
… you won’t have sex with them.
   … to pass on your magical powers.


That’s Funny, You Don’t *Look* Pagan

You can’t be pagan because …
… you wear colors.
… you wear black.
… you wear a pink business suit.
… you wear underwear.
… you wear makeup.
… you don’t wear nail polish.
… you don’t wear a cloak.
… you don’t wear unbleached muslin.
… you don’t wear tie-dye.
… you don’t wear a pentacle.
   … the size of a dinner plate.
… you don’t wear a ton of pagan style jewelry.
… you dye your hair.
   … blonde, not black.
… you look like a “good Christian girl.”

Carrot Juice Is Murder

You can’t be pagan because …
… you’re not vegan.
… you’re not vegetarian.
… you’re not a political vegetarian.
… you’re not an animal rights activist.
… you don’t condemn animal sacrifice.
… you eat meat.
… you eat venison.
… you hunt.
… you slaughter your own livestock.
… you drink alcohol.
… you drink soda.
… you smoke pot.
… you don’t smoke pot.
… you don’t use illegal drugs.
… you don’t accept illegal drugs being used.

Have You Hugged a Tree Today?

You can’t be pagan because …
… you’re not nature-centered.
… you wear insect repellent.
… you hate insects, spiders, and centipedes.
… you hate winter.
… you don’t like camping.
… you don’t live in the country.
… you live in suburbia.
… you prefer to live in the city.
… you don’t have a garden.
… your garden does not grow edible plants.
… you buy your herbs at the supermarket.
… you don’t shop at a food co-op.
… you shop at Wal-mart.
… you shop anywhere but a thrift shop.
… you buy brand X.
… you don’t buy brand X.
… you wear anything that’s not completely cruelty-free and eco-friendly.
… you own a car.
… you own an SUV.
… you don’t mind synthetics.
… you don’t consider technology evil.
… you can’t live without electronics.
… you want to be a scientist.
… you have a full-time job.
   … in a technology field.
   … in Washington, DC.

Bad Medicine

You can’t be pagan because …
… you have allergies.
   … to cats.
   … to coconut.
… you take medication.
… you take anti-depressants.
… you use glasses.
… you use a hearing aid.
… you use a wheelchair.
… you’re too thin.
… you take exercise classes (except belly dancing, yoga or tai chi).
… you use modern medicine instead of herbals.
… you use anything other than faith for healing.

Wimmin are from Venus,
Male Chauvinist Pigs are from Mars


You can’t be pagan because …
… you don’t conform to X  gender stereotype.
… you’re a male.
… you’re a woman who:
   … wears clothes.
   … wears a bra.
   … doesn’t cycle in tune with the moon.
   … doesn’t consider her period a spiritual experience.
   … gets PMS.
   … has children.
   … doesn’t have children.
   … doesn’t have a uterus.
… you’re not Feminist.
… you refuse to misspell “women” to defeat the dominant male paradigm.

Oh No, You’re One of “Those” People

You can’t be pagan because …
… you’re not a teenager.
… you don’t have Celtic blood.
… you’re not from X country.
… you’re black.
… you live in the American South.
… you’re poor.
… you’re not a pacifist.
… you know how to fight.
… you’re a member of the NRA.
… you’re in the army.
… you don’t support cause X.
… you’re not politically active.
… you vote for anything but the Green Party.
… you like Ted Nugent.
… you’re pro-life.
… you’re pro death penalty.
… you vote Republican.

Get Your Wicca On

You can’t be pagan because …
… you don’t follow the Wiccan Rede.
… you’re not Wiccan.
… you don’t care about Wicca one way or the other.
… you’re not initiated.
… you’re not in a coven.
… you don’t celebrate the Sabbats.
… you don’t follow the Wheel of the Year.
… you don’t know the secret names of the gods.
… you don’t worship the Lord and Lady.
… you don’t follow Celtic deities.
… you’re more in tune with a god than a goddess.
… you worship a male god.
… you follow gods they don’t like.
… your path is not based on morals.
… you don’t follow a particular path.
… you follow a path they haven’t heard of.
… you don’t practice a path taken from popular fiction.
… you don’t believe they’re a “Guardian” as in Mercedes Lackey.
… you don’t believe there is one single “Pagan Community.”
… you don’t call yourself a witch.
… you don’t call yourself a priest.
… you’re too recon.
… you’re not recon enough.
… recons should call themselves heathens.
… you keep your path a secret.
… you don’t keep your path a secret.

Christian Rays (and other dangers)

You can’t be pagan because …
… you’re friends with someone they think is evil.
… you don’t have a problem with Voudoun.
… you don’t have a problem with Satanism.
… you have Christian friends.
… you speak to your Christian parents.
… you don’t hate Christians.
… you don’t hate fundies.
… you believe in Satan.
… you worship Satan.
… you believe in Hell.
… you have a Bible.
   … and read it.
… you think Jesus had some good ideas.
… you celebrate Christmas.
… you have a Christmas tree.
   … and Christmas lights.
… you’ll listen to Jehovah’s Witnesses.
… you used to be Jewish.
… you used to be Catholic.

Feel The Magic

You can’t be pagan because …
… you don’t cast circles.
… you don’t do big fancy rituals.
… you don’t do rituals outside under the moon.
… you don’t do rituals skyclad.
… you wear what you like for rituals.
… you don’t do rituals.
… you don’t have a magical name.
… you don’t have a wand or athame.
… you work magic without tools.
… you don’t do magic.
… you don’t read Tarot.
… you don’t have a familiar.
… you don’t have spirit guides.
… you practice “Black magic”.
… your practices scare them.
… you don’t believe they’re under attack by spirits/demons/black magic.
… you won’t teach them a spell to kill their enemies.
… you won’t help them cast Wingardium Leviosa.
… you don’t take “witchcraft” in fictional pieces as gospel truth.
… you hate incense.
… you keep track of whether your spells were successful.
… you’re not willing to just “let the magic work”.
… you don’t believe in magic.
… you spell it “magic”, not “magick”.

What Really Happened

You can’t be Pagan because …
… you’re not personally offended by the witch trials of the 17th and 18th centuries.
… you don’t want the Catholics to give you reparations for your holy sites.
… you don’t believe that Jesus was a Wiccan.
   … and the Apostles were his coven.
   … and they were gay.
… you don’t believe that there was an ancient, universal, peaceful matriarchy.
… you don’t believe that …
   … 9 million witches were killed during the burning times.
   … the burning times happened in the Middle Ages.
   … all of the accused were burned.
   … they were all really witches.
   … only Catholics were doing the burnings.
… you can discuss at length, with references, the nonsense of The Burning Times.
… you call the Burning Times “the Medieval McDonalds”.
… you are not one of the descendants of the 100 maiden witches burned at Salem, Massachusetts.
… you are not the reincarnation of …
   … an elf, dragon or fantasy creature.
   … a famous mythical character.
   … a historical person of royal lineage.
… you don’t believe in reincarnation.
…"All of us christians wiped you out a long time ago. There aren't any more pagans."
… “the ancient Romans did NOT have a religion and did not believe in the gods.”

Check Your Brain At The Door

You can’t be pagan because …
… you don’t trust all other pagans without question.
… you don’t agree with them.
    … even on a topic unrelated to religion.
… you don’t condemn other pagans for not being just like you.
… you criticize others.
… you can laugh at your own faith.
… you don’t take yourself too seriously.
… you’re not inclined to play the lottery.
… you believe in science.
… you don’t believe in UFOs.
… you don’t see the world as black and white.
… you think rationally.
… you get angry.
… you cuss.
… you’re willing to insult people.
… you’re willing to ignore people.
… you delight in mocking the ridiculous behavior of others.

And of course, no member of TC can be a true pagan since we’ve all been warlocked to wonder the grey mists forever. (sic) ;)
« Last Edit: December 16, 2013, 09:05:19 pm by Sefiru »

dionysiandame

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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2013, 08:33:06 am »
Quote from: Sefiru;132755
So I was looking over the Teen Pagans FAQ and saw that it still had a mention of this compilation, even though it disappeared from the Web when Geocities went down. The timestamp on the file is August 2007 (has it really been that long?); it lists 248 points and is 7 pages in word. And here it is in all its absurd glory ...

… you have a full-time job.
… in a technology field.
… in Washington, DC.



 
Damn, banned from Pagandom from jump. LOL!
Writ, Ritual, and Revelation - Where I wax poetic about nothing at all.
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Become my latest obsession on Goodreads

He keeps me with all of his other pretty things for I am just another pretty thing in a long list of acquisitions.

Darkhawk

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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2013, 08:38:37 am »
Quote from: Sefiru;132755
So I was looking over the Teen Pagans FAQ and saw that it still had a mention of this compilation, even though it disappeared from the Web when Geocities went down. The timestamp on the file is August 2007 (has it really been that long?); it lists 248 points and is 7 pages in word. And here it is in all its absurd glory ...

 
Hooray someone found it!  Thank you, Sefiru!
as the water grinds the stone
we rise and fall
as our ashes turn to dust
we shine like stars    - Covenant, "Bullet"

beith

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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2013, 09:52:55 am »
Quote from: Sefiru;132755
So I was looking over the Teen Pagans FAQ and saw that it still had a mention of this compilation, even though it disappeared from the Web when Geocities went down. The timestamp on the file is August 2007 (has it really been that long?); it lists 248 points and is 7 pages in word. And here it is in all its absurd glory ...

… you want to be a scientist.
… you believe in science.

 
Silly me thinking I had finally found my path.  No scientists allowed.  Oh well, back to the drawing board!

I found this highly entertaining, thank you for digging it up and posting.

Sefiru

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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2013, 06:53:46 pm »
Quote from: dionysiandame;132814
Damn, banned from Pagandom from jump. LOL!


Heh ... remember, this list was compiled from posts on a TC thread. If you were a member back then, it might have been you who added it to the list!
 
Quote from: Darkhawk;132816
Hooray someone found it!  Thank you, Sefiru!


You're welcome :D:

MadZealot

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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2013, 08:00:04 pm »
Quote from: dionysiandame;132814
Damn, banned from Pagandom from jump. LOL!

Damn.  I'm not Pagan because half that list.  At least Jesus still loves me (this I know.)

Quote
You can't be pagan because... ... you cuss.

Well.


Fuck.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2013, 08:04:01 pm by MadZealot »
Superman is uncircumcised. Change my mind.

dreamweaver

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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2013, 08:08:25 pm »
Quote from: MadZealot;132861
Damn.  I'm not Pagan because half that list.


Same here. A very entertaining list.

Tay Redgrave

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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2013, 08:29:19 pm »
Quote from: Sefiru;132755
So I was looking over the Teen Pagans FAQ and saw that it still had a mention of this compilation, even though it disappeared from the Web when Geocities went down. The timestamp on the file is August 2007 (has it really been that long?); it lists 248 points and is 7 pages in word. And here it is in all its absurd glory ...


This is such a "cute" list. A good portion of that list disqualifies me as a pagan. Here are a few tokens that disqualify me!

Quote

- you like heavy metal.
- you’re not nature-centered.
- doesn’t consider her period a spiritual experience.
- you worship a male god.
- your path is not based on morals.
- you don’t follow a particular path.
- you don’t have a problem with Satanism.
- you think Jesus had some good ideas.
- you don’t take yourself too seriously.
- you believe in science.
- you don’t see the world as black and white.
- you think rationally.
- you get angry.
- you cuss.
- you’re willing to ignore people.
- you delight in mocking the ridiculous behavior of others.

Fireof9

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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2013, 08:42:02 pm »
Quote from: MadZealot;132861
Damn.  I'm not Pagan because half that list.  At least Jesus still loves me (this I know.)





For the Bible told you so?

This is much better than my personal "I'm a bad pagan" list....
Really?  So, hey, want to go fishing?  I\'ve got a telescope, and it\'s going to be a dark night, so we should see the fish really well.
...what, I\'m not talking about fishing?  That\'s stargazing?  It\'s all doing-stuff, so it\'s the same thing, right?
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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2013, 09:56:00 pm »
Quote from: MadZealot;132861
Damn.  I'm not Pagan because half that list.  At least Jesus still loves me (this I know.)



Well.


Fuck.
Same here, guess it's time to rethink my spirituality! NOT!
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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2013, 10:08:49 pm »
Quote from: Sefiru;132755
You can’t be pagan because …


I love that a goodly number of the items are mutually contradictory.  Nice solid foundation, that is. :)

victoreia

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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #11 on: December 18, 2013, 01:29:28 am »
Quote from: Sefiru;132755

You can’t be pagan because …
… you make Star Trek references.
… you won’t help them cast Wingardium Leviosa.


Well, I'm still having problems casting Wingardium Leviosa myself; why help somebody else cast it before I can? Damnit, Jim! I'm a Squib, not a witch! :p

Quote

… you don’t believe that Jesus was a Wiccan.
   … and the Apostles were his coven.
   … and they were gay.


I've never heard this one! :D:

Quote

… you take medication.
… you take anti-depressants.
… you use glasses.


And I started wearing glasses when I was six. :(

Quote

… you can laugh at your own faith.
… you don’t take yourself too seriously.
… you delight in mocking the ridiculous behavior of others.

 
Well, hell! Now what am I?
Do. Or do not. There is no try.  --Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back

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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #12 on: December 18, 2013, 04:38:59 am »
Quote from: Sefiru;132755
So I was looking over the Teen Pagans FAQ and saw that it still had a mention of this compilation, even though it disappeared from the Web when Geocities went down. The timestamp on the file is August 2007 (has it really been that long?); it lists 248 points and is 7 pages in word. And here it is in all its absurd glory ...

 
Oh, wonderful!!! We were talking about this a few months back, and regretting that it was no longer available.

Sunflower
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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #13 on: December 18, 2013, 07:15:50 pm »
Quote from: SunflowerP;132897
Oh, wonderful!!! We were talking about this a few months back, and regretting that it was no longer available.

Sunflower

 
Man the things you miss, being away from here. Yeah, I was the one who collated all that from the thread, which is why I had it around.

FWIW, I scored 162 out of 248 in Unpagan Activities.

Sefiru

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Re: Found on my hard drive: the "You Can't Be Pagan" list
« Reply #14 on: December 18, 2013, 07:43:23 pm »
Quote from: Amphibian;132871
I love that a goodly number of the items are mutually contradictory.  Nice solid foundation, that is. :)

 
I know, right? Those ones are all back-to-back on purpose. :ange:

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