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Author Topic: looking for a way back in?  (Read 3359 times)

magickjeni

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looking for a way back in?
« on: December 04, 2013, 09:47:25 pm »
just looking for a bit of help.  I was raised christian, but eventually ended up a sort of eclectic pagan. I still wane back and forth on the feelings of fear that i'm going to hell because I just can't quite grasp that jesus is the only way to heaven and my witchcraft is evil or that god is a loving and forgiving god who would have me live by a code and a goddess who wants me to follow my heart down a spiritual path that allows me to forgive myself and others, to love and be loved selflessly. I used to think that I wanted my son to start out with christianity, I was stuck on it, I didn't want my son to go to hell for my choices. i'm coming to the realization that I will be a failure at this, as I have found that I can't even bring myself to set foot in a christian church of any type, or even be present for any sort of bible studies, as it raised a horrible turmoil and guilt. this led to me seeking out this pagan forum, where I have found at least one like minded individual who expressed their similar sentiments of frustration,guilt, and anxieties. they also expressed the same feelings of terror I used to feel about burning in hell for our sins, and stories of punishment, and extreme cruel sacrifice for the sake of proving unwavering faith, and I agree with them that I do not wish this same terror upon my son. and it seems the god and goddess has spoken by ridding me of my devout christian nightmare ex husband, with a new husband who is more like me, open minded and pagan at heart, but solitary in practice. I want to raise my son with something, its very important to me, but i'm at a loss as to how. to be honest I have been a bit buttered and set back on my path. I have been having trouble coming to terms with the god and goddess over the loss of my second son, isaiah david c. I wish to step back into the circle and bring my son and husband with me, but I feel that he shares the same bitterness. when we first got together, we had started to share a path, but as time went on, he has shut me out of that aspect, and no longer share in it together. i'm trying to find my path back in, i'm hurting so much inside its tearing me apart, and stepping back from the god and goddess's path for me has made things worse. has anyone been through this? please, does anyone have any insights that might help me?

stephyjh

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Re: looking for a way back in?
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2013, 11:23:41 pm »
Quote from: magickjeni;131446
just looking for a bit of help.  I was raised christian, but eventually ended up a sort of eclectic pagan. I still wane back and forth on the feelings of fear that i'm going to hell because I just can't quite grasp that jesus is the only way to heaven and my witchcraft is evil or that god is a loving and forgiving god who would have me live by a code and a goddess who wants me to follow my heart down a spiritual path that allows me to forgive myself and others, to love and be loved selflessly. I used to think that I wanted my son to start out with christianity, I was stuck on it, I didn't want my son to go to hell for my choices. i'm coming to the realization that I will be a failure at this, as I have found that I can't even bring myself to set foot in a christian church of any type, or even be present for any sort of bible studies, as it raised a horrible turmoil and guilt. this led to me seeking out this pagan forum, where I have found at least one like minded individual who expressed their similar sentiments of frustration,guilt, and anxieties. they also expressed the same feelings of terror I used to feel about burning in hell for our sins, and stories of punishment, and extreme cruel sacrifice for the sake of proving unwavering faith, and I agree with them that I do not wish this same terror upon my son. and it seems the god and goddess has spoken by ridding me of my devout christian nightmare ex husband, with a new husband who is more like me, open minded and pagan at heart, but solitary in practice. I want to raise my son with something, its very important to me, but i'm at a loss as to how. to be honest I have been a bit buttered and set back on my path. I have been having trouble coming to terms with the god and goddess over the loss of my second son, isaiah david c. I wish to step back into the circle and bring my son and husband with me, but I feel that he shares the same bitterness. when we first got together, we had started to share a path, but as time went on, he has shut me out of that aspect, and no longer share in it together. i'm trying to find my path back in, i'm hurting so much inside its tearing me apart, and stepping back from the god and goddess's path for me has made things worse. has anyone been through this? please, does anyone have any insights that might help me?

 
If you need a religious community to support you while you figure out what your road will be, you might want to see if there's a Unitarian Universalist congregation in your area. I went to services with them when I lived in the Virgin Islands, and I really enjoyed it, because their thing is, they see value in all religions, and as long as you live by certain ethical principles (which are basically just being a decent human being) they don't try to dictate your private belief. They even have a pagan group called CUUPS (Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans), though not every congregation has a CUUPS group. Some congregations are more pagan-friendly than others, but it's definitely something I'd check out.
A heretic blast has been blown in the west,
That what is no sense must be nonsense.

-Robert Burns

Faemon

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Re: looking for a way back in?
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2013, 01:31:37 am »
Quote from: magickjeni;131446
just looking for a bit of help.  I was raised christian, but eventually ended up a sort of eclectic pagan. I still wane back and forth on the feelings of fear that i'm going to hell because I just can't quite grasp that jesus is the only way to heaven and my witchcraft is evil or that god is a loving and forgiving god who would have me live by a code and a goddess who wants me to follow my heart down a spiritual path that allows me to forgive myself and others, to love and be loved selflessly.

I want to raise my son with something, its very important to me, but i'm at a loss as to how. to be honest I have been a bit buttered and set back on my path. I have been having trouble coming to terms with the god and goddess over the loss of my second son, isaiah david c. I wish to step back into the circle and bring my son and husband with me, but I feel that he shares the same bitterness. when we first got together, we had started to share a path, but as time went on, he has shut me out of that aspect, and no longer share in it together. i'm trying to find my path back in, i'm hurting so much inside its tearing me apart, and stepping back from the god and goddess's path for me has made things worse. has anyone been through this? please, does anyone have any insights that might help me?


Just a quick question to clarify: Are you saying that when you try to go to church with your son or husband, that your son or husband shut you out? Or that when you try to do something pagan, that your son shuts you out as a lost lamb?
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magickjeni

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looking for a way back in?
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2013, 06:27:45 am »
my son is still young, so he hasn't shut me out, but I don't know how to introduce him to it. my husband just want to let him choose when he gets older, and is reluctant to discuss topics of that nature. as far as going to church, at least both of us agree in that area that neither of us feel very comfortable in church. we are not really people persons, don't like crowds. i've come to the conclusion that christianity or the like just isn't my route, and its definitely not my husbands. but I just feel kind of torn from my path, and i'm not quite sure how to right the boat, so to speak.

SunflowerP

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Re: looking for a way back in?
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2013, 07:07:39 am »
Quote from: magickjeni;131556


 
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Just a quick note:  Please remember to quote, even if you're just  replying to the first message in the thread.  It makes the discussion  easier to follow, and it's required by  our  rules. (If you're using tapatalk on a phone, please hold your finger down on the message you wish to reply to until the quote function pops up.)

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Faemon

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Re: looking for a way back in?
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2013, 12:04:25 pm »
Quote from: magickjeni;131556
my son is still young, so he hasn't shut me out, but I don't know how to introduce him to it. my husband just want to let him choose when he gets older, and is reluctant to discuss topics of that nature. as far as going to church, at least both of us agree in that area that neither of us feel very comfortable in church. we are not really people persons, don't like crowds. i've come to the conclusion that christianity or the like just isn't my route, and its definitely not my husbands. but I just feel kind of torn from my path, and i'm not quite sure how to right the boat, so to speak.


In my opinion, your core values (with or without the religious dressing,) would be imparted by the way you live (whether expressive or private with religious faith).
 
I've been watching that documents a devout Christian's de-conversion. His de-conversion ended in atheism, and I wouldn't want to confuse you with any implication that atheism is The Way--I only offer this because I found it gave me a deeper appreciation for my own spiritual experiences, what they're rooted in (morality, epistemology, personal gnosis, whatever else would go in this list...) and why/how not to be emotionally devastated ifwhen they don't pan out or make sense. If these are simulacrum or simulations, it's still pretty cool that they happen, and I trust it/myself enough to let it keep running because I believe these are experiences worth having... and once I get comfortable with that, then faith kind of just grows.

That said, personal crises of faith, and an absence of a supportive community, is a generally awful experience. I hope that your stay here will bring you some comfort :)
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Freesia

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Re: looking for a way back in?
« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2014, 02:18:20 am »
Quote from: magickjeni;131556
my son is still young, so he hasn't shut me out, but I don't know how to introduce him to it. my husband just want to let him choose when he gets older, and is reluctant to discuss topics of that nature. as far as going to church, at least both of us agree in that area that neither of us feel very comfortable in church. we are not really people persons, don't like crowds. i've come to the conclusion that christianity or the like just isn't my route, and its definitely not my husbands. but I just feel kind of torn from my path, and i'm not quite sure how to right the boat, so to speak.

 
I feel the same way about Christianity. It may be right for others, but it is not for me. My husband would not speak to me about religion until I pried a discussion out of him last week. He wants our kids to choose their own paths of understanding. I am not so sure if I want the kids exposed to society without a background in religious beliefs and an understanding of some of the dangerous ones. Frankly I'm afraid they'll marry Evangelicals and I'll be banned from my grandkids.

DavidMcCann

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Re: looking for a way back in?
« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2014, 01:00:07 pm »
Quote from: magickjeni;131446
I still wane back and forth on the feelings of fear that i'm going to hell because I just can't quite grasp that jesus is the only way to heaven and my witchcraft is evil or that god is a loving and forgiving god who would have me live by a code and a goddess who wants me to follow my heart down a spiritual path that allows me to forgive myself and others, to love and be loved selflessly.

St Anthony of Syria used to say you only went to hell if you wanted to! The Abbé de Tourville wrote "Would you like to be judged by me ... would you feel confident that I should be lenient? God will be more lenient because he is better than I am." When Jesus cured the Centurion's son, he didn't say "And now stop worshiping those dreadful Roman gods!'
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