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Author Topic: Not having it work out  (Read 797 times)

Local Magpie

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Not having it work out
« on: March 26, 2020, 12:25:46 am »
So, I've been trying for the last few months to work with the Christian God. Basically I had a dream where I turned away from a sign of Rhiannon and instead fell back on my bed. I prayed to God to remove from me the sin of Eve and the ceiling opened up. Eventually I did stop working with Rhiannon and instead worked on getting to know God. I even went to church for a few weeks. I've had a few strong experiences, such as *almost* having Jesus in a vision. But to be perfectly honest, I'm pretty unhappy. I find God much too jealous and restricting, The more liberal forms of theology seem to border of pantheistic, which isn't my style. The God in Christianity is too 'big' for someone whose been a polytheist for years. I don't feel compelled either to worship El or Yahweh in a pagan sense. I did get a card reading and her advice was to avoid pride, idol worship and to preform more rituals. It is very hard, however, to preform a to God whom you don't have much of a connection with. I only feel guilty and like I'm obligated to do it. I just keep wondering why I even started this relationship with Him.

I think it was because of Mother Mary, though I'm not quite sure. My Mother keeps telling me that my problem is my lack of faith. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to have faith in however, as my Mothers god is very different from mine. I just feel really bad about it all, like I'm not trying hard enough to make things work out between me and God. But also, maybe we should part ways? I'm not really sure anymore. I did a bibliomancy reading about my anger and basically got a passage about throwing a broom in the fire and then asking why someone else threw your broom in the fire and demanding it back. Which makes sense, I did get rid of a lot that He didn't ask me to, based on my own assumptions. But also, I feel like there is no going back from where we are now. Thanks for any advice and for listening to my ramble.

Anon100

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Re: Not having it work out
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2020, 03:16:34 am »
So, I've been trying for the last few months to work with the Christian God. Basically I had a dream where I turned away from a sign of Rhiannon and instead fell back on my bed. I prayed to God to remove from me the sin of Eve and the ceiling opened up. Eventually I did stop working with Rhiannon and instead worked on getting to know God. I even went to church for a few weeks. I've had a few strong experiences, such as *almost* having Jesus in a vision. But to be perfectly honest, I'm pretty unhappy.

Hi Magpie,
I think, if I were in your position, I'd be finding it very hard to form a relationship that I felt ( and this may be my interpretation of what you said ) forced into.
It may be possible for you to build a different relationship with God, one where you step back a bit then take slow steps together?
There are several versions of God based religion which you may want to research for different ways which may feel more comfortable ( here I have no research or knowledge but my mind instantly went to the fact that there are many active denominations, monastic orders and a lot of ones such as Cathars which were destroyed ).
Perhaps build a relation with an intermediary such as a saint or angel ( I seem to recall Djinn are also sometimes seen as part of this umbrella group ).
Either way this will at least allow you to get more perspective on how you and God are or aren't compatible and if there's room for some form of relationship. 

Sefiru

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Re: Not having it work out
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2020, 06:48:43 pm »
I did get a card reading and her advice was to avoid pride, idol worship and to preform more rituals. It is very hard, however, to preform a to God whom you don't have much of a connection with. I only feel guilty and like I'm obligated to do it.

<snip>

I did a bibliomancy reading about my anger and basically got a passage about throwing a broom in the fire and then asking why someone else threw your broom in the fire and demanding it back. Which makes sense, I did get rid of a lot that He didn't ask me to, based on my own assumptions.

(bolding added) Putting both of these things together, it sounds to me like you've created a mental image of what you think your God is, and are trying to worship that, rather than what he actually is.

You might consider some meditations or mental exercises specifically aimed at letting go of assumptions or thinking outside the box.

My intuitive suggestion, if you want to stick with a Christian frame of reference, is to read the Chronicles of Narnia.  (again, if you already have.) It's very good at conveying the mystical and ecstatic facets of Christianity. Plus, Aslan might suit you better as a personification of God than the pantheistic or 'jealous and restricting' conventional representations.

Local Magpie

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Re: Not having it work out
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2020, 12:34:57 am »
Hi Magpie,
I think, if I were in your position, I'd be finding it very hard to form a relationship that I felt ( and this may be my interpretation of what you said ) forced into.
It may be possible for you to build a different relationship with God, one where you step back a bit then take slow steps together?

Thank you. I do think I need to branch out more for this relationship to work out. I am quite a bit closer to Mary, the angels and some saints.

(bolding added) Putting both of these things together, it sounds to me like you've created a mental image of what you think your God is, and are trying to worship that, rather than what he actually is.

You might consider some meditations or mental exercises specifically aimed at letting go of assumptions or thinking outside the box.

My intuitive suggestion, if you want to stick with a Christian frame of reference, is to read the Chronicles of Narnia.  (again, if you already have.) It's very good at conveying the mystical and ecstatic facets of Christianity. Plus, Aslan might suit you better as a personification of God than the pantheistic or 'jealous and restricting' conventional representations.

This is a really good suggestion! I do feel very 'stuck' on what I was raised to believe about God. I think it will benefit for me to look more into letting go of that baggage, as my mom has already suggested to me. I have actually been reading about different versions of God in Original Blessing by Matthew Fox, but I can't really digest it because of my baggage.

Starlight

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Re: Not having it work out
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2020, 09:37:07 am »
This is a really good suggestion! I do feel very 'stuck' on what I was raised to believe about God. I think it will benefit for me to look more into letting go of that baggage, as my mom has already suggested to me. I have actually been reading about different versions of God in Original Blessing by Matthew Fox, but I can't really digest it because of my baggage.

Your struggle reminds me of something I happened to read last night. It was Chapter One of Armchair Mystic by Mark E Thibodeaux and I was very pleasantly surprised by the first story he told in the first section (Calling and Commitment). I haven't read the whole book, but that first story felt very freeing to me. He has written others (God, I have issues and God's Voice Within) that might be worth dipping into as well - again I haven't read them but I will check them out to see what they're like. And I'm also finding The Bible for Normal People podcast very helpful for opening up my ideas about God.
What you seek is seeking you. - Rumi

The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are. - CG Jung

Local Magpie

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Re: Not having it work out
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2020, 02:28:12 pm »
Your struggle reminds me of something I happened to read last night. It was Chapter One of Armchair Mystic by Mark E Thibodeaux and I was very pleasantly surprised by the first story he told in the first section (Calling and Commitment). I haven't read the whole book, but that first story felt very freeing to me. He has written others (God, I have issues and God's Voice Within) that might be worth dipping into as well - again I haven't read them but I will check them out to see what they're like. And I'm also finding The Bible for Normal People podcast very helpful for opening up my ideas about God.

I'll have to check his work out!

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