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Author Topic: Problems with Co-Consciousness...well, is this a problem?  (Read 375 times)

Redfaery

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Problems with Co-Consciousness...well, is this a problem?
« on: August 08, 2014, 09:24:52 pm »
So, I have kind of an embarrassing question, and one that I'm also a little scared to ask, because I'm worried people will just go OMG YOU'RE CRAZY. But here it is.

My patron goddess Sarasvati shadows me more or less constantly. If I'm stressed out, or just too anxious, I can't sense her, but if I sit quietly and still my thoughts...yep, she's right there still. She's always there. Normally she'll make herself known with just feelings or sensations: a tingling pressure in my solar plexus is the usual way, but she'll also pop comments into my head or just leave a feeling of mirth that I interpret as her laughter.

Before I went to Japan, I sometimes had a problem sorting out that a feeling or impression was not mine, but Hers (or was not only my reaction; it's become very blurry to me). Now that I'm in Japan, and Sarasvati is doing much more shadowing (especially when I go sightseeing! She's such a fun guide at the shrines and temples, because she can be really snarky about the decor....)

Insofar as this is a mental health issue, it's because I have Asperger's and chronic anxiety. I am used to dealing with emotions that come out of nowhere and have no rational basis. Yet these are always negative emotions. Likewise, the intrusive thoughts are always negative thoughts. So I'm really not sure how to deal with sorting out the sudden feelings I may get in a shrine that aren't bad, but that are confusing because I don't know why I'm having them all of a sudden.

I mean, to give an example, I went sightseeing today. I found a shrine at the other side of Kichijoji, and they had an...interesting Temizu pavilion. Basically, instead of running water, you had to wave the dipper in front of a motion sensor to get a spout to work for you. Without Benzaiten/Sarasvati around, my reaction would have been "oh, how interesting. I bet this keeps them from having to pay a fortune to pump in city water, and it's not wasteful, since they're nowhere near the pond." Instead, I got that feeling in my solar plexus of an urge to laugh. I thought *I* wanted to laugh!

I asked a bystander which kami was enshrined, and was told it was Hachiman. I didn't quite understand him at first, and was repeating his words quietly until...Ohhhhhhh! Hachiman!!!! And it was a feeling of comprehension that was much....larger? than it should have been. My reaction was "well of course the temizu pavilion is made like a public restroom sink. It's Hachiman." I'd never think something like that on my own!

As I walked back to my hotel, I had a silent conversation with her as it began to sink in that all of this wasn't normal for me, and that this kind of thing has been happening a lot. I wondered if it was all in my head, and I'm just making things up. I thought to myself "would I have felt that same ohhhh if I'd been told it was Tenman Tenjin?" and that made sense to me, until Sarasvati quipped "he has taste,"

So....I know this is a long post, but I'm worried that this might be a problem. I mean, I want to be able to tell when the thoughts in my head are mine, and when they aren't. So far, all I can do is ask Sarasvati, and she's certainly not the type to play headgames with me. And....fortunately, so far it's turned out that when I've had a thought that wasn't really like me, it's turned out that yes, it was Her, not me.

Is it a problem? Should I work on some sort of method for sorting out things like this? Thoughts?
KARMA: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

HeartShadow

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Re: Problems with Co-Consciousness...well, is this a problem?
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2014, 11:22:09 pm »
Quote from: Redfaery;155190
So, I have kind of an embarrassing question, and one that I'm also a little scared to ask, because I'm worried people will just go OMG YOU'RE CRAZY. But here it is.

 
This is not entirely odd.  It's a specific type of relationship, and it may not stay at that level.  But it's more /interesting/ to wander around with someone that sees these things through new eyes.  Your impressions change the thing looked at.  Your reactions change the context.

Putting value on it (good/bad) is the wrong answer to the wrong question.  It IS, and what matters is knowing who and why and how to respond.  When necessary, how to keep it inside your teeth.

It is a thing that is.  It's as much of a problem, or not, as your life makes it.

Aster Breo

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Re: Problems with Co-Consciousness...well, is this a problem?
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2014, 12:02:52 am »
Quote from: Redfaery;155190
Thoughts?

I've never experienced anything like this, so feel free to tell me I'm way off base.  

As I read your post, I tried to imagine how I'd feel if it were happening to me -- although in my case it would be Brighid.  I think I'd be pretty confused and not just a little uncomfortable. But I think the first thing I'd do is talk to Her about it and maybe ask if She could back off a little. Or if She could do something to help me more easily recognize Her thoughts and separate them from mine -- some kind of signal that would accompany each thought, or something like that.

As Shad said, other people have experienced similar things. I've read about this and talked to a few people who've gone through it. For most of them, it was not permanent. There was some reason their deity decided to be so present in their life at that point. In some cases, it was to help the person through a difficult time. In others, it was to teach a specific lesson. Etc.  Maybe Sarasvati wants you to have a particular experience while you're in Japan, and will pull back a little after your trip.

In any case, it wouldn't hurt to ask Her.
"The status is not quo."  ~ Dr. Horrible

Redfaery

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Re: Problems with Co-Consciousness...well, is this a problem?
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2014, 01:57:21 am »
Quote from: Aster Breo;155198
I've never experienced anything like this, so feel free to tell me I'm way off base.  

As I read your post, I tried to imagine how I'd feel if it were happening to me -- although in my case it would be Brighid.  I think I'd be pretty confused and not just a little uncomfortable. But I think the first thing I'd do is talk to Her about it and maybe ask if She could back off a little. Or if She could do something to help me more easily recognize Her thoughts and separate them from mine -- some kind of signal that would accompany each thought, or something like that.

As Shad said, other people have experienced similar things. I've read about this and talked to a few people who've gone through it. For most of them, it was not permanent. There was some reason their deity decided to be so present in their life at that point. In some cases, it was to help the person through a difficult time. In others, it was to teach a specific lesson. Etc.  Maybe Sarasvati wants you to have a particular experience while you're in Japan, and will pull back a little after your trip.

In any case, it wouldn't hurt to ask Her.

 

If this were happening to me in the US, I think I'd definitely be quite confused. Not sure about uncomfortable, though. I've got a pretty open head, so I think I'm not as squicked out by the idea of someone wandering in and poking around. I mean, I'm so bad at keeping things out. Sarasvati's the one who guards the door; she gets to bother me as much as She likes!

I think the frequency of the bothering is what's giving me trouble. I've become used to having her thoughts in my head and can't really distinguish them from my own as well anymore. Though I will be honest, Sarasvati is quite consistent about giving me an extra poke if I don't realize it's Her.

I was thinking that she would pull back once I returned from Japan, but as soon as I tried to type something to that effect, She just went "Hah! No."
KARMA: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

stephyjh

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Re: Problems with Co-Consciousness...well, is this a problem?
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2014, 02:01:40 am »
Quote from: Redfaery;155190
So, I have kind of an embarrassing question, and one that I'm also a little scared to ask, because I'm worried people will just go OMG YOU'RE CRAZY. But here it is.


 
You're not crazy. You're godbothered. I've got it too, with several different gods to varying degrees. But once I made it clear it was bugging me, they backed off quite a bit. The same way that it's often important to establish and maintain your boundaries with people, it can be with gods, too. If it's creeping you out, I think it would be worth telling Sarasvati so. I'm sure from what you've said that she'll understand if you tell her you still want her presence but would be a little more comfortable if you could tell more easily where your thoughts stop and hers start.
A heretic blast has been blown in the west,
That what is no sense must be nonsense.

-Robert Burns

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