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Author Topic: Very much lost  (Read 671 times)

Revontulet

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Very much lost
« on: March 12, 2013, 06:27:29 am »
Hard to believe that I am sitting here at 5 am writing this Ive held it all in for so long, parts of it dont even seem real.

Best place as any is to go to the start of all of this. Rewind 8 years, on a random day in February just blowing time on the internet i happened upon a strange friendship. Click instantly, and it didn't take long for us to figure out we where born on the same day, same year,and that we had almost everything in common not much longer after that i started having odd dreams or id suddenly stop what i was doing and think of him. ODD! But i rolled with it, always joking about how similar we are and how if we ever got together we would end up in jail lol. My life barged forward as most would expect, always keeping like a secret room in my heart hidden from everyone about what i was thinking and feeling. The longer I have known him the more it has grown, It feels like a brightly lit room where me and him can meet and talk (though i can never remember about what). But ive just kept this all there hidden, when i talk with him we can sort of acknowledge it yet we both back off. We both do admit that we care and watch out for one another yet, At some point a few years back i decided I needed to stop being so silly about all of this how in the hell could me and a person over 1,000 miles from me telepathically speak im a simple kitchen witch.

Life went forward and I got married, and started this whole life thing. I though things where going to be okay, always keeping my mind and eye on my special twin though. About a year and a half ago i decided I wanted children but was bothered by the thought of having them with my husband! WTF and this is where i began to loose my composure, I spend many months alone trying to understand this feeling i was having. After months of mind numbing sadness I approached a friend of mine and explained some of what was going on. He is a shaman his suggestion was DMT i said yes! It turned my life upside down. In November of last year I sat down on my couch ready to try and understand and to talk to the goddess. What I walked away with was mind blowing and im still struggling with it.

Ive come to the conclusion i feel as though somehow im betraying my twin if I have children with my husband. And also at the same time feel my husband isn't good enough to father my children. And its not that I dont care for my husband its just this nagging feeling that keeps growing stronger. And no matter what I tell myself I find myself unconditionally loving my twin. Its becoming intolerable. Im nearing 30 and I dont know what to do about all of this. There is so much fear that wells with in me over this. I made myself a promise to grow as much as I could this year spiritually.  I want to understand what is going on and why I feel so odd all the time now. So I find myself here reaching out. For answers or some one that understands and might have some advice on how I might want to move forward at this point. Considering im am terrified to do anything.
"The sky is fallin in on me, His hands are turning out weak. Ive given myself up to believe, I\'ll give the sacrifice for god\'s to see."

Laveth

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Re: Very much lost
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2013, 02:56:06 pm »
Quote from: Revontulet;100795
Hard to believe that I am sitting here at 5 am writing this Ive held it all in for so long, parts of it dont even seem real.

Best place as any is to go to the start of all of this. Rewind 8 years, on a random day in February just blowing time on the internet i happened upon a strange friendship. Click instantly, and it didn't take long for us to figure out we where born on the same day, same year,and that we had almost everything in common not much longer after that i started having odd dreams or id suddenly stop what i was doing and think of him. ODD! But i rolled with it, always joking about how similar we are and how if we ever got together we would end up in jail lol. My life barged forward as most would expect, always keeping like a secret room in my heart hidden from everyone about what i was thinking and feeling. The longer I have known him the more it has grown, It feels like a brightly lit room where me and him can meet and talk (though i can never remember about what). But ive just kept this all there hidden, when i talk with him we can sort of acknowledge it yet we both back off. We both do admit that we care and watch out for one another yet, At some point a few years back i decided I needed to stop being so silly about all of this how in the hell could me and a person over 1,000 miles from me telepathically speak im a simple kitchen witch.

Life went forward and I got married, and started this whole life thing. I though things where going to be okay, always keeping my mind and eye on my special twin though. About a year and a half ago i decided I wanted children but was bothered by the thought of having them with my husband! WTF and this is where i began to loose my composure, I spend many months alone trying to understand this feeling i was having. After months of mind numbing sadness I approached a friend of mine and explained some of what was going on. He is a shaman his suggestion was DMT i said yes! It turned my life upside down. In November of last year I sat down on my couch ready to try and understand and to talk to the goddess. What I walked away with was mind blowing and im still struggling with it.

Ive come to the conclusion i feel as though somehow im betraying my twin if I have children with my husband. And also at the same time feel my husband isn't good enough to father my children. And its not that I dont care for my husband its just this nagging feeling that keeps growing stronger. And no matter what I tell myself I find myself unconditionally loving my twin. Its becoming intolerable. Im nearing 30 and I dont know what to do about all of this. There is so much fear that wells with in me over this. I made myself a promise to grow as much as I could this year spiritually.  I want to understand what is going on and why I feel so odd all the time now. So I find myself here reaching out. For answers or some one that understands and might have some advice on how I might want to move forward at this point. Considering im am terrified to do anything.

 
Welcome?

I'm going to refrain from commenting on your... predicament.. for now, just because the ideas coming into my mind are probably not things that you want to hear. But I'll ghost in case it develops into something more productive later.

yewberry

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Re: Very much lost
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2013, 04:36:55 pm »
Quote from: Revontulet;100795
For answers or some one that understands and might have some advice on how I might want to move forward at this point. Considering im am terrified to do anything.


I'm just going to suggest (gently) that your expectations regarding marriage might be a tad unrealistic.

Brina

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Re: Very much lost
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2013, 10:03:38 pm »
Quote from: Revontulet;100795
Considering im am terrified to do anything.

 
The only thing I can suggest to do is to try and actually meet this "psychic twin" somehow. Get together and actually talk. See what his opinion is, see what feelings you get when they are actually in the same room with you. After it is out in open with your twin, then you might have a clearer picture of what you can do. You may work through your issues and decide to have children with your husband, or you might have to sacrifice your marriage for your twin, or some other solution between. But I don't think that is a decision you should make on impressions of a person you haven't actually met yet.
I\'m living in the Shadows and the Night, wrapped in warm darkness, safe and sure.
My Path shines by the Moon\'s fragile light, it frees my Mind and keeps my Heart pure.

Kira

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Re: Very much lost
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2013, 10:43:20 pm »
Quote from: Revontulet;100795
Hard to believe that I am sitting here at 5 am writing this Ive held it all in for so long, parts of it dont even seem real.

Best place as any is to go to the start of all of this. Rewind 8 years, on a random day in February just blowing time on the internet i happened upon a strange friendship. Click instantly, and it didn't take long for us to figure out we where born on the same day, same year,and that we had almost everything in common not much longer after that i started having odd dreams or id suddenly stop what i was doing and think of him. ODD! But i rolled with it, always joking about how similar we are and how if we ever got together we would end up in jail lol. My life barged forward as most would expect, always keeping like a secret room in my heart hidden from everyone about what i was thinking and feeling. The longer I have known him the more it has grown, It feels like a brightly lit room where me and him can meet and talk (though i can never remember about what). But ive just kept this all there hidden, when i talk with him we can sort of acknowledge it yet we both back off. We both do admit that we care and watch out for one another yet, At some point a few years back i decided I needed to stop being so silly about all of this how in the hell could me and a person over 1,000 miles from me telepathically speak im a simple kitchen witch.

Life went forward and I got married, and started this whole life thing. I though things where going to be okay, always keeping my mind and eye on my special twin though. About a year and a half ago i decided I wanted children but was bothered by the thought of having them with my husband! WTF and this is where i began to loose my composure, I spend many months alone trying to understand this feeling i was having. After months of mind numbing sadness I approached a friend of mine and explained some of what was going on. He is a shaman his suggestion was DMT i said yes! It turned my life upside down. In November of last year I sat down on my couch ready to try and understand and to talk to the goddess. What I walked away with was mind blowing and im still struggling with it.

Ive come to the conclusion i feel as though somehow im betraying my twin if I have children with my husband. And also at the same time feel my husband isn't good enough to father my children. And its not that I dont care for my husband its just this nagging feeling that keeps growing stronger. And no matter what I tell myself I find myself unconditionally loving my twin. Its becoming intolerable. Im nearing 30 and I dont know what to do about all of this. There is so much fear that wells with in me over this. I made myself a promise to grow as much as I could this year spiritually.  I want to understand what is going on and why I feel so odd all the time now. So I find myself here reaching out. For answers or some one that understands and might have some advice on how I might want to move forward at this point. Considering im am terrified to do anything.


All I'm going to say is please figure out where you are with your husband BEFORE you bring children into this world with him or anyone else.

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