Happy and Panicking!: A Random Vent?

[RuachHaKodesh9]

It seems that since I've been active here all I've been doing is asking for help or advice. I hate that I've been so needy (for lack of a better word?) lately. And, I do intend to remedy this soon. I appreciate everything. And, to have a place where no one is going to consign me to Hell or anything. To those of you who will respond, please know how much I appreciate it (I do, a bunch).

I'm kind of freaking out at present. I think I can safely file this under "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it." Except, at the same time, I'm overjoyed (it's complicated).

The other day I prayed to the One who has been with me since childhood, asking--no, begging, for a kick in the rear concerning anxiety disorder/personality disorder. I was desperate, though not in a self-destructive kind of way. It was more like I reached a saturation point; I am tired of wasting my life with irrational fear and my resources (which could be used best elsewhere) for finding ways to hide, evade, and keep myself "safe."

Today, it is very clear that She is offering me a chance to do Work. She wants me to make a commitment to change what does not serve me, Her, or anyone else in my immediate environment. But, because it is Her, I know I can trust Her implicitly. At the same time, I'm panicking. Because, trust. Trust is the word du jour. I trust Her more than I do myself, and my ability to bitch up (not a bad thing, bitching up). And yet, I'm exhilirated and excited and...joyful. Because apparently, She believes in me...

So why don't I just take that leap? It's totally for the best!

[Redfaery]

So why don't I just take that leap? It's totally for the best!

Making big changes in your life - even if you know they will be for the better - is anxiety provoking. Even if those changes mean TACKLING a chronic issue such as the anxiety and panic disorder itself...that's a lot. It would naturally be overwhelming to take such a big step. I understand why you're panicking. I think She will too. Just ask yourself - She has looked out for you for a long time. Why would She hand you a task you couldn't do? Don't worry about if you trust her. It sounds like you're having trouble trusting yourself.

So trust yourself. It will be worth it.

[missgraceless]

It seems that since I've been active here all I've been doing is asking for help or advice. I hate that I've been so needy (for lack of a better word?) lately.

Don't worry about it! Any thread I've started is because I need some kind of advice. That's why we're here!

The other day I prayed to the One who has been with me since childhood, asking--no, begging, for a kick in the rear concerning anxiety disorder/personality disorder. I was desperate, though not in a self-destructive kind of way. It was more like I reached a saturation point; I am tired of wasting my life with irrational fear and my resources (which could be used best elsewhere) for finding ways to hide, evade, and keep myself "safe."
...
So why don't I just take that leap? It's totally for the best!

 
I know how you feel. I'm still stuck in the rut of depression/bipolar/general anxiety, and although I know what I need to do to get out of it, I can't yet. Not having money kinda stinks.
But if you're physically and financially ready, go for it! The emotional readiness will catch up.

Just curious, what kind of Work did She ask you to do? But of course you don't have to tell me if you'd rather not or if it's private.

[RuachHaKodesh9]

Don't worry about it! Any thread I've started is because I need some kind of advice. That's why we're here!

I quite appreciate this :-)
 

I know how you feel. I'm still stuck in the rut of depression/bipolar/general anxiety, and although I know what I need to do to get out of it, I can't yet. Not having money kinda stinks.
But if you're physically and financially ready, go for it! The emotional readiness will catch up.

Just curious, what kind of Work did She ask you to do? But of course you don't have to tell me if you'd rather not or if it's private.

 
She asked me, basically, to formally commit certain aspects of my life to Her (like my work). I intend to do so, but, at the same time, promising a Goddess is a big deal. Right now, I'm preparing myself.

[Redfaery]

She asked me, basically, to formally commit certain aspects of my life to Her (like my work). I intend to do so, but, at the same time, promising a Goddess is a big deal. Right now, I'm preparing myself.

 
I have sort of done this with Sarasvati with my dedication. My plan for my life before I met Her was to be a historian - a serious scholar. Now that I have done the initial dedication, I see that goal as having much more meaning. I'm not just going to be a scholar because I love researching stuff, and being a historian is what suits me. I'm doing it because this way I can bring knowledge into the world. That's what my work for Her is. I'm supposed to bring the knowledge I gather into the world and share it with people, so that they can have knowledge too. Because learning is a sacred act, and by teaching people, I am doing something very holy to her.

I hope that doesn't sound too woo-woo?

[missgraceless]

I hope that doesn't sound too woo-woo?

Not at all! I never thought about becoming a historian, I love research. But jewelery is my true passion. The thought and love that goes into hand working the metals really just speaks to me.

[Shakas]

I quite appreciate this :-)
 She asked me, basically, to formally commit certain aspects of my life to Her (like my work). I intend to do so, but, at the same time, promising a Goddess is a big deal. Right now, I'm preparing myself.

Sometimes, we are called upon to leap from the cliff on faith, and build our wings on the way down.

Most of the greatest growth in my life has come from moments of crisis, and doing things others have deemed risky or even "impossible."

I say follow your heart.  Certainly keep your brain along for the ride, and consult it regularly; there is a difference between stepping out of your comfort zone versus taking a foolish risk.

[RuachHaKodesh9]

I have sort of done this with Sarasvati with my dedication. My plan for my life before I met Her was to be a historian - a serious scholar. Now that I have done the initial dedication, I see that goal as having much more meaning. I'm not just going to be a scholar because I love researching stuff, and being a historian is what suits me. I'm doing it because this way I can bring knowledge into the world. That's what my work for Her is. I'm supposed to bring the knowledge I gather into the world and share it with people, so that they can have knowledge too. Because learning is a sacred act, and by teaching people, I am doing something very holy to her.

I hope that doesn't sound too woo-woo?

 
I second missgraceless that this isn't too woo-woo. And, even if it "is", who cares? It's  beautiful. Is it safe to assume that when She chose you, Sarasvati knew your natural bent and "recruited" you to do Her holy work in the world. Because, based on my admittedly limited observation, this is how it seems to work? At least sometimes?

As far as I can tell right now, My Lady (Whom I shall call The Dancing Woman) is either answering my prayers for help, something for which I'm very grateful and/or  "forcing" (or encouraging) me to make myself accountable to Her, so that I CAN actually do Her work in the world and not just keep self-destructing. At the risk of sounding woo woo and fluffy myself, I have an intuition that Her "work" has something to do with my natural bents as well. Time will tell.

[RuachHaKodesh9]

Not at all! I never thought about becoming a historian, I love research. But jewelery is my true passion. The thought and love that goes into hand working the metals really just speaks to me.

 
This is admittedly off topic, but may I ask about your jewelry? (I make jewelry too.) You work with metal?

[RuachHaKodesh9]

Sometimes, we are called upon to leap from the cliff on faith, and build our wings on the way down.

Most of the greatest growth in my life has come from moments of crisis, and doing things others have deemed risky or even "impossible."

I say follow your heart.  Certainly keep your brain along for the ride, and consult it regularly; there is a difference between stepping out of your comfort zone versus taking a foolish risk.

 
Thank you.

My comfort zone at this point is extremely small and constrictive lately. So, what feels to me like the leap of faith you mention, the impossible feat, isn't necessarily objectively risky. To anyone else, it might seem pitiful. To me, however, it is that crisis. And your advice is spot on. Lately, My Lady's favorite phrases seem to be surrender (to the process?). Doing anything else than following my heart (brain firmly fastened), I think, would be incredibly unwise...