Please help me understand.

[Rhonin]

I'm honestly at a loss as to how to deal with a dilemma I have placed myself in... Perhaps I should start by explaining what I've done.

I am a Norse Pagan, and I have been practicing magic for a little while now (Just a little over 5 years). I've read a good deal on the proper rites and rituals for various spells and enchantments, and I feel relatively proficient in the matter.

But I digress: About 3 years ago, I met a woman who changed my life. She had helped me find my path as a Norse Pagan, and she helped me understand some of the basics of magic better than I did before. She is a priestess of Hecate (or Hekate, depending on your preference), and she and I grew very close. If it were not for a relationship I was already in, I would have been with her (again, digression). Some time after I met her, she went off into the military. Prior to that, her life was absolutely fraught with pain and torment. She had been abused, raped, and hurt more times than I care to recall. Having gotten to know the person she was/is, I felt that this treatment was unacceptable, and must end.

The night before she left for basic, I had performed a ritual devoted to Hecate (in the hopes that she would hear my plea in regards to my friend), and had asked for two things: For my friend's safety, and for my friend's happiness. Being inept as I was back then, I offered Hecate the only thing I had to give at the time: my heart. I had bound this offering to a pendant that I gave to my friend before she left.

Fast forward a few years to the present: My friend has completely turned her life around, and is slated to marry in December of this year. She is safe, happy, and healthier than she has been. My life, on the other hand, has taken a setback after setback, and my emotional life is next to a complete wreck. I have had weird dreams/visions for the past few years related to Hecate that I still cannot make sense of outside of the aforementioned connection, and I find myself in a near constant state of bittersweet pain when thinking of my friend.

I personally do not regret my actions in this regard, as my friend's happiness means more to me than my personal problems. The questions I have are these: "Was this a wise decision?" and "Where do I go from here?"

[Faemon]

Being inept as I was back then, I offered Hecate the only thing I had to give at the time: my heart. I had bound this offering to a pendant that I gave to my friend before she left.

That wasn't exactly wise, especially if you've only got one of those things, but Hekate generally is or should be wiser. When the time is right, perhaps you'll find your pendant in your hands again, or released to some mysterious ether by melting or breaking and your heart will return.

"Where do I go from here?"

Onward and upwards.

You can also grow yourself a new heart. Better check with Hekate if that's not cheating.

I offered Manannan mac Lir my memory, once. I thought it would be specific memories, but it turned out to include the short-term to long-term memory process. My UPG is that we're re-negotiating that now because I require more memory allocation to function and Manannan isn't mean to me, but what I've noticed is that when something like that is taken... something else is granted. I'm generally less nitpicky now than when I had a nearly eidetic memory, my grudges are more about caution than all-consuming unresolved rage, anxiety is more about ideas than disproportionately dwelled-upon imperfections, and I see more of the big picture.

If worse comes to worst, let's both look for somebody who sacrified their courage to a god, and a dog-owner looking to be a home-owner, and we'll all skip down some yellow brick road :p

[mlr52]

I'm honestly at a loss as to how to deal with a dilemma I have placed myself in... Perhaps I should start by explaining what I've done.

I am a Norse Pagan, and I have been practicing magic for a little while now (Just a little over 5 years). I've read a good deal on the proper rites and rituals for various spells and enchantments, and I feel relatively proficient in the matter.

But I digress: About 3 years ago, I met a woman who changed my life. She had helped me find my path as a Norse Pagan, and she helped me understand some of the basics of magic better than I did before. She is a priestess of Hecate (or Hekate, depending on your preference), and she and I grew very close. If it were not for a relationship I was already in, I would have been with her (again, digression). Some time after I met her, she went off into the military. Prior to that, her life was absolutely fraught with pain and torment. She had been abused, raped, and hurt more times than I care to recall. Having gotten to know the person she was/is, I felt that this treatment was unacceptable, and must end.

The night before she left for basic, I had performed a ritual devoted to Hecate (in the hopes that she would hear my plea in regards to my friend), and had asked for two things: For my friend's safety, and for my friend's happiness. Being inept as I was back then, I offered Hecate the only thing I had to give at the time: my heart. I had bound this offering to a pendant that I gave to my friend before she left.

At that time it was the best decision you could make.

Fast forward a few years to the present: My friend has completely turned her life around, and is slated to marry in December of this year. She is safe, happy, and healthier than she has been. My life, on the other hand, has taken a setback after setback, and my emotional life is next to a complete wreck. I have had weird dreams/visions for the past few years related to Hecate that I still cannot make sense of outside of the aforementioned connection, and I find myself in a near constant state of bittersweet pain when thinking of my friend.

When you have dream/visions of Hecate what are you doing, not doing in them?

I personally do not regret my actions in this regard, as my friend's happiness means more to me than my personal problems. The questions I have are these: "Was this a wise decision?" and "Where do I go from here?"

 
Where you depends on what you want.  If it is the pain you do not want, a spell where you release her, while wishing her well.  If you want to be free of her talk to Hecate and ask if the binding can be modified or undone. Remaing in the bittersweet pain is also a choice.

[Catherine]

The night before she left for basic, I had performed a ritual devoted to Hecate (in the hopes that she would hear my plea in regards to my friend), and had asked for two things: For my friend's safety, and for my friend's happiness. Being inept as I was back then, I offered Hecate the only thing I had to give at the time: my heart. I had bound this offering to a pendant that I gave to my friend before she left.

Fast forward a few years to the present: My friend has completely turned her life around, and is slated to marry in December of this year. She is safe, happy, and healthier than she has been. My life, on the other hand, has taken a setback after setback, and my emotional life is next to a complete wreck. I have had weird dreams/visions for the past few years related to Hecate that I still cannot make sense of outside of the aforementioned connection, and I find myself in a near constant state of bittersweet pain when thinking of my friend.

Hmm, I'd like to help if I can, but I think I need a little more info.

When you offered your heart, what exactly were you offering? Did you offer to give up your own happiness to ensure your friend's happiness? Did you offer your heart to Hecate, and make promises to Her in exchange for your friend's happiness? Something else?

What's happening in these dreams and visions you're having of Hecate? Is She showing you things? Telling you things?

Why does thinking of your friend cause you so much pain?

[Rhonin]

Hmm, I'd like to help if I can, but I think I need a little more info.

When you offered your heart, what exactly were you offering? Did you offer to give up your own happiness to ensure your friend's happiness? Did you offer your heart to Hecate, and make promises to Her in exchange for your friend's happiness? Something else?

What's happening in these dreams and visions you're having of Hecate? Is She showing you things? Telling you things?

Why does thinking of your friend cause you so much pain?

 
When I made the offer, I offered my heart to her. I didn't promise anything to her beyond that, and I asked for nothing from it for myself.

I've had a variety of dreams and visions involving Hecate, most involve her either talking to me, or holding me in her arms. Sometimes it would be like a lover, other times it would be like a mother holding an infant. Most of the time I cannot make out the words she is saying, but I could feel a sense of comfort in them. The only time I could make out what she said, it was something to the effect of, "While your soul is bound for Asgard, your heart is bound to me."

As to the pain, I couldn't begin to place where it is from.

[Aster Breo]

When I made the offer, I offered my heart to her.

But what did you mean by that?  

"Offering your heart" could mean anything from pledging never to love anyone but Hecate, or promising Her your physical heart as a literal offering when you die, or anything in between.

What did you intend when you said that?

[Catherine]

But what did you mean by that?  

"Offering your heart" could mean anything from pledging never to love anyone but Hecate, or promising Her your physical heart as a literal offering when you die, or anything in between.

What did you intend when you said that?

 
Thanks, Aster. This is what I'm trying to get at.

[Catherine]

When I made the offer, I offered my heart to her. I didn't promise anything to her beyond that, and I asked for nothing from it for myself.

 
Have you maintained a relationship with Hecate since then? I mean, besides Her coming to you in dreams and visions, do you honor or work with Her in any way?

I know these things can be very personal, so if you can't share much, I get it. It's just hard to guess at what's going on without knowing a little bit more about the deal you struck.

[Rhonin]

Have you maintained a relationship with Hecate since then? I mean, besides Her coming to you in dreams and visions, do you honor or work with Her in any way?

I know these things can be very personal, so if you can't share much, I get it. It's just hard to guess at what's going on without knowing a little bit more about the deal you struck.

I believe I offered her a part of my love to Her in exchange for my friend's happiness. I felt so much love for my friend when I performed the ritual that it had a strong place in my heart. So I offered the place in my heart where that love resides in exchange.

I have also kept contact with Her periodically by giving her tribute. A show of gratitude for what she did. I have asked for nothing else from Her since.

[Aster Breo]

I believe I offered her a part of my love to Her in exchange for my friend's happiness. I felt so much love for my friend when I performed the ritual that it had a strong place in my heart. So I offered the place in my heart where that love resides in exchange.

Interesting.  That's not necessarily how I would have interpreted "offering my heart".  Is it possible Hecate might have thought you offered something different from what you thought you offered?

[Rhonin]

Interesting.  That's not necessarily how I would have interpreted "offering my heart".  Is it possible Hecate might have thought you offered something different from what you thought you offered?

 
I honestly couldn't begin to understand what she may have interpreted from my offer. Suffice it to say, she seems content on being a near-constant presence in my life, and she still held true to what was asked. I'm just trying to understand what does she intend to do with me now. Again, I personally find myself at a loss, and I'm seeking what guidance I can in the matter.

[Medulla]

I'm honestly at a loss as to how to deal with a dilemma I have placed myself in... Perhaps I should start by explaining what I've done.

 
Snipped.

Despite everything you've said, I'm still confused as to what exactly you offered. You said you offered up the place in your heart where your friend resided. Does that mean you promised to love Hekate more than your friend? :confused:

Could it be that the bittersweet feelings and dreams are more about your friend than they are about Hekate? Specifically your feelings for your friend. You said before the two of you could have had something on a romantic level if you weren't married. Maybe now, with your emotional life in tatters and seeing your friend get married, you're feeling hurt over that.

The dreams may come from Hekate, only you can tell, but from what you described something that crossed my mind is that you're nervous about the promise and that crosses over into your dreams.

I second the suggestions here. Only you can decide what exactly you want to try to do, which is something you haven't told us yet. Do you want to be freed from that promise, or change it, or what? I think that discussing this with Hekate or at least trying to look on the bright side, that maybe giving up some of your affection for your friend was something you needed to do to let her go and you would have been more affected otherwise.