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Author Topic: Things I must remember. By: The Dog.  (Read 1536 times)

Etheric1

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Things I must remember. By: The Dog.
« on: August 06, 2011, 02:31:05 pm »
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater (or snow) out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not help Mom with the gardening by digging up all the flowers she just planted.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

I will not shred the newspaper and redistribute it across the living room -- especially not before Dad has read the Sports section.

I will not eat the dental floss so I can avoid having a sting hang out my butt.
No matter how dark the fur, the bunny is still fluffy. - Mel\'s Law of Dark Fluffs.
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Jubes

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Re: Things I must remember. By: The Dog.
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2011, 07:06:20 pm »
Quote from: Etheric1;10945



 
The  neighbors have lived  next door for FIVE YEARS, I will not  go ballistic at the gate when they come  home.

Small children are NOT SNACKS!!!

I am too big to  be a lap  dog.

I might be  cute but  people  DO NOT want me to lick their  faces.

If I want Mom  or  Dad  or  one of the kids to  THROW the ball for me I  MUST give it to them, NOT  stand there and  growl  while  violently  shaking the  dead  volleyball  back and  forth  slamming it into  Mom's  leg, she does not like  that.

I shall  NOT sniff Roxie's  butt  anymore  she  bites!!! But I will allow her to sniff my  butt because  SHE  BITES!!!!

Mom and Dad  do not like  my offerings  of  dead squirrels, mice  etc  left on the back  porch right outside the door,  this gets me a lecture  from  Mom  about how I am NOT a  cat and I do not  need to leave gifts.
Armed with  common sense and worldly ways.......

ZombyFrogg

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Re: Things I must remember. By: The Dog.
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2011, 07:16:55 pm »
Quote from: Etheric1;10945


.


I will stop barking at the cat for no reason, she is biger than me and can and will smack me with her claws.

I will stop barking at 3am when there is nothing/no one there.

I will stop licking my butt for an hour while sitting on my human's bed, couch, chair, etc..

I will not stick my nose in someone's plate unless it is given to me.

I will not shred the paper plates then hide the pieces under the couch, bed, etc...

I will not steal my human's loofa from the bathtub and the proceed to "kill" it.

I will not stand under my human's feet while they are cooking, it is a good way to burned.

Waterfall

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Re: Things I must remember. By: The Dog.
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2011, 12:11:17 am »
Quote from: Etheric1;10945
.    

 
I will not climb on shelves. My humans put things up there for a reason.

Water is not going to kill me so I shouldn't scream when I get a bath.

I will not throw a tantrum every time I get a new harness.

I will not hide when I'm being called.

The furniture is to stay where the humans put it. I will not drag it around to suit my purposes.

I will not stare at people while they sleep.

Jubes

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Re: Things I must remember. By: The Dog.
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2011, 09:37:59 am »
Quote from: Waterfall;11077


.

 
I will not  sulk when  Mom and Dad make  me sleep in  the house  because I can't control  my  urge to  body  slam the   tent they are sleeping in.

Air mattresses are  not  for  dogs!

I will not  stand to  close to the  brand  new fire pit and wag  my tail thru the  flames,  it  tends to scare  Mommy. (  no worries  her tail is fine)

Marshmallows are for eating  I will not  bury them  strategically around the yard.

Tennis  balls  do not  belong in the  fire  pit.

The big  nylon thing in the  middle of the  yard did  not  eat  the  children, it is called a tent  and  they  sleep in it, I will not  try to  create  my  own door  in it  again.
Armed with  common sense and worldly ways.......

Ember

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Re: Things I must remember. By: The Dog.
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2011, 05:44:44 pm »
Quote from: Jubes;11135


.

 
I am bigger than Mom; therefore, it is not a good idea to jump when giving her people-style hugs.

I am bigger than Mom; therefore, it is also not a good idea to collapse against her legs when I want a belly rub.

Eating garbage can, and probably will, make me violently sick.

The rat is in a cage for a reason, and that reason is NOT so I can help her escape.

Humphrey, though a smaller dog than I, is not a puppy: he does not approve of being treated as though he is.

Playing works much better when I bring back the ball.

Cell phones are for talking, not eating.

Cigarettes are for smoking by people, not for eating by me.

If I have exited the Space Under the Porch through an opening before, I can do it again; I do not have to wrap my lead around the porch supports and make Mom crawl under there to untie me when I'm going inside when it rains.

When Mom says NO she means NO; likewise, when she says OW or F**K it also means NO.

Jumping on new tattoos is bad manners.

So is licking my crotch.
   ...especially while laying on Mom.

Jumping on the car door when Mom gets home does not help her give me love any faster...she has to be able to get out first.

Trying to break my lead to go bark at the horse and buggy going down the road is A Bad Idea.
There be dragons here ♥

"The important thing is to never stop questioning."

hufflee

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Re: Things I must remember. By: The Dog.
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2011, 11:46:34 pm »
Quote from: Jubes;11135
I will not  


I will not chew on my human's toes when they startle me in the middle of the night.

I will not lick the newborn kittens because it frightens their mother (who tried to take a chunk out of my face.)

I will not claw on the front door to get inside. If I do my humans have to repaint it and that DOES NOT smell good...nor does it feel good when it dries on my nose.

I will not gnaw on the horses' fetlocks because they kick harder than it seems they should.

I will not take a bath in the horses' water trough because the horses think it's fun to try and catch my tail between their teeth. (It hurts!!)

I will not take the cooling roast off of the counter and bury half (the half I didn't eat mind you) in the backyard. My humans get mad when I eat their dinner. (I'm willing to share mine, but they don't seem too enthusiastic :confused: )
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change - Unknown
"This [the Irish] is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."
Sigmund Freud (My Irish heart is laughing)

Jubes

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Re: Things I must remember. By: The Dog.
« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2011, 12:15:41 am »
Quote from: hufflee;21736



 
I will not give Daddy the "attitude  face" because he goes  in the house and gets Mommy  and Mommy isn't scared of my "attitude face"

When  Mommy let's  me in the  house I  have to  use  my  inside manners other wise she WILL put  that yucky harness on me.

When wearing  said  yucky  harness I do not  suddenly turn into  a brick, I will not  suddenly  drop to the  floor  and act  dead.

Laundry is NOT FOR EATING!!!!!

Coffee is  for humans, I will not wait till Daddy isn't looking  sit on his  chair and drink and entire cup of coffee then  act like  the  squirrels did it...
Armed with  common sense and worldly ways.......

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