collapse

* "Unable to verify referring url. Please go back and try again" Problem Logging In?

If you get an "Unable to verify referring url. Please go back and try again" error when you try to log in, you need to be sure you are accessing the board with a url that starts with "https://ecauldron.com".  If it starts with https://www.ecauldron.com" (or "http://www.ecauldron.com") you will get this error because "www.ecauldron.com" is not technically the same website as "ecauldron.com". Moving to the more secure "https" means it is more picky about such things.

Author Topic: Humor/Quiz: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic  (Read 21889 times)

Melamphoros

  • Staff
  • *
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 2744
  • Total likes: 2
    • View Profile
Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« on: July 02, 2011, 09:48:03 pm »
This was one of the most popular humor threads on the SMF Board and naturally it is to be carried over onto this one.

So many of us are so nice about answering questions for the newbies.  We give the best advice we possibly can.  This is a thread for bad advice to common Pagan questions. 

Please provide the worst advice you can think of.

(Newbies:  do not read this thread except for examples of what not to do.  Also, you may wish to read this thread on the old board -- Part 1 and Part 2 -- not only because they are a laugh in themselves, but also because there are quite a few in-jokes that you probably wouldn't get otherwise).

Ouestion:  I am the reincarnation of Cleopatra, but no body will believe me.  How should I curse them for denying my Special Snowflake-ness?
« Last Edit: May 08, 2019, 11:17:44 am by RandallS »


Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you will make a great sandwich.
My Spiritual Blog

Nehet

  • Journeyman
  • *****
  • Join Date: Jul 2011
  • Posts: 185
  • Total likes: 0
    • View Profile
    • http://youtu.be/_1GRj6CNSGg
Re: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2011, 05:35:50 pm »
Quote from: Melamphoros;332
Ouestion:  I am the reincarnation of Cleopatra, but no body will believe me.  How should I curse them for denying my Special Snowflake-ness?

Answer:  Of course!  Be sure to announce this curse publicly so that everyone will know you mean business.

Question:  Some freak is wandering around cursing everyone downtown on Pearl Street.  All the hippies are starting to complain about "negative energy".  Who should I shoot first...the drama queen or the damned hippies?
« Last Edit: July 03, 2011, 05:36:37 pm by Nehet »
See, life is but a movement of eternal return.  Even Trees fall ~ Berlin papyrus 3024, (A man tired of life).

Live, Ausir, for all time and all eternity! Ankh Neheh Djet!

Melamphoros

  • Staff
  • *
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 2744
  • Total likes: 2
    • View Profile
Re: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2011, 05:54:53 pm »
Quote from: Nehet;460
Question:  Some freak is wandering around cursing everyone downtown on Pearl Street.  All the hippies are starting to complain about "negative energy".  Who should I shoot first...the drama queen or the damned hippies?

 
A: Just use a machine gun and you can probably hit them all in just a few seconds.

Q: Who is the God of Machine Guns?


Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you will make a great sandwich.
My Spiritual Blog

comW

  • Sr. Apprentice
  • ****
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 60
  • Total likes: 0
    • View Profile
Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2011, 06:59:59 pm »
Me. Appropriate sacrafices include cordite smoke and special snowflakes with lead induced holes.

Can I sacrafice to myself
Steve - ComW

try and find me in the MUX. It does happen

comW

  • Sr. Apprentice
  • ****
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 60
  • Total likes: 0
    • View Profile
Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2011, 07:01:36 pm »
Quote from: Melamphoros;461
A: Just use a machine gun and you can probably hit them all in just a few seconds.

Q: Who is the God of Machine Guns?

Sorry. Mucked up on taptalk
Steve - ComW

try and find me in the MUX. It does happen

Melamphoros

  • Staff
  • *
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 2744
  • Total likes: 2
    • View Profile
Re: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2011, 07:04:10 pm »
Quote from: comW;466
Me. Appropriate sacrafices include cordite smoke and special snowflakes with lead induced holes.

Can I sacrafice to myself

 
A:  Sure, here's a ceremonial knife.  Knock yourself out.

Q:  Someone just declared himself a god and slit his own throat.  What is the best type of stick to poke the corpse with?


Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you will make a great sandwich.
My Spiritual Blog

Sage

  • Adept Member
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2011
  • Posts: 2186
  • Total likes: 4
    • View Profile
    • http://sageandstarshine.wordpress.com
Re: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2011, 07:11:43 pm »
Quote from: Melamphoros;470
A:  Sure, here's a ceremonial knife.  Knock yourself out.

Q:  Someone just declared himself a god and slit his own throat.  What is the best type of stick to poke the corpse with?

 
A: A piece of the darkest ebony in the remotest forest in the world, harvested beneath a lunar eclipse while chanting "Om mani padme hum" to the tune of "Happy Birthday." No stick shall have greater power.

Q: [Insert god here] isn't paying attention to me. How do I fix this?
Maker, though the darkness comes upon me,
I shall embrace the light. I shall weather the storm.
I shall endure.
What you have created, no one can tear asunder.

-Canticle of Trials 1:10

Sage and Starshine (my spiritual blog): last updated 2/25.
Friday Otherfaith Blogging: last updated 2/27
Join the Emboatening Crew over on Kiva! Emboatening the boatless since Opet 2013.

Melamphoros

  • Staff
  • *
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 2744
  • Total likes: 2
    • View Profile
Re: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #7 on: July 03, 2011, 07:23:15 pm »
Quote from: Sage;473
A: A piece of the darkest ebony in the remotest forest in the world, harvested beneath a lunar eclipse while chanting "Om mani padme hum" to the tune of "Happy Birthday." No stick shall have greater power.

Q: [Insert god here] isn't paying attention to me. How do I fix this?


A:  Try carving Hir name into your flesh with a rust blade.  That will prove your absolute devotion to Hir.

Q:  Why do none of my spells work like the ones in Charmed?


Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you will make a great sandwich.
My Spiritual Blog

Sage

  • Adept Member
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2011
  • Posts: 2186
  • Total likes: 4
    • View Profile
    • http://sageandstarshine.wordpress.com
Re: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #8 on: July 03, 2011, 07:31:23 pm »
Quote from: Melamphoros;478
A:  Try carving Hir name into your flesh with a rust blade.  That will prove your absolute devotion to Hir.

Q:  Why do none of my spells work like the ones in Charmed?

 
A: Low cut shirts and smoky eyeshadow is key.

Q: What, what, what are you doing?
Maker, though the darkness comes upon me,
I shall embrace the light. I shall weather the storm.
I shall endure.
What you have created, no one can tear asunder.

-Canticle of Trials 1:10

Sage and Starshine (my spiritual blog): last updated 2/25.
Friday Otherfaith Blogging: last updated 2/27
Join the Emboatening Crew over on Kiva! Emboatening the boatless since Opet 2013.

SatSekhem

  • Sr. Master Member
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jul 2011
  • Posts: 995
  • Total likes: 1
    • View Profile
    • http://satsekhem.wordpress.com/
Re: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #9 on: July 03, 2011, 07:33:01 pm »
Quote from: Sage;483
A: Low cut shirts and smoky eyeshadow is key.

Q: What, what, what are you doing?

 
A: Wearing a low-cut shirt. Duh.

Q: You don't like my style? I think it's witchy!
Religious Blog
Regular Blog

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams

Melamphoros

  • Staff
  • *
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 2744
  • Total likes: 2
    • View Profile
Re: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2011, 07:37:19 pm »
Quote from: SatSekhem;484
A: Wearing a low-cut shirt. Duh.

Q: You don't like my style? I think it's witchy!

 
A:  Witch =/= Street Walker.

Q:  I recently read this book called "Magickal Prostitution."  Is it a credible source for the Worlds Oldest Religious Profession?


Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you will make a great sandwich.
My Spiritual Blog

Nehet

  • Journeyman
  • *****
  • Join Date: Jul 2011
  • Posts: 185
  • Total likes: 0
    • View Profile
    • http://youtu.be/_1GRj6CNSGg
Re: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2011, 07:52:39 pm »
Quote from: Melamphoros;488
A:  Witch =/= Street Walker.

Q:  I recently read this book called "Magickal Prostitution."  Is it a credible source for the Worlds Oldest Religious Profession?

 
A).  The only way to find out is to try it.

Q).  I want to be a magyckal prostitute.  I hate condoms.  Is there a spell I can use to protect myself from STDs?
See, life is but a movement of eternal return.  Even Trees fall ~ Berlin papyrus 3024, (A man tired of life).

Live, Ausir, for all time and all eternity! Ankh Neheh Djet!

Melamphoros

  • Staff
  • *
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 2744
  • Total likes: 2
    • View Profile
Re: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2011, 07:56:19 pm »
Quote from: Nehet;495
A).  The only way to find out is to try it.

Q).  I want to be a magyckal prostitute.  I hate condoms.  Is there a spell I can use to protect myself from STDs?

 
A:  You need not worry about STDs for the Magyckal Prostitutes are completely immune.

Q:  Is there a cure for astral herpes?


Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you will make a great sandwich.
My Spiritual Blog

Sage

  • Adept Member
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2011
  • Posts: 2186
  • Total likes: 4
    • View Profile
    • http://sageandstarshine.wordpress.com
Re: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2011, 08:07:13 pm »
Quote from: Melamphoros;497
A:  You need not worry about STDs for the Magyckal Prostitutes are completely immune.

Q:  Is there a cure for astral herpes?

 
A: What, the STDs you got from your astral initiation aren't good enough for you?

Q: How can you tell if it's real herpes or just a demon spell?
Maker, though the darkness comes upon me,
I shall embrace the light. I shall weather the storm.
I shall endure.
What you have created, no one can tear asunder.

-Canticle of Trials 1:10

Sage and Starshine (my spiritual blog): last updated 2/25.
Friday Otherfaith Blogging: last updated 2/27
Join the Emboatening Crew over on Kiva! Emboatening the boatless since Opet 2013.

Melamphoros

  • Staff
  • *
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 2744
  • Total likes: 2
    • View Profile
Re: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic
« Reply #14 on: July 03, 2011, 08:13:30 pm »
Quote from: Sage;499
A: What, the STDs you got from your astral initiation aren't good enough for you?

Q: How can you tell if it's real herpes or just a demon spell?

 
A: Throw holy water on them.  If it burns and they start to emit a green puss, then it's a demon spell.

Q: Is there an ointment for Demonic Herpes?


Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you will make a great sandwich.
My Spiritual Blog

Tags:
 

Related Topics

  Subject / Started by Replies Last post
10 Replies
2401 Views
Last post January 23, 2012, 07:01:15 am
by Holdasown
13 Replies
8806 Views
Last post August 29, 2014, 08:21:17 am
by RandallS
3 Replies
3199 Views
Last post September 08, 2015, 03:56:26 pm
by Setnakht
7 Replies
1277 Views
Last post January 01, 2016, 12:10:41 pm
by Darkhawk
12 Replies
1016 Views
Last post February 12, 2019, 11:41:19 am
by arete

* Who's Online

  • Dot Guests: 71
  • Dot Hidden: 0
  • Dot Users: 2
  • Dot Users Online:

* Please Donate!

The Cauldron's server is expensive and requires monthly payments. Please become a Bronze, Silver or Gold Donor if you can. Donations are needed every month. Without member support, we can't afford the server.

* Shop & Support TC

The links below are affiliate links. When you click on one of these links you will go to the listed shopping site with The Cauldron's affiliate code. Any purchases you make during your visit will earn TC a tiny percentage of your purchase price at no extra cost to you.

* In Memoriam

Chavi (2006)
Elspeth (2010)
Marilyn (2013)

* Cauldron Staff

Host:
Sunflower

Message Board Staff
Board Coordinator:
Darkhawk

Assistant Board Coordinator:
Aster Breo

Senior Staff:
Aisling, Jenett, Sefiru

Staff:
Allaya, Chatelaine, EclecticWheel, HarpingHawke, Kylara, PerditaPickle, rocquelaire

Discord Chat Staff
Chat Coordinator:
Morag

Cauldron Council:
Bob, Catja, Emma-Eldritch, Fausta, Jubes, Kelly, LyricFox, Phouka, Sperran, Star, Steve, Tana

Site Administrator:
Randall