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Author Topic: Health: Having Self- Esteem While Fat  (Read 11611 times)

stephyjh

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Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #75 on: March 03, 2013, 11:09:13 pm »
Quote from: SunflowerP;99532
It seemed like a good time to bump this thread up.

Sunflower

Really is, especially since the gym that is right on my way to work turned out to be a godsawful fit for me. I wanted to strengthen my shoulder to manage my pain levels better. They started talking about meal plans. Because naturally, the reason my shoulder hurts isn't because of a serious injury 10 years ago that received only the bare minimum treatment. It's because I'm fat.
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Sage

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #76 on: March 03, 2013, 11:11:37 pm »
Quote from: stephyjh;99550
Really is, especially since the gym that is right on my way to work turned out to be a godsawful fit for me. I wanted to strengthen my shoulder to manage my pain levels better. They started talking about meal plans. Because naturally, the reason my shoulder hurts isn't because of a serious injury 10 years ago that received only the bare minimum treatment. It's because I'm fat.

 
Was it a physical trainer that told you that? Because fuck them. They provide services to you that you want, and if the default assumed service is 'make you lose weight' then... no. (It could be that there was a misunderstanding or they were used to dealing with customers whose primary reason for being in the gym was weight loss, but you definitely get the benefit of the doubt in my head when it comes to assessing this situation at hand, especially with your own discomfort levels.)
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stephyjh

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Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #77 on: March 03, 2013, 11:14:23 pm »
Quote from: Sage;99551
Was it a physical trainer that told you that? Because fuck them. They provide services to you that you want, and if the default assumed service is 'make you lose weight' then... no. (It could be that there was a misunderstanding or they were used to dealing with customers whose primary reason for being in the gym was weight loss, but you definitely get the benefit of the doubt in my head when it comes to assessing this situation at hand, especially with your own discomfort levels.)

Even after I told him, "I had an eating disorder for several years. I'm not willing to let someone tell me what to eat," his response was, "Well, how about what NOT to eat?" So he'd clearly decided I should be on a diet.
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Sage

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #78 on: March 03, 2013, 11:17:46 pm »
Quote from: stephyjh;99554
Even after I told him, "I had an eating disorder for several years. I'm not willing to let someone tell me what to eat," his response was, "Well, how about what NOT to eat?" So he'd clearly decided I should be on a diet.

 
Oh jesus jumping bean christ. Yeah, see, this is why we can't have nice things.
Maker, though the darkness comes upon me,
I shall embrace the light. I shall weather the storm.
I shall endure.
What you have created, no one can tear asunder.

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #79 on: March 03, 2013, 11:49:52 pm »
Quote from: Sage;99551
... or they were used to dealing with customers whose primary reason for being in the gym was weight loss....

 
That might be a small mitigation, for an initial misconstruing of a customer's motivation.  But, really, assuming "all our customers have the same primary reason for wanting our product/service" is lazy and self-defeating business policy, right from go.

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #80 on: March 03, 2013, 11:57:48 pm »
Quote from: stephyjh;99554
Even after I told him, "I had an eating disorder for several years. I'm not willing to let someone tell me what to eat," his response was, "Well, how about what NOT to eat?" So he'd clearly decided I should be on a diet.

 
:hdsk::hdsk::hdsk:

Wow, way to show expertise (by which I mean lack thereof) in matters directly pertinent to his supposed field.

Alas, this is probably not merely because he's a fool; I suspect there's a systemic lack of recognition that it is pertinent.  

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Aranel

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #81 on: March 04, 2013, 04:47:16 am »
Quote from: Catherine;37035
Hi everyone,
I wanted to bring this topic over from the old board because it was a good discussion and contains some great links. Thanks to Sunflower for starting it.

http://www.ecauldron.net/forum/index.php?topic=15389.0


 
Thanks for posting this. I think I'm going to be spending a lot of time reading that thread and the articles.

Yep, I'm fat. But I have serious self-esteem issues from it. Doesn't help that my mother is constantly harping on about my weight and if I eat anything that is even slightly unhealthy in front of her she pulls faces and then goes "well, it's your body....."

She doesn't really help matter though. Take ready meals as an example. I'm perfectly happy cooking my own meals but my mother buys ready meals for me quite regularly and then gives me lectures about how unhealthy they are and that I need to cook more. WTF?
Like a few weeks ago, she brought 5 ready meals for me and then whoever packed all the shopping away put said ready meals at the very back of the bottom shelf of the fridge. The bottom shelf being were all the meat and fish is kept and I'm vegan so I never look on that shelf.
A week later, when there were all starting to go out of date she came and had a screaming match at me for letting food go to waste. I didn't bloody know they were there, I wasn't told and I'd spent the week (while she was away) happily cooking all my favourite meals which I can never make at home because she doesn't like them and our kitchen is small so there isn't enough room or time to cook two separate meals.

She also guilt trips me because she brought me a gym membership last year and I've hardly used it. In those few days that the decision was made I was having one of my really good times so I thought I could get over my issues with gyms. But after a couple of times I knew that everybody there was staring at me when I walked in, I got filthy looks of people and I overheard people bitching and laughing about all the fatties who join after Christmas and that we need to basically GTFO because it's disgusting for them to look at us.
So I've hardly ever been (the membership ran out a few weeks ago) but she constantly yells at me about it. Even though part of the deal when she brought it was that she wasn't to mention anything about it to me, or comment on how often I'd been, or even ask me how it was because it would fuck me up. She just tells me that I've made the above things up because I'm actually just too lazy to bother going to the gym.
So all of the above issues plus the fact that I don't actually have the bloody time to go to the gym. I started my job 2 weeks after I got the membership so I really didn't have the time anymore.


But I suppose there are a few things I'm sort of proud of. I'm 80lbs heavier than I'm supposed to be according to BMI (which I know is a pile of shit) yet I'm much fitter than some people I know who have "healthy" BMIs.
Why? Because on average each week I have walks which add up to about 50 miles a week. That's just from walking my dogs during the week (about 5 miles a day) and then walking dogs at work at the weekend ( I work in a kennels and it's between 10 and 15 miles a day).
That doesn't include all the walking I do just to get around during the week, or the walking at work when I'm doing all the other things apart from walking the dogs (I'm on my feet all day apart from breaks).
So yeah, I may not be able to run, I may get out of breath walking up steps but I can out-walk a lot of people who are thinner than me so therefore they must be fitter than me. :rolleye:: Oh and while I'm the fattest person by a long way at work, I've never had any issues about keeping to the timings we do or keeping up with the others when we have to do double walks (two big dogs who are from the same family need two people to walk, for example)
Oh and I power walk most of it at work.


Anyway, I have PCOS so while losing weight would help manage the condition* it means that losing weight is an utter bitch. I often want to punch my doctors in the face. "Well, according to what you're telling me [then they give me a look that clearly says I don't believe you, you're fat, your diet can't be this healthy] your diet is pretty good so how about some moderate exercise? Just a 30 minute walk every day should start to make a difference."
I get quite gleeful explaining to them that I do a minimum of 2 hours walking my dogs each day and that my job is basically walking dogs. And then I get to explain to them that since starting my job a year ago, and with the same diet and everything, I have lost the grand total of 2kg (4lbs).

So as much as I hate myself and how I look, I'm starting to realise that I'm never going to be thin. I'm never going to be able to accept that and will constantly make myself feel shit about my weight, but hey ho.


*although I have a feeling that my doctors are refusing to do anything that might affect my fertility because all women want babies, how could we not?! So any woman who says she does not want children is just being a silly wimmin and she will change her mind in a few years. Ummm, hell to the no. I know my own mind, this isn't going to change but I'm going to have to wait for 15 years because they will even contemplate doing what I want them to do. Bastards.
I wish they could get just this into their heads: I'm never going to get pregnant. EVER. One tiny little part of that is because whenever my periods do arrive I end up spending a month (that's how long they usually last, the longest has been 10 weeks) waking up every morning, running to the toilet and spending an hour or so vomiting and dry heaving. So why the fuck would I get pregnant and subject that to myself voluntarily?!

stephyjh

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Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #82 on: March 04, 2013, 07:40:25 am »
Quote from: Aranel;99581
*although I have a feeling that my doctors are refusing to do anything that might affect my fertility because all women want babies, how could we not?! So any woman who says she does not want children is just being a silly wimmin and she will change her mind in a few years. Ummm, hell to the no. I know my own mind, this isn't going to change but I'm going to have to wait for 15 years because they will even contemplate doing what I want them to do. Bastards.
I wish they could get just this into their heads: I'm never going to get pregnant. EVER. One tiny little part of that is because whenever my periods do arrive I end up spending a month (that's how long they usually last, the longest has been 10 weeks) waking up every morning, running to the toilet and spending an hour or so vomiting and dry heaving. So why the fuck would I get pregnant and subject that to myself voluntarily?!

OT, but I completely understand this bit. My thing with kids is: I like them in theory. There are certain kids I love dearly, and to those kids I'm more than happy to be Aunt Stephy who makes the cupcakes. Children as a rule, though, are loud and dirty and have little regard for personal space, and the combination makes me anxious. And doctors just refuse to respect my desire to never have to worry about pregnancy. I'm currently fighting the battle of the IUD against doctors who want to just give me the pill. (I have ADHD. The pill is not a practical option.) And that's because they gave a flat-out "not happening" when I asked about having my tubes tied.
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Aranel

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #83 on: March 04, 2013, 08:16:40 am »
Quote from: stephyjh;99588
OT, but I completely understand this bit. My thing with kids is: I like them in theory. There are certain kids I love dearly, and to those kids I'm more than happy to be Aunt Stephy who makes the cupcakes. Children as a rule, though, are loud and dirty and have little regard for personal space, and the combination makes me anxious. And doctors just refuse to respect my desire to never have to worry about pregnancy. I'm currently fighting the battle of the IUD against doctors who want to just give me the pill. (I have ADHD. The pill is not a practical option.) And that's because they gave a flat-out "not happening" when I asked about having my tubes tied.

 
I full well just don't like children. They make me incredibly anxious (I have depression and an anxiety disorder, life is fun!) and I don't like being around them. One of my family members has a baby and while they are cute I struggle being around them for longer than half an hour.
I'm happy to go buy clothes for them, and I've been going a bit crazy buying books (even though some of the books they won't be old enough to read for another 10 years :p ) but as soon as their parents ask me to hold them I start panicking. (Sorry, but internet and privacy and the fact this isn't me I'm talking about means I'm using them/they etc instead of him or her when referring to the baby. I know it sounds weird but I would rather use "they" than "it" )
I suppose when they're older and I can have a proper conversation with them I might end up liking them. But at the moment, my only feelings are that they are cute and yes it is sad if they are ill or whatnot, but I don't feel any attachment to them.

I can't do the stupid baby talk either. You know the type of speech I mean, talking in a silly voice etc. I can happily do it with dogs (I talk to my dogs and the dogs are work all the time like that like) but I can't do it with children. I just can't.


Plus, I can't deal with the responsibly of having a child. I can just about cope with the responsibly of owning dogs but never being responsible for another human being. At least with dogs I know exactly how to give them the best possible care and they're never going to answer back at me or try to take control of it and will just love me unconditionally and they won't ever scream at me that they hate me or that I'm not fit to be their mother or whatever.

I think what little maternal instincts I have are all directed at my dogs. :p

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #84 on: March 04, 2013, 08:27:47 am »
Quote from: Aranel;99581

Yep, I'm fat. But I have serious self-esteem issues from it. Doesn't help that my mother is constantly harping on about my weight and if I eat anything that is even slightly unhealthy in front of her she pulls faces and then goes "well, it's your body....."


Yep, I'm heavy too - and there are some issues from it. I knew I was never going to be thin, I haven't been under 200 since a sophmore in high school (1985), and my BMI ideal is supposedly 189. Unfortunately I have gone too far the other way as of late. When I was high 200s I wasn't to concerned, when I broke 300 I was like perhaps I should do more but at a doctors visit 2 months ago I found I had gotten to 360 without noticing and my blood pressure had gotten high. Wake up call.

Now I am on BP meds, have changed my diet a bit and go to aqua fit classes 2 times a week. Over the two months I have dropped 6 lbs and other numbers have improved.

But prior to that, I understand what you got from your mother, I would get it from my wife (except the prepared meals) and everyone else in the family would make comments about how fat I had gotten whenever I was around. It was not a motivator to loss weight, it was a motivator to avoid social situations with them.

I had gym membership but went very rarely, part because when I did go - I tended to overdo it, and part because my inverted schedule (I work from 6 pm - 6 am on a irregular rotating schedule) so when I was the most awake, the gym was closed. Now, I have to sacrifice some of my sleep time to make the classes I go to.


Quote
Anyway, I have PCOS so while losing weight would help manage the condition* it means that losing weight is an utter bitch. I often want to punch my doctors in the face. "Well, according to what you're telling me [then they give me a look that clearly says I don't believe you, you're fat, your diet can't be this healthy] your diet is pretty good so how about some moderate exercise? Just a 30 minute walk every day should start to make a difference."
I get quite gleeful explaining to them that I do a minimum of 2 hours walking my dogs each day and that my job is basically walking dogs. And then I get to explain to them that since starting my job a year ago, and with the same diet and everything, I have lost the grand total of 2kg (4lbs).


I understand it can be a bitch for you, and you seem to be doing all the right things, but every little bit helps - keep it up. I often hear (though I don't know how accurate it is) that the weight loss goes slow to a certain point (based on the individual) then the metabolism kicks overs a it gets easier.


Quote
*although I have a feeling that my doctors are refusing to do anything that might affect my fertility because all women want babies, how could we not?! So any woman who says she does not want children is just being a silly wimmin and she will change her mind in a few years. Ummm, hell to the no. I know my own mind, this isn't going to change but I'm going to have to wait for 15 years because they will even contemplate doing what I want them to do. Bastards.
I wish they could get just this into their heads: I'm never going to get pregnant. EVER. One tiny little part of that is because whenever my periods do arrive I end up spending a month (that's how long they usually last, the longest has been 10 weeks) waking up every morning, running to the toilet and spending an hour or so vomiting and dry heaving. So why the fuck would I get pregnant and subject that to myself voluntarily?!

 
I don't know your doctors personally, so I can't say for sure - you may be entirely right about them, but they also do have to cover their butts from lawsuits. Say you do end up changing your mind sometime in the future for whatever reason, then if you can't, or worse give birth to a deformed baby - you file a multi-million dollar lawsuit. (it happens all the time for far less reason). All you have to say is that they didn't properly brief you, or pressured you into signing any waiver without fully understanding it and they are on the hook.

Heck, because my hospital had been sued several times when some eager new mom and dad had painted the nursery the wrong color due to a guess off the ultrasound, they flatly refused to even guess on the sex of the baby, even when certain traits were evident.
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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #85 on: March 04, 2013, 09:03:43 am »
Quote from: Dark Waters;99600


But prior to that, I understand what you got from your mother, I would get it from my wife (except the prepared meals) and everyone else in the family would make comments about how fat I had gotten whenever I was around. It was not a motivator to loss weight, it was a motivator to avoid social situations with them.


I keep telling them not to mention my weight but even if she remembers not to say anything she'll look at me, then look at what I'm eating, then back at me and then look me up and down so it's basically the same.

I've tried to explain to her that my weight came from comfort eating when I was a child (heck I got the depression and anxiety disorder diagnosis when I was 10! ) and still, whenever I feel like crap, I will reach for the junk food. Luckily, being vegan means that I can go raid the fridge and make cheese sandwiches anymore or dive into the chocolate stash. If I want any junk food like biscuits (kinda like cookies), sweets, crisps etc, I have to buy them myself first so I don't buy them.
But, yes, I do have some vegan ice cream in the freezer and I do tend to keep some dark chocolate handy but whatever.

I have tried dieting but I end up feeling so crap that I start cutting again. Same thing happens when I try to quit smoking which is something that I really want to do now, not because of my health (I don't give a crap about that) but because of the animal testing side of it. But I'm realising that I need that crutch otherwise I end up doing stupid things and while I have suicidal thoughts I don't actually want to die, it's just that it's my only way to stop being me. But I do have attempts in my past and they coincide with diet attempts or quitting smoking attempts, it's more to do with the fact that when I try to diet/quit I'm in a really low place already with hating myself and then the stress I get under from it just makes it a whole lot worse.

On a side note, it does make me giggle that as an obese smoker I can out walk some non-smoking people who are 100lbs lighter than me.


 
Quote
I don't know your doctors personally, so I can't say for sure - you may be entirely right about them, but they also do have to cover their butts from lawsuits. Say you do end up changing your mind sometime in the future for whatever reason, then if you can't, or worse give birth to a deformed baby - you file a multi-million dollar lawsuit. (it happens all the time for far less reason). All you have to say is that they didn't properly brief you, or pressured you into signing any waiver without fully understanding it and they are on the hook.

Heck, because my hospital had been sued several times when some eager new mom and dad had painted the nursery the wrong color due to a guess off the ultrasound, they flatly refused to even guess on the sex of the baby, even when certain traits were evident.

 
We don't really have a sue culture in the UK like you guys have over the USA. And there's quite strict rules regarding claiming compensation from the NHS. Just a quite google: http://suingthenhs.net/
" You should remember that before surgery your doctor will explain the risks involved with that particular type of surgery, and therefore you will not be able to sue the NHS for events that have a reasonable likelihood of occurring during that operation. For example during heart surgery it is fair to say that there is a reasonable chance that you could be at risk of death, whereas amputation surgery you would not expect a doctor to amputate the wrong limb."

It's more to do with the fact that the NHS refuses to believe that young woman can know their own mind and some of us really do not want children ever. Or would be willing to give up the chance to have children (there's always adoption!) if it meant not spending the next 15 years living like this before they would do the treatments.
The thing is, us silly wimmin must want to have babies! It's all that wimmin are good for, remember? So any of us that dare to express the opposite desire will grow out of it one day and should just be humoured until the day they decide they want to find a husband and have 2.4 children as that is the only goal in life any wimmin can ever realistically have.

Hmmm... Maybe I should point out to my doctors that I am gay and if I ever did end up in a long-term relationship and I had a major personality change and ended up wanting to have children it would be my partner who would get pregnant and if she couldn't have children also then we would adopt.

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #86 on: March 04, 2013, 09:58:17 am »
Quote from: Aranel;99581

But I suppose there are a few things I'm sort of proud of. I'm 80lbs heavier than I'm supposed to be according to BMI (which I know is a pile of shit) yet I'm much fitter than some people I know who have "healthy" BMIs.


There's an increasing amount of evidence that this is the case for lots and lots of people - and that for people for whom there are health considerations, exercises (and different food choices) can make a lot of difference even if there's absolutely no impact on the number on the scale.

One thing you can do that can help explain this to people is wear a pedometer: somehow, being able to give people numbers is more persuasive than "I walk a lot, here's how much." I wear a more expensive one that syncs with my computer, but you can get inexpensive pedometers a lot of places.

Quote

I wish they could get just this into their heads: I'm never going to get pregnant. EVER.

 
I don't know if this works with the NHS, but one of the pieces of advice I've seen is that telling your doctor (and making sure it ends up in your file) that you've asked about permanent contraceptive solutions, and doing so again over the course of a couple of years can help make your case for it more persuasively. That way, they have evidence that it's not just a passing thing, but that you've been set on it over a period of time.

(I like other people's kids, especially once they reach the age they can have a conversation, but I have no desire to have any of my own, and I've got health issues that pregnancy would not only make worse but potentially *keep* making worse after the child was born.)
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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #87 on: March 04, 2013, 10:13:17 am »
Quote from: stephyjh;99554
Even after I told him, "I had an eating disorder for several years. I'm not willing to let someone tell me what to eat," his response was, "Well, how about what NOT to eat?" So he'd clearly decided I should be on a diet.

 
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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #88 on: March 04, 2013, 02:06:01 pm »
Quote from: Aranel;99581

So as much as I hate myself and how I look, I'm starting to realise that I'm never going to be thin. I'm never going to be able to accept that and will constantly make myself feel shit about my weight, but hey ho.


There's so much that I would like to say about this, but all of it would sound like I'm trying to tell you how to feel about yourself. I don't want to do that. I really hate it when someone tells me how I should feel about my own body.

So instead, I'm just going to offer virtual hugs if you want them, and hope that some of the links from the archived post might make you feel better.

dionysiandame

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #89 on: March 04, 2013, 03:09:03 pm »
Quote from: BunnyMaz;37944
Oh yeah, it's totally dangerous.  Apparently if you're fat, any sugar, fat or oil intake - even of the stuff that is good for you - is poison and totally the reason you're fat.  Nothing better than having people try desperately to figure out what you're doing wrong.

"Well junk food is full of fat, you know."

"Yup, it also tastes like crap and leaves me with grease shits, and is expensive.  Good thing I cook all my food from scratch."

"Ah.  Ummm... it's important not to eat dessert too often."

"Yeah, it'd be nice if I ever got to eat it, though.  The other half doesn't really have a sweet tooth, so I don't bother to make anything sweet except on special occasions."

"Oh.  Umm, umm... red meat is really fatty?"

"Also expensive.  I'll generally buy stuff I can spread across meals - pig trotters to make a vat of soup that'll last a week, mincemeat that can be eked out mixed with lots of veg, that sort of thing.  We generally eat vegetarian 3-4 days a week."

"Ah.  Really?  Oh, umm... portion sizes are..."

"I mean, yesterday we had a lovely dinner.  I made a spinach tart the day before and we still had half of it left, so I reheated the rest and we had it with a green salad and some new potatoes.  Yum!"

"Ahhh... oh!  Aha!  A tart?!  You had pastry!"

"Well, yes.  Otherwise it would just have been a lump of spinach, eggs and nuts bound up with a sprinkling of cheese."

"Cheese?  Nuts?!  Those have calories in, you know!  And oil! Fat!"

"No shit."

I encountered a similar vein when I first started hanging out around a particular vegan forum. When you've eliminated meat, dairy, and most animal products; the reliance on vegatable oils and fatty nuts/seeds/and fruits gets upped a little bit. But there were some who were all about telling everyone how fattening their guacamole was, or how they shouldn't consume olive oil. As if ALL fat is bad and like veganism is about overall health more than trying to look emaciated.

There was even a thread where the discussion centered around how "fat vegans" shouldn't tell people they are vegan because it gives the wrong impression. You know, because fat= eating processed soy replacement products and junk food. It was, pardon my french, fucking ridiculous.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2013, 03:09:25 pm by dionysiandame »
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