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Author Topic: Health: Having Self- Esteem While Fat  (Read 11601 times)

Asch

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #15 on: January 02, 2012, 11:32:08 am »
Quote from: HeartShadow;37218

Oh Thyroid my love why must we fight?

I too have hypothyroidism. For the last few months I've been a steady 185 and 5' 5 3/4".

During those months I was diagnosed, had my meds adjusted to what my doc told me was the right level - nevermind that it wasn't the right level for a healthy person with a properly functioning thyroid but rather a healthy person on the meds, yes apparently one =/= the other. Then my GI Bill benefits changed drastically reducing my income and the job I managed to get simply didn't make up the difference and I was still having to pay $110 just to have some kind of coverage. Needless to say I dropped my insurance and have been rationing my meds since then. Recently I got a fantastic job with amazon including coverage but have had to wait for the coverage to kick in. Anyway long story short, there are days where I don't have the energy for anything but work - and I now work at home - where I finish my last call, log off walk the six feet to my bed and sleep until 0500 the next day when I have to get up to start my next shift at 0600. Other days I can work a shift do two hours of overtime and make dinner and be extremely tired but functional afterwards. It's a miserable rollercoaster.

I do find it obnoxious and interesting that throughout rationing my medication and the holidays (with all the extra opportunities for tasty indulgence that accompany it) my weight has stayed at 185.

In the next few months I'll resume my medication via my new doctor/network, I also hope to get my car fixed so I can start going to the gym again because I like that post-workout glow and the gently sore muscles that go with it.

But as to my weight? Eff it. Apparently 185 is what my body likes so it's going to stay there until/if I take drastic measures which I am not interested in and can't afford anyway. So screw it. This is me.

EDIT:

I'm also trying to finish my degree, take care of a house built in the 1940s and make sure my chronically ill Dad eats something aside from Cup'O'Noodles and leaves the house every couple days. IDK how anyone maintains the insane weight ideals of society aside from a personal chef and trainer but I know that achieving that kind of thing would take a great deal more time, energy, and MONEY than I have now and am likely to ever have.
« Last Edit: January 02, 2012, 04:40:50 pm by SunflowerP »

Catherine

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #16 on: January 02, 2012, 11:34:41 am »
Quote from: HeartShadow;37218

Fatophobia obviously hurts bigger people more, but the unhealthy self-image thing hurts EVERYONE.


It's true, and EVERYONE is a target.

I saw an add last night where one of the pre-diet pictures of a woman looked completely average, to me! She looked just like most of the women I see every day. Yet, she needed to lose weight?

Sorry, I can't remember what diet plan it was for. There were too many to keep track of.

Catherine

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #17 on: January 02, 2012, 11:46:01 am »
Quote from: Asch;37219
Oh Thyroid my love why must we fight?


Sometimes, I'm almost glad mine is gone. From the stories I hear from other people, it seems easier to keep it all under control without one. At least I don't have to deal with random ups and downs that some people do. Although, if I couldn't get my meds, I'd be in huge trouble. Like death, trouble so...

It sucks that you have to ration your meds, though. That must be wreaking havoc on your system.
 
Quote
But as to my weight? Eff it. Apparently 185 is what my body likes so it's going to stay there until/if I take drastic measures which I am not interested in and can't afford anyway. So screw it. This is me.


Yeah, I regret my drastic measures for many reasons. the biggest regret is that when I started the speed pills, I also started smoking again. So here I am trying my damnedest to quite... again.

But, I'd rather be fat than have lung cancer.

SunflowerP

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #18 on: January 02, 2012, 05:28:34 pm »
Quote from: Catherine;37217
Which is one of the reasons I wanted to resurrect this thread. I thought it might be a good place to vent our frustrations about the kind of pressure there is to lose weight. Especial post holidays when you see so many more diet adds and such, it can be really hard to feel good about yourself. I also wanted people who may not have been on the old board to have access to the links in the old thread. There's a lot of really good information there. I know it's helped me quite a bit.

 
I was delighted to see that you had!  And really happy about all the people who stepped up in that little kerfuffle, though not so happy that it happened in the first place.  There is no legitimate reason why any of us should have to provide our weight numbers to someone demanding them; as Darkhawk said, it's nosy and intrusive, and moreover, there's really no possible purpose (online; from random person who, even if they're a health-care professional is not our care provider of choice; with none of the many, many other health markers which are also None Of Their Damn Beeswax; etc, etc) to demanding them other than concern-trolling, fat-shaming, and generally participating in Moral Panic.

I do think there's a lot to be said for voluntarily sharing them - while it can have the effect of causing those of us still struggling with internalized fat-shaming to think, "Well, at least I'm not as fat as that person," or, "Oh, no, I'm the fattest one here!", it can also help us to feel less alone at whatever size, and to normalize the diversity of weights.  But no one should feel they have to; it's your personal information, to share or not as you prefer.

To which end - last June I got tempted by a scale and my felid curiosity.  I haven't been on one in years, and was surprised and bemused (but, gratifyingly, unperturbed - all this Fat Acceptance reading pays off!) to learn that I was not still around 230, but was at 290.  (I know where the addition is, too:  pants and skirts I've worn for years still fit, but middle age and the menopausal process are causing me to change from a pear to an apple.)  That's at 5'11", so I'm no longer a "tall in-betweenie" (as I think I described myself on the archive thread)... though I still have more trouble with finding clothes to accommodate the length of my legs than the width of my tushie.

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #19 on: January 02, 2012, 05:33:27 pm »
Quote from: Asch;37219
IDK how anyone maintains the insane weight ideals of society aside from a personal chef and trainer but I know that achieving that kind of thing would take a great deal more time, energy, and MONEY than I have now and am likely to ever have.

 
Thinness is (among other socially-unjust stuff that intersects with sex/gender, race, age, dis/ability, and probably other axes that aren't coming immediately to mind) a class marker.

Sunflower
I'm the AntiFa genderqueer commie eclectic wiccan Mod your alt-right bros warned you about.
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“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” - Oscar Wilde
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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #20 on: January 02, 2012, 05:35:02 pm »
Quote from: Catherine;37035


 
On topic, I thought this blog post deserved an echo here:

http://fatheffalump.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/2012-the-year-of-living-fatly/
as the water grinds the stone
we rise and fall
as our ashes turn to dust
we shine like stars    - Covenant, "Bullet"

SunflowerP

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #21 on: January 02, 2012, 05:37:51 pm »
Quote from: Inca;37110
And health in all sorts of ways - physical and emotional, in a life that works. Being fundamentalist about your physical health at the cost of emotional well-being (for example by denying yourself all sorts of pleasures because they may in some respect be unhealthy, also thinking of orthorexia here) still isn't the final goal.

(That said - I won't judge others. The choices you make are your own, and I won't judge wether it's wrong. Everybody has the right to decide for themselves, which includes the right to do things differently than I would, and to make mistakes or do unhealthy or dangerous things - as long as it doesn't put non-consenting others into danger or hurts them.)

 
QFT!!!  (That's "quoted for truth", for those wondering.)

Nothing to add; you summed it up well.

Sunflower
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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #22 on: January 02, 2012, 05:49:18 pm »
Quote from: Darkhawk;37274
On topic, I thought this blog post deserved an echo here:

http://fatheffalump.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/2012-the-year-of-living-fatly/

 
Oh, that's wonderful!  Kath is one of my fave FA bloggers (though I've been out of touch with the Fatosphere since The Great Upgrade - too many things to catch up on, and I've let catching up on FA slide).

I'm fatting at you all, right now!

Sunflower
I'm the AntiFa genderqueer commie eclectic wiccan Mod your alt-right bros warned you about.
I do so have a life; I just live part of it online!
“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” - Oscar Wilde
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Shadow

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #23 on: January 02, 2012, 06:13:48 pm »
Quote from: Catherine;37035

Anyway, I just wanted to revive this topic because I thought it might be useful here.

 
I think I love you a little bit right now :) I am 5'6 and 200lbs. Every single year I make the same NY resolution to lose weight and, whilst it starts out well, I end the year the same weight as I started it (give or take a few pounds). This year, as I was sat thinking about NY goals (I am not making any more resolutions!) I logged on and read your post. And I decided this was the year I would learn to be happy with myself exactly as I am.

I have decided to eat healthily and cut down on takeaways and junk food, but I am staying off the scales. No more weight-watchers, no more weighing out food, just good conscious, healthy choices. :D:

SunflowerP

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #24 on: January 02, 2012, 06:15:07 pm »
Quote from: HeartShadow;37109
I'd like to point out something - "morbidly obese" in and of itself screams "bad fat!  bad fat!".  It SOUNDS nasty.  Morbid.  ugh.

 
The "morbid" part is obnoxious - all death-threat-y, and not even accurate, since fat in and of itself doesn't kill people.  But I dislike "obese" even more - I especially dislike it when people try to pretend it's a euphemism, a "nicer" word than fat.

No, it fucking isn't.  Fat is a descriptive word, like tall or short or thin; people have loaded a metric shit-ton of baggage on it (as they have with other descriptive words), so they use it as a code word for a lot of other derogatory things, but that's not what it means.

Obese, OTOH, is always disapproving in tone.  Its very sound lends itself to disparagement; it rhymes with "grease", and is so easy to draw out in a mocking way:  obeeeeeeeeessssssse.  You can hiss it at someone.

(Because I am a geek like that, I looked up etymology - fat does have a long history of being used with judgemental overtones, but it and its root words are about evenly split between positive, negative, and neutral.  Obesity's roots are all about too much.)

I fat at those hissing mockers!

Sunflower
I'm the AntiFa genderqueer commie eclectic wiccan Mod your alt-right bros warned you about.
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BunnyMaz

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #25 on: January 02, 2012, 07:18:22 pm »
Quote from: SunflowerP;37284


I am SO GLAD this thread has been brought back!  I go through cycles of being okay with myself and not, and I'm trying to get to a point where I am generally "okay".  I've never been thin, but I was a lot smaller as a teen.  I gained more weight than I started with after every diet I was put on, then had to go on a different birth control and gained more weight (which I am still on now), then had some severe periods of my anxiety and/or depression (never got a proper diagnosis) issues with the marvellous meds side effects of yep, even more weight gain!

I'm currently in a bit of a bad cycle.  I'm off the meds because they made me mentally worse and had bad side effects.  I'm not getting counselling because the options for someone on a low income are small and the last time I tried CBT it made me so much worse I lost my job.  I'm not actually well mentally though, and leaving the house can be a bit of an adventure.  I have back pain from a cheap, ancient bed (I know because I go to bed pain-free and wake up in pain) and CANNOT afford to replace it.  I cook healthy food - all from scratch, loads of veg, leafy greens, seasonal produce... but my weight is higher than it's ever been before.  

I'd be more okay with it if my mum hadn't got my best friend to give me a concerned "talk".  Not about the mental health issues.  Not about losing my job and falling into a terrible hermitty rut.  Not about the fact that my issues sometimes get so bad that basic housework is more than I can manage and my house gets worse until it is so messy it feels insurmountable and I can't even motivate myself to start fixing it.  About being fat.  Which... you know, my self esteem had been on the start of a small upswing before that.  And with the self-esteem increase had come an increase in activity.  I'd started swimming.  In the sea.  In public.

Now, personal-health wise I come from peasant stock.  I feel my best and tend to be somewhat smaller in size when I am engaging in lots of physical activity, regardless of what is going in me.  The problem is my mental health issues combined with back pain are making it harder for me to motivate myself to move my body.  I know once I get started I enjoy it, but I get so embarrassed if people see me out of breath in public, even my other half, even when that breathlessness is the result of a bracing speedwalk along a shingle beach during high winds.  And that is on top of the anxiety of being outside around people in the first place.  Assuming I've managed to do enough housework to ensure I have a reasonably clean set of clothes to leave the house in.

So yeah, I'm fat.  And I have health problems.  The fat though, is a symptom of the problems - a side effect of them.  Not the cause.  Trying to cure what's wrong with me by curing the fat is like a silver-haired septuagenarian dying their hair brown and thinking it will make their osteoarthritis disappear.

I think what I need is a group of similarly fat people - a SMALL group - I can get together with for mutual fat exercise and activity.  Or a personal olympic-sized swimming pool I can just stay in all day, because I would totally get gills and live in the water given the chance.

Catherine

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #26 on: January 03, 2012, 07:09:54 am »
Quote from: SunflowerP;37272
I was delighted to see that you had!  And really happy about all the people who stepped up in that little kerfuffle, though not so happy that it happened in the first place.  There is no legitimate reason why any of us should have to provide our weight numbers to someone demanding them; as Darkhawk said, it's nosy and intrusive, and moreover, there's really no possible purpose (online; from random person who, even if they're a health-care professional is not our care provider of choice; with none of the many, many other health markers which are also None Of Their Damn Beeswax; etc, etc) to demanding them other than concern-trolling, fat-shaming, and generally participating in Moral Panic.


I agree. It's really no one's business. Now I'm asking myself why I answered the question.

I guess it was because I was trying to point out that it's not about what size you are or how you got there, and it's not about being the health police. It's about having a positive self image. The pressure to lose weight, be thin, be thinner, hits us all in one way or another. Hating or blaming yourself isn't going to help in any situation.

In my case, it lead to me jumping through all sorts of strange weight loss hoops. Like taking speed to lose weight. I've never done something like that before in my whole life! Even when I was working with women who ate diet pills like candy, I never even considered it. I honestly don't know what I was thinking. I just felt so guilty for the weight gain, I was willing to try almost anything.

In the end, taking those kinds of measures just chipped away at my self esteem even more. Where's the good in that?

Tana

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #27 on: January 03, 2012, 10:02:57 am »
Quote from: Catherine;37318

Where's the good in that?


Well, to be sarcastic: you spent money for the poor pharma companies. [/sarcasm]
It's all about money.

These notions are so strong - all over our life, our surroundings.
I knew about the bad effect diets have, I knew that it's no good - still I fell into the trap head first. Which 'helped' me gain a lot more weight. *grrr*

A few years ago I said: No more diets EVAAR!
Luckily I managed to take up training again, thanks to the new job (a matter of working schedule and location) and I am going to the gym because I feel better.
I haven't lost anything since I started, but I feel the muscles building up under the fat and that feels good.

I will not be a hypocrite, I wouldn't mind to lose some weight.
But I am not making it number one priority anymore. Instead I focus on the change in the way we cook and on the physical training, because both are good just for themselves, not as a tool.

And if the wish-for-a-new-weight fairy came along, I don't think I would ask her for the weight I had with 20, I really don't mind having more, I like some of my curves a lot ;) - I just want to feel better and fitter. But I'm not going for unrealistic goals that would call for living as a permanently starving ascetic for the rest of my life - no way.
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That’s what people never really understood.….Things had to balance.
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Inca

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #28 on: January 03, 2012, 12:05:27 pm »
Quote from: Tana;37324
Well, to be sarcastic: you spent money for the poor pharma companies. [/sarcasm]
It's all about money.

 
As much as I share your sarcasm and as much as I distrust the pharma-companies, I don't think that's all of it.  I recently saw a documentary* which portrayed some behavior stemming in baboons stemming from emotional stress. The ones high up in the dominance chain bully someone, then they bully someone weaker to relieve their stress and so on.

And I think it explains quite a lot of human behavior, unfortunately. Especially on the individual level. (Money of course is a way to keep score of ones position in the hierarchy and to put others down, so it is at least part of it.)

* http://www.pbs.org/programs/killer-stress/

Ataegina

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Re: Having Self- Esteem While Fat
« Reply #29 on: January 03, 2012, 12:39:55 pm »
Quote from: HeartShadow;37218
What really kills me is the constant attitude that ANY body-squish is bad.

I'm not fat by any reasonable standard - not even the dreaded BMI thing.  And yet - I routinely have to work with NOT seeing myself as a fat person.  Because I'm not a stick figure.  Because I eat when I'm hungry and I tend to snack on chocolate as well as cheese.  Because my body will NEVER be the same post-kid as it was pre-kid without very expensive surgery.

I have a hard time even taking care of my body because of the messages that I get from the outside world - it's very tempting to go "I'm just fat, go away" when it comes to things like exercise.  Which is REALLY unhealthy.

Fatophobia obviously hurts bigger people more, but the unhealthy self-image thing hurts EVERYONE.

 

This. This. This!

I tend to feel exactly the same way. I have to fight the constant tendency to not get depressed for not having a model type body. Even though no one would ever say I'm fat I can't seem to be able to just be OK with how I look. And then I start using the way I feel to not be healthy. Those "why should I care about working out or eating right if I'll never be *that* thin anyways" kind of thoughts can be very self destructing.

Meanwhile, I've struggled with undiagnosed food disorders for most of my adolescent years. I binged, I induced vomit and I starved myself so I could look good.
Then in my early 20's I've managed to finally let go of most of that control and start eating normally. But I still go on "diets" every now and then.

I've just recently started to try and get a grip, telling myself that it's OK to be me. And I just know that it's gonna take a lifetime to actually believe it.

This all even though I have a loving boyfriend (that likes me just like I am), friends that NEVER ever judged me by the way I look and parents that never insinuated that I was fat, even when I actually was (when I was 12 I was overweight and they never made me feel like it).

So, yes I do get that having a healthy lifestyle is VERY important but it's because it's good for your health...it has nothing to do with the way you're supposed to look.

Now I just need to start believing it as well.

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