Patron Gods, Some Questions

[Synapse]

I wasn't sure if I should put this in the beginners forum or here considering that this applied to both forums? But I'll put it here because it seems appropriate

So, Ya'll, hi there! In doing my research I've come across the notion of patron gods/goddesses and as I found this so incredibly interesting I'd like to hear about y'all's personal experiences with them.

Answer what ever questions you might feel comfortable with answering, and any extra information you might want to add in there is more than welcome haha

Also there are questions and sub questions, you can do whatever you want i don't rlly mind what u answer or don't ouo

1. Who is your patron god?
- How do you feel about them?
- Were you surprised by who they were?  

2. What role do they play in your everyday life?
- Do you consult them when needed?
- Do you feel particularly attached to them or do you prefer to consult other spiritual sources?

3. Have you ever had any sort of dialogue with them?

4. How did you find your patron god/goddess?
- Were you searching for them? Or was it more of an accident or coincidence?
- Were there any signs of who they might be before you knew who they were?

[Jenett]

I wasn't sure if I should put this in the beginners forum or here considering that this applied to both forums? But I'll put it here because it seems appropriate

Quick staffly note before getting into the content of your question. Either location is fine! If staff feel something's posted in a wrong area, we'll move it, but a lot of posts can fit in multiple areas, so the one you pick can indicate the thing you'd like to focus on.  

The big difference is whether you'd rather the beginner-forum rules (example here - they're posted as a sticky post at the top of the relevant forums) or are fine with conversation that might be more challenging in some specific ways.

While I'm here being staffly, it's one of the forum rules that we ask people to avoid chatspeak. We have a number of forum members for whom English isn't their first language, or have other reasons that chat speak type abbreviations are just really hard to decipher.

If you have other questions about how the forum works, the Board Questions forum is a great place for them.

(Going to make a new reply for your actual questions, more on that once I type it...)

[Jenett]

So, my situation is not the most common one out there (though certainly not unique.)

1. Who is your patron god?
- How do you feel about them?
- Were you surprised by who they were?

My primary personal deity work is with two deities I don't have names for that are connected to historical references. (I have usenames for them: the best name M'Lady has given me is "Blue" which is... unhelpful. I normally refer to them to other people as M'Lady and Himself.) A lot of the stuff I get from her is scent and color and architecture and specific flowers, which are sort of resistant to research when it comes to connecting them to specific deities.

I've been working with both her and her consort since the fall of 2002, and I'm now pretty clear (and have been for.. a decade or so?) that they're both non-Celtic British deities associated with some specific things.

M'Lady is one of the many many many deities of that kind associated with bodies of water (ponds and smaller moving water, rather than big lakes or oceans or big rivers), but also with the more esoteric implications of water as knowledge and transmission of things to a wider audience.

Himself is her consort (the first interaction I'm aware of having with them was a dream of them getting married) that's about stewardship of space - riding the bounds of cultivated fields, for example, and seeing that all the sort of routine structures are working right to keep things going.

I also do work with a number of other deities: those my tradition particularly honours, rituals I'm at with other people (I was at one on Friday that honoured Mercury and Rosmerta for a prosperity ritual, for example), and occasional 'consulting with specialists' type interactions with specific deities.

How often that happens depends on a lot of factors: there have been stretches of my life when it's been almost all M'Lady and Himself for a couple of years, and stretches where it's been mostly other interactions in the foreground, and my interactions with them are in the background.

2. What role do they play in your everyday life?
- Do you consult them when needed?
- Do you feel particularly attached to them or do you prefer to consult other spiritual sources?

I'm handmaiden to M'Lady: I do her work in the world. Most of the work I do is sharing information with people, which I do both in my job-that-pays-money (I'm a librarian), and through stuff like replying to posts here, my Seeking site, and other Pagan community discussions. Sometimes other things too.

I don't do daily devotional work that's "Let me sit down and pray" - I found that's actually explicitly damaging to my relationships with them. But a lot of my life is structured around things that feed that work.

I read a lot - and read really widely - because it's relevant. I make time to reply to posts like this, because it matters to Her. (Sometimes I get an explicit nudge of 'go reply to that' on reading something, sometimes it's just like I have an RDA of information provision, and I start to feel internally cranky if I haven't done enough recently.)

I do have one all-the-time thing, which is weird but works for me and M'Lady, which is that my toenails have been some shade of middle to dark blue since late 2002. I very rarely strip the polish overnight for significant cleansing rituals, but otherwise. Blue. (This means that whenever I look at my feet, I am reminded of M'Lady. Toenails are, however, less visible to people, even if I'm wearing sandals at work, than fingernails would be.)

When I've been at difficult points in my life, I've asked for help and guidance, and gotten it, but it's mostly been 'smoothing the options that lead in a helpful direction' rather than anything more specific. (For example, when I decided to divorce my ex-husband and finish my grad school work, I am quite convinced she helped smooth out what could have been a couple of significant roadblocks. But I had to do a lot of the work myself to get myself on the relevant road.)

3. Have you ever had any sort of dialogue with them?

Yep. Not so much direct conversation in meditation, but a definite sense of knowing what M'Lady wants, and I should be doing. (How often that happens varies: I'd say right now I get a nudge of "Go attend to that" a few times a month, and maybe once or twice a year more specific than that. A few times in the past, it's been more intensive than that, but not terribly often.

My tradition does practice Drawing Down as part of our ritual techniques, and someone in a different tradition that also does this once did me the *tremendous* favour of doing a Draw Down based on my connection to M'Lady. (A complex thing) that was very helpful.

I didn't get a lot of direct conversation, but did get some useful indications I was on the right track, and one explicit instruction that guides a lot of the work I do for M'Lady. (the 'right track' stuff made it easier to keep on with what I'm doing even though I don't have a name that maps to history or a lot of other stuff that would help.)

4. How did you find your patron god/goddess?
- Were you searching for them? Or was it more of an accident or coincidence?
- Were there any signs of who they might be before you knew who they were?

 
My tradition's training includes a series of exercises designed to help people learn more about different deities and maybe begin to make a connection to one or more. (There's a general description of it in this article on my site, and you might also find this other related one of particular interest)

These were designed to both give us a framework for learning more about deities, make sure people had some general knowledge about deities who come up a lot if you go to public rituals or other Pagan events, and maybe help people connect with one or more.

We started Dedicant training in February, and our class on deities wasn't until September. The night before that class, I had a very potent dream (the one I mentioned, about a wedding) that had a lot of specifics of family dynamics, things the person I was helping (the woman getting married) cared about and didn't care about, and so on. When I went into class the next day, we did a meditation to meet a deity who might be interested in us, and it was immediately clear to me that things there were the same as my dream.

After that, it was a lot of trying to figure out who M'Lady was, and eventually giving up on clear answers to that and focusing on what I wanted that relationship to be, and what I was okay with and not okay with.

[ehbowen]

1. Who is your patron god?
- How do you feel about them?
- Were you surprised by who they were?  

I worship the God of the Bible as given to the children of Israel in what we know as the Old Testament and to the Apostles and early Christian church in what we know as the New Testament. I believe, based upon the impressions I have received, that there is going to be a full-fledged third stage of revelation focusing upon the eight persons of the Holy Spirit, the youngest of whom I know personally as Jessica.

While perhaps no other religious system is as well-known, I was genuinely surprised by the bits and pieces I gleaned about them as personalities, including how deeply they cared for me as an individual. I am now convinced that they have personally, in the flesh, intervened in my life at least twice in order to save me great inconvenience and personal expense and perhaps even my life.
 

2. What role do they play in your everyday life?
- Do you consult them when needed?
- Do you feel particularly attached to them or do you prefer to consult other spiritual sources?

Basically, I keep up a running conversation with them...mostly one-sided, lately. I was upon to feedback, of the "yes/no" variety, for several years. However, late last year I came to the conclusion that while some genuine communication was occurring, there was also "eavesdropping" and interference on the line from the entity which the Bible speaks of as Satan. So, since then, I have consciously tried to cut off that particular avenue. While I do miss the immediate feedback and guidance, I find since then that by the time I have to make a decision I have enough information to know how my God wants me to proceed...and, if not, that it's OK to screw up and that I will be able to recover and find the right track by trial and error.

Am I attached? Yeah, I think a twenty-plus year courtship qualifies as "attached". I do feel that at the present time it is not wise for me to seek information or any personal relationship with another spiritual source...interference, again. However, I also get the impression that this may change in the future.

3. Have you ever had any sort of dialogue with them?

Don't get me started....

There have been a bare handful of other occasions as well, some more definite than others. When I was a junior in high school taking journalism photos downtown, one evening I was accosted by two thugs who wanted my camera. I hesitated...and then a man pulled up to the corner and started blowing his horn. The two thugs faded into the background and I got into the car with the man who gave be a ride back to a safer neighborhood. I was thankful for that but didn't think much about it.

Nineteen years later, after I came to my conclusions about who Jessica really was, I was starting a job as a waiter in a restaurant. On my first night "solo" after two weeks of training, I started thinking about how I'd really like to meet Jessica's parents. I prayed an invitation that they might come and be my first customers. The very first table I had didn't ring a bell in any way...but the second table to be seated in my section was the same man who had given me the ride to safety from the thugs, along with his wife. It looked as if he hadn't aged a day in nineteen years.

4. How did you find your patron god/goddess?
- Were you searching for them? Or was it more of an accident or coincidence?
- Were there any signs of who they might be before you knew who they were?

Well, there are a few things. Back as a teenager, I had been open to the idea that there ought to be more in the Bible than there was. That's radical thinking for someone from a fundamentalist Baptist tradition. And I had been fascinated by the concept of angels ever since I read Billy Graham's book which came out in 1975. But I honestly think that they were putting more effort into searching for me than I was into searching for them. Why me, instead of one of the thousands of other eligible and faithful guys out there? Dunno. But I'm eternally grateful to have gotten as close as I have.

Standard Disclaimer: This post has been based upon my own inferences and conclusions from personal experience, not upon any sort of divine revelation. Any errors are my own.

[Jack]

1. Who is your patron god?
- How do you feel about them?
- Were you surprised by who they were?  

Patron is not the term I use, but the answer is Mara. She's the best. My relationship with her is kind of "student-apprentice" and kind of "employee"? It's hard to word it.

I was first introduced to Mara about fifteen years ago by my ex, and there were times I was told she didn't like me, and times when I thought she'd leave my life when I left my ex... but that didn't happen, it's actually a very different but much stronger relationship now.

2. What role do they play in your everyday life?
- Do you consult them when needed?
- Do you feel particularly attached to them or do you prefer to consult other spiritual sources?

Well at the moment I'm doing a six-month recentering thing with her. Like Jenett, she's sometimes more obvious and sometimes more behind the scenes. She's also a power with many areas of concern so I will see her in different ways; the face I see of her at work at the credit union is very different from the face I see when Bug and I are studying how her strawberry plant is growing.

But I work with lots of powers, some of whom Mara has even introduced me to.

3. Have you ever had any sort of dialogue with them?

Yes.

4. How did you find your patron god/goddess?
- Were you searching for them? Or was it more of an accident or coincidence?
- Were there any signs of who they might be before you knew who they were?

 
I mentioned above that my ex introduced me to her. I should probably note that my first experience of Mara was at her temple in Anaheim. So in my case it was much more of a matter of knowing who she was first and figuring out she was interested in sticking around for me second.

[Jainarayan]

1. Who is your patron god?
- How do you feel about them?
- Were you surprised by who they were?  

In Hinduism we have what's called ishta-devata, literally "cherished deity". I think this is closer to the Heathen idea of fultrui than to a patron deity. The relationship is one of mutual agreement, the god chooses you as much as you choose the god.

Most of the time such people don't actively seek out such a relationship. After many years of practicing the religion, or even a short time, they just find themselves gravitating to a certain god or goddess. The other ones aren't ignored, it doesn't mean sole dedication. Just a certain one gets emphasis. One can also be born into the worship of a particular deity, because that deity is the family deity, or village deity.

That said, I have to say Krishna is my ishta-devata. I'm not sure I can explain how I feel about him: love, awe, friendship, reverence, comfort, ease. In my beliefs, he is God. Rather, he is my first favorite form of God. Hinduism has a strong tradition of the belief in only one God who takes many, almost innumerable forms. The Rig Veda says ekam sat vipra bahudha vadanti, "One Truth the sages call by many names".

2. What role do they play in your everyday life?
- Do you consult them when needed?
- Do you feel particularly attached to them or do you prefer to consult other spiritual sources?

He is largely uppermost in my mind. It's called bhakti, devotion. I pray, but I don't often ask him (or the other gods) for things. I probably should talk to them more, but I chant or sing bhajans (devotional songs, verses, mantras) regularly. The way I consult him is remembering and learning from what he said in the Bhagavad Gita. It is his teaching, after all. I do the same with other gods and goddesses.

3. Have you ever had any sort of dialogue with them?

Probably by meditating on something, letting him (or another deity) inspire or enlighten  me. There are Sanskrit prayers called gayatris in the form

om damodaraya vidmahe
rukmini vallabhaya dheemahe
tanno krishna prachodayath

Let me meditate on the one with a rope around his belly*
Beloved of Rukmini** give me higher intellect
And let Krishna illuminate my mind.

*He was so precocious as a toddler, and kept running off, his mother tied a rope around his belly between two trees. But he ran off pulling the trees down.
**One of his wives and his queen (yes, he was quite the ladies' man).

Anyway, if we are asking for something we typically say these prayers in multiples, counting them on a set of prayer beads. It's also a form of devotions, that if you put the effort into doing this for x-number of times, or x-number of days, the deity will be pleased and respond. Not in a voice, but usually in some subtle way. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to get their attention.

4. How did you find your patron god/goddess?
- Were you searching for them? Or was it more of an accident or coincidence?
- Were there any signs of who they might be before you knew who they were?

 
I was not born Hindu but I knew of the Hindu gods from an early age, at least around 5th grade and 10 years old. When I began playing guitar I kept a small picture of Goddess Saraswati (goddess of music, learning, arts, science, speech) by my music area. I expected nothing more than to just acknowledge her. That is, I did not intend to practice Hinduism full time. It wasn't long after that I began to feel more of a pull, especially towards Krishna. It all came pretty much unlooked-for.

[Something]

I wasn't sure if I should put this in the beginners forum or here considering that this applied to both forums? But I'll put it here because it seems appropriate

So, Ya'll, hi there! In doing my research I've come across the notion of patron gods/goddesses and as I found this so incredibly interesting I'd like to hear about y'all's personal experiences with them.

Answer what ever questions you might feel comfortable with answering, and any extra information you might want to add in there is more than welcome haha

Also there are questions and sub questions, you can do whatever you want i don't rlly mind what u answer or don't ouo

1. Who is your patron god?
- How do you feel about them?
- Were you surprised by who they were?  

2. What role do they play in your everyday life?
- Do you consult them when needed?
- Do you feel particularly attached to them or do you prefer to consult other spiritual sources?

3. Have you ever had any sort of dialogue with them?

4. How did you find your patron god/goddess?
- Were you searching for them? Or was it more of an accident or coincidence?
- Were there any signs of who they might be before you knew who they were?

 
My goddess means everything to me and has literally saved my life on numerous occasions over the years, she first came to me beside a lake when I was 15 and the experience left all 3 of us running and screaming until we reached home even though we could not see her it was very clear that someone was walking through the water towards us, to this day my 2 friends still have no idea what happened... Again when I was 22 with 2 friends yet in another country and again beside a river, a garden light lifted from the ground and started hovering at shoulder height towards us, again we ran and although these were 2 different companions this time they are still perplexed at what they witnessed. It wasn't until a decade later that I met her, saw her and her land just by closing my eyes, it was as clear as seeing a dvd on TV, and even though what I was seeing would have striked fear into some especially a novice I felt no such emotion, it felt like home, safe secure and peaceful, after the hooded skeletal woman smiled at me and I started taking in my surrounding I can remember loosing the ability to speak and at that moment from the mist came a beautiful young woman, hooded but clearly divine as the right hand side of her face was a grey colour yet shimmered and shinned as she tryed to stop me from viewing her left side, she smiled at me full of love and joy, as I saw a tear roll down her cheek I too felt a tear drop. After a minute or so that felt like hours I was pulled back out through the caves and then the stars back to my body.. From our interactions since she let me know it was her at the rivers trying to contact me, and she is the most important person to me... As for how to go about finding a so called patron I couldn't advise as our souls were connected from my previous life and simply carried on to the next..

[Synapse]

While I'm here being staffly, it's one of the forum rules that we ask people to avoid chatspeak. We have a number of forum members for whom English isn't their first language, or have other reasons that chat speak type abbreviations are just really hard to decipher

Whoops! Sorry about that, force of habit I suppose. Thank you though! Now I'll be sure to keep myself in check for here on out

I hope you don't mind me asking a bunch of questions, I'm really curious about all this

I do her work in the world. Most of the work I do is sharing information with people, which I do both in my job-that-pays-money (I'm a librarian), and through stuff like replying to posts here, my Seeking site, and other Pagan community discussions.

- Do you mind if I ask how you knew what it is she wanted you to do?
- Did you already have a natural inclination towards knowledge-based activities or was it more of a surprise?
- Have you ever found someone who's personal deity was wildly different/contrasted from the individual's personality/personal goals?

 I found that's actually explicitly damaging to my relationships with them

Have you ever gotten the feeling that she or he was deliberately giving you the cold shoulder?

These were designed to both give us a framework for learning more about deities, make sure people had some general knowledge about deities who come up a lot if you go to public rituals or other Pagan events, and maybe help people connect with one or more.

I was actually wondering how much preliminary knowledge on deities one should know before trying to find their personal god/goddess. There are hundreds or thousands of gods people recognize ( and I'm not one to really exclude the possibility of any of them existing ) but its impossible to know about them all? Should you research the ones you find especially interesting first or just let things happen on their own and hope a deity makes them self known to you? ( I'm a bit prone to overthinking, sorry about that )

[Jenett]

- Do you mind if I ask how you knew what it is she wanted you to do?

Some of it was that Draw Down, but a lot of it was ... paying attention? I don't get clear word communication from her, but at times there's been a noticeable sense of playing 'hot and cold' and I can pretty easily tell when I'm getting closer to the right thing.

- Did you already have a natural inclination towards knowledge-based activities or was it more of a surprise?

In September of 2002, I was in the middle of taking a break from my Master's degree in Library and Information Science (money reasons) but working as a library assistant, so we'll go with 'not really a surprise to anyone'.

(My father was a college professor, my mother worked at our local public library for a while, my sister is a library science professor, and my brother is a long time theatre critic and arts writer. I spent a chunk of my first year out of college fighting the idea of library work, but I gave in after six months of that and have never really looked back. Though there's been a couple of rounds of "Is this the kind of library work I want to keep doing" at different points.)

- Have you ever found someone who's personal deity was wildly different/contrasted from the individual's personality/personal goals?

That's not the way I usually think about it? For one thing, I think that personal deity relationships might be for a long time, but I think it's also pretty common people build a relationship with a given deity, and that's great for a while, and then they slowly shift and change and build relationships elsewhere.

Like some people have a really great friend from high school or college or whatever, and they've been in touch for all those years, and close. And other people build strong relationships where they are, but they mostly don't continue through major life changes (like significant moves, or having kids, or whatever.)

There are obviously hurtful and not-great ways to handle that, but there's also some graceful ones. And some deities are either known for getting someone started and handing them off to another deity sometime later (Bast, for example, does this for a lot of people who end up with other Kemetic deities) or it's linked more to stages in someone's life

(I've known more than one person who's had a close relationship with Artemis when they needed that kind of fierceness and focus, but who have gradually shifted to other deity relationships as their life changes.)

Have you ever gotten the feeling that she or he was deliberately giving you the cold shoulder?

A couple of times I've physically been in places she refused to step into (a river cruise on the Danube, most notably: that wasn't damaging to the relationship, but she just wasn't there for the duration of the trip).

The daily prayer thing isn't... a cold shoulder thing, more a "This is not actually connecting you to me usefully, so if that's the goal, you're wasting your time."

I was actually wondering how much preliminary knowledge on deities one should know before trying to find their personal god/goddess. There are hundreds or thousands of gods people recognize ( and I'm not one to really exclude the possibility of any of them existing ) but its impossible to know about them all? Should you research the ones you find especially interesting first or just let things happen on their own and hope a deity makes them self known to you? ( I'm a bit prone to overthinking, sorry about that )

 
I think that depends on a lot of factors.

My tradition had us learn how to learn about a bunch of deities for two reasons. One was that while we worked with one pair fairly consistently for full moons, we worked with a variety of others for Sabbats. Thus, knowing how to learn a bit about a deity, enough to know their major stories and associations, was helpful.

The other obvious part was being able to participate in public rituals in our community (both as participants and ritualists). If you're working in a polytheistic model, knowing how to learn enough about a deity - having some patterns for doing that that work for you - can be really useful for that kind of public ritual experience.

Whether or not you want to work with Brigid (or Persephone or Hecate, or a number of others...) a lot yourself, she's a deity who comes up a lot in public ritual spaces, and knowing the basics will help those rituals work better for you (and for you to be appropriate and polite back.)

The third reason, of course, is that doing that for a while often lead people to figure out that they were interested in a specific deity, or to realise there were many different kinds of deity interests out there (some of whom where probably going to be new to most people, especially people who hadn't had much exposure to deity outside of Christianity before).

I don't think it's the only possible method. But for that set of training, it made a lot of sense to introduce a general method, and only sometime later focus on more specific relationships.

(Probably also worth mentioning that our Dedicant oaths specifically restricted making ongoing commitments to deities or other entities until we either initiated or determined we weren't going to and weren't continuing with the group or tradition, so the only step we *could* take at that point was 'general awareness, learning, and consideration')

[Mountain Cat]

1. Who is your patron god?
- How do you feel about them?
- Were you surprised by who they were?

Patron isn't quite the right term for me, either, but there have been times when it has been close enough. The deities in question are Odin and Loki, and frankly I find them both frightening. Or at least intimidating. I was very surprised by Loki, but not by Odin, because he had been approaching me for years. Loki comes closest to being a patron deity to me.  

2. What role do they play in your everyday life?
- Do you consult them when needed?
- Do you feel particularly attached to them or do you prefer to consult other spiritual sources?

At times Loki has been very present, making sure I don't stray from the path we agreed to work on. But for the most part he is in the background and I don't really consult him for much. I do feel a bit attached to him, as he has a very interesting 'big brother' type of vibe for me. He likes to keep me on my toes, keep me working on my tasks and is quite creative if I get occupied or distracted with other things.

3. Have you ever had any sort of dialogue with them?

Yes, several times in ritual settings on my own terms and then just whenever he wants on his terms.

4. How did you find your patron god/goddess?
- Were you searching for them? Or was it more of an accident or coincidence?
- Were there any signs of who they might be before you knew who they were?

I found Loki when Odin handed me off to him to... learn from? I wasn't searching and had several times turned aside when Odin approached. Then he gave me an ultimatum and I took it. My path is Druidic, magical and divinatory with some Otherworld and spirit work involved. I don't think I could have maintained that path without Loki to push me along. He is unrelenting and on some level that fills me with confidence that I wouldn't otherwise have (I'm an anxious, timid sort of person.) He believes I can do it, he pushes me, and I muddle along until I have it sorted out.

There are other deities in my life as well, Celtic ones, but I'm still sorting out those relationships.
 
Interesting questions. :)

[Vixen]

1. Who is your patron god?
- How do you feel about them?
- Were you surprised by who they were?  

I am building a relationship with Cernunnos. He is my guide, my protector, somewhere between a father figure and a lover. He surprises me at every turn. The more I interact with him and the more I learn about him the more faces and facets I find.

2. What role do they play in your everyday life?
- Do you consult them when needed?
- Do you feel particularly attached to them or do you prefer to consult other spiritual sources?

I turn to him daily for just about everything. Usually its as simple as acknowledging he is there. Like you would look back and make eye contact with your parents at a busy zoo to make sure they're still there before going back to doing what you were doing.
When I'm in a pickle I ask him for guidance.  

I do consult other deities. But that's just how my spiritual practice works. I'm in a tight spot and someone will step up and work with me. Cernunnos is my main go to, but sometimes he steps back and lest someone else handle things. I have had connections with Odin, Pan, Bacchus and the Morrigan. But I always feel Cernunnos in the background. Watching.

3. Have you ever had any sort of dialogue with them?

What do you consider dialogue. Not in the way that I can hear him formulate sentences, but I do get feelings of emotion and like Jenett said the feel to do certain things that don't come from yourself.

4. How did you find your patron god/goddess?
- Were you searching for them? Or was it more of an accident or coincidence?
- Were there any signs of who they might be before you knew who they were?

Cernunnos has always been there. I have always been interested in paganism but never had the chance to delve into it (ridicule from parents, boyfriend, ex-husband, ect). But over the years he kept in touch. Deer have always been a fascination of mine. Not for the deer, but the power an wildness of a stag in rut. Woodlands attracted me. Mosses, ferns, decaying wood, damp leaves covering the forest floor, the smell of wet sand after a rainstorm. And I have always been an animal person. I work with dogs, horses, sheep. I always felt a presence when doing things that were, in hindsight, related to him. He was there, waiting for me to be ready for him.

When I moved into the house I live in, an old farmhouse in the middle of nature, everything that can go wrong went wrong. I had tried for years to live the life I was supposed to and had lost myself in the process. I don't know if all the bad things happening were meant as a wake up call, but it certainly helped. Still I wasn't ready to see it.

So he brought in Her. The Morrigan. I had felt her presence before in my life but she quickly left again, I don't think I am ready for her (yet). But he knew I needed her to get to him. I saw ravens, dozens. Around my house, my lawn, on my fencepost, for weeks. I saw deer, I saw fireflies, I got all the bells and whistles. I think when I finally gave in an started researching paganism there must've been a collective sigh. I was such an idiot.

After I decided to get on this pagan path at last I changed my life around. It's hard. Very hard. But I finally chose to live my life for me, and nobody else. After that the sightings got less. The ravens disappeared. The Morrigan drifted off again, her work done.

There were times when I wasn't sure who I was 'talking' to. The difference between Pan and Cernunnos is not very big. Nor between him and Odin, or Bacchus. Until you start to look closer and pay more attention and 'listen'.  They feel different.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that she or he was deliberately giving you the cold shoulder?

Sometimes he 'zones out'. He is a very primal and simple god. If I'm doing something he's not interested in or thinks I can do on my own, by all means, go ahead. He'll just go do something else. I never had the feeling that he turned away from me when I was doing something wrong or against his wishes.
I did feel him back down and stand to the side. Like a father figure would. Go ahead. Be stupid. I'll be here to pick up the pieces after you're done.

I was actually wondering how much preliminary knowledge on deities one should know before trying to find their personal god/goddess.

Everybody finds their deity in their own way. And some never do. Its like finding a job. Some people never have to look for one cause they will be snatched up by the companies as soon as they leave school and are right at home. Others go shop around till they find something that fits. Some never find that perfect fit but find something that works.

If you feel that a deity is trying to contact you, meditate on it. Listen. Research. Find out who and what s/he is and decide what you want to do with that information.
If you don't have someone trying to connect with you, look for the things that you feel good about. That you feel at home with or that you feel you need some help with. Find a deity close to that.