Family: Walking away

[umiwolf]

Last year I told my husband that I had beliefs which to him is a big deal. That day he was really angry at me. He acted like he'd lost his only friend and treated me like I was lesser then him. That day as been forever burned into my mind. He apologized the next day but I was still hurt... and still am.

I haven't brought up faith in awhile. Last time it was brought up he just kept pushing me to be like him (An extreme atheist). After that I placated him and still haven't mentioned it. My desires to be with my fellow pagans and to learn and grow are still very powerful so no matter what he wants me to be, I can't be...

The time that made me seriously start contemplating ending our marriage was when it came to the Holi festival. My friend (Also a pagan) wanted to go so I asked my husband to give us a ride because it was pretty far so he decided he'd just join us since it was quite a drive to get there anyway which I was fine with... But then he asks me why I didn't mention that he was tied to a religious thing. I honestly didn't even consider it. The Holi festival is to celebrate spring and for those who have never heard of this festival it's mostly throwing colored powder at each other and strangers, dancing to music and eating. A lot of people where I live have gone to it, it just fun! But he was more concerned that it had religious undertones because it was being held by the Krishna temple and is an Indian festival. I didn't think about it and didn't think it was even important but it was extremely important to him... then during the festival he did have fun up until they started talking about a divine force and so on and he just stopped enjoying himself... My friend and I both picked up on this...

After that my friend and I went to a pagan store/lounge to get a reading about my husband because it really concerned both her and I. Surprisingly the reader I wanted to see was there because I thought he didn't come in that certain day which made me very happy but the reading was not favorable in staying with my husband. I told me about many things he has done that have been kind of controlling, mostly related to me wanting to participate in the pagan community. My reader told me that the way he is now is only going to get worse and that if I stay I'll most likely be miserable. My friend was so kind she let me use half her session to ask what would happen if I did leave and as you might suspect he said I'd be happy because I'd be able to do the things I haven't been able to even though I would be lonely for awhile I'll find someone to fill the void.

Ever since that reading I have been trying to figure out how to leave. That is way I posted this because I feel like I need advice. I know of small steps I can take now like save up money and have essentials packed and secreted away or left at my parents (Who are aware of my unhappiness and are open to letting stay with them) but the actual subject... is something I don't know how to bring up. I've been interacting with him like normal so I worry he will be surprised when I bring up the topic because I have pretty much decided on this route.

I feel him and I are wanting different things from life which I will bring up when I bring this whole thing up and I need advice on how to bring it up and what to say. This hasn't been an easy decision for me since I've been with him for over 6 years but after realizing that he is pretty much denying me the basic human right of being able to believe what I want that it's not healthy. I'm guilty of hiding things from him... I'm scared to tell him things because of what happened the last time I opened myself up. He scares me and I hide. I know I shouldn't hide things from him and it's eating me up that I am. I just want to have my freedom but I don't know how to get it.

[Faemon]

Ever since that reading I have been trying to figure out how to leave. That is way I posted this because I feel like I need advice. I know of small steps I can take now like save up money and have essentials packed and secreted away or left at my parents (Who are aware of my unhappiness and are open to letting stay with them) but the actual subject... is something I don't know how to bring up. I've been interacting with him like normal so I worry he will be surprised when I bring up the topic because I have pretty much decided on this route.

You worry that he will be surprised or maybe hurt, while he clearly has a chip on his shoulder about religion and isn't worried at all that taking it out on you is draining your emotional stamina.

I am cheering on your leaving, however you will.

The thing is, I don't believe that you have to give him a chance to make amends or adjustments now that he would be aware that there are consequences to his behavior (that is, your leaving). If you have the confidence to lay out ultimatums to save whatever else in the relationship is worth saving, then that's great, but if you haven't even gathered together enough of that to speak up about it every time it becomes an issue--and even keeping quiet about it is draining--then never mind.

I guess that you can go "I feel X in this relationship wherein Y, so that's why I'm deciding to Z. I'm exhausted by pretending and we both deserve better."

When I left my family, it was under somewhat false pretenses. Alcoholic sister--pretend to be fine, slip in that I was going to take up an internship with my godmother... then on one of her visits I sat her down and just said that I was staying and not that she'd done anything wrong. The reaction was still "This is how you're breaking it to me??! I thought we were okay! You can't keep holding this over my head!" Some people are really just cocooned in their issues, and physical distance would hopefully help you to relinquish any emotional responsibilities that you can't fulfill by ever doing anything right. Religiously oppressive uncle--same thing, I just told them "I just think it's time I get out...and some opportunities have opened up" when really I was just going to continue freelance writing only a lot harder than before.

Obviously, you know your husband better than I ever could, personalities must be more complicated than simply "abusive/oppressive is abusive/oppressive", and I have zero experience with how different it would be leaving a spouse as opposed to birth family. Also, I did it...but I don't know if I did it right or if there's ever a right way one person can do it. It's a relationship, so it always depends on the other person's reaction how well it really goes.

Still, you've got it in you to make decisions and follow through with them, so whatever the details are implemented like word choice or organization of resources, however the cards fall--I can only offer morale support!

[umiwolf]

I have not been as assertive as I should have been. I tend to just go along with what others want because usually if isn't so bad but until this relationship I didn't realize how much I was just accepting. This all started when he'd make me feel bad for liking certain music and books. I kept quiet about it until I got tired of it and spoke up. He still teases me for some media I like but not shaming me like he used to. It still has been a conatant battle for me to open up about stuff I like because more often then not he doesn't like the stuff I share with him.
I keep thinking I should have dinner something about this before I took the marriage dive but I thought we'd be okay. Turns out not... We're approaching our 2nd year marriage anniversary in October so our hasn't even been that long. I'm shaved of myself for making the big decision to marry when I still had doubts about my happiness.

Because I have a hard time bringing up issues like this in general I have no idea how I'm going to bring it up

[SunflowerP]

 

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[mandrina]

I have not been as assertive as I should have been. I tend to just go along with what others want because usually if isn't so bad but until this relationship I didn't realize how much I was just accepting. This all started when he'd make me feel bad for liking certain music and books. I kept quiet about it until I got tired of it and spoke up. He still teases me for some media I like but not shaming me like he used to. It still has been a conatant battle for me to open up about stuff I like because more often then not he doesn't like the stuff I share with him.
I keep thinking I should have dinner something about this before I took the marriage dive but I thought we'd be okay. Turns out not... We're approaching our 2nd year marriage anniversary in October so our hasn't even been that long. I'm shaved of myself for making the big decision to marry when I still had doubts about my happiness.

Because I have a hard time bringing up issues like this in general I have no idea how I'm going to bring it up

Have you two been in any counseling?  I'd recommend it if you can manage it.  You've both invested 2 years of your lives in this, and it's worth making sure that you two can't make it work.

[umiwolf]

Have you two been in any counseling?  I'd recommend it if you can manage it.  You've both invested 2 years of your lives in this, and it's worth making sure that you two can't make it work.

I need to apologize for my weird writing I was falling asleep and my phone likes to write words I don't mean.

I haven't gone to counseling. He doesn't know how unhappy I am and I tend not to bring it up because I get physically sick when dealing in confrontation. I think it's abuse when someone makes you feel bad for wanting to be involved in things that make you happy. He has taken away my right to choose what religion I want to be. The fact that I want to be apart of any spiritually makes him upset.

Just a couple days ago he said that I was too happy about my work because to him it's mundane and doesn't warrant the kind of happiness I was exhibiting. Crap like that is an example of our relationship.

[Redfaery]

I need to apologize for my weird writing I was falling asleep and my phone likes to write words I don't mean.

I haven't gone to counseling. He doesn't know how unhappy I am and I tend not to bring it up because I get physically sick when dealing in confrontation. I think it's abuse when someone makes you feel bad for wanting to be involved in things that make you happy. He has taken away my right to choose what religion I want to be. The fact that I want to be apart of any spiritually makes him upset.

Just a couple days ago he said that I was too happy about my work because to him it's mundane and doesn't warrant the kind of happiness I was exhibiting. Crap like that is an example of our relationship.

 
Going to second the suggestion for counselling. If not as a couple, then just for you. Please don't be offended. I've done a lot of therapy myself, and I can tell you it really helps.

Why haven't you let him know how unhappy you are? Will that make him angry? If you are simply avoiding telling him because you are afraid of confrontation, that is one thing, but if you fear for yourself, that is an entirely different matter. If it's the former, again, I suggest counselling. If it's the latter, I don't think I'll be alone in saying get the hell out of there.

[Redfaery]

I get physically sick when dealing in confrontation.

I just had a thought about this. Does all confrontation make you sick, or is it just confrontation with your husband? I'm not really asking for you to answer (I mean...it's kind of a nosy question) but I think if you have the answer for yourself, it would help. If you just can't handle confrontation, again, that's something that you might seek help for. If it's something about the way HE handles confrontation - the way he treats you when you challenge him, once again, entirely different set of rules there.

[CailinRua]

I have not been as assertive as I should have been. I tend to just go along with what others want because usually if isn't so bad but until this relationship I didn't realize how much I was just accepting. This all started when he'd make me feel bad for liking certain music and books. I kept quiet about it until I got tired of it and spoke up. He still teases me for some media I like but not shaming me like he used to. It still has been a conatant battle for me to open up about stuff I like because more often then not he doesn't like the stuff I share with him.
I keep thinking I should have dinner something about this before I took the marriage dive but I thought we'd be okay. Turns out not... We're approaching our 2nd year marriage anniversary in October so our hasn't even been that long. I'm shaved of myself for making the big decision to marry when I still had doubts about my happiness.

Because I have a hard time bringing up issues like this in general I have no idea how I'm going to bring it up

 

I had a relationship once where i felt as though i had to hide certain parts of myself (spirituality for sure, but also my emotions and needs) to keep the peace and keep from getting belittled or laughed at. He made me feel small and silly and was constantly squashing me down in covert (and sometimes overt) ways. Eventually I left, and it was hard as I loved him but he was toxic and hurtful to me. I hope your husband isnt as bad as he was and its just a matter of communicating, but you do need to be able to share yourself openly without having to "protect" parts of you from his disdain or disrespect. Its just a part of being a team.

Its obviously important to you that he respects you beliefs even if he doesnt share them, and that is perfectly reasonable. I agree with the suggestion of counseling if simply talking to him just the two of you isnt effective. If he just doesnt realize HOW important it is to you because it is difficult to talk about for you, then it could be a simple fix, if not counseling might be more helpful. One idea that could be useful is write him a letter, just write to him all the things that you have difficulty articulating verbally and give it to him, ive done this before and has helped when it was a communication issue. its hard to be articulate when emotional.

I hope what ever route you choose is successful and he will allow you to be yourself fully and accept all parts of you.

[umiwolf]

Going to second the suggestion for counselling. If not as a couple, then just for you. Please don't be offended. I've done a lot of therapy myself, and I can tell you it really helps.

Why haven't you let him know how unhappy you are? Will that make him angry? If you are simply avoiding telling him because you are afraid of confrontation, that is one thing, but if you fear for yourself, that is an entirely different matter. If it's the former, again, I suggest counseling. If it's the latter, I don't think I'll be alone in saying get the hell out of there.

If I feared for my physical health I would have have left a long time ago, I have no shame in letting people know if violence was happening and I'd get my butt out of there but this is purely emotional. I haven't told him because I don't want to stir the pot too much right now. He is amazingly difficult to argue with. He basically just wouldn't leave the fact that I believe in something to slip by. He told me I was just like everyone else, he said things like he didn't want to brought down to a theist's level.

Since that talk I had I've been afraid to bring it up again because I don't feel like being emotionally beaten down.

As for getting physically sick when it comes to confrontation, it happens with anyone I'm afraid to lose or that has any decent amount of power over me like a boss at work.

[umiwolf]

I had a relationship once where i felt as though i had to hide certain parts of myself (spirituality for sure, but also my emotions and needs) to keep the peace and keep from getting belittled or laughed at. He made me feel small and silly and was constantly squashing me down in covert (and sometimes overt) ways. Eventually I left, and it was hard as I loved him but he was toxic and hurtful to me. I hope your husband isnt as bad as he was and its just a matter of communicating, but you do need to be able to share yourself openly without having to "protect" parts of you from his disdain or disrespect. Its just a part of being a team.

Its obviously important to you that he respects you beliefs even if he doesnt share them, and that is perfectly reasonable. I agree with the suggestion of counseling if simply talking to him just the two of you isnt effective. If he just doesnt realize HOW important it is to you because it is difficult to talk about for you, then it could be a simple fix, if not counseling might be more helpful. One idea that could be useful is write him a letter, just write to him all the things that you have difficulty articulating verbally and give it to him, ive done this before and has helped when it was a communication issue. its hard to be articulate when emotional.

I hope what ever route you choose is successful and he will allow you to be yourself fully and accept all parts of you.

 
Hiding myself is something I have and am doing right now. It's important that he accepts what I believe because otherwise I can't do it. I can barely do it now, I end up keeping it hidden. I so much want to go to the local pagan events without fear that he'll disapprove or make me feel bad for wanting to be apart of it. I just want him to let me have my freedom in this matter. I should be allowed to believe what I want, it's a basic human right.

There were signs that he was very much someone who thinks less of people who like things that he deems unworthy. He use to make fun of my music and books that I enjoyed. I use to hide those from him but then said to myself "Hey... It's just media, I can like what I want!" So when he started shaming me I would tell him it wasn't okay and he eventually stopped even though he teases me occasionally for some stuff I like but as long as he isn't telling me I shouldn't like it then I'm set. Religion however.... isn't something he will back down from. I admit I was totally with him when we were dating but I never really felt like that lifestyle was for me to be an atheist I mean. I went through a spout of self worthlessness because with his point of view, we were not important, we weren't special. I'm not saying that I wanted to feel like I was the most important thing in the world but I felt like that mindset of being nothing special was wrong. We're all unique and have our own special thing about us.

After that I tried to look into things like Buddhism because I thought it was subtle enough that he wouldn't object.... No, it's his way or nothing. After getting in touch with a friend I hadn't seen in so much I started to feel awake, I started to remember what it meant to be myself and happy. She's also pagan and helped me feel good about getting back into the practice (I hadn't been pagan since high school) ever since getting back into practice and being in the community I've felt so wonderful and connected to everyone and everything. A joy I can't share with my husband.

Sorry for the long post, I had a lot to say. Perhaps writing a letter would be the best course of action.

[Sage]

Hiding myself is something I have and am doing right now. It's important that he accepts what I believe because otherwise I can't do it. I can barely do it now, I end up keeping it hidden. I so much want to go to the local pagan events without fear that he'll disapprove or make me feel bad for wanting to be apart of it. I just want him to let me have my freedom in this matter. I should be allowed to believe what I want, it's a basic human right.

 
Umiwolf, these all sound like red flags for me - both in terms of "is this relationship unhealthy?" and "is this person toxic to be around?" You should not need your partner's acceptance to pursue your own social and religious life. You should not have to wait for him to "let" you have your freedom. If he's not giving it to you... then what does that say about him?

[umiwolf]

Umiwolf, these all sound like red flags for me - both in terms of "is this relationship unhealthy?" and "is this person toxic to be around?" You should not need your partner's acceptance to pursue your own social and religious life. You should not have to wait for him to "let" you have your freedom. If he's not giving it to you... then what does that say about him?

You're right but I don't know how to leave