Family: i just don't understand my purpose... a rant i think

[brad]

Disclaimer:  I don't have many friends I can talk to.  Actually, none.  Beware of bipolar tendencies.  For entertainment only.  Batteries not included.  Oh, and some assembly may be required.

I try to do good.  I'm 30, for a few more months anyway.  After that, I'll still be 30.  :ange:  I struggle with bipolar disorder quite a bit, but I try to embrace it the best I can.  Among other things, I can do computer service, operate heavy and farm equipment, do typical homeowner repairs, mechanic work, mig welding, and telco/cable wiring.  I can also crochet, clean, cook, read tarot, sort & organize.  I'm a ham radio operator.  I'm also a very proud owner of a pair of goats.  Both are alpine/boer mix does.  I'm a daddy as well.

I can do a lot of things.  However, I don't have a steady job.  I have a part timer at the road district as mechanic and operator, but I never know when I'll be needed.  To top it off, the state takes half of what little pay I do get for child support.  I'm that 30 year old guy that never seems to get anywhere that still lives with his mom.  Literally, she is over there watching paranormal witness. ------>

I volunteer at the local fire department as their IT guy.  I've been hoping my name would get tossed around a little and get a trickle of work from time to time, but so far this hasn't happened. 

I've turned in applications around here locally, but I never get phone calls back.

I've been doing server admin work for a guy about 120 miles away, in exchange for having a dedicated server for my own use.  I don't really use it though.  I have nothing to use it for.  I recently took a 2400 mile round trip with him to Jersey to pick up some equipment he bought for an amazing price at auction.  The trip was one nightmare after another.  The van he had wasn't really big enough to haul the trailer and equipment.  I had to fix a LOT of stuff to keep us, and the trailer, moving down the road.  At one point, the trailer passed us on the interstate.  Whoever installed the hitch didn't tighten the ball down.  At a different point, I noticed the hitch was much closer to the ground than it was previously.  I crawled under the van and noticed that the hitch was loose on the frame.  I undid the bolts and nuts with only my fingers.  So, I had to fix that as well.  I  wanted to meet a long time internet acquaintance near Philly and to see the ocean, neither of which happened due to the delays and extra expense of the numerous things I had to fix.  My purpose for actually going was to be the computer guy, not the roadside ride-along mechanic.

I have been single for three years now.  I don't really even want to make myself available in that way for a number of reasons.  One reason is out of embarrassment of my living situation.  The next reason is because I don't have steady source of income.  Another, is because the two previous serious relationships I was in left me burned pretty bad.  How bad?  The most recent of the two literally took everything, including most of my clothes.  (My clothes were pretty nice, and happened to fit her new boytoy).  Another reason for staying single... I have more joy out of being around and taking care of my two goats than I ever had in any relationship I've ever been in.

I've been suicidal.  I have tried, many times, and not on impulse either.  I did research about the mortality rates of the ideas I had, fatal drug interactions, and so on.  I've been in the nut house for it, too.  Now a days, although I till think about it a lot, I don't want to try it again.  My daughter would be very sad if I did that.  Of all the let downs in my life, I still want to live so my daughter will have her daddy.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend of mine.  The topic turned to how my life is such a mess now.  He told me that at one time ( which would be about 6 years ago ) I had a following of beautiful women, that I was the life of a party, and that I was sorely missed when ever I wasn't around.  Not believing I was nearly as influential as he was making me out to be, I asked his wife, which is also a good friend, if I had a mini brad-cult back in the day.  She was like yes, you really did.  They would have done anything you said or asked.  People were jealous of you all the time.  In retrospect, I always did have company at my apartment, normally girls.  Some would stay the night, others would stay for a few weeks.  I never "did" any of them, they were just hanging around.

I'm not really expecting anything by posting this.  I guess, I just wanted to write.

[FollowerofOdin]

Disclaimer:  I don't have many friends I can talk to.  Actually, none.  Beware of bipolar tendencies.  For entertainment only.  Batteries not included.  Oh, and some assembly may be required.

I try to do good.  I'm 30, for a few more months anyway.  After that, I'll still be 30.  :ange:  I struggle with bipolar disorder quite a bit, but I try to embrace it the best I can.  Among other things, I can do computer service, operate heavy and farm equipment, do typical homeowner repairs, mechanic work, mig welding, and telco/cable wiring.  I can also crochet, clean, cook, read tarot, sort & organize.  I'm a ham radio operator.  I'm also a very proud owner of a pair of goats.  Both are alpine/boer mix does.  I'm a daddy as well.

I can do a lot of things.  However, I don't have a steady job.  I have a part timer at the road district as mechanic and operator, but I never know when I'll be needed.  To top it off, the state takes half of what little pay I do get for child support.  I'm that 30 year old guy that never seems to get anywhere that still lives with his mom.  Literally, she is over there watching paranormal witness. ------>

I volunteer at the local fire department as their IT guy.  I've been hoping my name would get tossed around a little and get a trickle of work from time to time, but so far this hasn't happened.  

I've turned in applications around here locally, but I never get phone calls back.

I've been doing server admin work for a guy about 120 miles away, in exchange for having a dedicated server for my own use.  I don't really use it though.  I have nothing to use it for.  I recently took a 2400 mile round trip with him to Jersey to pick up some equipment he bought for an amazing price at auction.  The trip was one nightmare after another.  The van he had wasn't really big enough to haul the trailer and equipment.  I had to fix a LOT of stuff to keep us, and the trailer, moving down the road.  At one point, the trailer passed us on the interstate.  Whoever installed the hitch didn't tighten the ball down.  At a different point, I noticed the hitch was much closer to the ground than it was previously.  I crawled under the van and noticed that the hitch was loose on the frame.  I undid the bolts and nuts with only my fingers.  So, I had to fix that as well.  I  wanted to meet a long time internet acquaintance near Philly and to see the ocean, neither of which happened due to the delays and extra expense of the numerous things I had to fix.  My purpose for actually going was to be the computer guy, not the roadside ride-along mechanic.

I have been single for three years now.  I don't really even want to make myself available in that way for a number of reasons.  One reason is out of embarrassment of my living situation.  The next reason is because I don't have steady source of income.  Another, is because the two previous serious relationships I was in left me burned pretty bad.  How bad?  The most recent of the two literally took everything, including most of my clothes.  (My clothes were pretty nice, and happened to fit her new boytoy).  Another reason for staying single... I have more joy out of being around and taking care of my two goats than I ever had in any relationship I've ever been in.

I've been suicidal.  I have tried, many times, and not on impulse either.  I did research about the mortality rates of the ideas I had, fatal drug interactions, and so on.  I've been in the nut house for it, too.  Now a days, although I till think about it a lot, I don't want to try it again.  My daughter would be very sad if I did that.  Of all the let downs in my life, I still want to live so my daughter will have her daddy.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend of mine.  The topic turned to how my life is such a mess now.  He told me that at one time ( which would be about 6 years ago ) I had a following of beautiful women, that I was the life of a party, and that I was sorely missed when ever I wasn't around.  Not believing I was nearly as influential as he was making me out to be, I asked his wife, which is also a good friend, if I had a mini brad-cult back in the day.  She was like yes, you really did.  They would have done anything you said or asked.  People were jealous of you all the time.  In retrospect, I always did have company at my apartment, normally girls.  Some would stay the night, others would stay for a few weeks.  I never "did" any of them, they were just hanging around.

I'm not really expecting anything by posting this.  I guess, I just wanted to write.

 
Feel bad for you. I'm 33 and still live at home with my mother. I think our house is haunted by cats.

[Laveth]

I'm not really expecting anything by posting this.  I guess, I just wanted to write.

 
Sometimes writing to an audience can be its own catharsis for realization and releasing pent-up frustrations. But your situation isn't uncommon, and we set ourselves up for suffering when we tie our self-worth into our job/income. It's not a wise thing, and it won't serve you in any way.

Just a thought, have you gone to college or done trade school? Are internships available to you? Sometimes just getting into volunteering/teaching or internships will help you build the connections that can find you a better job. Just a thought.