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Author Topic: Family: In a bit of a pickle  (Read 3837 times)

Jack

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #30 on: January 03, 2017, 10:49:42 pm »
Quote from: ehbowen;200897
But while angels may not marry in heaven, I do think that if you're fortunate enough to catch one on earth...she's eligible.

 
Okay but seriously, based on my experiences with incarnate angels, I would recommend against dating them as a concept.
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ehbowen

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #31 on: January 03, 2017, 11:37:42 pm »
Quote from: Jack;200902
Okay but seriously, based on my experiences with incarnate angels, I would recommend against dating them as a concept.

 
I am willing to take the risk.
--------Eric H. Bowen
Where's the KABOOM? There was supposed to have been an Earth-shattering KABOOM!

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #32 on: January 04, 2017, 06:00:24 pm »
Quote from: ehbowen;200892
It may be a mistake to purchase a house which is in need of major repair in a questionable neighborhood...but once the contract is signed, that is that. Now, while you may be able to pawn it off on another sucker buyer, you can hardly go back to the seller six months later and tell him to give you your money back.


Except that if a contract contains clauses to that effect, or is fraudulent, signed under duress, or in other ways illegal or invalid, you totally can.

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #33 on: January 07, 2017, 05:44:04 pm »
Quote from: Jack;200902
Okay but seriously, based on my experiences with incarnate angels, I would recommend against dating them as a concept.

 
If I saw a million eyeballed multiple headed flaming whatchamacallit on Tinder, I'd swipe right.

Jack

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #34 on: January 07, 2017, 06:16:21 pm »
Quote from: Mama Fortuna;201162
If I saw a million eyeballed multiple headed flaming whatchamacallit on Tinder, I'd swipe right.
Though I'd be tempted to give somebody whose ok cupid profile started with "Fear not!" a chance.

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Hail Mara, Lady of Good Things!
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TheEnigmaticSEF

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #35 on: January 10, 2017, 09:30:25 am »
Quote from: Jenett;200814
That said, TheEnigmaticSEF, a bit more than a year ago, there was a very very long thread on emotional labour on Metafilter that a lot of people I know found very useful. The original is exceedingly long (2000+ comments) but someone also put together a more reasonable annotated and indexed PDF version.

There's a lot in there about reciprocity and what one can and should expect from a *partner* in a relationship, different things people have tried when that (very often) isn't true, and above all, a lot of people found it reassuring they weren't alone with struggling with these things.

 
Thank you so much!
I cannot express my gratitude.  This is definitely guidance I needed.

To address some other things said by other people:
I was married under Duress.  I was starving and not in my right Mind and also my Mother manipulated me into thinking that I MUST marry at that point in life.  I am certain that since my body was falling apart my mind was not to be trusted.  Also I don't hold Marriage as a sacred bond, but rather as a contract between two people.  I would want to fulfill my end, but at this point I am not even sure I should.  I don't want to give up though, I want to do my best to do what is right.

I agree that just because I found the guy from my dreams doesn't mean I should leave my husband.  But it is both Highlighting and making a Bad situation worse for me.  Its hard not to talk to this guy.  Usually I don't have to shield myself because I am unnoticeable.  He notices me and asks me if I am okay when I seem down.  After a lifetime of being on my own and taking care of myself and others its very difficult to just walk away from someone who actually wants to care for me.  That being said, I have started avoiding talking to him unless necessary.

I started Therapy this past Saturday.  Hopefully talking to this neutral party will help me in some manner.  My Husband refuses to go with me and is only about half way on board me going on my own dime.

Jack

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #36 on: January 10, 2017, 11:47:23 pm »
Quote from: TheEnigmaticSEF;201285
I started Therapy this past Saturday.  Hopefully talking to this neutral party will help me in some manner.  My Husband refuses to go with me and is only about half way on board me going on my own dime.

This is a great step! I hope you are able to benefit from it and decide what you want to do next.

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Hail Mara, Lady of Good Things!
"The only way to cope with something deadly serious is to try to treat it a little lightly." -Madeleine L'Engle

TheEnigmaticSEF

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #37 on: January 11, 2017, 01:18:10 pm »
Quote from: Jack;201306
This is a great step! I hope you are able to benefit from it and decide what you want to do next.

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 Deciding is the hard part.  
The only things I know are: I don't want to start a relationship coming out of a bad one.  I want to do right by my Husband (whatever that is).  And that This is very hard.

I was raised to be invisible and of service to other people.  Even though I reject that upbringing, I am so far out of my depth.

Vixen

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #38 on: January 16, 2017, 10:47:25 am »
Quote from: TheEnigmaticSEF;201315


I was raised to be invisible and of service to other people.  Even though I reject that upbringing, I am so far out of my depth.

 
Sometimes the best way to take care of others is to take care of yourself first.
You're only given a little spark of madness, you mustn't lose it.

Sorcha

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #39 on: January 16, 2017, 01:11:02 pm »
Quote from: TheEnigmaticSEF;201315
Deciding is the hard part.  
The only things I know are: I don't want to start a relationship coming out of a bad one.  I want to do right by my Husband (whatever that is).  And that This is very hard.

I was raised to be invisible and of service to other people.  Even though I reject that upbringing, I am so far out of my depth.

 
A bit of perspective. I am/was in an interestingly similar situation (aside from the fact that I'm not married, so there's that complication out of the way).

I met a man about three years ago and feel HARD for him. I mean HARD. At the time, he wasn't in a relationship and we sort of started a Thing. I was also in a situation family-wise where they didn't approve of him (not for any personal moral failing; it was a religious objection).

Long story short I dithered about for months and eventually he gave up and got into a relationship with somebody else. I was devastated, berated myself for my indecision, went through months of trying to "just be friends" (which involved hooking up with him a couple of times, so yeah... all kinds of emotional confusion and false sense of hope, etc....). Finally, *I* gave up, looked elsewhere, met an amazing guy with a suitcase full of baggage who nonetheless respected me intensely and taught me a lot about what relationships should look like. When he knew it couldn't work at that time, he told me and walked away, dealt with his shit, and now we actually are pretty decent friends.

After he walked away, Dude Number One walked back in, and the cycle started all over again. He was unhappy. His relationship was miserable. She was abusive. He was depressed. Over the course of about a year we became really close; he'd tell me his problems and I felt enormously important, fulfilled, and as if if I just cared enough, was there enough, eventually he'd leave her and be with me. There were rumblings of this every so often to give me continued hope.

And then I began to realize he was lying to me. Not about everything, but about enough that it made it VERY difficult to tell what was true and what was a lie. I expended a ton of emotional energy being there for him (and he is genuinely a mess emotionally and mentally), etc. But the lying finally got to me (and the not ever showing up for me when I needed anything) and I broke. I told him it wasn't okay and he needed to stop it. The result was he announced that "this is the end" because his therapist said that "stuff like that wasn't good for him and could cause another mental break". (I very much doubt his therapist meant that somebody taking issue with his lying to them was bad for him, but he has trouble distinguishing between actual abuse and "this makes me uncomfortable because I don't like recognizing what a douche I am".)

Anyway, I'm having to walk away. My point is that I thought that guy was the answer: if I could just have HIM, I'd be happy. If he could just see that his relationship was bad and he'd be happy with me, he'd run to be with me. THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES OF THIS. Do not pin your hopes on this guy. He could be an enormous jerk, a complete sleezeball, and utterly unworthy of the emotional energy you're expending on him. And really he shouldn't be coming to you with his relationship issues; he should be seeing a counselor.

Work on you. Work on your relationship. If that's bad, maybe it's time for it to be over. You got married under duress, but it doesn't sound as if you're under duress now. Get a therapist and be open about all of this with her/him. If you have a job, explore your options and see if maybe it's time for you to develop some independence and make your own life apart from your husband.

Either way, this dude is not the answer to your issues and is definitely not somebody to pin hopes on. He might leave the relationship tomorrow, but odds are he won't. And you certainly can't make him do it.


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Noctua

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #40 on: January 16, 2017, 04:18:56 pm »
Quote from: Vixen;201481
Sometimes the best way to take care of others is to take care of yourself first.

 
I'd say it's not just the best way, it's the only way. If you've never cared for yourself, then you don't have a good perspective on what's appropriate and what's unhealthy. If you put all your emotional energy and self-worth into what you can do for others without saving anything for yourself eventually you will falter, you will break, and everyone will be worse off.

I'm currently in nursing school which is a profession that demands a lot of intense, emotional labor. Every semester we have a Self-Care assignment- we have to use the skills we've been trained in to assess what our own physical/emotional/spiritual/social needs are, and develop a care plan with goals to meet those needs; because the nurses that don't care for themselves? They burn out in 5 years, max. We like to use the Airplane analogy- whenever you fly on a plane, they always tell you in the event of an emergency to secure your own mask before assisting others who need help. Because if you help them first, then you'll pass out and they can't help you back. It's not selfish to help yourself first- it's necessary.

TheEnigmaticSEF

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #41 on: January 21, 2017, 02:49:36 pm »
Quote from: Sorcha;201484
My point is that I thought that guy was the answer: if I could just have HIM, I'd be happy. If he could just see that his relationship was bad and he'd be happy with me, he'd run to be with me. THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES OF THIS. Do not pin your hopes on this guy. He could be an enormous jerk, a complete sleezeball, and utterly unworthy of the emotional energy you're expending on him. And really he shouldn't be coming to you with his relationship issues; he should be seeing a counselor.

Work on you. Work on your relationship. If that's bad, maybe it's time for it to be over. You got married under duress, but it doesn't sound as if you're under duress now. Get a therapist and be open about all of this with her/him. If you have a job, explore your options and see if maybe it's time for you to develop some independence and make your own life apart from your husband.

Either way, this dude is not the answer to your issues and is definitely not somebody to pin hopes on. He might leave the relationship tomorrow, but odds are he won't. And you certainly can't make him do it.


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I am not pinning my hopes on him.  Even if we got together it wouldn't make my whole life.  My Mother and Father are Soulmates, but they have tons of issues (most of them stem from the fact that my Mother is Mentally ill and my father is too depressed to care about anything) .  This man that I talk to, we support each other all the time.  It is a give and take relationship.  We both talk to each other about our partners.  He doesn't know that I love him the way I do.  He is very caring towards me, when I expect nothing.  He hasn't taken advantage of me at all.

Quote from: Noctua;201495
I'd say it's not just the best way, it's the only way. If you've never cared for yourself, then you don't have a good perspective on what's appropriate and what's unhealthy. If you put all your emotional energy and self-worth into what you can do for others without saving anything for yourself eventually you will falter, you will break, and everyone will be worse off.

I'm currently in nursing school which is a profession that demands a lot of intense, emotional labor. Every semester we have a Self-Care assignment- we have to use the skills we've been trained in to assess what our own physical/emotional/spiritual/social needs are, and develop a care plan with goals to meet those needs; because the nurses that don't care for themselves? They burn out in 5 years, max. We like to use the Airplane analogy- whenever you fly on a plane, they always tell you in the event of an emergency to secure your own mask before assisting others who need help. Because if you help them first, then you'll pass out and they can't help you back. It's not selfish to help yourself first- it's necessary.

 
You are both right.  I need to start making this a priority.
My therapist asked me what I want in my life and what makes me happy and so I started making a list.  
I decided I need to spend a little time for me every day and also self advocate a bit more (because I am so bad at it).

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