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Author Topic: Family: In a bit of a pickle  (Read 4474 times)

TheEnigmaticSEF

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In a bit of a pickle
« on: December 18, 2016, 10:40:36 am »
I am in a bit of a pickle and I need some perspective.
The women in my family have a history of meeting their companion of life in their dreams. I am not an exception, however when I was younger I had a dream that he was taken away by another soul across an ocean and I could not follow. From then until recently I didn't see him in my dreams at all. I had given up hope to meet him and got married to someone else seven and one half years ago.
Recently I did meet this person. Since then he has come back into my dreams. He is in a committed relationship with the woman I saw in that dream I mentioned.
My husband is not a cruel man, but he is cruel with me and I can see that the one from my dreams is not well with his lover.
One one hand I want to be honorable and stick with my commitments, but on the other hand I see something that could be.
I also feel like a stupid child, even though I am matronly at this point.  I feel like I should not be mooning over a pretty face (I don't think he is pretty to other Women, just me).
I am a solo practitioner and the only other person I know who has experience with this is my Grandmother (my mother rejects the craft). 
Any advice would be fantastic.
« Last Edit: May 07, 2019, 01:12:27 pm by RandallS »

Soletaken

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2016, 01:03:02 pm »
Quote from: TheEnigmaticSEF;200177

I am a solo practitioner and the only other person I know who has experience with this is my Grandmother (my mother rejects the craft).  
Any advice would be fantastic.

 
Imo, this isn't really a "craft" issue. More of a moral dilemma. Here's what I think on the subject.
You have no say in the other guy's marriage, that's strictly between him and his wife. If he's unhappy with her, that's for them to sort out as a couple without anyone else's influence.
If you're unhappy in your marriage, that's for you and your husband to sort out as a couple. Open communication about how he makes you feel, counseling, whatever you think best. If you think the relationship can't be saved, go, but do it for yourself and not to chase another man.
Anyway, that's my advice.

Emma Eldritch

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2016, 01:09:39 pm »
Quote from: TheEnigmaticSEF;200177
I am in a bit of a pickle and I need some perspective.
The women in my family have a history of meeting their companion of life in their dreams. I am not an exception, however when I was younger I had a dream that he was taken away by another soul across an ocean and I could not follow. From then until recently I didn't see him in my dreams at all. I had given up hope to meet him and got married to someone else seven and one half years ago.
Recently I did meet this person. Since then he has come back into my dreams. He is in a committed relationship with the woman I saw in that dream I mentioned.
My husband is not a cruel man, but he is cruel with me and I can see that the one from my dreams is not well with his lover.
One one hand I want to be honorable and stick with my commitments, but on the other hand I see something that could be.
I also feel like a stupid child, even though I am matronly at this point.  I feel like I should not be mooning over a pretty face (I don't think he is pretty to other Women, just me).
I am a solo practitioner and the only other person I know who has experience with this is my Grandmother (my mother rejects the craft).  
Any advice would be fantastic.

 
This is really two separate issues. The first is that you're not happy with your husband. Soletaken is right - that's for you guys to sort out as a couple. Maybe you'll make the relationship better, maybe you'll open it up, maybe you'll get a divorce. I don't know, and nobody else here knows either - it's entirely on you guys.

I will say that it does sound like you're looking for an excuse to leave, though. Saying "I met my soulmate!" is, in my experience, a way people use to get out of relationships they feel trapped in without the guilt. That way it's not your decision, it's fate! (My personal opinion on this method is... not positive.)

The other issue is that you have a crush on a guy. A married guy. Which rarely works out well. (And yes, I'm sure it feels like more than a crush because dreams, but if you're planning on dynamiting two relationships you should probably have something more substantial to build on first, you know?)

My advice would be to sort out your own marriage first, and then see what's happening with your dream guy once the dust settles.

TheEnigmaticSEF

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2016, 12:41:27 pm »
Quote from: Soletaken;200182
Imo, this isn't really a "craft" issue. More of a moral dilemma. Here's what I think on the subject.
You have no say in the other guy's marriage.

 

Quote from: Mama Fortuna;200225
This is really two separate issues.
A married guy.

 
You guys are right and normally I would be the lady advocating for all the things you said.
I would like to address two things though:
First, I said committed relationship because this guy is Just Shacked up with this lady for a few years, they are not even affianced.  I am the one who is married.  I married under pressure from my family and because I honestly thought since he had disappeared from my dreams that I would never meet this guy.

Which brings me to my second thing: I am finding it almost impossible to remain neutral to this guy.  He comes to me for advice on his relationship with his Girlfriend and Normally I would tell him to dump this chick, because they aren't right for each other and they are passive-aggressive all the time.  However I am not a neutral party.  He has told me he is afraid to propose to her and I want to tell him that his hesitation is because she isn't right, but my instinct is to tell him about all the dreams I had about him before I even met him, which isn't okay.  

I really need some help here.  I want to do right by my husband.  But in the past I always chose to put his needs above mine and its slowly starting to creep up on me that he has never done the same.  If it was anyone but myself I would be able to tell them which path to take, but I am in the middle.  There is actually a lot going on I am hesitant to mention as well, since it makes me feel like I'm in the middle of some kind of drama.  

I'm feeling like a lost teenager right now instead of an old lady.  Honestly I am ashamed of myself. But Also, I thought I would never feel this way again.

Emma Eldritch

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2016, 01:28:15 pm »
Quote from: TheEnigmaticSEF;200400
You guys are right and normally I would be the lady advocating for all the things you said.
I would like to address two things though:
First, I said committed relationship because this guy is Just Shacked up with this lady for a few years, they are not even affianced.  I am the one who is married.  I married under pressure from my family and because I honestly thought since he had disappeared from my dreams that I would never meet this guy.


Sorry about that, my bad. Still, "just shacked up" = committed relationship. I'm also sorry you got married under duress, but it happened and now you get to deal with the consequences. Shitty, I know.

You're not gonna like my advice, which is to stop talking to this guy until you sort your shit out.

I don't see any reason you should feel ashamed. You sound unhappy. But using this guy as an excuse to dump your husband is setting yourself up for more trouble in the long run. If he's really some special dude who feels for you the way you do for him, then he'll still be there when you get your life sorted.

But if you figure out what YOU really want - outside of the romantic stuff - you'll be in a better position to move forward regardless of who is with you.

TheEnigmaticSEF

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2016, 02:54:10 pm »
Quote from: Mama Fortuna;200401
Sorry about that, my bad. Still, "just shacked up" = committed relationship. I'm also sorry you got married under duress, but it happened and now you get to deal with the consequences. Shitty, I know.

You're not gonna like my advice, which is to stop talking to this guy until you sort your shit out.

I don't see any reason you should feel ashamed. You sound unhappy. But using this guy as an excuse to dump your husband is setting yourself up for more trouble in the long run. If he's really some special dude who feels for you the way you do for him, then he'll still be there when you get your life sorted.

But if you figure out what YOU really want - outside of the romantic stuff - you'll be in a better position to move forward regardless of who is with you.

 Thank you.
Do you have a starting point for me?  Because I am legit lost.

Emma Eldritch

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #6 on: December 22, 2016, 12:34:39 pm »
Quote from: TheEnigmaticSEF;200405
Thank you.
Do you have a starting point for me?  Because I am legit lost.

 
If you can afford counselling, that can be a really great start. Otherwise is there anybody in your circle of friends who you can talk to openly and honestly? Sometimes just talking to people can help you figure out what's really going on.

I also am a big advocate of journaling. Getting your thoughts out on paper can help you organise them, and reading what you've written can reveal patterns and themes. These can give you insight into what you really want.

TheEnigmaticSEF

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2016, 12:58:26 pm »
Quote from: Mama Fortuna;200423
If you can afford counselling, that can be a really great start. Otherwise is there anybody in your circle of friends who you can talk to openly and honestly? Sometimes just talking to people can help you figure out what's really going on.

I also am a big advocate of journaling. Getting your thoughts out on paper can help you organise them, and reading what you've written can reveal patterns and themes. These can give you insight into what you really want.
I've been working on going to counseling.  I need someone to take me since I can't drive myself and my husband is against it for the most part.
 
Is there any way to make it so I am less aware of This other guy?  He is on the edge of my senses and when we are at work it is very distracting when he walks by or looks at me.  If he gets close enough I can feel that he is there.

Emma Eldritch

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2016, 02:08:47 pm »
Quote from: TheEnigmaticSEF;200527
I've been working on going to counseling.  I need someone to take me since I can't drive myself and my husband is against it for the most part.
 
Is there any way to make it so I am less aware of This other guy?  He is on the edge of my senses and when we are at work it is very distracting when he walks by or looks at me.  If he gets close enough I can feel that he is there.

 
Getting time to yourself to devote to your own well being is very important, so I'm glad you're doing that.

Oh man, if I had a solution for that one I could make a fortune. Unfortunately the only way I personally know is to treat it like an itch and just ignore it as best you can.

TheEnigmaticSEF

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2016, 10:27:03 am »
Quote from: Mama Fortuna;200580
Getting time to yourself to devote to your own well being is very important, so I'm glad you're doing that.

Oh man, if I had a solution for that one I could make a fortune. Unfortunately the only way I personally know is to treat it like an itch and just ignore it as best you can.

 
I'm gonna die of this guy walking up behind me and occasionally throughout the day Staring at me from across the room.
Time to beg all the Goddesses I know for strength and patience.

Jenett

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #10 on: December 31, 2016, 11:03:07 am »
Quote from: TheEnigmaticSEF;200676
I'm gonna die of this guy walking up behind me and occasionally throughout the day Staring at me from across the room.
Time to beg all the Goddesses I know for strength and patience.

 
Have you explored shielding with a particular focus and/or aura manipulation to make yourself less obvious? Both have some other complications, especially at work.

(It can be hard to do 'I'm not here, don't notice me' for one person, and not for other people, so it's going to depend a lot on your workplace, who you need to interact with, etc. if this is a viable choice. If you only ever *need* to talk to your boss, and can drop the shielding for 5 minutes when you go knock on his office, that's very different than if you need to interact with a dozen people regularly.)

However, you could do something that is very "I am here to work, I am working, I am a person who is keeping my commitments" (if those things are true, and you can put energy and regular action behind them).

One technique is basically to spend some time centering, grounding, and building a bubble-shield around you, and then to fill that shield with your intention, so that anything that tries to affect you hits that first (and so that that is the thing you are most deliberately presenting to the world.)

Some people do this by filling their aura with a suitable color for the intention. Some might have a short, positively phrased intention they repeat whenever they remember ('positively phrased' because our brains do weird things with negative words, and you don't want to reinforce the wrong thing. A sentence like the above works better. Even "I am focused on my work" would be fine, during the workday.)

The other thing you might consider is work around sovereignty. Why are you giving him this much power in your life, to control how your day goes? That's not good for you, it's not good for your work, it's not good for your home life. This is not a fast thing to change for most people who find themselves in a situation like yours (because this isn't something you learned overnight, it's something that's been a pattern for a long time, probably, so it's going to take a while to figure out new patterns and approaches.)

Other people might have better recommendations on the sovereignty side, but definitely something to think about exploring, both for your situation with this man, and to figure out what you want, need, and should do going forward about your current relationship.
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ehbowen

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #11 on: January 01, 2017, 02:08:28 am »
Quote from: TheEnigmaticSEF;200177
I am in a bit of a pickle and I need some perspective.
The women in my family have a history of meeting their companion of life in their dreams. I am not an exception, however when I was younger I had a dream that he was taken away by another soul across an ocean and I could not follow. From then until recently I didn't see him in my dreams at all. I had given up hope to meet him and got married to someone else seven and one half years ago.
Recently I did meet this person. Since then he has come back into my dreams. He is in a committed relationship with the woman I saw in that dream I mentioned.
My husband is not a cruel man, but he is cruel with me and I can see that the one from my dreams is not well with his lover.
One one hand I want to be honorable and stick with my commitments, but on the other hand I see something that could be.
I also feel like a stupid child, even though I am matronly at this point.  I feel like I should not be mooning over a pretty face (I don't think he is pretty to other Women, just me).
I am a solo practitioner and the only other person I know who has experience with this is my Grandmother (my mother rejects the craft).  
Any advice would be fantastic.

 
I saw this when you first posted it but held back because I felt my reply would not be appropriate to the original forum area. Now that it has been moved, though, I think I might be able to speak freely.

My response is predicated upon the question of what marriage is. If marriage is, and should be, primarily a vehicle for one's own personal fulfillment and enjoyment, then the answer is obvious. In that case, one should do whatever he or she feels inclined at the moment...and if that means dumping his wife of 30+ years to hook up with a babe younger than his marriage, well, who are we to judge?

But, maybe, It's Not All About You. Maybe the whole point of marriage is to sublimate—not lose, but temporarily put aside—your own dreams and ambitions in order to support and enrich the life of your mate, to work to become whatever he or she has dreamed of and is most in need of.

I'm not saying that marriage should not be enjoyable or fulfilling; it should—and I believe that God intended it that way. And if you wait until God sends you the right partner, one who is fully committed to loving and supporting you as well, I believe it will be.

But suppose you can't wait that long and pull the trigger a little early. Or, if not you, the other does. Is that a reason to bail out if it looks like a better opportunity comes along? Absolutely not! This may horrify some, but I believe there are no mistakes in marriage. It is never a mistake to pledge to love, and cherish, and serve, and complement another for the length of a human lifetime—and then to carry out that vow.

Yes, some marriages turn into disasters. I do not say that you should remain in an abusive situation, whether that abuse is physical or psychological. You must set limits, and in that case separation is entirely justified, and the sooner the better. By all means, report them to the authorities and seek legal protection and punishment if it is appropriate. But while you are separated you should still consider that other your spouse and love them, and continually pray that they will come to their senses and that reconciliation and a renewed relationship will be possible.

If the other spouse falls into open rebellion and adultery and refuses to repent within a reasonable time, then even in the strictest of the Christian tradition I come from you are justified in seeking to end the marriage. But for any offense less than that, while you should not allow yourself to become a target, you should continue to hope and pray for the best for them...which may mean discipline and punishment to bring them to their senses, but eventual reconciliation when that happens.

It's no secret to those who have been around this board for a while that I seriously expect to be married to a literal goddess some day. But even then, I am not expecting that everything will necessarily be smooth sailing. Any time two different personalities are joined there will be rough edges that need to be filed down so that the gears mesh properly. And, even in those cases where they fit perfectly, there will still be strains and even outright attacks from outside. If damage happens, do you give up? Or do you put the pieces back together and make a fresh start?

I'll close by saying that I have made the personal acquaintance of a lady who has been in a very rough marriage for decades...formally since 2003, but "living together" since the 1990s. They both have very serious mental and physical health issues. She is bipolar and on medication (and says up front that she needs it), he is blind, in a wheelchair, and alcoholic. Neither of them can drive; they use public transportation and hired taxis and lifts to service their vending machine business. They accepted years ago that they could not have children. He (when under the influence) is verbally abusive and degrading to her. Even so, she continues to love him and to respect and submit to him as the head of their household. That does not mean she does whatever he says. She sets limits, and enforces them. When he tells her to buy him alcohol, she refuses. She does not physically stop him, but she forces him to make all of the arrangements himself. When he becomes drunk and abusive, she leaves to spend a day or two with a relative or trusted friend and lets him sort matters out for himself. But she continues to love and desire the best for him and to reach out to the personality, however distant it may be through the fog, who made the original commitment to and married her.

Is this the picture of a perfect marriage? Far from it. Is this the picture of perfect marital love and commitment? I think that, very nearly, it is.
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Jack

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #12 on: January 02, 2017, 02:06:25 am »
Quote from: ehbowen;200719
Yes, some marriages turn into disasters. I do not say that you should remain in an abusive situation, whether that abuse is physical or psychological. You must set limits, and in that case separation is entirely justified, and the sooner the better. By all means, report them to the authorities and seek legal protection and punishment if it is appropriate. But while you are separated you should still consider that other your spouse and love them, and continually pray that they will come to their senses and that reconciliation and a renewed relationship will be possible.

 
Gonna have to come at this from the other side.

I spent a hell of a lot longer than I should have in an abusive relationship because I'd been sold the bill of goods that real love was sticking it out when it got hard, and changing to support the other person, and supporting them no matter what. And those are good ideas, good goals, but they're supposed to work both ways.

It's not going to work with a black eye, or borrowing money because your spouse spent the bill money on a new tarot deck, or staying up all night because she wants to 'process' until you admit she's right. It's not giving up your education goals because she doesn't like the idea of you being in such a different time zone, or literally not celebrating your birthday because it's too close to hers and she thinks it detracts.

"Sticking it out" was supporting my current spouse through unemployment, and them supporting me through life-threatening illness. "Changing to support the other person" is being more attentive to dirty dishes so they don't always have to do the cleaning, or letting the importance of taking care of my family convince me to try treating my mental illness with medication when I don't care about myself enough to do it for me. "No matter what" means what the world throws at us, not what my spouse throws at me.

Marriage is not an endurance race or an episode of Cutthroat Kitchen, and if my spouse is trying to sabotage my well being then I am under no obligation to sit around and fucking pine after her or throw more years at it in the hope that she'll eventually give a fuck about my health or happiness.

OP, I agree with the above commenters that you should decide how to proceed with your marriage without regard to this other man. Figure out whether what you have is worth saving. If it's not, walk away for yourself, not for some dream guy.

And if you haven't already, stop being his sounding board about his current girlfriend. Give him the URL to the Captain Awkward forums and tell him you want to support him but you can't put that energy in anymore.
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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #13 on: January 02, 2017, 09:22:36 am »
Quote from: Jack;200779
Gonna have to come at this from the other side.

I spent a hell of a lot longer than I should have in an abusive relationship because I'd been sold the bill of goods that real love was sticking it out when it got hard, and changing to support the other person, and supporting them no matter what. And those are good ideas, good goals, but they're supposed to work both ways.

 
Jack, all I will say in reply is that, at least in my belief system, the vows are primarily made to God and not to the other person...and, as long as you are holding up your end of the vow, it is God's responsibility to keep the situation from escalating above what you can bear [1 Corinthians 10:13].
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Sarah

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Re: In a bit of a pickle
« Reply #14 on: January 02, 2017, 11:07:43 am »
Quote from: ehbowen;200786
Jack, all I will say in reply is that, at least in my belief system, the vows are primarily made to God and not to the other person...and, as long as you are holding up your end of the vow, it is God's responsibility to keep the situation from escalating above what you can bear [1 Corinthians 10:13].

 
If this were true people wouldn't die at the hands of their intimate partners. Why would a loving god want people to stay in abusive relationships?
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