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Author Topic: He forget anniversary again..........  (Read 267 times)

Nerys53

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He forget anniversary again..........
« on: June 25, 2020, 09:33:41 pm »
Not the first time but is all years he forgets anniversary. I mention it and he just did not say anything. I am homebound longtime ill cooked a nice dinner eventhough is a heatwave had some wine bottle left over from Yule. I only take small glass and even if  he prefers red he finished the white wine.Later on in a email i mention to my overseas friend about it.My friend offer to send me some flowers. I feel bit stupid but could not accept as partner disliked me having the 1 male friend. Is 38 years together not married.

PerditaPickle

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Re: He forget anniversary again..........
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2020, 07:45:08 pm »
Not the first time but is all years he forgets anniversary. I mention it and he just did not say anything. I am homebound longtime ill cooked a nice dinner eventhough is a heatwave had some wine bottle left over from Yule. I only take small glass and even if  he prefers red he finished the white wine.Later on in a email i mention to my overseas friend about it.My friend offer to send me some flowers. I feel bit stupid but could not accept as partner disliked me having the 1 male friend. Is 38 years together not married.

Aw I'm sorry to hear that, that sounds a really disappointing anniversary!   :(
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Gwen

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Re: He forget anniversary again..........
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2020, 01:58:08 pm »
Not the first time but is all years he forgets anniversary.

I feel your pain, and am so sorry.  I wanted to share what works for me most of the time, because none of the men in my life ever remember any dates, including my hubby of 35 years.  To save my heart from aching later, I remind him.  A week before I say "hey honey our handfasting anniversary is next week, what would you like to do?".   

My Dad would always need me to remind him of his anniversary.  I starting doing that after one year when I gave my Mom some roses and she started crying because I remembered and he didn't.

My son never remembers anything.  I text him to call his dad, and his sisters on their birthdays to call them.  I also remind him of his own anniversary.

Sometimes I think I should change my name from Gwen to WesternUnion LOL. 





Aster Breo

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Re: He forget anniversary again..........
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2020, 01:56:43 am »
Not the first time but is all years he forgets anniversary.

I'm sorry! I know how painful that can be.

My husband of 35 years is also one who forgets dates. Plus, he has no idea how to buy gifts or be romantic. This really hurt me for a while. And I had no idea how stressful it was for him, both to try so hard to pick out something for me and to feel like I was disappointed that he doesn't understand how to do romance.

Eventually, I learned (with help from a good friend) that different people say "I love you" in different ways. For example, some people say it in actual words and write love letters or poems, but maybe aren't good about doing their share of household chores. Other people say "I love you" by keeping the house clean and the environment comfortable for their loved one, but can't express it in words.

I'm a gift giver. I remember special occasions and I think a lot about what the person would like and how to make them feel special. That's why I expected my husband to do that.

But he says "I love you" by doing all sorts of big and little things for me. He says it when he asks if there's anything I want him to bring me from downstairs. Or when he goes to the farm stand to get strawberries every other day. Or when he does most of the cleaning because he knows the fumes trigger my migraine. Or when he helps my elderly mother with something. Or when he buys my favorite whiskey for me without me asking for it. Or a thousand other ways.

I also think there's some societal pressure happening in situations like this. Different cultures teach and enforce certain gender roles, for example. In my case, I'm a cis woman. I was taught by social indoctrination that, like the old-school Disney princesses, I'm supposed to be passive and wait for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet and take me away to a castle, where we'll live happily ever after. That definitely influenced my expectation of what anniversaries should look like.

My husband, on the other hand, wasn't exposed to those "girly" fairy tales. In addition, his family didn't celebrate birthdays or anniversaries at all, so he didn't realize until he was an adult that lots of other people do. My wanting to do special things for our first anniversary really surprised him, and he truly had didn't have a clue what to do. Meanwhile, I had no clue he didn't know, because it was so obvious to me.

Nobody taught him how to be Prince Charming. Those are learned skills, and he never learned them. As an adult, and especially after the fights we had over how he'd "ruined" another special occasion, he's now learned about these expectations that a lot of people, including me, were taught to have. But he still doesn't have those skills. Consequently, knows he'll probably screw things up, so he's terrified of even trying. That's a heavy weight for him to carry around, so I'm trying to make it lighter.

I could have chosen to keep punishing him for getting it wrong, and, in the process, making myself miserable too. Or I could have chosen - with his agreement - to try to teach him some Prince Charming tricks. But he'd still be anxious about it.

So, I decided to try a different way.  I thought that maybe another way I can say I love him is by helping him remember dates and telling him what I want for gifts.

He doesn't have to worry about missing a date, partly because he knows I'll remind him and partly because he finally programmed them into his phone calendar. Taking that pressure off seems to have made it easier for him to actually remember them himself.

And he doesn't have to stress about finding - and maybe screwing up - the perfect gift for me. A few weeks before the occasion, I send him some links to choose from. That way, there's still a little mystery because I don't know which he'll get.

Yes, I'd still rather he'd do it himself and surprise me. I would absolutely love for him to pick out a piece of jewelry for me without my help. But I understand that trying to do that would cause him incredible stress, and it's not worth it to me to force the issue.

This works for us. We've been doing it like this for years, and we've both been able to relax and enjoy all our special dates since we started this system. Unexpectedly, it seems to have helped him learn some of those skills - occasionally, he does get a present for me that's a complete surprise. I appreciate those even more, because I understand now how hard that is for him.

I don't know if your partner is the same way as my husband. But I'd encourage you to look at how he expresses his love for you, even if it's not obvious at first, and even if it's not the way you'd prefer. Maybe, like my husband and me, you'll discover that he wishes he *could* do those romantic things, but doesn't know how. And maybe you can figure out a way to help him with that.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk

[Edited to trim the quote.]
"The status is not quo."  ~ Dr. Horrible

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