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Author Topic: Family: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.  (Read 5568 times)

beachglass

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Because I know I'm going to need this starting tomorrow. I think my response this year is going to be "I'm waiting one extra year for every person who asks me."

I like kids, I might have some kids, or might not, but I'm utterly uninterested in having this discussion with anyone other than my husband, or possibly my parents (who never pester me about it, bless them).

I'd love to hear your clever responses or lend a sympathetic ear if anyone needs a safe space to vent.
« Last Edit: May 07, 2019, 01:34:56 pm by RandallS »
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Sarah

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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2013, 05:46:39 pm »
Quote from: beachglass;130790
Because I know I'm going to need this starting tomorrow. I think my response this year is going to be "I'm waiting one extra year for every person who asks me."

I like kids, I might have some kids, or might not, but I'm utterly uninterested in having this discussion with anyone other than my husband, or possibly my parents (who never pester me about it, bless them).

I'd love to hear your clever responses or lend a sympathetic ear if anyone needs a safe space to vent.

 
My response is always "I'm not, my insides don't work properly" which stops people dead in their tracks and tends to make them feel bad. Serves them right for asking such personal questions.
Knowing when to use a shovel is what being a witch is all about. Nanny Ogg, Witches Abroad

stephyjh

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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2013, 06:16:11 pm »
Quote from: beachglass;130790
Because I know I'm going to need this starting tomorrow. I think my response this year is going to be "I'm waiting one extra year for every person who asks me."

I like kids, I might have some kids, or might not, but I'm utterly uninterested in having this discussion with anyone other than my husband, or possibly my parents (who never pester me about it, bless them).

I'd love to hear your clever responses or lend a sympathetic ear if anyone needs a safe space to vent.


I love kids. I want a child so badly that it hurts. Unfortunately, aside from the medical issues I've had surrounding my fertility, I had a really painful breakup this year, and I haven't even thought about dating again. So when people ask me about kids, it breaks my heart, because I would in a heartbeat if I could.
A heretic blast has been blown in the west,
That what is no sense must be nonsense.

-Robert Burns

yewberry

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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2013, 06:37:45 pm »
Quote from: stephyjh;130798
I love kids. I want a child so badly that it hurts. Unfortunately, aside from the medical issues I've had surrounding my fertility, I had a really painful breakup this year, and I haven't even thought about dating again. So when people ask me about kids, it breaks my heart, because I would in a heartbeat if I could.


Yup.  Whether the answer is yes, no, or somewhere in the middle, it's an intensely private, potentially loaded question that people should really quit asking.

Brina

beachglass

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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #4 on: November 26, 2013, 06:39:41 pm »
Quote from: stephyjh;130798
I love kids. I want a child so badly that it hurts. Unfortunately, aside from the medical issues I've had surrounding my fertility, I had a really painful breakup this year, and I haven't even thought about dating again. So when people ask me about kids, it breaks my heart, because I would in a heartbeat if I could.


((hugs))

I think that often people who are asking are not thinking at all. They're not genuinely asking you but just mindlessly making conversation. Which is one thing if they're talking about the weather, but something completely else if they're going to poke at a situation that could be very painful. No one would casually ask, "so, how's the divorce going?" but the kid question is somehow okay.
"The further we go, and older we grow, the more we know, the less we show."  ~ Robert Smith

Melamphoros

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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #5 on: November 26, 2013, 07:37:04 pm »
Quote from: beachglass;130801

I think that often people who are asking are not thinking at all. They're not genuinely asking you but just mindlessly making conversation.

 
I still maintain that "just mindlessly making conversation" is perhaps the biggest flaw in a society like ours that seems to stigmatize introversion.  Not that I have direct experience with family members who seem to think that boundaries are trivial.

*sits back and takes notes for whenever a family member asks "So why don't you have facebook?"*


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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #6 on: November 26, 2013, 07:43:14 pm »
Quote from: beachglass;130790

I'd love to hear your clever responses or lend a sympathetic ear if anyone needs a safe space to vent.


"When I find a good recipe."

More seriously, the only time this ever came up in conversation for me, my response was, "I'm not even looking for a boyfriend, so, not even on my radar."

Medulla

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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #7 on: November 26, 2013, 08:47:51 pm »
Quote from: beachglass;130790
Because I know I'm going to need this starting tomorrow. I think my response this year is going to be "I'm waiting one extra year for every person who asks me."

I like kids, I might have some kids, or might not, but I'm utterly uninterested in having this discussion with anyone other than my husband, or possibly my parents (who never pester me about it, bless them).

I'd love to hear your clever responses or lend a sympathetic ear if anyone needs a safe space to vent.

 
I just say Maybe later and leave it at that. I don't particularly find it annoying, I think most people who ask that only ask because it sounds like a way of making small talk with someone. In my experience, people who ask this were older, and it was the norm for them to have kids when they were our ages... not to mention that having kids had a different importance for them. So they usually ask as a way of asking about our future goals and what we're doing, in a way that seems normal to them even though it can be kind of tiring.

It's a bit like when we were in our late teens and everyone asked What are you going to study at university?... I went to university but obviously not everyone that age can or wants to attend.

I only think it's annoying if it's like what happened to me once, when some people wouldn't leave me alone with the question and kept pressing for details about why and if I like children or not and if I'm going to get married and why I didn't have a boyfriend... because that's creepy and nosy!

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"When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #8 on: November 26, 2013, 09:26:07 pm »
Quote from: beachglass;130790
Because I know I'm going to need this starting tomorrow. I think my response this year is going to be "I'm waiting one extra year for every person who asks me."

I like kids, I might have some kids, or might not, but I'm utterly uninterested in having this discussion with anyone other than my husband, or possibly my parents (who never pester me about it, bless them).

I'd love to hear your clever responses or lend a sympathetic ear if anyone needs a safe space to vent.

If it's creepy or offensive, ask them why they're asking about your sex life.

Asch

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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2013, 07:45:40 am »
Quote from: maybeimawitch;130791
My response is always "I'm not, my insides don't work properly" which stops people dead in their tracks and tends to make them feel bad. Serves them right for asking such personal questions.

 
*Steals*

I'm 30, single, going through bankruptcy, and almost certainly have fertility issues (screwed up thyroid + family history) and honestly, I love kids, the way they think and see the world is breathtaking but so is a dirty diaper.

I like being the auntie.

My 'favorite' line is 'You're selfish for not having kids'. Uhm. WTF times infinity you psycho. I've only heard this from strangers by the way lolwhut.

Kylara

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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2013, 08:16:33 am »
Quote from: Asch;130860

My 'favorite' line is 'You're selfish for not having kids'. Uhm. WTF times infinity you psycho. I've only heard this from strangers by the way lolwhut.

 
Oh my, I think I would have blown up!

I do have a child, and I had him young, so I never had a lot of this to deal with, but for a while my hubby's parent's used to constantly ask when we were going to have another.  Hubby's sister-in-laws each have a bundle of kids (mostly beyond their means, and they are horrible about keeping up with the kids at holidays, so his mom has to play babysitter/cook/everything else), so it was mostly tongue in cheek, and just a little in response to either me or hubby holding whatever baby was newest or commenting on something cute it had done.

My response was always, "Never, I'll just play with everyone else's...then go home and be able to get some sleep!"

In response to the original question, I'd be tempted to say, "Why are you going to pay for them?" but I'd almost be afraid someone might say yes.
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Chabas

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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2013, 09:56:12 am »
Quote from: Asch;130860
*Steals*
My 'favorite' line is 'You're selfish for not having kids'. Uhm. WTF times infinity you psycho. I've only heard this from strangers by the way lolwhut.


I have so many more issues with people who selfishly choose to have kids they're not willing and able to take care of in a way that does justice to these children as living breathing human beings than I do with people who "selfishly" choose NOT to have children they're not willing or able to take care of.

I want kids. I hope to have them in the next few years. I'm also REALLY aware of the amount of time, energy, money, not-doing-things-I-like etc that will require to do right by those kids. I think not wanting to make that investment is a TOTALLY valid choice, and I wish people would stop pressuring people who don't want to do that to drag kids into the position of having parents who do not want to be doing this.
 
--Chabas

Catherine

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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2013, 11:03:02 am »
Quote from: beachglass;130790
Because I know I'm going to need this starting tomorrow. I think my response this year is going to be "I'm waiting one extra year for every person who asks me."

 
I think this is a great response. It tells them to back off without being confrontational. But if they're putting a lot of pressure on you, and it makes you uncomfortable, you might have to set some boundaries and be willing to enforce them.

My son is 29. He and his girlfriend, T, have been together for 9 years. They  have decided that they don't want to have kids for a variety reasons. Reasons that are none of anyone's business. For a while, people kept asking them when they were going to get married and have kids at every family function. They would try and brush it off by making jokes while basically saying NEVER!

That would get people all in a huff and they'd start asking inappropriate questions, and pressuring them more. Some people even went so far as to insist they'd change their minds. Because, you know, EVERYONE wants kids! Eventually, it became really uncomfortable. Especially for T.

I'll tell you what I told them to say. "Were not. Our choices aren't up for debate or discussion, and it's really none of your business. So please stop asking. It's rude."

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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2013, 12:45:08 pm »
Quote from: Asch;130860
My 'favorite' line is 'You're selfish for not having kids'. Uhm. WTF times infinity you psycho. I've only heard this from strangers by the way lolwhut.


You had a complete stranger say that to you?  And you didn't throat-chop 'em?
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Re: "When are you going to have some kids?" commiseration/vent thread.
« Reply #14 on: November 27, 2013, 12:49:47 pm »
Quote from: Catherine;130868
Because, you know, EVERYONE wants kids!


Yeah, what the eff is wrong with people?
We don't really have those problems (and I personally never had them, because I was adamant from an early age on, that I don't want to procreate.)

Most of our close friends are childless for different reasons too. So the no-kids situation is the normal thing around our filter bubble.

If the talk comes to this and I have to make a statement, I'll just say: it's 7 billion + humans on this planet, that's freaking enough.
\'You had to repay, good or bad. There was more than one type of obligation.
That’s what people never really understood.….Things had to balance.
You couldn’t set out to be a good witch or a bad witch. It never worked out for long.
All you could try to be was a witch, as hard as you could.\'
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