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Author Topic: Something of a paradigm shift for me...  (Read 2219 times)

Redfaery

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Something of a paradigm shift for me...
« on: May 17, 2014, 02:36:14 pm »
Hello all. I hope the weather where you are is as lovely as it is where I am?:)

I...just had a major epiphany from Sarasvati. I think She finally got a little tired of seeing me chase around notions of me being "dedicated" to Her, and following a "mission" in her name. I've just been feeling kind of lost about everything lately, but also like I know I'm at an important point with Her, since I'm graduating (just graduated today!!!:D:) and about to enter grad school to pursue a Master's degree, not to mention going abroad to Japan for the first time to pick up Japanese again.

I swore myself to Sarasvati recently, but I just had the feeling that it didn't "take." Like She didn't take it seriously? Now I think I know why. I don't think She was looking for the kind of oath I was giving. Because I think Sarasvati is my patroness, in the truest sense of the word. She chose me because I seem to fit in with the things she values. The work I want to do in my life fits Her agenda. I don't need to make my life choices about Her, because that's not the point. She's decided that She likes me and wants to look after me because the choices I've made are ones She approves of, and She wants to help me reach my goals because these are goals She finds worthwhile.

Sarasvati chose to help me because She likes me, because my ideals match with hers. I was viewing Her motivations from an entirely wrongheaded view. I was denying the fact that She (or any god, really) could choose to act in a more or less altruistic fashion, that the help a deity gives to his or her followers could itself be part of that deity's "plans." After all, doing good things for others makes ME feel really great. Why couldn't a god feel the same way?

So...I'm sorry I've rambled. I just feel a big sense of relief, weirdly enough, because I know what She is looking for in this relationship. I'm not embarrassed about swearing all the things I did. She seems to have found it somewhat endearing...like a mom listening to her kids say obnoxiously cute but ridiculously implausible things.

Anyway, thanks for listening.
« Last Edit: May 17, 2014, 02:37:47 pm by Redfaery »
KARMA: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

stephyjh

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Re: Som,ething of a paradigm shift for me...
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2014, 03:00:30 pm »
Quote from: Redfaery;147776
Hello all. I hope the weather where you are is as lovely as it is where I am?:)

I...just had a major epiphany from Sarasvati. I think She finally got a little tired of seeing me chase around notions of me being "dedicated" to Her, and following a "mission" in her name. I've just been feeling kind of lost about everything lately, but also like I know I'm at an important point with Her, since I'm graduating (just graduated today!!!:D:) and about to enter grad school to pursue a Master's degree, not to mention going abroad to Japan for the first time to pick up Japanese again.

I swore myself to Sarasvati recently, but I just had the feeling that it didn't "take." Like She didn't take it seriously? Now I think I know why. I don't think She was looking for the kind of oath I was giving. Because I think Sarasvati is my patroness, in the truest sense of the word. She chose me because I seem to fit in with the things she values. The work I want to do in my life fits Her agenda. I don't need to make my life choices about Her, because that's not the point. She's decided that She likes me and wants to look after me because the choices I've made are ones She approves of, and She wants to help me reach my goals because these are goals She finds worthwhile.

Sarasvati chose to help me because She likes me, because my ideals match with hers. I was viewing Her motivations from an entirely wrongheaded view. I was denying the fact that She (or any god, really) could choose to act in a more or less altruistic fashion, that the help a deity gives to his or her followers could itself be part of that deity's "plans." After all, doing good things for others makes ME feel really great. Why couldn't a god feel the same way?

So...I'm sorry I've rambled. I just feel a big sense of relief, weirdly enough, because I know what She is looking for in this relationship. I'm not embarrassed about swearing all the things I did. She seems to have found it somewhat endearing...like a mom listening to her kids say obnoxiously cute but ridiculously implausible things.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

 
I had a similar thing from Aengus a few months ago, in which I realized that I had completely missed the point on three years of work. Those light bulbs are amazing, aren't they?
A heretic blast has been blown in the west,
That what is no sense must be nonsense.

-Robert Burns

RuachHaKodesh9

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Re: Something of a paradigm shift for me...
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2014, 03:25:22 pm »
Quote from: Redfaery;147776
Hello all. I hope the weather where you are is as lovely as it is where I am?:)

I...just had a major epiphany from Sarasvati. I think She finally got a little tired of seeing me chase around notions of me being "dedicated" to Her, and following a "mission" in her name. I've just been feeling kind of lost about everything lately, but also like I know I'm at an important point with Her, since I'm graduating (just graduated today!!!:D:) and about to enter grad school to pursue a Master's degree, not to mention going abroad to Japan for the first time to pick up Japanese again.

I swore myself to Sarasvati recently, but I just had the feeling that it didn't "take." Like She didn't take it seriously? Now I think I know why. I don't think She was looking for the kind of oath I was giving. Because I think Sarasvati is my patroness, in the truest sense of the word. She chose me because I seem to fit in with the things she values. The work I want to do in my life fits Her agenda. I don't need to make my life choices about Her, because that's not the point. She's decided that She likes me and wants to look after me because the choices I've made are ones She approves of, and She wants to help me reach my goals because these are goals She finds worthwhile.

Sarasvati chose to help me because She likes me, because my ideals match with hers. I was viewing Her motivations from an entirely wrongheaded view. I was denying the fact that She (or any god, really) could choose to act in a more or less altruistic fashion, that the help a deity gives to his or her followers could itself be part of that deity's "plans." After all, doing good things for others makes ME feel really great. Why couldn't a god feel the same way?

So...I'm sorry I've rambled. I just feel a big sense of relief, weirdly enough, because I know what She is looking for in this relationship. I'm not embarrassed about swearing all the things I did. She seems to have found it somewhat endearing...like a mom listening to her kids say obnoxiously cute but ridiculously implausible things.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

 
Again, congrats on your graduation. :-)

Why would there be any shame in what you swore to Her? It doesn't seem like there need be? I rejoice with you in your relief, now that you're freer(?) in this new knowledge! :-) All the best.
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Redfaery

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Re: Something of a paradigm shift for me...
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2014, 01:06:58 pm »
Quote from: RuachHaKodesh9;147787
Why would there be any shame in what you swore to Her? It doesn't seem like there need be? I rejoice with you in your relief, now that you're freer(?) in this new knowledge! :-) All the best.

You're so kind; I really appreciate it. I think it's more embarrassment in the realization that I was clinging to a relic of my past that wasn't even from the faith of my birth.

The whole idea that GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU was never something that my parents or even my priest told me. They were more "God loves you and he understands that you have some problems." Perhaps that's why I still have a fondness for Catholicism? My own personal experiences with the clergy were characterized by their compassion and willingness to accommodate my very different needs.

And I was stuck on this idea that Sarasvati - my god - had some sort of PLAN for me. That wasn't from Catholicism. That was from the conservative, evangelical Protestants I spent my adolescence with. I'm embarrassed to admit that as much as I loathed their views of God, somehow they influenced me!

Sarasvati doesn't have a plan for me. She likes the plans I have FOR MYSELF. If that makes sense?
« Last Edit: May 19, 2014, 01:08:04 pm by Redfaery »
KARMA: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Emma Eldritch

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Re: Something of a paradigm shift for me...
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2014, 01:50:22 pm »
Quote from: Redfaery;147964
You're so kind; I really appreciate it. I think it's more embarrassment in the realization that I was clinging to a relic of my past that wasn't even from the faith of my birth.

The whole idea that GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU was never something that my parents or even my priest told me. They were more "God loves you and he understands that you have some problems." Perhaps that's why I still have a fondness for Catholicism? My own personal experiences with the clergy were characterized by their compassion and willingness to accommodate my very different needs.

And I was stuck on this idea that Sarasvati - my god - had some sort of PLAN for me. That wasn't from Catholicism. That was from the conservative, evangelical Protestants I spent my adolescence with. I'm embarrassed to admit that as much as I loathed their views of God, somehow they influenced me!

Sarasvati doesn't have a plan for me. She likes the plans I have FOR MYSELF. If that makes sense?

 
I don't think you need to feel embarrassed. For one thing, nobody exists in a vacuum; being influenced by others as you grow up is entirely natural. Even if you disagree or hate it, if you spend hours upon hours hearing something at least part of it will be absorbed in some way.

Secondly, I think it's understandable why you would want there to be a bigger plan laid out. I mean, here you are, just graduated (congratulations) and about to embark on a new phase in your life. The idea that something or someone has this shit mapped out for you is comforting. So if anything, don't be embarrassed - be proud that you can accept responsibility for your own path. You're doing good!

And yes, the idea that Sarasvati approves but does not lay down the actual path makes sense.

veggiewolf

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Re: Som,ething of a paradigm shift for me...
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2014, 12:04:49 pm »
Quote from: stephyjh;147784
I had a similar thing from Aengus a few months ago, in which I realized that I had completely missed the point on three years of work. Those light bulbs are amazing, aren't they?

 
ARGH.  I hate it when that happens.
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Eating Monsters - my mental health blog

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Redfaery

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Re: Something of a paradigm shift for me...
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2014, 06:26:21 pm »
Quote from: Redfaery;147776
I...just had a major epiphany from Sarasvati.

 
Aaaand here's another one. I just got smacked in the face with the Mahayana.... I think I'm Buddhist. Now I know why Sarasvati kept going "nope, just move on" whenever I tried to look up Her worship by Hindus. It's more than just that I filter her through the Buddhist lens, I am Buddhist.

Well, something like it. Right now I'm going with Eclectic Mahayanish Buddho-Pagan.
KARMA: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

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