In Need of a Reality Check

[Shine]

So, lately, my spiritual life has turned upside down. I feel like I'm going crazy. Mundane stresses aren't helping, either. Ultimately, I know only I can make the judgment call, but I could use some outside opinions.

It all started with Hinduism. Lately, it's been a huge draw for me. As in, Bast appearing as Durga, then Atum appearing as Brahma (then freakin' Shiva), etc. I even had a rather upsetting dream related to it. Much as I've tried, I can't just stay the course with Kemeticism. Hinduism is wonderful; don't get me wrong. It's just. . . I don't want to go as far as my spicy brains seem to want me to.

Soon after the dream, I found myself afraid of my gods--afraid enough that I blocked them out as much as possible, stopped meditation, and I've even been skipping morning devotions. There's this creeping, itching force in the back of my brain that tries to assert itself when it's quiet. It imposes itself on silence. It is a force that tells me something's wrong. Sometimes it sounds like a voice. (Which doesn't help, since it leads to thoughts like, "dear goddess, am I a schizophrenic?")

I usually feel fine during the day, until I turn my mind toward spiritual pursuits. This is difficult for me, because it used to be devotions, meditation, and the like were rewarding. Now they're terrifying and maddening. It's gotten to the point where I wonder if I should give up now while I still feel I can. You guys, I can't even pick up the freakin' Wisdom Texts at this point.

It occurs to me that Bast might not be happy with the fact I've stopped morning devotions (she's used to getting, at the least, libations and breakfast almost every morning. And she's always been very good at sending bau to whack me over the head when I'm bad.) It also occurs to me that maybe the stress from mundane life is getting transferred to spiritual life.

But what do you think?

[Tana]

But what do you think?

OK, what I am about to say is coming from personal experience only.
Since I don't know you at all, I can't analyse your situation. Still some things you said sound familiar.

First of all:
Oh yes, this all can be stress triggered.
Second:
I had a time in my life, where I would wake up with the feeling of threat, walk through the day with the certain feeling that something awful would happen and went to bed totally exhausted. Anything could trigger those bad feelings into anxiety attacks, spiritual stuff, random shit someone said...

I found out, that it runs in the family, kinda and I got over it - after a lot of work.
Stress can trigger strange things in our brains.

My advice would be: check out the mundane things first, does depression, anxiety, fixed thoughts anything like this, have a history in your family? What helped me tackle it, was finding out about the symptoms and recognizing them in myself - realizing that millions of people have to deal with it, put it in a proportion. (Still felt horrible, but logic is your friend.)

If spiritual activity triggers you, step back. You will be of no use to your gods, if you lie there twitching as a nervous wreck.

I hope you can figure it out and find a way to be better.

[Gilbride]

It is a force that tells me something's wrong.

I would definitely trust a feeling like that. But it also sounds to me like these are manifestations of the presence of power. Possibly power that is turning dark or wild because it's dammed-up. Have you tried asking Bast what you should do?

[SPhoenix]

It all started with Hinduism. Lately, it's been a huge draw for me. As in, Bast appearing as Durga, then Atum appearing as Brahma (then freakin' Shiva), etc. I even had a rather upsetting dream related to it.

 
I think you've answered your own question here.

When I was young, I had a vision in which I walked with "god" (that's what I call It, the Divine, if you prefer). God basically told me that, the true desire of God isn't that you call It by the right name or gender... the true desire of God is that you CALL.

I believe, and this is JUST MY TAKE ON IT, that you have reached the limit of what you can learn from Bast by calling her Bast. Now it's time to learn more about your Gods and Goddesses from another tradition. It's still the same essence, but it's time to expand your view of them.

My daughter calls me Mommy. My husband calls me Honey. My in-laws call me by my first name. The neighbor's kids call me Mrs. I am still the same person, but each of these people knows me in a different way. They see sides of me others don't, and they don't see sides of me that others do.

Perhaps you are called now to Hinduism because it's the next step in getting to know another side, aspect, or area of your God/desses.

You're being told that 'this is wrong' perhaps because you are staying stuck in the same rut and not listening when Bast is saying, "So, my dear, it's time to learn about another aspect of Me."

I know that many feel that you must pick something and stick with it forever. But I believe beyond the shadow of all doubt that ALL religions contain truth, but NO religion contains ALL OF IT.

You are being strongly encouraged to find the truths in Hinduism, and from what I can tell, your Kemetic gods are 1,000% on board with that.

Again. You must keep in mind that this is just my opinion, and what I'm picking up from what you're saying and what I sense. Please don't take anything here as an admonishment or any insinuation that you're doing something wrong. I'm just giving opinion, and you know what they say about opinions and rumps.

[HeartShadow]

So, lately, my spiritual life has turned upside down. I feel like I'm going crazy. Mundane stresses aren't helping, either. Ultimately, I know only I can make the judgment call, but I could use some outside opinions.

It all started with Hinduism. Lately, it's been a huge draw for me. As in, Bast appearing as Durga, then Atum appearing as Brahma (then freakin' Shiva), etc. I even had a rather upsetting dream related to it. Much as I've tried, I can't just stay the course with Kemeticism. Hinduism is wonderful; don't get me wrong. It's just. . . I don't want to go as far as my spicy brains seem to want me to.

Soon after the dream, I found myself afraid of my gods--afraid enough that I blocked them out as much as possible, stopped meditation, and I've even been skipping morning devotions. There's this creeping, itching force in the back of my brain that tries to assert itself when it's quiet. It imposes itself on silence. It is a force that tells me something's wrong. Sometimes it sounds like a voice. (Which doesn't help, since it leads to thoughts like, "dear goddess, am I a schizophrenic?")

I usually feel fine during the day, until I turn my mind toward spiritual pursuits. This is difficult for me, because it used to be devotions, meditation, and the like were rewarding. Now they're terrifying and maddening. It's gotten to the point where I wonder if I should give up now while I still feel I can. You guys, I can't even pick up the freakin' Wisdom Texts at this point.

It occurs to me that Bast might not be happy with the fact I've stopped morning devotions (she's used to getting, at the least, libations and breakfast almost every morning. And she's always been very good at sending bau to whack me over the head when I'm bad.) It also occurs to me that maybe the stress from mundane life is getting transferred to spiritual life.

But what do you think?

 
I'm thinking your brain is fucking with you.  And yes, this happens.  especially when you've got a ton of mundane stress to mess with you.  If you're thinking about gods, they'll join the parade of weirdness in your dreams.

Take a step back, by all means.  Try to figure out what the heck is going on.  And just pray.  Offer water.  Ask for some guidance.

Even if there is a push towards Hinduism, you can always say no.  You can always back away.  And maybe there's something there to investigate.  Doesn't mean you have to go Hindu - just maybe there's a piece there you need to look at, or from a different angle.

Good luck.

[Shine]

My advice would be: check out the mundane things first, does depression, anxiety, fixed thoughts anything like this, have a history in your family? What helped me tackle it, was finding out about the symptoms and recognizing them in myself - realizing that millions of people have to deal with it, put it in a proportion. (Still felt horrible, but logic is your friend.)

aaaaand

I'm thinking your brain is fucking with you. And yes, this happens. especially when you've got a ton of mundane stress to mess with you. If you're thinking about gods, they'll join the parade of weirdness in your dreams.

 
Thanks to both of you.

Depression and anxiety does run in my family. I used to have severe depression before I met Bast, but now I only have "attacks".

I read up on symptoms of anxiety/panic attacks and I have at least a few of the symptoms. Especially the mental aspects. So I've been able to sort everything into three "piles", if you will: the stuff that's definitely anxiety (about half of it); things that could be either-or (about a quarter of it); and the stuff that's related to someone trying to poke me in the brain (another quarter).

The only thing about the dream that bothers me is it came after I asked Bast for clarity. I remembered 99% of it, including what was said, which is so unusual for me.

[Shine]

I believe, and this is JUST MY TAKE ON IT, that you have reached the limit of what you can learn from Bast by calling her Bast. Now it's time to learn more about your Gods and Goddesses from another tradition. It's still the same essence, but it's time to expand your view of them.

It wouldn't surprise me, especially since I've started to frame aspects of my relationship with Bast in terms of other traditions. (Bhakti, being the main one.) Same thing with a lot of other gods I work with.

Again. You must keep in mind that this is just my opinion, and what I'm picking up from what you're saying and what I sense. Please don't take anything here as an admonishment or any insinuation that you're doing something wrong. I'm just giving opinion, and you know what they say about opinions and rumps.

 
Thanks for your help. :3

If I can control the anxiety attacks this seems to be triggering (or at least see past them), then maybe a lesson is hanging around here somewhere. Saying no to Hinduism hasn't worked, so might as well keep an open mind and start poking around.

[SPhoenix]

Saying no to Hinduism hasn't worked, so might as well keep an open mind and start poking around.

 
I'm just thinking that maybe you're creating more distress and fear for yourself by resisting it, than you would by just going ahead with it.

I can frequently be heard telling my daughter to choose the path that brings the most happiness of the ones available. Sometimes, nothing feels like "oh yeah, super joy joy!" but, of the choices you have, you can decide to take the path of least pain... or, conversely, the greater happiness.

If I ask my daughter to clean her room, she can: A. make a big stink and waste a bunch of time and be miserable the entire time... and STILL have to clean it; or B. clean it up real quick and move on

So perhaps, with all the aggravation and misery in your life otherwise right now, the answer might be to reach for the choice that has the most potential for happiness (or contributes the LEAST to your general stress level).

I know that's a pragmatic approach to spirituality, but at the end of the day, you have to care for your body and mind or they just trickle right on up to the spiritual and it all goes to heck.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you find the path that offers the most potential for happiness and peace.

[darkwhispersdale]

So, lately, my spiritual life has turned upside down. I feel like I'm going crazy. Mundane stresses aren't helping, either. Ultimately, I know only I can make the judgment call, but I could use some outside opinions.

It also occurs to me that maybe the stress from mundane life is getting transferred to spiritual life.

But what do you think?

Strangely enough I had a similar experience last year that always occured whenever it was my turn for Cill Keeping. I would constantly worry about money, my car and have continuous nightmares and be easily stressed all day. I've managed to resolve it now as my old car had it and I had to buy a new one. On the bright side I look forward to Cill Keeping and not get that awful feeling of dread everytime it approaches. I tend to find that I can't keep my mundane life separate from the spiritual life so a problem in one always spills into the other.