Feeling Disconnected

[SunflowerP]

Hmm, then I'm probably a good test subject to confirm cross-platform functionality.

 
Test subject report:  it works fine!

Sunflower

[Oaksworn]

Test subject report:  it works fine!

Glad to hear it, Sunflower.  I'm happy to send the files along to anyone else if they want a copy.


Back to the OP, how are you doing, rocquelaire?  I realize I unintentionally derailed the conversation here.  My apologies for that.  Are you doing any better?

[rocquelaire]

Back to the OP, how are you doing, rocquelaire?  I realize I unintentionally derailed the conversation here.  My apologies for that.  Are you doing any better?

Nothing to apologise for at all! In fact, I'd like a copy if that too if you don't mind. I'll send a PM with my e-mail address.

I've been unwell again for the last 2 weeks. I guess my system must be run down or something. However, it has given me a bit of time to reflect. I think part of the problem for me is that I feel so unworthy of Brighid's attention that I'm maybe blocking Her out a bit myself. I think maybe I need to cut myself some slack. Easier said than done though!

A friend drew me a beautiful picture of a fire over a well that I'm going to put on my desk along with my flameless candle so I'm hoping that will help to keep me mindful. My next shift starts on Friday and I plan to spend some of the time making prayer beads for the exchange. That's got to be a good way to connect with Her.

I made a bracelet and earrings that remind me of Her and I've been wearing those a lot which seems to be helping a bit.

I'm struggling a bit with prayer just now. I feel like whenever I speak to Her I'm not sure what to say. Or why She would want to hear it.

All of this might tie in to a general ... I don't know, identity crisis? (that's not quite right but I can't think of another way to describe it) that I'm going through just now. I'm approaching a point where I have to decide what comes next for me and I don't know what that is. So maybe my disconnection from Brighid is part of that.

Anyway, thanks for "listening" to all this. It really helps to know that I can talk to people who understand.

[Oaksworn]

I think part of the problem for me is that I feel so unworthy of Brighid's attention that I'm maybe blocking Her out a bit myself. I think maybe I need to cut myself some slack. Easier said than done though!

I've tried several times now to write a coherent response and I keep tripping over myself.  I believe the essence of what I'm trying to communicate is simply that we have a skewed perspective of our god/dess'es.  We're like little kids holding a parent's hand and looking  w a y  up at them.  When we can't hear Their voice we get a little scared.  That's ok, it's natural.  What we don't need to do is question our worth.  They may have simply stepped into another room for a moment.  I seriously doubt They waste time on those They deem unworthy.  They can see far more of us than we would probably like to admit - and They still reached out.

It takes two to have a relationship and make no mistake being thwapped, having a patron, being devoted - it's all a relationship.  Try treating Them, in your case Brighid, the same way you would treat your very best friend.  You would do anything for your best friend - no questions asked, no reason needed and you wouldn't question your self worth if they didn't talk to you for a week.  I'd suspect that you'd probably be concerned if they were ok, call them up and invite them over for coffee or out to lunch.

I realize that this kinda throws the paradigm on it's ear and it probably won't work for everyone - either thwapped or thwapper but it's how I approach my relationship with Epona.  I freely admit, there are times I'm better at this than others.  I'm coming out of a period where I was really wrapped up in physical life.  I didn't have much left over for anything.  It's one of the reasons I was absent from TC for so long.  I still have a dearth of spoons but I'm working on it.  Journey of a thousand miles and all that.  During this period of distraction it was really hard to remember that there was supposed to be a Voice there much less actually hear it.

I fell in love with the music genre called Vocal Trance a number of years ago.  About three years back I came across a song titled: Light The Skies by Cerf, Mitiska & Jaren.  You can find examples on YouTube.  As far as it goes the lyrics are rather simplistic but they really caught my attention:

And if you only knew
Just how much the sun needs you
To help him light the skies,
You would be surprised.

The refrain is repeated throughout the song (Yeah, it's more of a dance club mix).  The song made me wonder, though, "What if They need us as much as we need Them?"  So, I don't worry so much anymore about whether I'm worthy of Epona.  I'm more curious as to, "Why me?" but I've come to suspect that there are depths to the relationship that I'm only beginning to get glimpses of.

She Choose me.  Flaws and all.  I return that with faith that one day I'll understand why.  In the meantime, I'm grateful that I can occasionally hear Her Voice and I give Her my friendship.

[Aster Breo]

 
That was a beautiful post, Oaksworn.

It made me realize how much I've missed your perspective.

~ Aster

[rocquelaire]

I've tried several times now to write a coherent response and I keep tripping over myself.  I believe the essence of what I'm trying to communicate is simply that we have a skewed perspective of our god/dess'es.  We're like little kids holding a parent's hand and looking  w a y  up at them.  When we can't hear Their voice we get a little scared.  That's ok, it's natural.  What we don't need to do is question our worth.  They may have simply stepped into another room for a moment.  I seriously doubt They waste time on those They deem unworthy.  They can see far more of us than we would probably like to admit - and They still reached out.
.

I think you're right about the parent/ child thing. I think I'm desperately seeking Her approval, the same way I did with my parents as a child. I almost feel like I'm going to Her and saying "Look I got an A- on my test!" and expecting Her to ask my why it wasn't an A! I'm going to try shifting the way I approach my relationship with Her to adult - adult and see if that makes a difference. As you said, She reached out to me so that suggests that I already have Her approval.  

I had a moment at work today. A friend gave me a jar she painted for me with a flame and water for me to keep my electric candle in. It was a lovely gesture from my friend but I also felt that Brighid was behind it. I could almost hear Her saying "I'm still here! You're just not listening right now but that's ok, I'm not going anywhere."  

I was trying to attach a pic of the jat but for some reason it won't upload. I'll try again later if anyone wants to see it.

[SatAset]

The kinds of things that help me with that are things like wearing symbolic jewelry and tattoos that are literally always with me and help me stay mindful of Brighid and my responsibilities to Her.  I know I use that phrase a lot, but it's something that is very important to me.  I don't want to be an "armchair Pagan" or only think about about religion on the big holidays.  I want my spirituality to be as completely incorporated into my life as possible.  I want to *live* it, not just post about it.  

For me, that means I have to find ways to keep Brighid on the top of my mind as holistically as I can.  Besides jewelry and tats (and I know many people don't like to wear jewelry and don't want tats, and that's fine), basically, I try to surround myself with little reminders.

~ Aster

I found this post extremely helpful.  

I like your idea about having little reminders in the mundane parts of your life.  Thank you.  

I just cleaned off Brighid's shrine after reading your post.  Maybe it's time I did more for Her.