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Author Topic: Cometes (a Devotional poem)  (Read 1277 times)

Castus

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Cometes (a Devotional poem)
« on: July 12, 2011, 10:38:55 pm »
Cometes
A firey tail, our eyes assails
We fall to our knees and sing your praises
"Praise, praise unto Caesar; Conquerer of Gaul!"
The oaths and solemn pleadings echo through the marble halls
When you were on the pyre, purified by holy fire, two boys appeared
"'Lo," said they "this one joins us"
And before men feared, they disappeared
Venus Vitrix gazed in pride and said "Do not be surprised; when this man dines with us!"
And the Senate, robes dark with blood, their ears still ringing with your thud
Withered, quivered. Said "It is not our fault this man is dead". And men, still mourning, forgave them.
And so the matter passed.
And then, during the games when men with shining bows took aim,
When the Sun itself went lame
A comet, brighter them them all appeared.
And men wept and cheered for seven days as the comet did it's duty
The Senate raised their heads
"This man is a God!"
   They said.


Quote
Written as a devotional poem/hymn to celebrate Day One of the Festival of Caesar. I'll really happy with how it turned out, especially since it rhymes and I usually suck ass at rhyming poems. I don't think Caesar would mind my posting this; so critique away.

SunflowerP

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Re: Cometes (a Devotional poem)
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2011, 11:59:51 pm »
Quote from: Castus;4423
Cometes
A firey tail, our eyes assails
We fall to our knees and sing your praises
"Praise, praise unto Caesar; Conquerer of Gaul!"
The oaths and solemn pleadings echo through the marble halls
When you were on the pyre, purified by holy fire, two boys appeared
"'Lo," said they "this one joins us"
And before men feared, they disappeared
Venus Vitrix gazed in pride and said "Do not be surprised; when this man dines with us!"
And the Senate, robes dark with blood, their ears still ringing with your thud
Withered, quivered. Said "It is not our fault this man is dead". And men, still mourning, forgave them.
And so the matter passed.
And then, during the games when men with shining bows took aim,
When the Sun itself went lame
A comet, brighter them them all appeared.
And men wept and cheered for seven days as the comet did it's duty
The Senate raised their heads
"This man is a God!"
   They said.

 
That's pretty good.  The noun/verb disagreement in the first line makes me twitch; how about "our sight assails" instead?  Also, "comet did its duty" rings a bit pedestrian, though I don't have any suggestions for that one (aside from removing the impostrophe, which helped a bit - "it's" is a contraction of "it is"; the possessive doesn't have an apostrophe).  "Thud" is on the pedestrian side too, but it's both apt and a rhyme.

These are small points, because you don't seem to need much critique on bigger things; you're a competent poet.  I can probably find other small points, if you want to polish/perfect it further - I'm rusty at doing that kind of detail-critique, but I used to be really good at it.  I wanted to ask first, though, because I know not everyone who has the drive to write poetry also has the drive to hone it as a craft, and those who don't have the latter can feel really picked-on when someone talks about why, f'ex, a semicolon might work better than a comma.

About rhyme:  it's not an innate talent, it's a skill that comes with practice.  I developed it myself, when I was about your age, by experimenting with internal rhyme and with more irregular rhythms, a bit like you did here - keep working with it and see what happens!

Sunflower
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