The short background:
I had a god (it feels odd to type that) reach out to me three times. Once as a child, once about seven years back and once last year. As a child I didn’t get it, seven years ago I tried recon and I couldn’t make it work for me. Last year I sort of said, “Okay, but give me some time to sort out my issues, first?” And that was what I’ve been doing for the past year: really hard scholarly and spiritual work on several levels.
Close to now:
A set of very odd events happened at the beginning of this year. I went through seven weeks of daily torment. (This is going to sound so trivial) Ever had one of THOSE days? I had seven weeks of them and by the time they (miraculously) ended I was nearly suicidal and just wrecked, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Then I woke up one day and Everything Was Different. I changed, transformed really, everything, in a way that I never thought possible. I didn’t even realize that I was doing it until it had been going on for a while. It wasn’t even intentional, it was almost as if I was acting by instinct. Or accident.
As this transformation was going on I stopped one day and said, “Okay. I’m ready. I can do this now,” to the god that had called me so many times. And I felt it was the right thing. I was finally in the right place to move forward. I had done my prerequisite work and now I could start the real work and study. So I started to move towards that. Then, surprisingly, I got the weirdest sensation/contact. He said said, “Good. You want this. Now prove it. We come together. Work with him first.” But this new god is one I am frightened of. Which says a bit, since I’m also pretty terrified of the original one. I feel like he’s sort of thrown a curve ball so to speak. I was expecting one thing and got another and I really don’t know what to do. I gave my word. I might have dismissed the whole thing had I known about both gods to begin with. They’re too dangerous, too frightening for me. I need stability, not upheaval, which is what I went through at the beginning of the year. Thing is, I think that torment was this second god’s way of contacting me. And that is really frightening.
So, I’ll keep my word, by I don’t know how to proceed. Has anyone gone through something like this where a god changes the terms of the arrangement? I’m very confused. I don’t know how to move forward. I could really use some advice.
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