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Author Topic: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!  (Read 6072 times)

Mikie

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Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« on: May 19, 2014, 10:33:40 pm »
So I have run into a small problem and I really don't know what to do about it. My Father and his side of the family are all christian, My Mother and her side are almost all Christian. My Grandmother however is Pagan. She has been such an inspiring and helpful part of my life. My mother asked me when I plan on getting "serious" about my spiritual life? I really didn't know what she was talking about at first. She went on to explain that I was raised in a a Christian home and that I need to get back to my Christian roots if I am to "save us all a lot of heart ache". I spoke with my Grandmother about this and she has been somewhat reluctant to get involved as she really would rather stay out of the families drama over beliefs, which I completely understand. I guess I'm just curious if anyone has had to deal with this, and if so... How did you do it?

stephyjh

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2014, 10:40:51 pm »
Quote from: Mikie;148033
So I have run into a small problem and I really don't know what to do about it. My Father and his side of the family are all christian, My Mother and her side are almost all Christian. My Grandmother however is Pagan. She has been such an inspiring and helpful part of my life. My mother asked me when I plan on getting "serious" about my spiritual life? I really didn't know what she was talking about at first. She went on to explain that I was raised in a a Christian home and that I need to get back to my Christian roots if I am to "save us all a lot of heart ache". I spoke with my Grandmother about this and she has been somewhat reluctant to get involved as she really would rather stay out of the families drama over beliefs, which I completely understand. I guess I'm just curious if anyone has had to deal with this, and if so... How did you do it?


First question: do you live with your family? Because that makes a difference in how to handle it. You're going to have to be a lot more diplomatic under their roof than if you're on your own.

Second question: are you willing to close off that line of questioning? Because if you're on your own and able to support yourself without them, then you have a little more ground to go "I'm not ready to discuss that with you right now."
A heretic blast has been blown in the west,
That what is no sense must be nonsense.

-Robert Burns

Mikie

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2014, 10:44:22 pm »
Quote from: stephyjh;148036
First question: do you live with your family? Because that makes a difference in how to handle it. You're going to have to be a lot more diplomatic under their roof than if you're on your own.

Second question: are you willing to close off that line of questioning? Because if you're on your own and able to support yourself without them, then you have a little more ground to go "I'm not ready to discuss that with you right now."

 
No I don't live with them anymore.

I am, guess it was a bit upsetting to here? I'd like to talk that one out, I just don't even know where to start. Also I really don't like the idea of starting that conversation and having it go south fast. I have never really seen that sort of close-mindedness from my family.

stephyjh

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2014, 10:51:22 pm »
Quote from: Mikie;148039
No I don't live with them anymore.

I am, guess it was a bit upsetting to here? I'd like to talk that one out, I just don't even know where to start. Also I really don't like the idea of starting that conversation and having it go south fast. I have never really seen that sort of close-mindedness from my family.

 
Here's how I did it. 1. Don't bother discussing it with the family members who won't get it. Like, at all. 2. Until you have a good "elevator speech" down that introduces what you do believe, what you don't, and why, and how it ties into the ethics with which you were raised, figure out a good variant on "I'm still working on finding my way/figuring out my beliefs/whatever" to use. 3. Discuss it when you're ready and when you have a good way to present what you believe, and don't get emotional.
A heretic blast has been blown in the west,
That what is no sense must be nonsense.

-Robert Burns

Mikie

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2014, 11:02:40 pm »
Quote from: stephyjh;148041
Here's how I did it. 1. Don't bother discussing it with the family members who won't get it. Like, at all. 2. Until you have a good "elevator speech" down that introduces what you do believe, what you don't, and why, and how it ties into the ethics with which you were raised, figure out a good variant on "I'm still working on finding my way/figuring out my beliefs/whatever" to use. 3. Discuss it when you're ready and when you have a good way to present what you believe, and don't get emotional.

 
Yeah I see what you're saying. I would like to have that talk with her, but i know it wont just be her. I know it is going to be a freaking family affair.

What do you mean by "elevator speech"?

SerpentineSorcerer

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2014, 11:28:19 pm »
Quote from: Mikie;148044
Yeah I see what you're saying. I would like to have that talk with her, but i know it wont just be her. I know it is going to be a freaking family affair.

What do you mean by "elevator speech"?

 
From what I've understood, and correct me if I'm wrong, elevator speech is speech that is polite, non-confrontational, and gets the point across while in being too out of left field. It's basically the kind of conversing you'd hear in a nice restaurant, civil and well-conveyed but keeps the more odd or out of the norm things down to a low roar.
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stephyjh

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2014, 11:49:09 pm »
Quote from: SerpentineSorcerer;148048
From what I've understood, and correct me if I'm wrong, elevator speech is speech that is polite, non-confrontational, and gets the point across while in being too out of left field. It's basically the kind of conversing you'd hear in a nice restaurant, civil and well-conveyed but keeps the more odd or out of the norm things down to a low roar.

 
It means, if you only have the time it takes for an elevator ride, how do you explain your point? It's concise, to the point, and matter-of-fact. Doesn't lead off into tangents, doesn't sound scattered, doesn't ramble.
A heretic blast has been blown in the west,
That what is no sense must be nonsense.

-Robert Burns

DownByTheWillowTree

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2014, 03:42:55 am »
Quote from: Mikie;148033
So I have run into a small problem and I really don't know what to do about it. My Father and his side of the family are all christian, My Mother and her side are almost all Christian. My Grandmother however is Pagan. She has been such an inspiring and helpful part of my life. My mother asked me when I plan on getting "serious" about my spiritual life? I really didn't know what she was talking about at first. She went on to explain that I was raised in a a Christian home and that I need to get back to my Christian roots if I am to "save us all a lot of heart ache". I spoke with my Grandmother about this and she has been somewhat reluctant to get involved as she really would rather stay out of the families drama over beliefs, which I completely understand. I guess I'm just curious if anyone has had to deal with this, and if so... How did you do it?

 
Unfortunately, there are many - don't get me wrong, I don't mean to offend your folks - close-minded people when it comes to something like religion.
However, I don't really talk to my parents about it. I'm still new to paganism, but I see no reason why you have to talk to them about it immediately.
And if you feel like you want them to no, there's only one way - you tell them, whether they accept it or not, and someday they'll have to... :)

SerpentineSorcerer

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2014, 09:56:53 am »
Quote from: stephyjh;148050
It means, if you only have the time it takes for an elevator ride, how do you explain your point? It's concise, to the point, and matter-of-fact. Doesn't lead off into tangents, doesn't sound scattered, doesn't ramble.

 
Ahhh, I see. Well, ya learn something new everyday :o

I'd be careful honestly. When someone asks you about when you're going to "get serious" about your faith, you aren't given an option to find your own way, even if it's in Christianity. You're being told to follow HER example, go to HER church, agree and support HER church and their politics, and to denounce any and everything that would be a different theology than the one she subscribes to.  It's been my experience that when a family member says something along those lines, there is to be no debate and if you don't follow lockstep then you're either to be converted post-haste or removed from the picture.

YMMV
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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2014, 10:56:29 am »
Quote from: Mikie;148033
She went on to explain that I was raised in a a Christian home and that I need to get back to my Christian roots if I am to "save us all a lot of heart ache". I spoke with my Grandmother about this and she has been somewhat reluctant to get involved as she really would rather stay out of the families drama over beliefs, which I completely understand. I guess I'm just curious if anyone has had to deal with this, and if so... How did you do it?

 
The thing with telling people about your religion is that it works best if you go into it with a very clear idea of what you're telling them, and why you're telling them that (and in that way.)

If what you want is for your mother to lay off telling you what to do about religion, that might have a different answer than telling her you're Pagan, for example. Even if you *do* decide to tell her, what you tell her and how might be the pieces that make sense, rather than everything.

You've said your grandmother would prefer not to have this make a big fuss in your family (which is certainly reasonable). However, your grandmother could help you sort out exactly what you want to say to your parents (she knows them, she knows the family dynamics, in ways we - random strangers on the internet - don't.) She could help you practice what you're going to say, ask the kind of questions that you think your family might ask, so that you're less likely to be taken by surprised if you tell them.

(A good friend could help with this too, obviously.)

My point is that there's more than "Tell everything" and "Tell nothing" as options here. Finally, it helps if you have a clear idea of what you'd like to get from them - so you can say, for example: "Mom, I need to talk to you about something that matters a lot to me. Can you promise me that you'll hear me out, and then when I'm done telling you, you can ask questions? I'm telling you this because it's bothering me not to talk to you about it, because I love you, but I'm also very nervous about how you'll react." That sets up your mother to understand that this is a Big Deal for you, and hopefully manage to restrain the more problematic responses for a bit.
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Mikie

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2014, 04:29:13 pm »
Quote from: SerpentineSorcerer;148082
Ahhh, I see. Well, ya learn something new everyday :o

I'd be careful honestly. When someone asks you about when you're going to "get serious" about your faith, you aren't given an option to find your own way, even if it's in Christianity. You're being told to follow HER example, go to HER church, agree and support HER church and their politics, and to denounce any and everything that would be a different theology than the one she subscribes to.  It's been my experience that when a family member says something along those lines, there is to be no debate and if you don't follow lockstep then you're either to be converted post-haste or removed from the picture.

YMMV



It feels very much like this. I know she wants to have that talk, but I can't help but feel like it's going to be a one sided talk.

Shakas

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #11 on: May 25, 2014, 07:27:27 pm »
Quote from: stephyjh;148041
Here's how I did it. 1. Don't bother discussing it with the family members who won't get it. Like, at all. 2. Until you have a good "elevator speech" down that introduces what you do believe, what you don't, and why, and how it ties into the ethics with which you were raised, figure out a good variant on "I'm still working on finding my way/figuring out my beliefs/whatever" to use. 3. Discuss it when you're ready and when you have a good way to present what you believe, and don't get emotional.

This.

There's nothing at all wrong with dispensing this sort of information on a need-to-know basis.  And if your family is like mine, with "Negative Nellies" (people who always have something critical, condescending, or disrespectful to say about what you do), their clearance level might well be nil, at least in some cases.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2014, 07:27:53 pm by Shakas »

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #12 on: May 26, 2014, 08:08:26 am »
Quote from: Shakas;148492
This.

There's nothing at all wrong with dispensing this sort of information on a need-to-know basis.  And if your family is like mine, with "Negative Nellies" (people who always have something critical, condescending, or disrespectful to say about what you do), their clearance level might well be nil, at least in some cases.

 
Yeah, staying in the broom closet (or any closet) can sometimes be a protective choice. I figure that I deserve safety and serenity, and I can't always have that if I'm out with my awesome queer/Pagan/trans self. It sucks, and I do spend a lot of time and energy being out and confronting society, but sometimes I just want to be left in peace. And that's okay!
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CailinRua

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #13 on: May 26, 2014, 06:41:52 pm »
Quote from: Mikie;148033
So I have run into a small problem and I really don't know what to do about it. My Father and his side of the family are all christian, My Mother and her side are almost all Christian. My Grandmother however is Pagan. She has been such an inspiring and helpful part of my life. My mother asked me when I plan on getting "serious" about my spiritual life? I really didn't know what she was talking about at first. She went on to explain that I was raised in a a Christian home and that I need to get back to my Christian roots if I am to "save us all a lot of heart ache". I spoke with my Grandmother about this and she has been somewhat reluctant to get involved as she really would rather stay out of the families drama over beliefs, which I completely understand. I guess I'm just curious if anyone has had to deal with this, and if so... How did you do it?

 

Ah! Families! haha, my mom is also a christian and has talked to me often about how she hopes one day ill find god and be saved. I have told her outright that i am not a christian, and that it is OK that im not. the middle ground we found isnt exactly middle ground, but i have found it to be "enough" for me, and it allows me to keep a good relationship for my family with different mindsets.

Basically i found that if i talk about my spirituality and name it, she shuts down, if i use terminology she is unfamiliar with, she shuts down. I also used to ask her a lot of questions about her beliefs, which made her defensive but it was at a time i felt i needed to justify my own believes by explaining why i didnt share hers (not effective). Now i talk more or less openly about my perspective and she accepts it, not because she is more ok with it, but because i stopped giving explanations and labels, i just speak of it as it is and try to use terminology that fits her own paradigm or have no overtly "pagan" associations. Funnily enough, i can talk to her now and she encourages my growth instead of fearing the way i chose to grow, she has said on more than one occasion that she AGREES with much of what i am thinking/saying/experiencing and is happy to see me flourishing.

I think for her that it is just a matter of association and ignorance. she doesnt know anything of paganism but associates it with witchcraft and evil, and she also cannot separate the two in her mind or understand that pagan doesnt necessarily mean witch in the first place. She has a much more black and white concept of the world than i do, and thats ok, but dancing around that has been much trial and error. Hope that helps! Now to read everyone elses replies :)

Mikie

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Re: Hey mom and dad, I'm Pagan!
« Reply #14 on: June 02, 2014, 07:48:10 pm »
Quote from: CailinRua;148579
Ah! Families! haha, my mom is also a christian and has talked to me often about how she hopes one day ill find god and be saved. I have told her outright that i am not a christian, and that it is OK that im not. the middle ground we found isnt exactly middle ground, but i have found it to be "enough" for me, and it allows me to keep a good relationship for my family with different mindsets.

Basically i found that if i talk about my spirituality and name it, she shuts down, if i use terminology she is unfamiliar with, she shuts down. I also used to ask her a lot of questions about her beliefs, which made her defensive but it was at a time i felt i needed to justify my own believes by explaining why i didnt share hers (not effective). Now i talk more or less openly about my perspective and she accepts it, not because she is more ok with it, but because i stopped giving explanations and labels, i just speak of it as it is and try to use terminology that fits her own paradigm or have no overtly "pagan" associations. Funnily enough, i can talk to her now and she encourages my growth instead of fearing the way i chose to grow, she has said on more than one occasion that she AGREES with much of what i am thinking/saying/experiencing and is happy to see me flourishing.

I think for her that it is just a matter of association and ignorance. she doesnt know anything of paganism but associates it with witchcraft and evil, and she also cannot separate the two in her mind or understand that pagan doesnt necessarily mean witch in the first place. She has a much more black and white concept of the world than i do, and thats ok, but dancing around that has been much trial and error. Hope that helps! Now to read everyone elses replies :)



This is super helpful actually! We have had this talk since I posted this and a lot of what was commented here was super helpful! This reply on the other hand was especially helpful as the talk didn't go quite as I hoped. We have talked a few times since and I decided to try it the way you said you did it helped a lot! She didn't instantly just tell me she'll pray for me and stop talking!

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