The Cauldron: A Pagan Forum

My whole life, I've felt like I'm destined for something great. I have some purpose to fulfill, some job to complete. And it's not here. So I'm ready to move. My fiance, however, doesn't want to.

Until you know what that destiny/purpose is and what you need to do to fulfill it, what's the point of moving somewhere at random -- hoping that wherever you end up will be the place you need to be?  Chances are it will not be and you'll still have that "I need to move" feeling. So why not stay where you have your life unless and until you have a specific place to go to do your bit.  Yes, you'll still feel like you need to move, but you'd likely have that feeling even if you move now as well -- since you don't seem to yet know where specifically you need to be.

How am I supposed to follow my path if I don't go anywhere? I can't move forward if I stand still, which is what I'm doing. I may not know what my destiny is or where it lies, but saying I'll stay here and wait until it finds me is kind of selfish, isn't it? "Everyone else has to struggle to find their destiny, but me? I'm just going to sit here and wait for it to find me."

First of all, I don't really believe in destiny. Not like that.

I do think that people have some Great Work to do in their life, and that it's good if we spend time on those things. (And for some people that's a profession, and for some people, that's raising great kids, and for some people that's making awesome creative stuff, and for some people, it's going to be being a really good friend and a stable point in the communities they care about. And for a lot of people, it might be more than one of those.)

But I also believe there are tons of different ways one can do that Great Work, and that the ways we do it might change in our lives.

And lots and lots of people have meaningful, happy, committed lives that involve steady work, owning houses, having kids or pets and committing to the time and attention needed to take care of them - but that also leave one tied down to one place.

And you can't have that *and* have a life where you travel all over the place randomly at a whim. (Logistical problems ahoy!)

What you could maybe have, however, is a life that allowed some flexibility, but was mostly stable - for example, I work in education, and I know more than a few people who work a 10 month contract year precisely so they can go do random awesome things on their vacations. (It means less income, but the income's stable.)

I know some people who've decided they're going to spend a year or two going and doing all the wild travelling things, and then they will settle down. (This one, however, generally works better before you start doing long-term stable things with a partner like buying a house or talking about kids seriously.)

What might help you out is figuring out exactly what it is you want out of the freedom.

For example, if it turns out that the real issue is that you dislike your current job, maybe a new job in the same place would help a lot. (Which might not be a thing you can do immediately - it might be that some additional training would help.)

If the issue is expectations (of what your relationship looks like, what potential-in-laws assume, etc.) then there's ways to renegotiate that.

If the issue is that you want more excitement in your life, maybe something like wilderness EMT training or something else of the kind related to helping in your nearest large state/national park might be an option, or volunteering or working with a youth program where dealing with unexpected things is a regular thing.

If the issue is that you have things you'd like to do and haven't had a chance yet, maybe there's a way to arrange to do that for briefer periods of time, or to look for seasonal work that would give you the freedom to be gone for a bit.

If the issue is that you're torn between wanting to settle down (which, again, buying a house sort of implies) and feeling like you're not ready yet, then that's something that might be at least partly resolved by working through what you're feeling (either on your own or with a third party like a therapist)

But at the same time, all of these possible answers are really different things - so if you want to make the best choices, figuring out what you're really looking for will help a lot.

(I do also know people who have managed to negotiate a break from settled partners, but it's generally worked best when they have a really clear idea what they want to do - like one or two specific things, not a dozen - it's time limited, and they have the resources so that them being gone is not a huge burden on the remainign partner.

Also, it generally works best if there's something of equivalent size negotiated for the partner's benefit: "I go and have six months to hike the Appalachian Trail, when I get back, you have six months in which I will do all the housework so you can work on Major Creative Project without interruption.")

That said, if you want to be away more than you want to be with your partner, that's a thing that is really better dealt with sooner than later, for everyone's long-term good. It's not kind to leave people hanging, or making long-term plans if you're not sure you're up for being there for them. (The occasional "I wish I were off doing X" is one thing - everyone daydreams. But the persistent "I can't do this life." is something totally different, and you need to figure out which side of that line you're on.)

Does anyone have any advice for me?

I think you've gotten some really solid advice so far.  But a couple of things stood out to me when I read your post.

First, and probably most pressing, it sounds to me like you're not sure about the relationship you're in. The way you talk about how different your life goals and the way you've visualized your life are from your fiance's goals and expectations raises a huge red flag to me.  It's not fair to yourself or to your fiance to proceed with a wedding if you're not truly committed to this specific marriage.  

Nobody can predict exactly where life will take them, but you can get a pretty good idea of some of it by understanding what's important to each partner.  F'ex, my husband and I both knew we wanted kids and that we wanted to continue my family's tradition of multi-generational households. Those things did not conpletely dictate our life, but they did play major roles in shaping the last 30 years and the foreseeable future.

I'd strongly suggest that you have some heart-to-heart conversations with your fiance before you walk down that aisle, and maybe consider some kind of pre-material counseling to help you work through these issues.

Second, I think there's a difference between achieving great things in your life and having adventures.  And one is not necessarily more important than the other, and they're certainly not mutually exclusive.  You say you've always felt you were destined to do great things.  What kinds of things do you mean?  As Jenett pointed out, "doing great things" can mean very different things to different people.  Are you talking about career goals?  If so, what kind(s) of work and is that work tied to a particular place?  

F'ex, you can't be a U.S. Senator without moving to Washington, at least for a while, but you can be active in local politics and get some very important things done without moving at all, or you can get involved at the state level and only move a short distance away (depending on your state).  You can't win a Tony without spending some serious time in New York, but you can do fantastic and creative work in a local regional theater or even a community theater.

(Apologies for the U.S.-centric examples.  That's what I know the most about.  But the principle holds for other places, I think.)  

The examples you gave about bar tending at the beach, etc., don't really strike me as "Doing Great Things" so much as doing mundane things in more exotic places than where you live now. It might help to think through what you want to do and where you need to be to do it.

Third, I think it's important to be realistic when you think about going somewhere new and different (and maybe exotic) to work, and to realize that you're going to have exactly the same day-to-day things to deal with regardless of where you live.  You'll still need to pay the rent, buy food, find transportation, etc.

My husband and I were recently hired to do a short-term job in Hawai'i.  It was a fantastic experience and I loved every minute of it. Hawai'i is Paradise.  But going to work in Paradise is still going to work.  We still had to get up in the morning and spend all day working.  We still had to go to the grocery store and put gas in the car and deal with traffic jams and do laundry and wash dishes.  And all that used up most of our spare time while we were working, and didn't leave much time for adventures.  Living somewhere exotic does not mean you escape all that mundane stuff.

Aisling suggested checking out volunteer programs that send you places to work for short periods of time.  That sounds like a great idea.  Have you looked into any programs like that -- like the Peace Corps, f'ex, or one of those programs that provides English teachers in other countries?  My god-daughter is spending this year in Korea teaching English and having a blast exploring and meeting new people.  Something like that might help you figure out what kinds of work, travel, and life experiences you're looking for.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it sounds to me like you *really* need to figure these things out before you make any more commitments to your fiance.  Or you're likely to end up feeling trapped and resentful.

Good luck!