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Author Topic: Nice X Don't (FK SIG)  (Read 2077 times)

HeartShadow

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Nice X Don't (FK SIG)
« on: February 21, 2013, 02:25:53 pm »
One of the biggest scripts in our society is that the people at the bottom of the social pecking order shouldn't make waves.  That protesting, that advocating, that causing trouble isn't what a good person does.

Look at how that's said.  People at the bottom shouldn't cause trouble.  What does that mean, really, for the people at that bottom?  Why do we listen to that script?  Were everyone to stop listening, it would stop working.  And yet, most people listen.  Why?

There are so many reasons we stick with social scripts, even when they hurt us.  We know what the results are if we stick with the same methods.  If we are quiet, if we are good, if we follow the rules and make no waves, we will probably be safe.  It is those that break the rules, those that refuse to listen to the script and be good that suffer.  So one by one we are afraid.  Alone, we know that if we push the rules we will suffer.

One of the strongest parts of the internet and modern living is our ability to communicate.  We have the ability to refuse to listen to those rules and band together, be more than single person by person.  

Defying the script is still dangerous.  There's always societal pressure to just be quiet, to take a crumb and stop.  Change happens, but it happens increment by grudging increment.

There's two important things to keep in mind.  One: society never changes quickly and safely.  It can be mostly safe or it can be fast, but both is unlikely.  Two: Even when people know the script is wrong, changing it is difficult.  Good people that know better still slip into the script, simply because it is a script.  We think that something is wrong and respond that way, even if our logic says otherwise.

Changing a social script is hard work, and it takes time.  The best people with the best intentions will resist changing things too quickly, too radically.  There are always ramifications that can't be seen ahead of time, and those people not hurt by the script want those ramifications to change slowly.  To stay in some kind of control of the change, instead of it just happening all at once.  To just keep things from being too uncomfortable.

Cultural scripts change, and we need to be willing to change them when they're wrong.  But we also need to recognize that the script does have a purpose, and that many people on every side will find the security of the script better than the chaos of change.  Even if we know the change is the right idea, that doesn't make it safe.  And when it comes down to it, challenging our own safety is hard for everyone.

Prompt: what cultural scripts need changing in your life?  How do you cope with that?  What are the dangers?

Jack

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Re: Nice X Don't (FK SIG)
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2013, 03:44:38 pm »
Quote from: HeartShadow;97369
Prompt: what cultural scripts need changing in your life?  How do you cope with that?  What are the dangers?

 
I have a hard time separating cultural scripts from social scrupulosity, since the latter feeds off the former. The cultural scripts about what "success" looks like, and how you need to keep your head down while you look for it, are the ones I run up against most often. I don't have a lot of cope, though, just the ways I sort through my anxiety.

I run up against gender scripts a lot, in the liminal space I'm currently in. People project female scripts onto me and I'm not always sure how to react. Fighting back is hard in the short term, but increases my dysphoria in the long term, so I have to find a middle ground between what's comfortable in the moment and what works in the long term.
Hail Mara, Lady of Good Things!
"The only way to cope with something deadly serious is to try to treat it a little lightly." -Madeleine L'Engle

Jack

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Re: Nice X Don't (FK SIG)
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2013, 04:08:43 pm »
Quote from: Jack;97386
but increases my dysphoria in the long term


Sorry, that should say 'decreases'.
Hail Mara, Lady of Good Things!
"The only way to cope with something deadly serious is to try to treat it a little lightly." -Madeleine L'Engle

Nekomata

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Re: Nice X Don't (FK SIG)
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2013, 10:10:38 am »
Quote from: HeartShadow;97369
One of the biggest scripts in our society is that the people at the bottom of the social pecking order shouldn't make waves.  That protesting, that advocating, that causing trouble isn't what a good person does.

Look at how that's said.  People at the bottom shouldn't cause trouble.  What does that mean, really, for the people at that bottom?  Why do we listen to that script?  Were everyone to stop listening, it would stop working.  And yet, most people listen.  Why?

There are so many reasons we stick with social scripts, even when they hurt us.  We know what the results are if we stick with the same methods.  If we are quiet, if we are good, if we follow the rules and make no waves, we will probably be safe.  It is those that break the rules, those that refuse to listen to the script and be good that suffer.  So one by one we are afraid.  Alone, we know that if we push the rules we will suffer.

One of the strongest parts of the internet and modern living is our ability to communicate.  We have the ability to refuse to listen to those rules and band together, be more than single person by person.  

Defying the script is still dangerous.  There's always societal pressure to just be quiet, to take a crumb and stop.  Change happens, but it happens increment by grudging increment.

There's two important things to keep in mind.  One: society never changes quickly and safely.  It can be mostly safe or it can be fast, but both is unlikely.  Two: Even when people know the script is wrong, changing it is difficult.  Good people that know better still slip into the script, simply because it is a script.  We think that something is wrong and respond that way, even if our logic says otherwise.

Changing a social script is hard work, and it takes time.  The best people with the best intentions will resist changing things too quickly, too radically.  There are always ramifications that can't be seen ahead of time, and those people not hurt by the script want those ramifications to change slowly.  To stay in some kind of control of the change, instead of it just happening all at once.  To just keep things from being too uncomfortable.

Cultural scripts change, and we need to be willing to change them when they're wrong.  But we also need to recognize that the script does have a purpose, and that many people on every side will find the security of the script better than the chaos of change.  Even if we know the change is the right idea, that doesn't make it safe.  And when it comes down to it, challenging our own safety is hard for everyone.

Prompt: what cultural scripts need changing in your life?  How do you cope with that?  What are the dangers?

 
Two specifically come to mind, the first one I'm not positive applies but: the concept of the 101 information being taught/accepted as legit? I can't really do anything to "cope" with that since I'm just coming out of it myself- but I will do my best to help the people I know be aware of the inaccuracy of it. The dangers of me changing to the less "mainstream" would be people viewing it as "less harmless" or me as arrogant for trying to let them know about other options.

The other script would be the "marriage for love". My family and friends all talk about marriage by terms of the purely emotional end of things. But I picked my husband for stability and practical reasons. I do care for him but many people seem to think that's the only reason you should marry.  I don't think it needs to end as a script but it shouldn't be such A rigid assumption.  I cope with people assuming by explaining it as best I can that I didn't choose him for some overwhelming sense of love.  The dangers of explaining are more assumptions and possibly some people thinking that's wrong of me to do.
"It starts with reading books through your butt, then it goes to speaking through your butt, then your head gets stuck up your butt and then help is needed to pull it out"- Neteruhemta

"Ah, quiet insular communities. There\'s always something nasty going on behind closed doors. I hope it involves chains. I hope they ask me to join in."- Zevran Arainai

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