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Author Topic: Self Love  (Read 3139 times)

Fier

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Self Love
« on: September 03, 2012, 11:13:44 pm »
How does one go about cultivating self love? Do they make a list of their talents? Count their blessings?

Is it better for them to learn to accept themselves for who they are or fix the things they don't like?

How do you cope with the things you don't like about yourself?

Laveth

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Re: Self Love
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2012, 11:28:46 am »
Quote from: FierFlye;72299
How does one go about cultivating self love? Do they make a list of their talents? Count their blessings?

Is it better for them to learn to accept themselves for who they are or fix the things they don't like?

How do you cope with the things you don't like about yourself?

 

Usually begins with understanding personality characteristics, then appreciating how far I've come since X amount of years ago.

Both. Accept the things you can't change, and try to improve upon the things that you can.

Most of the things I ever disliked about myself I have either been able to improve upon, or have become less and less annoying as time went on. For example, I used to wish I was curvier for... the better part of the last decade or 2. Only in the last few months have I come to appreciate that I'm not that curvy (which means I have different fashion options, can pull off different looks that the curvier girls can't, etc...).

You just begin to see the positive after you've identified the 'problem points.'

HeartShadow

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Re: Self Love
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2012, 06:51:45 am »
Quote from: FierFlye;72299
How does one go about cultivating self love? Do they make a list of their talents? Count their blessings?

Is it better for them to learn to accept themselves for who they are or fix the things they don't like?

How do you cope with the things you don't like about yourself?

 
I've been wrestling with this one since I saw it yesterday.

There isn't a one-size fits-all answer here, unfortunately.  Unsurprisingly, but unfortunately.

As far as fixing things you don't like or accepting them - both/either, depending.  If what you don't like is unfixable, like being short, there's not much BUT to accept it.  Or lack of drawing ability, or depression, or a host of other things.

As far as embracing the good- I don't like the counting blessings or list of positives, because it always sounds like a competition to me.  It's not what you have, it's what you do with it.  I think that deliberately embracing a positive - spending time with a loved one, working on a project that fills a creative need, that sort of thing - does a lot more than a dry list of positives.

It's not about the numbers - it's about the time.  If our time is spent on emptiness, then we only HAVE emptiness.  Spend it on things that make you feel full.

veggiewolf

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Self Love
« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2012, 09:05:48 am »
Quote from: FierFlye;72299
How does one go about cultivating self love? Do they make a list of their talents? Count their blessings?

Is it better for them to learn to accept themselves for who they are or fix the things they don't like?

How do you cope with the things you don't like about yourself?

I've never put much stock in counting blessings.  However, I do find that exercises to battle my inner critic help me like myself more.  I hear what the negative voices are saying, and then pick each statement apart to get to the base truth.  From that base truth, I can figure out if I need to work on something or if I am fine as I am.

Monster work has also helped me like myself more as I handle each lurking part of me and accept it for what it is.
Fluid Morality - my spiritual blog
Eating Monsters - my mental health blog

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ferretowner96

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Self Love
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2012, 02:22:13 pm »
Quote from: FierFlye;72299
How does one go about cultivating self love? Do they make a list of their talents? Count their blessings?

Is it better for them to learn to accept themselves for who they are or fix the things they don't like?

How do you cope with the things you don't like about yourself?

For me, I always struggled with self love from the day I was sexually abused. It made me feel like shit. How I did learn self love was getting good at something (banjo). I would play for friends and people who came over. They liked the music and it helped me like myself.

For the question about accepting or fixing, I think it is a bit of both. I work on what I can (try to lose weight, go to a counselor for help with my sexual abuse) and accept the things I cannot change (my personality for instance, as I have always been quirky and have just came to terms with accepting it). It is hard to do, accepting ourselves, in a world with always trying to improve things. We improve technology, our homes, our jobs, and it drives us nuts knowing there are some things we cannot improve/change about ourselves.

wadjet

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Re: Self Love
« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2012, 06:39:21 pm »
Quote from: HeartShadow;72610
I've been wrestling with this one since I saw it yesterday.


Me too. I opened it up to answer, stared at it a long time, and then closed it. It's something I've dealt with personally. A lot.

I think the answer is: are the "problems" actual aspects of yourself you'd like to improve, or are they self-defeating things?

The former, obviously, is absolutely. If you say, you know, I wish I was more brave, well then by all means work on being more brave! You've set a goal, worked on it, and then when you meet it you're not only rewarded with the goal but the sense of pride of accomplishment. Short example, but you get it.

But most of the time when people struggle with self-love....I am betting a nickel thing things they think need to be "changed" are....illusory. Or, missing the point.

I'm going to use weight, because it's something a lot of people can relate to. Some people say, "I need to lose weight." They do it because they know they'll be healthier and like themselves more. So they set a goal, make some changes, do some work, and hooray! They are proud of their improvements. You can see the parallels to the above example.

But other people say, "I need to lose weight." And the reason they want to do it is because they think it will make them a better person. They think "When I get there, then I can love myself, because then I'll deserve it." And this is why so many people spend so long struggling with weight-loss, never losing, or yo-yoing up and down. Because they don't get the results they expect when they lose weight and burn out.

(Won't go into my weight loss sociology rant, because that's a whooole 'nother thread.)

But anyway, this can be applied to a lot of things in people's lives. People who lack self-love think they have to change themselves into something more loveable. And that is impossible. (Because we all have inherent value simply as beings.) And so that is where "acceptance" comes in. It's not that people need to accept the negative parts of themselves, exactly, like being shy or overweight, but they need to learn to accept that being shy or overweight doesn't mean you are worthless, to accept that you are a valuable person worthy of love (and in my belief, another amazing individual aspect of Deity).

Does that make sense? I'm not awake yet.

wadjet

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Re: Self Love
« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2012, 06:46:58 pm »
Quote from: FierFlye;72299
How does one go about cultivating self love?

 
I just realized I gave a lecture and then didn't answer this question. :ashamed:

Uh, I actually have a hard time answering it. I've dealt with an eating disorder for years. I could spout to you all the things I've heard therapists say. Blah blah blah. But, uh, not sure how useful any of it is (although it probably works better for people without EDs to be honest....)

The biggest thing is to learn to stop negative self-talk. This is HUGE. You have to teach yourself to not be self-defeating. Every time you go "I suck, I'm worthless, why do I bother?" you have to train yourself to say, "No, I am valuable, I am worthy, I deserve love." It's hard to do and at first you feel really stupid and cheesy. Or like this:


But it does work. :ange:

Fier

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Re: Self Love
« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2012, 10:53:06 pm »
Quote from: wadjet;72686
I just realized I gave a lecture and then didn't answer this question. :ashamed:

 
Thanks everyone for the responses. I have been struggling with a lack of self love and self esteem lately myself. I turned 30 a month ago and for some reason since then I've been feeling very down on myself. Really nothing in my life has changed, but my perspective on some things has. I have been feeling like I've hit an age where I no longer can pass for a college student and no longer fit into that world. (I work at a university, so I'm around college students daily.) Suddenly I'm standing outside the group, feeling alone and unwanted.

I have read through everyone's responses and distilled the advice down to some bullet points. They are:

•   Appreciate how far I’ve come.
•   Accept the things I can't change, and try to improve upon the things I can.
•   Look at the benefits of my particular situation
•   Don’t count my blessings, embrace and ENJOY them.
•   Spend time on things that make me feel emotionally full.
•   Battle negative self talk.
•   Cultivate my talents.
•   Know that I am worthy of love NOW, as I am.

I have a lot of work to do. Thanks for getting me started.

Annie Roonie

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Re: Self Love
« Reply #8 on: September 05, 2012, 11:50:27 pm »
Quote from: FierFlye;72723
.



When I feel this way, I shout this, or I mumble it, or I write it somewhere I shouldn't.

I AM A FUCKING WORK IN PROGRESS, BITCHES! DEAL.

And then I go about my day. Usually I am yelling it to all the naysayers in my own head, but not always. Compassion for self with profanities is one of my favorite cocktails. Turns useless self hate words into useful words. Plus, it makes me laugh.

Been through the mill till I've known most of the cogs intimately. Your summarized bullet points from others are all very useful IMO. I've used them successfully myself.

Still, save this one too in your back pocket, and if you can, when you let it fly, punctuate with two middles flying high as you please. They are your freak flag holders. Sail that puppy boldly in your heart because it's truly awesome and badass. Sometimes a little badass is necessary to pull you out of the funks IME. Age funks especially.

Or in the words of a former student, "People gon' hate. Do something different. Set your own tone. It's your head."

Trying to remember if 30s is an age where a codicil about not hurting others in a quest for self love is appropriate to add. ... Nah. I think that one usually is a given after the 20s for most folks. You're good to motor now. :)

Waldhexe

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Re: Self Love
« Reply #9 on: September 09, 2012, 12:02:21 pm »
Quote from: FierFlye;72723
I have read through everyone's responses and distilled the advice down to some bullet points. They are:

•   Appreciate how far I’ve come.
•   Accept the things I can't change, and try to improve upon the things I can.
•   Look at the benefits of my particular situation
•   Don’t count my blessings, embrace and ENJOY them.
•   Spend time on things that make me feel emotionally full.
•   Battle negative self talk.
•   Cultivate my talents.
•   Know that I am worthy of love NOW, as I am.

This is a really interesting thread and I've taken my time to open it...

My light bulb moment with this was that it is my decision on what I focus. Do I perpetuate the old yadayada-you're not worthy I've learned from my parents or do I train my brain to sing a different song... The actual training takes a lot of practice. I often feel that I don't deserve a nice evening when I haven't done everything 100% perfect and to everybody's satisfaction at work and it's a constant effort to remind myself that I can't satisfy everyone and that most of my collegues go when their shift ends without caring about perfection...

I keep a special daily dairy for the good things in life. (Little stuff I've enjoyed today, things I've managed well.) This helps to give the good things a voice and something I can use against the constant critism of my inner critic. I don't write in it every evening, but after a while the brain gets used to the 'remember something good about the day before you go to sleep' pattern and that breaks the circle of being frustrated because nothing is done good enough...

Annie Roonie

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Re: Self Love
« Reply #10 on: September 09, 2012, 04:14:38 pm »
Quote from: Waldhexe;73133

I keep a special daily dairy for the good things in life. (Little stuff I've enjoyed today, things I've managed well.)


I think a journal like this is a good way to battle negative self talk. It might be difficult to make oneself do because the overwhelming urge to self criticize is huge, but I think it's valuable. And later on it can be rewarding to read as well.

When once in the midst of a quite self destructive bent, I put myself on what I called a thought diet. I developed 3 separate different positive narratives to run through my head when the serious self loathing began. (Pre thinking them was crucial for me because in a dark spot, no positive narratives would emerge on their own, only ones I already knew were accessible.)   The plan was to recognize that I had to stop and change thoughts for a few minutes and then run through the narratives from start to finish. By the time I was done, I no longer felt as vitriolic. Eventually, I was able to use only 2 and then 1 and then just a verbal reminder to myself to stop it.

It took at that time 30 years to build up the habit of self destructive inner narratives. So I was patient with the rewiring. I think it was more than 4 years before I could drop the thought diet (have picked it up since then when in the midst of something - nice that it can be done that way for re-enforcement). I did not think of it. I got it from some Buddhist thought-of-the-day gadget on my homepage. I think it went something like ~People routinely work out to shape up their bodies. What thoughts can you routinely have that will shape up your mind?~

But at this stage I do wish I had kept a journal of the good things too. I might not be apt to read and accept those when in the darks, but out of them, damn, that'd be very inspiring stuff. Think I might start doing that now for the future. Thanks for the idea!

TisiphoneSeraph

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Re: Self Love
« Reply #11 on: October 01, 2012, 03:08:36 pm »
Quote from: FierFlye;72299
How does one go about cultivating self love? Do they make a list of their talents? Count their blessings?

Is it better for them to learn to accept themselves for who they are or fix the things they don't like?

How do you cope with the things you don't like about yourself?

 

This is something I've been struggling with a lot lately. I think my definition and advice is different because I'm at a different stage of life right now (I'm 20 and a senior in college).

What's been difficult for me is that people often think the antidote for negative self talk is positivity and to an extent that's true but part of loving myself is accepting my thoughts and emotions as they are and moving forward from there.

Example: Every time I brought up how frustrated I was with my job to my mom, she would immediately follow with instructions to change the way I was thinking about my job, to profess to love my job and eventually I would. And I got tired of it and just told her that I wasn't going to lie to myself, that the situation was crappy, and I wasn't going to waste my energy burying my head in the sand. To stand up for how I perceived the situation, to refuse to lie to myself, those are acts of self love in my book.

Self love for me means doing what I want, what I know I need even when it flies in the face of everything else. Self love means being a little selfish, or a lot depending on what I need.

I'm realizing that while I have responsibilities I come first. And that's a big step for me.
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HeartShadow

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Re: Self Love
« Reply #12 on: October 02, 2012, 07:28:24 am »
Quote from: TisiphoneSeraph;75617


 
I feel the urge to cheer. :D:

Yes, some situations DO suck, and lying about it doesn't help!  Accepting that it's just what it is and we have to deal with it - that helps.  Bullshit doesn't, it just sticks to everything.

We should enjoy what's positive - but we shouldn't pretend everything is!  That just denies our own reality.

Sharysa

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Re: Self Love
« Reply #13 on: October 02, 2012, 03:34:21 pm »
Quote from: FierFlye;72299
How does one go about cultivating self love? Do they make a list of their talents? Count their blessings?

I'm going on the implication that "cultivating self-love" means "cultivating self-love after realizing you have a really significant lack of it," since most well-adjusted people don't actively think about it too much.

I'm very careful to make a list of talents and skills. I have lots of creative talent, but resting on that alone is a very basic, shallow kind of self-affirmation that (for me) tends to go "Well, at least I know I'm a good writer/actor."

Personally, I don't like the "qualities/traits I'm blessed with" idea because it carries so much "this is what God gave me and that's it" baggage for me. I consider myself blessed by someone's friendship without a problem, because how much of that is really in our control? Some people I've seen almost daily but don't really consider friends, while I have a couple of people that I've only recently seen on holidays and during the summer whom I will probably ALWAYS consider "best friend" level.

But being blessed with qualities brings in the implication that it's out of our control and if some deity hadn't decided to hand us whatever talent/gift we have, we'd be fucked. Or obscure at the very least, because it's usually the insanely famous people who say they've been blessed with their gifts. The way I see it, they already had the abilities/skills but were blessed with whoever noticed it.

So I focus on my abilities, habits, and skills as opposed to my personality or my talents. They're things that I can improve on or accept, as opposed to things like my appearance/personality where big changes will be very hard to pull off.

Quote
Is it better for them to learn to accept themselves for who they are or fix the things they don't like?

Both options are hard, and you need at least some level of both. But most people find it hardest to accept themselves, especially if others are causing the environment or they've had chronic mental illnesses. The former means they'll need to cope with a bad environment as well as themselves, and the latter brings the factor of "their body chemistry is messed up and they literally can't think normally" into it.

But even so, there's a point where acceptance becomes stagnation and you have to start working on changing yourself so you feel less like crap about yourself. For some people, they can start changing themselves within days; for others it takes them years to get themselves to the point where they can look at themselves without going "fuck."

For me, the difference between acceptance and stagnation tends to be "What I can't change about myself" versus "What I don't want to change."

If someone asks me to change something and I have a knee-jerk "NO" response, it's usually something I can't change like my personality or my limitations; things that receive a "BUT [insert reason]" response usually means I just don't want to change something, like my habits and comfort-zones.

And then there's the "NO I CAN'T BECAUSE" responses, which mean I've been doing something for so long that I didn't realize 1) it was bad, and 2) I could change it.

Tealdeer: Personality has to be accepted at some point, and habits usually need to be changed. Both are very, very hard, but they're possible. And if you know you have a long road ahead of you, that usually makes it easier to deal with slipping back a few steps.

Quote
How do you cope with the things you don't like about yourself?

One of my shamanistic-leaning friends said to meditate on who I was and to know that "everything you realize is okay."

I like using "I'm okay/good at/need to work on X" because it's a lot more gradual than most affirmations. Going from "I'm a piece of shit" to "I am beautiful/smart/gifted" or "I will change X" is a really jarring transition--like going from hot to freezing. For me, they feel too immediate and I can't really believe that sort of thing because I've been thinking the opposite for so long. But "I'm okay" or "I need to work on X" is a lot easier to swallow because it's just more realistic.

A lot of people tend to think coping is "feeling good about yourself," but a more realistic way to cope (especially for those with severe issues) is to "feel less bad than you did before."

Eventually there'll come a point where "feeling less bad" becomes "feeling good" because there won't be anything to feel less-bad about anymore.
« Last Edit: October 02, 2012, 03:36:30 pm by Sharysa »
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