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Author Topic: Losing Heart  (Read 2309 times)

Nymree

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Losing Heart
« on: March 11, 2017, 08:06:36 am »
Hi All,

This has become a big problem for me. I don't find any enjoyment in my path anymore. I actually just feel totally unmotivated and lost. I haven't kept up practice, I just feel so completely guilty that I haven't done anything. And I think now that this feeling of guilt is actually keeping me from practicing, because I've begun to associate negative feelings of guilt, stress and pressure with spirituality.

I'm just going to chuck my feelings out here right now, so I can get my head straight. Originally, I was very dedicated to my path. I disliked making my offerings a chore, but I found that as it was a responsibility I needed to do it, and my enjoyment shouldn't be a factor. However, as I continued my practice, making offerings and praying even when my heart wasn't in it or I didn't feel anything to give (i.e. in prayer), I made myself do it. This made me feel just empty, and sick of it in the end. I hated that I was forcing myself to do it, even though I love and respect those I was doing it for. It just felt like a chore, which killed all emotion I had. This also led to a feeling of powerlessness - I was doing it, but I didn't feel like I was, if that makes sense. My path, though mine, felt out of my control.

I then began to feel guilty for NOT doing it, which I felt every time I thought about my practice. This put me off practicing because, as I kept things up, I just felt worse. Now I just avoid it, part subconsciously I think, because I associate it with those negative feelings.

Because my practice has drifted and faded, and my attempts to take the reins in my practices has failed, I feel just lethargic. All I loved in it has gone, and I just want that beautiful feeling back; the feeling of empowerment, connectivity, and PRIDE in my work. A feeling of loving my practice.

I started doing bits of practice. Feeding birds for a deity, playing music for a deity, singing as prayer. These things I love, but there's still that horrible weight on my chest, something I feel like I just can't escape.

I should note, although everyone has work and responsibilities, I am a hard-working student active in my community, and so I have little free time. I'm constantly stressed - not considering the added pressures of my spirituality. I could never get a break, because I used to dedicate so much time to my practice, something I no longer feel that I can physically bring myself to do because of the weight it is on me - this time is now spent trying to deal with the stress that's building inside of me, and trying to get myself to practice at times.

I think another important matter is my perfectionism. I wonder sometimes if this is obsessive behaviour, or just sensitivity to the energy I am working with, but it can be exhausting. I spend probably as much time in preparation for prayer and ritual as I do in the actual acts themselves. This isn't an issue, but it IS very exhausting sometimes.

I came to this path for freedom. I came to it for happiness and to find a way to heighten my connection with and love for nature. I sought this path out originally just because I love nature, and wanted to build on that in my spiritual life. Now, I feel just tied down, and with so many expectations on myself I can hardly face my own spiritual life.

Sorry. I needed to ramble. I guess there's not much to be done here beyond me making the choice to get off my lazy behind, or give up. But it just really, really sucks.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Blessed Be,

- Nymree

hraefngar

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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2017, 09:24:12 am »
Quote from: Nymree;203591
Hi All,

Because my practice has drifted and faded, and my attempts to take the reins in my practices has failed, I feel just lethargic. All I loved in it has gone, and I just want that beautiful feeling back; the feeling of empowerment, connectivity, and PRIDE in my work. A feeling of loving my practice.

- Nymree

 
My advice is just take a break.  If it is something that speaks to your heart, you will return to it.  If not, you'll find something better to get into.  

Also, perhaps research other spiritual traditions?  I became a pagan over 15 years ago but in the intervening years I have switched various flavors of paganism/occult a few times.  I take what I learn from the previous paths and just move on, applying them to new paths.

missgraceless

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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2017, 10:29:19 am »
Quote from: Nymree;203591

Sorry. I needed to ramble. I guess there's not much to be done here beyond me making the choice to get off my lazy behind, or give up. But it just really, really sucks.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Blessed Be,

- Nymree

Don't apologize for rambling, I actually needed to hear this. I don't have any advice, but I can tell you you're not alone. I'm going through the same thing right now. The past few years have been really hard for me spiritually, and I go through phases (every few months for a couple of days) of thinking I *NEED* to practice, but it feels like such a chore I find no enjoyment like I used to.

I actually really like the idea of singing as prayer. Do you have specific songs you dedicate to your deity/ies? Or is it just whatever speaks to you at the moment? I know I pour my heart into singing in the car or shower, hahaha. I never thought of it as prayer, though.
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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2017, 10:45:28 am »
Quote from: Nymree;203591
I disliked making my offerings a chore, but I found that as it was a responsibility I needed to do it, and my enjoyment shouldn't be a factor. However, as I continued my practice, making offerings and praying even when my heart wasn't in it or I didn't feel anything to give (i.e. in prayer), I made myself do it. This made me feel just empty, and sick of it in the end. I hated that I was forcing myself to do it, even though I love and respect those I was doing it for. It just felt like a chore, which killed all emotion I had. This also led to a feeling of powerlessness - I was doing it, but I didn't feel like I was, if that makes sense. My path, though mine, felt out of my control.

 
So here's a question: why do/did you consider offerings/prayer a responsibility and obligation?

(I want to throw more words in here but I cannot make them do so I'm just going to leave it at that.)
as the water grinds the stone
we rise and fall
as our ashes turn to dust
we shine like stars    - Covenant, "Bullet"

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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2017, 10:57:12 am »
Quote from: Nymree;203591
Hi All,

This has become a big problem for me. I don't find any enjoyment in my path anymore. I actually just feel totally unmotivated and lost. I haven't kept up practice, I just feel so completely guilty that I haven't done anything. And I think now that this feeling of guilt is actually keeping me from practicing, because I've begun to associate negative feelings of guilt, stress and pressure with spirituality.

I'm just going to chuck my feelings out here right now, so I can get my head straight. Originally, I was very dedicated to my path. I disliked making my offerings a chore, but I found that as it was a responsibility I needed to do it, and my enjoyment shouldn't be a factor. However, as I continued my practice, making offerings and praying even when my heart wasn't in it or I didn't feel anything to give (i.e. in prayer), I made myself do it. This made me feel just empty, and sick of it in the end. I hated that I was forcing myself to do it, even though I love and respect those I was doing it for. It just felt like a chore, which killed all emotion I had. This also led to a feeling of powerlessness - I was doing it, but I didn't feel like I was, if that makes sense. My path, though mine, felt out of my control.

I then began to feel guilty for NOT doing it, which I felt every time I thought about my practice. This put me off practicing because, as I kept things up, I just felt worse. Now I just avoid it, part subconsciously I think, because I associate it with those negative feelings.

Because my practice has drifted and faded, and my attempts to take the reins in my practices has failed, I feel just lethargic. All I loved in it has gone, and I just want that beautiful feeling back; the feeling of empowerment, connectivity, and PRIDE in my work. A feeling of loving my practice.

I started doing bits of practice. Feeding birds for a deity, playing music for a deity, singing as prayer. These things I love, but there's still that horrible weight on my chest, something I feel like I just can't escape.

I should note, although everyone has work and responsibilities, I am a hard-working student active in my community, and so I have little free time. I'm constantly stressed - not considering the added pressures of my spirituality. I could never get a break, because I used to dedicate so much time to my practice, something I no longer feel that I can physically bring myself to do because of the weight it is on me - this time is now spent trying to deal with the stress that's building inside of me, and trying to get myself to practice at times.

I think another important matter is my perfectionism. I wonder sometimes if this is obsessive behaviour, or just sensitivity to the energy I am working with, but it can be exhausting. I spend probably as much time in preparation for prayer and ritual as I do in the actual acts themselves. This isn't an issue, but it IS very exhausting sometimes.

I came to this path for freedom. I came to it for happiness and to find a way to heighten my connection with and love for nature. I sought this path out originally just because I love nature, and wanted to build on that in my spiritual life. Now, I feel just tied down, and with so many expectations on myself I can hardly face my own spiritual life.

Sorry. I needed to ramble. I guess there's not much to be done here beyond me making the choice to get off my lazy behind, or give up. But it just really, really sucks.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Blessed Be,

- Nymree

 
Honestly, I've never really been able to do any sort of ritualized, formal devotional practice because of various hang-ups, so I've settled down into doing more spontaneous, informal types of devotional things such as dedicating actions I'm taking to my gods, or when I feel the inspiration, say what I feel inspired to say (there is also the option of silently saying it in your head if you're in a public space or have to be quiet for other reasons). I do keep a shrine/altar space and will, as I remember it, light candles and incense on it or leave offerings.

I mostly just find that it's easier to incorporate faith into my life rather than setting a separate space and time for it, though that is always an option to do in addition to instead of just one type of practice. I just haven't found what works for me as a more formal practice.

Nymree

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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2017, 12:19:12 pm »
Quote from: missgraceless;203594

I actually really like the idea of singing as prayer. Do you have specific songs you dedicate to your deity/ies? Or is it just whatever speaks to you at the moment? I know I pour my heart into singing in the car or shower, hahaha. I never thought of it as prayer, though.

 
I'm not sure where it came from, actually. I think I read somewhere some inspiring quote, or maybe someone talking about their practice or devotional ideas, and mentioning singing as a type of prayer. When I sing to the Sun or the Moon, I usually just make up a rhythm and then sing my usual prayers of thanks. I also write lyrics to instrumental music videos of YouTube, for me to sing on other occasions (like a Winter song for Yule, or a Spring song for Ostara, to name two.) I just think singing and dancing are so wonderful, I can't help but incorporate them into my practice.

I think the central part is the creativity. To me (just rolling with the idea here), when I was really into my practice, it always was the creative things that brought life to my rituals and practice. I would just dance in front of the altar in my room for fun (and because it's the only place in the house where I can do so privately - my room is tiny, and the altar is in front of the only free space I have to dance in.) I suppose I just sing what I feel I need to say, but it feels more powerful when sung.

Nymree

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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2017, 12:26:38 pm »
Quote from: Darkhawk;203595
So here's a question: why do/did you consider offerings/prayer a responsibility and obligation?

 
I'm not sure, actually. I guess I just heard that practice is really important in a spiritual path, and younger me assumed that meant I had to make regular offerings to make up for that.
Now that I look back, I suppose I assumed that the only way for me to really practice was through regular, planned offerings. However, I kind of get the feeling now that doing this controlled and regulated approach is just tying down a far more fluid and artistic process, at least for me.

I think that maybe by making it a rigid or regulated process, I was also somehow giving myself validation: sort of like, "yes, this is responsible, this is controllable, I have control of the situation and thereby can make it perfect. What a good person I must be." A subconscious drive for perfection, maybe, which is difficult to achieve when you haven't mapped everything out. Perfection, though, doesn't necessarily equal contentment or fulfillment here.

Nymree

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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2017, 12:32:58 pm »
Quote from: hraefngar;203592
My advice is just take a break.  If it is something that speaks to your heart, you will return to it.  If not, you'll find something better to get into.  

Also, perhaps research other spiritual traditions?  I became a pagan over 15 years ago but in the intervening years I have switched various flavors of paganism/occult a few times.  I take what I learn from the previous paths and just move on, applying them to new paths.


Now that you mention researching, I realize I've doing that without thinking much about it. I began researching druidry not long ago through mild interest, and although I never really fit into one spiritual faith or path, I find myself drawing from so many inspiring places. Heck, I even learn from bits of wisdom found in video games sometimes - its amazing the places you can find inspiration.

Nymree

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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2017, 12:36:07 pm »
Quote from: Tom;203597
I mostly just find that it's easier to incorporate faith into my life rather than setting a separate space and time for it, though that is always an option to do in addition to instead of just one type of practice. I just haven't found what works for me as a more formal practice.

 
I'm beginning to do the same. Little things every day seem to work better than heavy hours of work all piled into, say, the weekend. You begin to feel sick of anything, I suppose, if you're doing it for hours on end with no reprieve (unless its something you love with all your heart, of course, which if its a self-forced responsibility is often unlikely.)

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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2017, 01:48:41 pm »
Quote from: Nymree;203601
I'm not sure, actually. I guess I just heard that practice is really important in a spiritual path, and younger me assumed that meant I had to make regular offerings to make up for that.


A lot depends on what your model of practice is, yeah.  And that's something that's tricky for a lot of people.  Because there's Do The Ritual Thing for the values of ritual things that are appropriate for one's thing, but there's also...

... one of the Powers I'm particularly devoted to is, among other things, a mother goddess figure.  I have four kids.  Whenever I am doing the work of taking care of those kids - which is most of the time - I am doing her work.

I deal with creators, and I write, and I do art.  I deal with gods of possibility, and I teach.

This is praxis.

And I light candles.  And I do regular prayers.  And I do cleansings.

This, also, is praxis.  But it's not complete.
as the water grinds the stone
we rise and fall
as our ashes turn to dust
we shine like stars    - Covenant, "Bullet"

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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #10 on: March 11, 2017, 07:23:40 pm »
Quote from: Nymree;203591

I then began to feel guilty for NOT doing it, which I felt every time I thought about my practice. This put me off practicing because, as I kept things up, I just felt worse. Now I just avoid it, part subconsciously I think, because I associate it with those negative feelings.


Other people have made some good comments, but here's a few things that haven't come up yet (or that could use a little more "Me too.")

First, this thing you have here? It's a reasonably common thing. It's a thing that happens to a lot of people, especially people shifting from 'this is all shiny new and exciting' to a longer term more sustained practice that is going to have ups and downs (and is going to have to accommodate life's ups and downs.)
 
It's also fairly common for people to hit this if the practices aren't working for them, or if there are changes in living situation, or how much energy (physical, mental, emotional) they have in a given day, and so on.

The good news is that because it's a fairly common thing, there's a bunch of solutions.

The ones that work for me are:

1) Double check what ongoing promises I've made.

If you've made any, you'll need to factor those into what practices you need to continue in some form, as relevant. (Or deal with the consequences of breaking that commitment.)

My teachers in witchcraft were very careful to teach us to be very careful about any ongoing commitment, especially anything that required specific actions or prayers or tools or setting - lives change. Short term specific commitments or very flexible ones about how they're filled are usually a lot better than long term commitments to specific actions.

2) Go back to the basics

One really good piece of advice is to take everything off your shrine or altar (or wherever your 'doing ritual stuff' place is if it has stable stuff), and put stuff back on only as you use it, need it, or really wish it was there. I did this for about six months recently, and it was really good for resetting expectations.

A slightly alternate option is to look at what you have an are doing (or think you should be doing) right now, and remove one thing from that list, and from your shrine or altar, until you're back to a practice that feels fulfilling and good for you. (Sometime stopping everything and starting from nothing feels too jarring.) You can also try this by removing stuff at intervals, like one less thing a week until you're at a level you like.

3) There are lots of ways to do regular practice.

Not everyone has a daily practice. Not everyone has a daily practice that involves prayers. I discovered that doing daily prayers to the deities I particularly honour makes me feel very distant from them, and disconnected from what they want - that's totally not what I want that result to be! And it's not what they want for me! I do pray sometimes, or do ritual that is specifically about honouring them, but only when that's a thing I feel is good in that particular situation.

Most of the time, my work for and with them is about doing M'Lady's work in the world, which I do partly by going to my job and doing it as well as I can on a given day, and partly by helping people with information and knowledge in other ways and other places (here, my Seeking site, random people asking me questions...)

I have an essay about adapting practices for chronic health needs, which also tend to be practices that are not every day, lower energy, more flexible, etc. I do a lot of the oens in that essay regularly, but my big standards are:

All the time:
- My toenails are painted blue as a devotional act. It takes upkeep every week or so, but it's flexible when and how fussy I am about it. Every time I see my toes, I am reminded of M'Lady and my commitment to her.

- A visible shrine which is to the side of my most common line of sight when I'm home (diagonally in front of where my computer is). I rotate stuff occasionally, but not on any fixed schedule like seasonally.

Daily (or a bit more frequent):
- Personal energy management (centering, grounding, shielding adjustments). Usually on the fly, like at a stop light or in a couple of breaths at work, not a big separate thing (though while I was learning to do these things, they took more time)

- Checkins about energetic cleansing (I usually don't necessarily do the full energetic cleansing routine daily, but checking on whether that'd help would be a thing)

- Regular input of material that makes me think about spiritual and religious topics in ways that are good for me. This forum, a range of feeds in my RSS reader, occasional podcasts, etc. as well as books (though not everything I read is explicitly related to my religious stuff, even by broad definition) Also making choices about things I don't watch or listen to that don't serve a useful purpose or pull me away from how I want to be spiritually/ritually/religously.

- Desktop/wallpaper backgrounds on various tech devices that remind me of current spiritual goals. (Also passwords, for passwords I type frequently and have to change fairly often, like my work one.)

Less frequent:  
- Spiritually meaningful (but not necessarily obviously religious) jewelry choices, also perfume (both of which are things I'd like to do more often, but don't fit terribly well into a current schedule that involves swimming three days a week before work, when I don't want to deal with fiddly things.)

- Create and maintain playlists for current magical workings, spiritual goals, seasonal celebrations, etc. (I've actually been less happy with my implementation of this for a while, in the sense of the actual playlists, but have not yet figured out a method of redoing them I like.)

- Actual ritual, which is irregular when related to my primary personal deities and slightly more regular for seasonal stuff.

- Attending stuff that's relevant - rituals not in my usual schedule, events like Paganicon, etc.

Anyway, you get the idea about how one might build a practice that has lots of bits, but where many of those bits do not involve significant daily prayers or specific ritual actions, but there's still lots of magical and ritual reinforcement and attention.
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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2017, 11:42:20 am »
Quote from: Darkhawk;203605
A lot depends on what your model of practice is, yeah.  And that's something that's tricky for a lot of people.  Because there's Do The Ritual Thing for the values of ritual things that are appropriate for one's thing, but there's also...

... one of the Powers I'm particularly devoted to is, among other things, a mother goddess figure.  I have four kids.  Whenever I am doing the work of taking care of those kids - which is most of the time - I am doing her work.

I deal with creators, and I write, and I do art.  I deal with gods of possibility, and I teach.

This is praxis.

And I light candles.  And I do regular prayers.  And I do cleansings.

This, also, is praxis.  But it's not complete.

 
I'm working on similar lines. I'm in school full-time, plus all my home commitments on top of that, doesn't leave a lot of time for full-on drawn out ritual and ceremony. But the goddess I'm currently working with most is Minerva, so all my time in school learning new knowledge and skills, and every time I'm in the hospital putting those into action, I'm doing Her work. Most of my religious "practice" these days is a quick petition before test days (always in the same format- I ask for the clarity to understand what the questions are really asking and the discernment to put what I've learned and studied to good use, rather than asking for an easy A) and a quick "Thank you" offering after my test, which is usually just lighting a candle or putting a new flower in the vase.

Sometimes (actually now that I think on it, a lot of the time) I'll have some huge test or assignment due right at one of the holidays. My first exam in Pathopharmacology this semester was on Imbolc. I have a massive group project due the day of the equinox. That doesn't give me a lot of free time to go all out, set up a circle, decorate my altar, any of that. So I scale things down- I'll make a meal that fits the holiday, and make sure I take at least a 15-minute study break outside to see what's going on in my garden. For now, that's enough for me to feel fulfilled without compromising my schooling (which is also its own devotional work) or feeling like I'm overwhelmed.

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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #12 on: March 14, 2017, 01:19:19 am »
Quote from: Nymree;203603
I'm beginning to do the same. Little things every day seem to work better than heavy hours of work all piled into, say, the weekend. You begin to feel sick of anything, I suppose, if you're doing it for hours on end with no reprieve (unless its something you love with all your heart, of course, which if its a self-forced responsibility is often unlikely.)

 
I would usually come up with a new idea with learning and think detached negativity  to be healthy. just to learn new spells is an accomplishment that I am satisfied with.
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Re: Losing Heart
« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2017, 02:15:34 pm »
Quote from: Darkhawk;203605
A lot depends on what your model of practice is, yeah.  And that's something that's tricky for a lot of people.  Because there's Do The Ritual Thing for the values of ritual things that are appropriate for one's thing, but there's also...

... one of the Powers I'm particularly devoted to is, among other things, a mother goddess figure.  I have four kids.  Whenever I am doing the work of taking care of those kids - which is most of the time - I am doing her work.

I deal with creators, and I write, and I do art.  I deal with gods of possibility, and I teach.

This is praxis.

And I light candles.  And I do regular prayers.  And I do cleansings.

This, also, is praxis.  But it's not complete.

 
You've received some great replies but this one really hits home for me and has been one of those little lessons that I've spent the last few months learning.

I could have written your post 5 months ago. Honestly, I almost did - more times than I can count. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Here I was, a "new" pagan - or new in the sense that I was finally letting myself out of the box I had been raised in and being honest with myself about who I was and what I believed - and suddenly all the things that I had longed for and wanted for multiple decades were a chore. And not just a chore but one that I found myself dreading.

For me, the turning point, was standing in front of my altar one more morning and realizing that I was trying to apply the same rigid rules of Practice from the religion I had been raised in to my new path. That unconsciously I was transferring over all the habits and things that I had deemed "personally soul crushing" for years.

So I stopped. Went straight up cold turkey. No more candles. No more offerings. Stopped freaking out when my altar (top of my dresser) inevitably became the landing space for all the things that travel in and out of my bedroom on a daily basis. No devotionals. No prayers. No rituals. No divination. Nothing.

The idea of doing absolutely nothing completely terrified me but the idea of "infecting" my path/practice with all the things I hated from my old terrified me more.

The five months since then have been both easy and so, so hard. I've had a lot of personal stress and upheaval. I've also had a lot of good. Some days I've felt fine with my choice to do nothing and other days it has completely driven me to a panic but picking things back up seemed... wrong. Or at least "not right". So I've just let things be.

And then, one night as I was rocking a cranky toddler at 2 am and absolutely desperate to get myself some sleep I prayed. It was a very simple, "Hey, sorry, remember me? I know I haven't probably held up my end of the commitment so if you don't want to respond then I totally understand. But I could really use some help here. Or something."

I didn't expect an answer... but I got one. It wasn't a big WHAM! DIETY! sort of experience but just a quiet, gentle thought of "And what on earth makes you think that you have not held up your end?"

Well... I'm not praying. Or doing devotionals or offerings. Duh.
BUT, then I remembered the phrasing of my commitment - That I would honor her (Brigid) and do my best to do her work/will in my life and in return I asked for her guidance and protection as I started on this new path. And once again I realized that the guidelines/perceptions of my past religious life had colored the expectations of the new - that I assumed because I wasn't doing Official, Obvious Things that I wasn't doing anything "religious". In reality - every time I write or create (especially when I share it with others!) I am honoring her. Every time I donate to my favorite charities or take meals/treats to those that need it I am honoring her. Every day as I take care of my house and my kids and teach them I am honoring her. Every step I take towards better emotional and spiritual health I am honoring her.

It was quite eye opening to me to realize that I haven't really been doing "nothing"... and, in the end, I think that was the lesson I was supposed to take away from the whole experience. That one's personal practice/path - whatever it might be - is much more organic and ever changing than the general concept of "religion" allows for. There's a natural ebb and rise to it and sometimes it ebbs for a reason - maybe we need to change things or need the thrill of something new, maybe there is something in the way we are doing things that is holding us back or enforcing an unhealthy understanding/mindset. Or maybe it simply ebbs because it is the season for that. Maybe the spiritual field needs to lie fallow for a season so that it can put forth better and stronger yields in the next. Maybe "doing nothing" or "doing less" is exactly what you need to be doing in this chapter of your life.

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