Author Topic: Hello from Australia (Read 746 times)

Bwillow · « **on:** February 25, 2017, 07:26:28 pm »

Hello all,

I am Beth and I currently live in Melbourne with my partner, two cats and two dogs.
I have joined this forum to help explore polytheism and the realms of natural magic, I also need to some help with my personal spiritual growth.

Here is a little background on myself and my spiritual quest so far:
But first:
I am not special or powerful or magical or destined or better than anyone else and if I come across that way then I am sorry.
What I am is lost, scared and seeking help.

I grew up with a single mother, an older sister (13 months older) and younger twin brothers (4 years younger). From the ages of 6 until 14 we lived a nomadic lifestyle, we lived out the back of a car, camping every night or renting a house for a few months but we never really settled anywhere until I was 14. Because of this I got the chance to see most of this wonder country but never really was able to develop any kind of long lasting relationships, I also have no real connections to any particular place either.

My spiritual journey really started when I was around 4 or 5, with visions and seeing things that were not there (ghostly faces pressed against the window, a younger woman in grey and a black shape changer with reddish eyes).
This is also the time that my mothers partner would become violent towards her (this connection I worked out when I was older).

Over the years I would learn a lot about the things I see and the family history of witchcraft on my mothers side. As I grew older the visits from the shape shifter increased and would always come just before I became ill or something bad happened. My mother did not fully believe me until one day while traveling our car broke down and she made the discussion to take us to a logging protest camp in the forests of the Mid North Coast. She left us children there alone with strangers for 2 months while our car was repaired.

Every day I would see the shape changer in the trees watching us but nothing bad came, one day a very spiritual woman said that she could see the darkness that followed me and I needed to be careful because it wanted to take me but I never felt harm only warning.

A few days later a massive storm hit the mountain we were on, it was the worst we witnessed and the only safe place was the earth berm that the protesters made. As we made it in to camp the shape changer was standing in front of the berm and had become frightening, as the wind and rain picked up my siblings and I went to get inside but the shape changer ran at me and knocked me down. We stayed outside in the cold wind and rain but as the evening approached we decided to head further up the hill and salvage what we could if our tent. That night we stayed in a wet fallen down tent with the spiritual lady, the next morning we returned to the berm only to find a tree had fallen on it over night and killed 3 protesters.

That was also the morning my mother returned with a story of a man dragging himself out of the mud in front of her head lights on her way back. It frightened her enough to make her stay the night in her car rather than continue on. Since then the shape changer has saved me from 3 fallen trees while collecting fire wood and saved me family from a fallen tree that hit our house when I was 16.
The woman in grey started actively visiting me when I was 14 before then she would come and silently lead me to another room in the house or just stand there watching me.
But at around puberty she started taking me places in my head and talking to me, at first I would wake up in the paddock next to the house or under the house and her chatter made little sense when I woke but I always felt safe. As the visits increased so did the understanding of who she was and what she was saying became clear but the distance I would unconsciously travel grew to kilometres. My sister started following me and said that I make things as I went. I would pile things up or dig a little and always making sounds that made no sense.
My mother put a lock on my door and would say the Lord's Prayer each night when I went to bed, it frightened her a lot. She was certain it was my grandmother trying to take me to the devil. I stopped waking in strange places and the woman in grey stopped visiting me but then the drumming started.

Every night from sun down to sun up a procession of drums would circle the house, every night without fail. My mother could hear it and would frequently leave the house to find the source but always came back with the Lord's Prayer on her lips and rock salt in her hand. The drumming drove her to sell our first stable home and move us away but the drumming continued. My poor mother kept my bedroom door locked every night and every night the drumming continued, one day she gave up and took the locks off but the drumming continued but the grey woman did return to claim me in the night.

A fortnight after she gave up a bush fire threatened to take our farm, we fought it back and the house was saved or so we thought. The drumming each night increased and everyone was on edge, my sister and I started fighting in the lounge room, she said that it's all my fault and that I had cursed the family. I went out on to the verandah to calm down but then I saw the shape shifter. It was different this time, it was huge with no legs, it laid on the driveway halfway down the hill and started dragging its torso up the drive with increasing speed and it was coming for me.
I started to scream and got to the door at the same time it pulled itself onto the verandah.

The whole family came running to see what was happening, mother and my sister saw the beast and started running up the hill but the twins saw nothing. I grabbed them and started pulling them towards the hill. Seconds later a massive tree fell on the house, tearing through the lounge room, verandah and took out the stumps underneath. It fell right where we were only seconds before.
That was the day my mother kicked me out.

After I left (at 16), my mother never heard the drumming again, her life changed for the better too. My sister moved out with me and the drumming followed us but it had become almost soothing. Together we started researching and practicing an intuitive form of Wicca but it never sat right with me and was not inline with what the lady in grey was teaching me. Life was better, for a time.

My sister started dabbling into divination but she was not very good at it, she often turned to me for interpretation of the signs. I fore saw the death of a friend and my sisters hospitalised within 2 weeks of seeing in the cards and saw two birds crashing into two pillars in the leaves a month before 9/11. This resulted in two things, she never asks me to look and I started questioning my spirituality and turned to science to explain everything.

I also moved away. I moved as far as I could from anyone I had ever known and started with taking antipsychotics because science says I must be mad.
They worked to stop the drumming and the woman in grey but my sleep walking continued, digging up the neighbours yard, turning on all the taps, even having sex with my then partner but I never remembered anything, it was like I was just switched off. The shape shifter started luring me into dead ends and murder me every night that I was not sleep walking, I was terrified to tell anyone because I was already on strong medication.

Finally I made the decision to stop the meds and things changed rapidly, but now looking back I am not sure for the good, I stopped sleep walking, the shape changer only appeared while I was awake and very rarely and I put all my faith in a scientific explanation for everything. My sister and I have a strained relationship, she thinks I have a gift that I have squandered but at the same time she hates me because she believes in witchcraft but feels that she should have with I have always thought of as a cure but she thinks is power.

However now I feel empty, lost and alone, I have had nothing but bad luck and poor health since denouncing my path. I can't keep a job, friends or money, even my soul mate is barely hanging in there (we break up the same time every year for the same amount of time over the last 4 years). I feel it's like nothing is able to stay with me anymore and I am starting to wonder if I have cured myself by losing faith in something that was always the most tangible thing in my life. I am scared of my curse but miss the woman in grey even though I can't wander at night due to safety, I miss the completeness that it bought to my life and the connectedness that the spirit world offered.

How can I find my way home, back to my path? Every time I try I seem to get more lost. I hope I can find help or some resources here.

Voren · « **Reply #1 on:** February 25, 2017, 08:50:51 pm »

Quote from: Bwillow;203251

Hello all,

I am Beth and I currently live in Melbourne with my partner, two cats and two dogs.
I have joined this forum to help explore polytheism and the realms of natural magic, I also need to some help with my personal spiritual growth.

Here is a little background on myself and my spiritual quest so far:
But first:
I am not special or powerful or magical or destined or better than anyone else and if I come across that way then I am sorry.
What I am is lost, scared and seeking help.

I grew up with a single mother, an older sister (13 months older) and younger twin brothers (4 years younger). From the ages of 6 until 14 we lived a nomadic lifestyle, we lived out the back of a car, camping every night or renting a house for a few months but we never really settled anywhere until I was 14. Because of this I got the chance to see most of this wonder country but never really was able to develop any kind of long lasting relationships, I also have no real connections to any particular place either.

My spiritual journey really started when I was around 4 or 5, with visions and seeing things that were not there (ghostly faces pressed against the window, a younger woman in grey and a black shape changer with reddish eyes).
This is also the time that my mothers partner would become violent towards her (this connection I worked out when I was older).

Over the years I would learn a lot about the things I see and the family history of witchcraft on my mothers side. As I grew older the visits from the shape shifter increased and would always come just before I became ill or something bad happened. My mother did not fully believe me until one day while traveling our car broke down and she made the discussion to take us to a logging protest camp in the forests of the Mid North Coast. She left us children there alone with strangers for 2 months while our car was repaired.

Every day I would see the shape changer in the trees watching us but nothing bad came, one day a very spiritual woman said that she could see the darkness that followed me and I needed to be careful because it wanted to take me but I never felt harm only warning.

A few days later a massive storm hit the mountain we were on, it was the worst we witnessed and the only safe place was the earth berm that the protesters made. As we made it in to camp the shape changer was standing in front of the berm and had become frightening, as the wind and rain picked up my siblings and I went to get inside but the shape changer ran at me and knocked me down. We stayed outside in the cold wind and rain but as the evening approached we decided to head further up the hill and salvage what we could if our tent. That night we stayed in a wet fallen down tent with the spiritual lady, the next morning we returned to the berm only to find a tree had fallen on it over night and killed 3 protesters.

That was also the morning my mother returned with a story of a man dragging himself out of the mud in front of her head lights on her way back. It frightened her enough to make her stay the night in her car rather than continue on. Since then the shape changer has saved me from 3 fallen trees while collecting fire wood and saved me family from a fallen tree that hit our house when I was 16.
The woman in grey started actively visiting me when I was 14 before then she would come and silently lead me to another room in the house or just stand there watching me.
But at around puberty she started taking me places in my head and talking to me, at first I would wake up in the paddock next to the house or under the house and her chatter made little sense when I woke but I always felt safe. As the visits increased so did the understanding of who she was and what she was saying became clear but the distance I would unconsciously travel grew to kilometres. My sister started following me and said that I make things as I went. I would pile things up or dig a little and always making sounds that made no sense.
My mother put a lock on my door and would say the Lord's Prayer each night when I went to bed, it frightened her a lot. She was certain it was my grandmother trying to take me to the devil. I stopped waking in strange places and the woman in grey stopped visiting me but then the drumming started.

Every night from sun down to sun up a procession of drums would circle the house, every night without fail. My mother could hear it and would frequently leave the house to find the source but always came back with the Lord's Prayer on her lips and rock salt in her hand. The drumming drove her to sell our first stable home and move us away but the drumming continued. My poor mother kept my bedroom door locked every night and every night the drumming continued, one day she gave up and took the locks off but the drumming continued but the grey woman did return to claim me in the night.

A fortnight after she gave up a bush fire threatened to take our farm, we fought it back and the house was saved or so we thought. The drumming each night increased and everyone was on edge, my sister and I started fighting in the lounge room, she said that it's all my fault and that I had cursed the family. I went out on to the verandah to calm down but then I saw the shape shifter. It was different this time, it was huge with no legs, it laid on the driveway halfway down the hill and started dragging its torso up the drive with increasing speed and it was coming for me.
I started to scream and got to the door at the same time it pulled itself onto the verandah.

The whole family came running to see what was happening, mother and my sister saw the beast and started running up the hill but the twins saw nothing. I grabbed them and started pulling them towards the hill. Seconds later a massive tree fell on the house, tearing through the lounge room, verandah and took out the stumps underneath. It fell right where we were only seconds before.
That was the day my mother kicked me out.

After I left (at 16), my mother never heard the drumming again, her life changed for the better too. My sister moved out with me and the drumming followed us but it had become almost soothing. Together we started researching and practicing an intuitive form of Wicca but it never sat right with me and was not inline with what the lady in grey was teaching me. Life was better, for a time.

My sister started dabbling into divination but she was not very good at it, she often turned to me for interpretation of the signs. I fore saw the death of a friend and my sisters hospitalised within 2 weeks of seeing in the cards and saw two birds crashing into two pillars in the leaves a month before 9/11. This resulted in two things, she never asks me to look and I started questioning my spirituality and turned to science to explain everything.

I also moved away. I moved as far as I could from anyone I had ever known and started with taking antipsychotics because science says I must be mad.
They worked to stop the drumming and the woman in grey but my sleep walking continued, digging up the neighbours yard, turning on all the taps, even having sex with my then partner but I never remembered anything, it was like I was just switched off. The shape shifter started luring me into dead ends and murder me every night that I was not sleep walking, I was terrified to tell anyone because I was already on strong medication.

Finally I made the decision to stop the meds and things changed rapidly, but now looking back I am not sure for the good, I stopped sleep walking, the shape changer only appeared while I was awake and very rarely and I put all my faith in a scientific explanation for everything. My sister and I have a strained relationship, she thinks I have a gift that I have squandered but at the same time she hates me because she believes in witchcraft but feels that she should have with I have always thought of as a cure but she thinks is power.

However now I feel empty, lost and alone, I have had nothing but bad luck and poor health since denouncing my path. I can't keep a job, friends or money, even my soul mate is barely hanging in there (we break up the same time every year for the same amount of time over the last 4 years). I feel it's like nothing is able to stay with me anymore and I am starting to wonder if I have cured myself by losing faith in something that was always the most tangible thing in my life. I am scared of my curse but miss the woman in grey even though I can't wander at night due to safety, I miss the completeness that it bought to my life and the connectedness that the spirit world offered.

How can I find my way home, back to my path? Every time I try I seem to get more lost. I hope I can find help or some resources here.