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Author Topic: Being with someone of a different religion.  (Read 5926 times)

xGypsy13x

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Being with someone of a different religion.
« on: July 15, 2016, 03:22:27 pm »
So i am married to a Christian woman, Thankfully she is very accepting of my religious views but i can always sense a bit of disbelief when the topic comes up. On that note, does anyone else have a significant other, family member, or just anyone close in general with different views? Are there any difficulties you face with this, and how do you make it work out?
« Last Edit: July 15, 2016, 03:31:44 pm by xGypsy13x »

CaitlinAnn

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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2016, 03:56:58 pm »
Quote from: xGypsy13x;193930
So i am married to a Christian woman, Thankfully she is very accepting of my religious views but i can always sense a bit of disbelief when the topic comes up. On that note, does anyone else have a significant other, family member, or just anyone close in general with different views? Are there any difficulties you face with this, and how do you make it work out?

 
My partner is an atheist.  We have an agreement where he respects my beliefs and I respect his lack thereof.  He has moments where he seems to have some faith in my gods, but he quickly goes back to a staunch disbelief after those moments pass.  

My entire family are devoted Christians and are staunchly against any form of pagan beliefs.  I simply don't talk about it with them.  My beliefs are very personal and they wouldn't understand anyways.  We love each regardless and find other things to bond over.

I'm not sure if that answers your question, but my general rule with my family (with the exception of my fiance) has always been "don't ask, don't tell".  It's not worth the drama.  I am far more open with my fiance, and he's agreed to allow me to raise our kids with faith in their lives, which is most important to me.

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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2016, 07:11:53 pm »
Quote from: xGypsy13x;193930
So i am married to a Christian woman, Thankfully she is very accepting of my religious views but i can always sense a bit of disbelief when the topic comes up. On that note, does anyone else have a significant other, family member, or just anyone close in general with different views? Are there any difficulties you face with this, and how do you make it work out?

 
I've never considered it important to have a partner who was a co-religionist, which is good, because if I did I would basically be doomed to solitude.  (I mean, maybe if I picked just one of them, but Kemetics are far-scattered, Feris are often orientationally incompatible, I've literally never met a Slavic/Baltic heathen in person to my awareness, so what, do I punt to UUs?)

It's one of those expectations that's fine if one's more mainstream, maybe, but for pagans - especially members of minority pagan religions - really rather untenable.

For a long time I joked that the closest thing I've ever come to dating a co-religionist was a Methodist.  (Actually true, even, for quite some time.)
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Jenett

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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2016, 08:11:11 pm »
Quote from: xGypsy13x;193930
So i am married to a Christian woman, Thankfully she is very accepting of my religious views but i can always sense a bit of disbelief when the topic comes up. On that note, does anyone else have a significant other, family member, or just anyone close in general with different views? Are there any difficulties you face with this, and how do you make it work out?

 
I think that it helps to have compatibility about what religion means in the context of your lives. By which I mean, not sharing the same beliefs, but 'how much overt time it takes up', 'how much it may restrict life choices like where and how you live and finances and so on', and that there's agreements about what that means for kids if you have kids. And of course, some religions, it's easier to do interfaith marriages than others.

Or if you can't get compatibility, at least explicit discussion and consent about what it means, and how that affects things.

My ex-husband admitted (after the point when it was clear 'ex' was the way we were going) that despite my being very careful about talking to him about possible changes (as I was working my way up initiatory religious witchcraft degrees with increasing responsibilities that affected my scheduling and things like when he could use the car, as we were a one-car household) that he *knew* I'd been clearly asking him about this stuff, and he was letting it go in one ear and out the other.

There are lots of reasons that my ex is an ex, but that's one of the two that there was no solving. If you think so little of me that you can't listen to a brief, focused "Ok, so I'd like to do this thing, here's how it might affect me, might affect you, and do you have any concerns?" and give me a considered answer? There's not a lot of hope for the relationship there.

Personally, I'm fine with people not believing the same things I do. I'd have more problems with someone who I was entwining my life with dismissing them, mocking them, or making it difficult for me to follow my religion, but there are tons of ways to be of a different religion and not do those things.

The one other thing to think about, especially with Christianity, as a very church-focused religion in a lot of ways, is how to deal with social pressure on your wife about why you're not at church with her, or participating in other activities. (Assuming she does in the first place.)

Having an agreement about how to handle that, what you're okay with her saying, what she's comfortable saying, might well help her feel a bit more comfortable with the situation.
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Dynes Hysbys

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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2016, 06:14:10 am »
Quote from: xGypsy13x;193930
So i am married to a Christian woman, Thankfully she is very accepting of my religious views but i can always sense a bit of disbelief when the topic comes up. On that note, does anyone else have a significant other, family member, or just anyone close in general with different views? Are there any difficulties you face with this, and how do you make it work out?


My long term partner was nominally Christian when we met and remained so for a long time but was quite happy for me to do what I do (if they hadn't then the relationship would have been doomed). They are now actually in the process of converting which is great. It certainly makes life a lot easier now they understand WHY I do some things!

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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2016, 12:06:59 pm »
Quote from: xGypsy13x;193930
So i am married to a Christian woman, Thankfully she is very accepting of my religious views but i can always sense a bit of disbelief when the topic comes up. On that note, does anyone else have a significant other, family member, or just anyone close in general with different views? Are there any difficulties you face with this, and how do you make it work out?

 
My husband and son are both atheist, but we get along just fine.  They definitely think that much of what I do is very woo-woo, but neither gives me grief over it, and I respect their thoughts and don't get offended when they talk about how they think some things are kind of silly.

My parents are nominal Christians (along with the rest of my family).  I believe they are believers, but none of them are very active in any Church.  My parents and I have discussed my beliefs and theirs, when I was in college and they found out what I believed in, but now it definitely falls in the category of 'things I do they don't really approve of so we just don't talk about it and get along fine'.

For me, what is important is that in my home life, my husband functionally supports me.  We may tease each other about stuff we do (it's kind of our thing....), but at the end of the day he encourages me to do things that make me feel fulfilled and he always tries to make sure that if there are Pagan events that I want to go to we try to find a way to make that happen (we are a one car family, so sometimes if he needs the car for work it's just not going to happen).  He has never complained about my statues, art, Pagan music/chants or any of the other things that I do that filters into his life and home.

I do sometimes wish that he shared my beliefs.  I sort of grew into my Paganism with dreams of settling down with another Pagan and having a fully Pagan household.  

I think that relationships are built on communication and compromise.  We have things worked out in a way that works for us, and the things I give up in the religion sphere are more than compensated by other parts of my life.  I wouldn't want to give up what I have just to fill in those last few bits.
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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2016, 08:25:03 pm »
Quote from: Kylara;193964
My husband and son are both atheist, but we get along just fine.  They definitely think that much of what I do is very woo-woo, but neither gives me grief over it, and I respect their thoughts and don't get offended when they talk about how they think some things are kind of silly.

My parents are nominal Christians (along with the rest of my family).  I believe they are believers, but none of them are very active in any Church.  My parents and I have discussed my beliefs and theirs, when I was in college and they found out what I believed in, but now it definitely falls in the category of 'things I do they don't really approve of so we just don't talk about it and get along fine'.

For me, what is important is that in my home life, my husband functionally supports me.  We may tease each other about stuff we do (it's kind of our thing....), but at the end of the day he encourages me to do things that make me feel fulfilled and he always tries to make sure that if there are Pagan events that I want to go to we try to find a way to make that happen (we are a one car family, so sometimes if he needs the car for work it's just not going to happen).  He has never complained about my statues, art, Pagan music/chants or any of the other things that I do that filters into his life and home.

I do sometimes wish that he shared my beliefs.  I sort of grew into my Paganism with dreams of settling down with another Pagan and having a fully Pagan household.  

I think that relationships are built on communication and compromise.  We have things worked out in a way that works for us, and the things I give up in the religion sphere are more than compensated by other parts of my life.  I wouldn't want to give up what I have just to fill in those last few bits.
My fiancé is not outright atheist, but agnostic in the sense of he just doesn't care enough to put any thought into religion. But he cares enough about me to occasionally (like once a year) ask about any of my pagan-y things.

When we first met and started casually dating, I'd outright told him I was pagan. My previous boyfriend was hardcore atheist and quite belittling to me about it, so I didn't want to make the same mistake twice in a row. After a really nasty breakup I threw myself into my faith.  But my fiancé was more than fine with it because he actually did basic research on paganism and on Beltane Eve he asked me to officially be his girlfriend. He even flipped my claddagh ring that I wore at the time because he researched that too. It was all so stinking cute I couldn't stand it.

More than 4 years later my beliefs have evolved and I'm not as "into it" as I was while I yet again try to figure my mundane shit out, but he's never harassed or negatively bugged me about any of it other than trying to get me to think about why I feel like I need a statue of Quan Yin.
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japaley

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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #7 on: July 20, 2016, 12:57:24 pm »
Quote from: missgraceless;193979


Greeting All,

As far as my wife is concerned, I have never really discussed it with her. I know that she is a Christian, her entire family is as well. She kind of knows what my believes are and I think that’s only because we've been together for 20yrs. I guess religion for the two of us is generally a private thing. I love & respect my wife and I know she loves & respects me and really at end of the day that all that matters. Everything else is water under the bridge.

As far as my family is concerned, I kind of grow up in it, although kind of unknowingly. Nothing was really every talk about or force upon. It was more or less fine your own inter-self, be your own person, walk your own path. There were things that were woven into our upbringing, an over whelming respect for nature, a strong sense of one’s self and the effect that you have in the world. But I really never understood till I was much older and looking back I finally realized what it was all about because, truly it was a very strange childhood.

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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2016, 02:27:24 pm »
Quote from: japaley;194281


 
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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2016, 07:59:34 am »
Quote from: xGypsy13x;193930
Are there any difficulties you face with this, and how do you make it work out?

 
I know several couples not sharing the same religious adherence (Atheist + Lutheran, Agnostic + Lutheran, Congregationalist + Fornisi∂r, Moslem + Eclectic Wiccan, Eclectic Wiccan + Lutheran, Roman Catholic + Lutheran, Buddhist + Atheist, Buddhist + New Age) and they all seem to be able to live happily together.

dionysos

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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #10 on: July 22, 2016, 07:52:32 am »
Quote from: xGypsy13x;193930
So i am married to a Christian woman, Thankfully she is very accepting of my religious views but i can always sense a bit of disbelief when the topic comes up. On that note, does anyone else have a significant other, family member, or just anyone close in general with different views? Are there any difficulties you face with this, and how do you make it work out?

 
I am also married to a Christian woman (a Jehovah's Witness) and she is understanding and tolerant. It's being with me that has actually opened her mind and helped her be more tolerant of others beliefs.

shadowsiren

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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #11 on: September 12, 2016, 09:26:50 pm »
Quote from: xGypsy13x;193930
So i am married to a Christian woman, Thankfully she is very accepting of my religious views but i can always sense a bit of disbelief when the topic comes up. On that note, does anyone else have a significant other, family member, or just anyone close in general with different views? Are there any difficulties you face with this, and how do you make it work out?

 
I am pagan but I grew up Mormon. My DH is (technically) Mormon but has been agnostic and several other flavors of Christianity over the course of his life. My parents, siblings (save for one sister who is looking into Hinduism), and most of my extended family are very devoted/strict Mormons. My friends come in just about every religious (or non-religious) flavor. My DH and my closest friends are the only ones I'm "out" to about my beliefs.

When I first told my DH that I intended to start exploring a pagan path I was quite nervous because religion (the right religion, mind you) is a Very Big Deal in my family. He kind of just looked at me quizzically and said "Anyone that really knows you knows that you're already at least a little bit pagan. I trust you do whatever you need to do." Overall he's been exceptionally supportive. Once he realized that I was rearranging my devotional schedule on the weekends in case it bothered him (it doesn't, which is good to know) he corrals the kids and gets them involved in some early morning activity to make sure I get the time to light some candles and pray/meditate/make offerings etc. It's also led to some really nice discussions about religion and philosophy - both in general and how it pertains to us personally.

In general, I think mixed-belief relationships are all about the same thing that mutual belief relationships are - respect, communication, and compromise. Church attendance (more for the support structure/disciple than anything else) is very important to my  DH so we attend and participate as a family nearly every week (and every week he makes sure I get an hour or more of alone time to study or meditate or do some ritual work). We also still read scriptures (Bible, Book of Mormon etc) with the kids and I still tuck them into bed with the same religious kids songs I've been singing to them their whole life. But we also talk about all the gods as if they're real and not just God and Jesus. Before I set up shrines I talked with my DH about it to see if it would bother him (likewise, I spoke to him about the deities that I was honoring. While I wasn't asking permission I also wouldn't want to invite a power into our home that he wasn't comfortable coexisting with). I celebrate the Wheel of the Year and while any ritual is done as a "just me" thing, the whole family participates in discussions and activities to celebrate. The kids are just little (oldest is 7) but I suspect as they get older we'll have definite sit down talks of "This is what mommy believes. This is what daddy believes. This is why we do the things we do." and then answer any questions or make available any information that they might want.

My oldest has recently shown a fascination with my tarot cards so we spent some time yesterday talking about tarot basics and doing some one card draws just so he could look at the cards. This afternoon my second son spent a good thirty minutes pretending to be a missionary (my youngest brother and the kids all around favorite uncle just got his Mormon mission call this past week) but then he noticed that the moon was up and was very excited that it was nearly full - and spent the next twenty minutes or so dancing around on the front lawn and humming/whistling because "It makes the Moon happy!"

The friends that I've told have been just as understanding and supportive. I'm kind of dreading the day (if it ever comes) that I come out of the pagan closet to my parents and/or siblings. I don't think it is going to go nearly as well. Or maybe it will go better than I think. (It might but I'm not currently brave enough to test that theory).

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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #12 on: November 02, 2016, 05:04:08 am »
Quote from: xGypsy13x;193930
So i am married to a Christian woman, Thankfully she is very accepting of my religious views but i can always sense a bit of disbelief when the topic comes up. On that note, does anyone else have a significant other, family member, or just anyone close in general with different views? Are there any difficulties you face with this, and how do you make it work out?


My ex from 6-7 years ago was/is Russian Orthodox.
He found my love for snakes borderline "demonic" and agreed that IVF conceived people (like myself) are soulless.
How did I make it work out?
I dumped his ass.
Naboo: This is black magic. This is hardcore. Don\'t mess with the occult.
Vince Noir: I thought it was good for you.
Naboo: What?
Vince Noir: Well, you know, good for your digestive system.
Naboo: That\'s Yakult!

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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #13 on: November 02, 2016, 05:19:59 am »
Quote from: Eevee;198510
... and agreed that IVF conceived people (like myself) are soulless.
 

 
Wow... that's just. Wow... :eek:
Good job on the dumping

I'm recently single again, for a reason not related to religion. My ex, who I have been with for 12 years, was atheist to the point of being obnoxious about it. He gave me free reign to do whatever I pleased and I'm sure he would not have stopped me had I made an altar or shrine in our livingroom.
But I never felt comfortable. He ridiculed my religion even back when I was still leaning towards my roman catholic upbringing. He would go on and on about priests molesting young children and mocking the traditions.
When I was showing more and more interest in paganism he began mocking that too. Not actively, but in a (to him) playfull way that still hurt my feelings. Calling my herbal tea's witches brews and my candles hocus pocus.
I never had the feeling he consciously held me back, but it did make me cautious and reluctant to actively move forward towards being pagan. I realise that now he's gone.

I am now finally learning who I am. I finally feel free to be who I always wanted to be. And I would love to find a man one day who will support me in my choices and maybe even be actively involved in paganism.
You're only given a little spark of madness, you mustn't lose it.

Eevee

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Re: Being with someone of a different religion.
« Reply #14 on: November 02, 2016, 06:47:47 am »
Quote from: Vixen;198513

I am now finally learning who I am. I finally feel free to be who I always wanted to be. And I would love to find a man one day who will support me in my choices and maybe even be actively involved in paganism.


^This. 100% this!
Naboo: This is black magic. This is hardcore. Don\'t mess with the occult.
Vince Noir: I thought it was good for you.
Naboo: What?
Vince Noir: Well, you know, good for your digestive system.
Naboo: That\'s Yakult!

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