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Author Topic: Two religions in one marriage  (Read 5020 times)

HappyWiccan

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Two religions in one marriage
« on: August 07, 2015, 06:50:03 am »
I have been happily married to my wife for a good little while now. We didn't get married in our home state of Virginia originally, because gay marriage hadn't been legalized, recognized or practiced yet. But all the same, we were married, and now that it's legal everywhere in the US, it's official.

Anyways, here's what my post is about. I'm a Wiccan, and she claims Christianity as her religion. That's one thing that makes me know she really loves me. There are a few Christians who don't like non Christian people. I've met a few. But my wife loves me, even with that difference. I know that's not an everyday thing, a Christian lesbian. But that's what she is and I love her <3

The biggest question people have asked us is how we're going to raise our daughter. I'd like to think we'll bring her up neutral and let her decide what she wants to be.
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Sophia C

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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2015, 07:30:29 am »
Quote from: HappyWiccan;178339
I have been happily married to my wife for a good little while now. We didn't get married in our home state of Virginia originally, because gay marriage hadn't been legalized, recognized or practiced yet. But all the same, we were married, and now that it's legal everywhere in the US, it's official.

Anyways, here's what my post is about. I'm a Wiccan, and she claims Christianity as her religion. That's one thing that makes me know she really loves me. There are a few Christians who don't like non Christian people. I've met a few. But my wife loves me, even with that difference. I know that's not an everyday thing, a Christian lesbian. But that's what she is and I love her <3

The biggest question people have asked us is how we're going to raise our daughter. I'd like to think we'll bring her up neutral and let her decide what she wants to be.

 
My partner is an atheist. I was a Christian when they met me, and now I'm a Pagan. They always say that the important thing about religion is whether you respect each others' beliefs. (And also that there's no difference between a magical Jew and faeries, but that's just their weird sense of humour.) I always get confused by people who assume religion must be a terrible source of disagreement between us. It doesn't have to be - and if it was, I'd start to worry about our relationship.

We haven't thought about children much, but if we ever had any, I'd be keen to raise them without imposing religious frameworks on them, while also giving them exposure to lots of religions and philosophies so that they could make their own choices later in life. Most interfaith couples I know take this approach, although no doubt there are also many who raise children in two religions or do other interesting things.
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RandallS

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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2015, 07:47:52 am »
Quote from: HappyWiccan;178339
I know that's not an everyday thing, a Christian lesbian. But that's what she is and I love her <3

I suspect there are quite a few homosexual Christians -- some of the more liberal Christian denominations have church weddings for gays. When the form of Christianity seen most in the media is the conservative and fundamentalist form, it is easy to forget than there are many Christians who don't fear/hate non-Christians and are accepting of gays and lesbians.

Quote
The biggest question people have asked us is how we're going to raise our daughter. I'd like to think we'll bring her up neutral and let her decide what she wants to be.

I think this is likely the most common answer among interfaith couples. It's certainly the answer that will make the most sense in most interfaith relationships.
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RecycledBenedict

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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2015, 08:03:58 am »
Thank you for sharing this. I feel grateful that you are joyful. Your happiness shine through your text.

Quote from: HappyWiccan;178339
Anyways, here's what my post is about. I'm a Wiccan, and she claims Christianity as her religion. That's one thing that makes me know she really loves me. There are a few Christians who don't like non Christian people. I've met a few. But my wife loves me, even with that difference.


I know a married couple over here: He's Christian and she's Wiccan. It happens, and is probably not that unusual globally, after taking the relatively small numbers of  Wiccans in consideration.

Quote from: HappyWiccan;178339
I know that's not an everyday thing, a Christian lesbian.


The current Lutheran bishop of Stockholm is a Christian lesbian, and at Stockholm Pride every year Christian lesbians are very visible as a group. The Uniting Church in Sweden is LGBTQ-friendly as well, and so are Society of Friends and Liberal Catholic Church. I suppose it is more unusual in the Fundamentalist denominations on the fringe, and even in the Baptist/Charismatic non-conformist denominations. The Catholic Church is more 'don't ask, don't tell'. I don't know how the situation is in USA, but there have been news articles about Westborough Baptist Church, so I suppose it is much worse in the US.

Quote from: HappyWiccan;178339
The biggest question people have asked us is how we're going to raise our daughter. I'd like to think we'll bring her up neutral and let her decide what she wants to be.


I think that 'neutral' is impossible, but you will probably manage to bring her up in an even better way: tolerant and respectful. You can't tip-toe around the elephant in the room. It's much better to acknowledge that religion (all religions!) are important for the majority of the world's human beings, and that you and your wife has found meaning, awareness and joy in two separate religions.

There's no need to baptise your daughter, let her attend confirmation classes, or be initiated into a coven, unless it is her own initiative, but while she is a child it is possible to celebrate the eight Wiccan festivals and the Christian festivals (according to your wife's liturgical year) in a safe, simplified, and nurturing family setting, without her being 'forced' into something she don't believe. There's even some inter-faith prayers that could be used by the entire family.

A few study tours to (open) pagan rituals, (tolerant) Christian Eucharists or Morning Prayers, (Reform) Jewish Saturday Shacharits, and perhaps to a mosque, a gurdhwara, a Buddhist meditation group, and a Hindu temple as well, would nurture a healthy gratitude for freedom of religion and respect for other peoples' beliefs. A lot of children with parents of the same belief could benefit from a handful of such study tours as well. No country fares well if its children are raised in a partisan way.

RecycledBenedict

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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2015, 09:23:18 am »
Quote from: HappyWiccan;178339
The biggest question people have asked us is how we're going to raise our daughter. I'd like to think we'll bring her up neutral and let her decide what she wants to be.

When I think about what you wrote, I got some ideas for a childrens' book about religious tolerance along these lines:

Quote
This is Mr. and Mrs. Singh in the nice house down the road. They like to worship at the gurdhwara. They give food to starving people. Mr. Singh wears a turban as a sign of respect.

This is Mrs. and Mrs. Fforbes-Smythe-Oxbridge. They like to worship at St. Crowan's and St. Breage's Episcopal church. The white coat of the thurifer is called a surplice. Afterwards they drink sherry in the porch. Tomorrow they will arrange a seminar on Human Rights.

This is Mr. and Mr. Rammstein. They like to worship at the Reform synagogue. 'Be nice', says the Rabbi.

This is Sweyn and Thorbjorg. They like to worship Freya and O∂in outdoors. Look! They pour ale on the ground. It is a sacrifice, called blót.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2015, 09:28:38 am by RecycledBenedict »

Darkhawk

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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2015, 10:28:45 am »
Quote from: RandallS;178342
I suspect there are quite a few homosexual Christians -- some of the more liberal Christian denominations have church weddings for gays.

I don't have a source for it but my recent blog reading turned up a poll saying that 48% of gay people polled identified themselves as Christian.

(This is a US poll, of course, given that density of religiousness.)
« Last Edit: August 07, 2015, 10:29:20 am by Darkhawk »
as the water grinds the stone
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as our ashes turn to dust
we shine like stars    - Covenant, "Bullet"

Darkhawk

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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #6 on: August 07, 2015, 10:35:35 am »
Quote from: HappyWiccan;178339
The biggest question people have asked us is how we're going to raise our daughter. I'd like to think we'll bring her up neutral and let her decide what she wants to be.

 
Our oldest just turned six.

She's assisted with several execration rituals (nobody execrates like a preschooler) including a gleeful destruction of a wax fish this summer; she's done laps around the yard with incense; she and her middle sister helped with a room cleansing with bells and incense and salt water.  She's also worked very hard at learning the candle-lighting song for Hanukkah and helped decorate Christmas trees with enthusiasm.

She asks me to tell her stories about gods sometimes, and we look through pictures from my books.  (She also asks me to tell her about various animals, plants, astronomical objects, and body organs, so she has wide-ranging interests.)  She like Ganesha a lot, I think because they share an interest in candy. ;P
as the water grinds the stone
we rise and fall
as our ashes turn to dust
we shine like stars    - Covenant, "Bullet"

HappyWiccan

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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #7 on: August 07, 2015, 11:51:29 am »
Quote from: Darkhawk;178352
Our oldest just turned six.

She's assisted with several execration rituals (nobody execrates like a preschooler) including a gleeful destruction of a wax fish this summer; she's done laps around the yard with incense; she and her middle sister helped with a room cleansing with bells and incense and salt water.  She's also worked very hard at learning the candle-lighting song for Hanukkah and helped decorate Christmas trees with enthusiasm.

She asks me to tell her stories about gods sometimes, and we look through pictures from my books.  (She also asks me to tell her about various animals, plants, astronomical objects, and body organs, so she has wide-ranging interests.)  She like Ganesha a lot, I think because they share an interest in candy. ;P

 
That's the way we want our daughter to be, interested in many things. When she starts asking about things of religious matters, we'll be sure she's properly informed.
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Kylara

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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #8 on: August 07, 2015, 12:13:23 pm »
Quote from: Naomi J;178341
I always get confused by people who assume religion must be a terrible source of disagreement between us. It doesn't have to be - and if it was, I'd start to worry about our relationship.

 
I think there are a lot of people who coexist in relationships with multiple faiths, and that the people who seem to think it will blow up and be horrible are those who's own faiths don't have much room for tolerance or for people who believe things differently from them.

My own husband is pretty seriously atheist, while I have been Pagan since high school. He is often quite black and white about the things he things, and we definitely don't agree about a lot of things.  However, he is actually pretty tolerant of people, and while he may not understand (or agree with) the beliefs someone has, I have never seen him hold that against an actual person.  We can get in some crazy discussions about stuff, but he has always fully supported me in anything I felt important, and has even attended a couple of rituals or gatherings with me.  

Our son is now in high school, and a self proclaimed atheist as well.   Neither of us really raised him with religious (or atheist) intent, and I have talked with him quite a lot about different faiths and things people believe.  I have an altar set out in the bedroom (which he has been in to help with cleaning), and on my computer desk (which is in the kitchen).  He has asked me about my runes and tarot decks, has listened to me chanting or singing along to Pagan music.  We light incense or candles often while cleaning.

I think that a lot of it comes down to how exclusive your beliefs are.  If you strongly believe that everyone who doesn't follow your faith is not only wrong but doomed for all eternity, it is much harder to maintain a relationship with someone of another faith.  On the other hand, if you love someone, you accept pieces of them that you might find less tolerable on a stranger.  Living together is a dance of compromise, and religion is just one thing that has to be worked out to create a lasting relationship.
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Jenett

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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #9 on: August 07, 2015, 06:23:40 pm »
Quote from: Kylara;178361

I think that a lot of it comes down to how exclusive your beliefs are.  If you strongly believe that everyone who doesn't follow your faith is not only wrong but doomed for all eternity, it is much harder to maintain a relationship with someone of another faith.

 
This reminded me of a thing I'd been mulling - a lot of the relationships where I've seen religion be a problem aren't differences of *religion*, per se, but differences of 'how strongly the people involved feel about religon'.

This is especially true if, say, one of them is very active in their religon in community ways (i.e. it's taking a lot of time, scheduling, etc. particularly outside of regular predictable weekly or less often services) but it's also sometimes true even if one person has a strong personal practice and the other person thinks religion is silly, or if one person is strongly articulate about their religious life, and the other person is sort of casually the religion they grew up with, but can't articulate what does and doesn't matter to them about that. (Except it's really clear some things matter a lot.)

A lot of the interfaith marriages I've seen do really well, the people involved both take religion equivalently seriously, at least enough to be able to talk thoughtfully about the similarities and differences (and how to resolve things like family holidays, education of kids on religious topics, etc. in ways that work for that family), and to negotiate a bit as things go along.
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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #10 on: August 08, 2015, 12:17:54 pm »
Quote from: Jenett;178379

A lot of the interfaith marriages I've seen do really well, the people involved both take religion equivalently seriously, at least enough to be able to talk thoughtfully about the similarities and differences (and how to resolve things like family holidays, education of kids on religious topics, etc. in ways that work for that family), and to negotiate a bit as things go along.

 
I feel that communication is key to a solid relationship, no matter the topic.  Being able to express your needs and feelings, in a way that leads to discussion and compromise is a huge skill that sadly a lot of people aren't taught.
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journeyintoinsanity

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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #11 on: August 09, 2015, 01:48:02 pm »
Quote from: HappyWiccan;178339
I have been happily married to my wife for a good little while now. We didn't get married in our home state of Virginia originally, because gay marriage hadn't been legalized, recognized or practiced yet. But all the same, we were married, and now that it's legal everywhere in the US, it's official.

Anyways, here's what my post is about. I'm a Wiccan, and she claims Christianity as her religion. That's one thing that makes me know she really loves me. There are a few Christians who don't like non Christian people. I've met a few. But my wife loves me, even with that difference. I know that's not an everyday thing, a Christian lesbian. But that's what she is and I love her <3

The biggest question people have asked us is how we're going to raise our daughter. I'd like to think we'll bring her up neutral and let her decide what she wants to be.

It's awesome when people find happiness together, even with all their differences. :)

My husband is atheist, but I'm a hard polytheist. Our daughter, who is 5, is very interested in my rituals, crystals, meditation, etc. But we decided to let her choose her own path. Whether it's polytheism, atheism, general spirituality, or what have you. Whatever she decides, it'll be her choice and not because she was swayed one way by either of us. :)

Laveth

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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #12 on: August 10, 2015, 11:22:17 pm »
Quote from: HappyWiccan;178339
I have been happily married to my wife for a good little while now. We didn't get married in our home state of Virginia originally, because gay marriage hadn't been legalized, recognized or practiced yet. But all the same, we were married, and now that it's legal everywhere in the US, it's official.

Anyways, here's what my post is about. I'm a Wiccan, and she claims Christianity as her religion. That's one thing that makes me know she really loves me. There are a few Christians who don't like non Christian people. I've met a few. But my wife loves me, even with that difference. I know that's not an everyday thing, a Christian lesbian. But that's what she is and I love her <3

The biggest question people have asked us is how we're going to raise our daughter. I'd like to think we'll bring her up neutral and let her decide what she wants to be.

 
Joining the bandwagon.

I'm pagan, my husband was raised Catholic. We've decided that any kids we have won't have any religion forced upon them and if they become interested in any kind of religion, we will support them as best we can.

Kraken

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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #13 on: September 02, 2015, 02:42:44 pm »
Quote from: HappyWiccan;178339
I have been happily married to my wife for a good little while now. We didn't get married in our home state of Virginia originally, because gay marriage hadn't been legalized, recognized or practiced yet. But all the same, we were married, and now that it's legal everywhere in the US, it's official.

Anyways, here's what my post is about. I'm a Wiccan, and she claims Christianity as her religion. That's one thing that makes me know she really loves me. There are a few Christians who don't like non Christian people. I've met a few. But my wife loves me, even with that difference. I know that's not an everyday thing, a Christian lesbian. But that's what she is and I love her <3

The biggest question people have asked us is how we're going to raise our daughter. I'd like to think we'll bring her up neutral and let her decide what she wants to be.


Congratulations HappyWiccan! I'm in a similar situation. My husband is Christian and I am exploring pagan religions. Despite our differences, we love each other greatly and come to understand much about each other in our differing spiritualities and religions. Just commenting to give my utmost support! Hooray!
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Re: Two religions in one marriage
« Reply #14 on: October 30, 2015, 06:50:20 pm »
Quote from: HappyWiccan;178339
I have been happily married to my wife for a good little while now. We didn't get married in our home state of Virginia originally, because gay marriage hadn't been legalized, recognized or practiced yet. But all the same, we were married, and now that it's legal everywhere in the US, it's official.

Anyways, here's what my post is about. I'm a Wiccan, and she claims Christianity as her religion. That's one thing that makes me know she really loves me. There are a few Christians who don't like non Christian people. I've met a few. But my wife loves me, even with that difference. I know that's not an everyday thing, a Christian lesbian. But that's what she is and I love her <3

The biggest question people have asked us is how we're going to raise our daughter. I'd like to think we'll bring her up neutral and let her decide what she wants to be.

 
My husband and I began attending a very liberal Methodist church about two years ago, but before that we were both kind of jaded by religion in general due to past experiences. While he doesn't consider himself a Christian, my husband is a monotheist with a love of order. He has been exploring Islam and I have been moving towards Goddess worship and witchcraft.

I believe what makes it work, as previous posters have said, is that neither of us thinks of religion in a fundamentalist way. We both believe there are multiple paths to Spirit, and we do our best not to judge the paths of others.

We have a little one coming in 2016, and after a lot of thought, love, and prayer, we came up with a "family code of conduct." It's basically a list of ethics for the household, and it covers what we believe about Spirit and how we should carry ourselves in this life pretty well. In my view, it's similar to putting up the Ten Commandments in a Christian household. I know you can't plan for everything, but we are going to do our best to support him/her in their path, whichever one they choose. :)
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