The Cauldron: A Pagan Forum

DH and I share a room. And it will probably be like this for a few more years. We have roommates, but the only room that is really ours is our bedroom.

I don't feel comfortable doing anything spiritually in front of him. He wouldn't mock me or anything, I'm just a very private person. It is my own hangup.

How can I incorporate practice into my day without having much of my own space and almost zero privacy?

How can I incorporate practice into my day without having much of my own space and almost zero privacy?

 
What do your practices involve? (Or what would you like them to involve?)

The useful answers for 'how do I make this work' are going to be really different for someone who, say, wants to cast a circle periodically vs. someone who is looking for daily small practices.

Likewise, are there times when your husband wouldn't mind spending time in the other parts of the apartment for a known period? (Like an hour?) Do you have any access to outdoor spaces that might have some privacy? (Even if it's not useful all times of the year?)

I would like to further practice centering and grounding, as well as simply lighting a candle to just sit and connect with myself and whatever deities want to make themselves known. I don't have a practice involving any specific deities as of now.

 
Ok. Here's some things that might be worth trying...

1) I'd encourage you to talk to him about your interests, at least in general terms.

This is someone you're married to, and someone you share a *room* with - there's no way that he's not going to wonder what's up, you know? It's much better to have a conversation about it than leave him wondering what you're doing. (More thoughts about this in an essay on my website.)

You don't need to give a long explanation - something simple like "I'd like to explore some spiritual practices like meditation, I'm really shy of trying in front of you, can we figure out some times that might work for me to use our room for that when you're not around?"

Maybe there's That Show he watches with your housemates that you care about less, so you could do your own thing then, or he's out with a friend an hour later than you get home, or whatever.

2) Centering and grounding are both practices that don't require stuff and are things that take a bit of time to learn but once you do, can be done anywhere. (I center and ground at stoplights, before answering the telephone at work, a dozen other times and places a day.)

This means that maybe you don't need a ton of time to start with - half an hour once or twice a week would give you time to practice more deliberately.

3) You can look at other practices that fit into things you're already doing - for example, a shower or bath is a very logical place for cleansing work, and presumably somewhere you get some private time too. (Also not a bad place to practice centering and grounding once you've got the basics down.)

4) Related, there are a lot of daily practices that can just slot into things you're already doing - some of mine include playlists on my phone and computer of music, the desktop backgrounds I choose, the passwords I choose, the jewelry I wear (very little of which is obviously Pagan), the perfume I put on, the fact I paint my toenails blue as a religious devotion.

Things you read - even if they're not obviously Pagan - also fit in there, or hobbies (crafting, gardening, cooking seasonal meals or meals that are relevant for your practice some other way.)

Some of these may depend on whether you're sharing them with others (I think it's ethically a bit skeevy to feed someone a meal you made in ritual mindset without giving them reasonable notice you did, but on the other hand, "I made a special meal while thinking a lot about home/healing/prosperity/harvest/whatever" is something many people will have no issues with.)  

5) Beyond that, for things that don't require stuff, there are places you can get some quiet space. Sometimes a local park at a particular time of day, if there is one. Library study rooms, as long as you avoid the peak times. Some people manage great things in a quiet coffee shop - you can't do active practice there,  but you can listen to a meditation or work on visualisation skills with some headphones and music on.

For simple devotional objects, there are things like portable shrines made in an Altoid tin (pocket size.) too.

I don't know why I hadn't thought of asking him to leave. I think I'm just still so self conscious about my practice that him even knowing I'm doing something spiritual is uncomfortable to me.

I would like to further practice centering and grounding, as well as simply lighting a candle to just sit and connect with myself and whatever deities want to make themselves known. I don't have a practice involving any specific deities as of now.

 
I would definitely agree with having a chat.  My hubby is a pretty vocal atheist, but he is very supportive of me and what I do.  We've been together now for sixteen years, but it has only been the last couple that I have really felt comfortable enough to do things like meditate when he is in the room.

He knows what I do, and has no problem with it, but still it has always been a weird thing on my end, doing things in front of him, even something as basic and inward as meditation.  So I definitely understand where you are coming from!

A while back I was working on a set of meditations and journaling exercises and wanted some quite alone time every day, so I would go into our bedroom to do it.  He came in one day to check on me (because for us, going into the bedroom and closing the door in the middle of the day often means we aren't feeling well), but after I told him what I was doing, he was very respectful of my time.

If your roommates are comfortable with the concept of meditation, you could make a little sign to hang on your doorknob.  Just something to let them know you are in your personal time, and won't disturb you for little reasons.

I definitely make the most of bathroom time too.  For a daily grounding/centering I find this works pretty well, because I go to the bathroom every morning when I first wake up.  Many people keep a candle in the bathroom too, so if you take a minute or two and light a candle, that can work.  The one thing to consider with bathrooms is that you often can't take too long.  We only have one, so I always check with my family if I am going to do something like take a bath (which always includes meditation time for me) and tie up the facilities for a longer period.

I visit with my family most summers, and then its 10-13 people much of the time, and none of them are very religious, so doing stuff out in the open is not typically something I do.  I meditate while 'napping' or with a book open in my lap (with a tablet it's even easier, because if I don't turn a page in a while it's less noticeable).

Ok. Here's some things that might be worth trying...

Jenett,

Excellent post as always.

Thanks for the ideas.

P.S. I love your website. I've been slowly reading through it these past few months and have already learned so much. Thanks for such an awesome, free resource!
 

If you have a smart phone, there are a lot of meditation apps out there you could try, and music you could buy/rip to an MP3 player. To an outsider, you look like you're just listening to music. So that's great for being out in public and still getting your meditation in. You don't have to assume a lotus position and close your eyes.

Karen

Karen, thanks! I hadn't thought of meditations/spiritual music.
 

I definitely make the most of bathroom time too.  For a daily grounding/centering I find this works pretty well, because I go to the bathroom every morning when I first wake up.  Many people keep a candle in the bathroom too, so if you take a minute or two and light a candle, that can work.  The one thing to consider with bathrooms is that you often can't take too long.  We only have one, so I always check with my family if I am going to do something like take a bath (which always includes meditation time for me) and tie up the facilities for a longer period.

I do cleansing work in the shower, but I think I'll try the candle in the morning, too.

Also, I don't know if you feel comfortable having any dedicated space for things (an altar, or a place for tools or anything else), but my two workarounds are these:  I have a shelf in one of our bookshelves that has become my altar.  I keep my statues there, and leave offerings, etc.  Minimizes space taken up (and I don't have that much to take up space) but gives me a feeling of a "place to go."  I also have a bit of fabric that I only use for divination or magical workings, which I keep folded up out of the way when not in use.  But since I don't use it for anything else, whenever I unroll it and settle it down it's *bam* instant sacred space for me.

I think I'll work on setting aside a separate altar or other space for myself.

I might even look into the Altoid tin sized altar that Jenett mentioned above.

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone!