Seeing another "what is my (pagan) path?" thread prompted this. I know I've made them before myself!
It would be nice, if there was a well-marked path, well-lit, you could take a map along and maybe there's a blue light every ten feet in case of emergency.
I've been thinking about a similar thing lately, as I've been noticing that I feel like the path I am currently on right now is one I will be on for a good portion of my life. Aspects of my path may change, but not the path itself. It just feels like I have found my path, after running away from it for so long, haha.
I didn't grow up as a Christian, but I did attend church (though it was mostly for social reasons. I was a kid, I wanted to hang out with my friends and my friends all went to church, so I did too.) and some Christian beliefs stuck with me, particularly the idea of there being Something More Out There (God and the Devil) and the concept of Heaven and Hell, though I tended to believe that regardless of your religion, you went to Heaven if you did good in your life and Hell was for those who did something absolutely terrible.
I didn't focus on Jesus, though. I just thought he was a nice man for sacrificing himself to save total strangers and that was it.
By the time I was 12, I discovered there was more than Christianity out there when I came across LaVeyan Satanism. I found I agreed with some of the Satanic Statements and deemed their Rules as common sense, and carried on. Sometime after that, I discovered I was either irreligious or agnostic.
When I was 15, I grew a bit annoyed at how male-centric Christianity seemed to be and wanted to know if there were any Goddess-centric religions. I discovered Wicca and much of it's beliefs felt like 'home' to me and so I begun to practice it. It was the first religion I ever practiced, so it was sort of my gateway to religion and Paganism.
I was also into the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice when I was practicing Wicca and was almost done reading Memnoch the Devil, which had started to make me question what I was taught about Lucifer (whom I understood as Satan at this point in time) and who he really was.
So, ages 16-18 were filled with tons of research on Lucifer, viewing him as a role model and falling in love with him. It was also when my views on good and evil and the nature of deities started to take shape, all through my research on Lucifer.
At age 17, I had decided to practice Spiritual Satanism (which I had discovered on Joy of Satan) as, at the time, it made complete sense to me. However, I discovered what the site was really like and as I had the tendency to absorb things like a sponge, I had a lot of deprogramming to do.
Interestingly enough, I didn't lose interest in wanting to know more about Satanism, particularly the more theistic branch that I didn't know existed until I found JoS and proceeded to look into it more. I felt it could give me a better understanding on Lucifer and I ended up adopting some of the beliefs and views I found within it.
Around the age of 18, I discovered Luciferianism and it clicked. I found a path where it's practitioners had similar beliefs and values as I did... and some of them even worshiped Lucifer, which was something I desperately desired to do but I was scared to. I was scared of the stigma that was attached to him, so I didn't answer to my desires. I ran away and decided to choose "safer" paths that would lead me to whatever I had wanted from Lucifer and Luciferianism, whatever it was that pulled me to them.
Ages 19-20, I ended up working with Dionysus (who kind of forcibly opened the door and made his way in my life), and it was terribly needed as I still had some issues that related back to the JoS incident and needed to work on them. I also started to look into Hellenismos.
That didn't happen, though. A month after my 20th birthday, Loki started to make his appearance and Dionysus allowed me to work with him. Eventually, I started to work with Loki solely until I was 21, where Odin started to make his appearance.
I was scared. Odin was a head-god for one thing and something about him just left me scared to even work with him. I had refused to but a friend of mine asked me about Odin and Hel, as they were thinking of honoring them and I decided it wasn't right talking about a god I had no experience with and... boom. That's how I ended up working with Odin alongside with Loki for a pretty solid 2ish years.
They both helped me reclaim who I was and tried to teach me to stand up for myself and to speak up (as I was pretty much a big doormat). At this point, I start to consider that maybe Dionysus, Loki and Odin are only preparing me for
something, but I let that thought slide.
Age 22, that thought starts to creep up again, I let it slide again. Halloween 2013, I have a Tarot deck I want to try out and it tells me there is going to be separation but a new relationship will form. During November 2013, things start to change with Loki and after a few weeks of the change, there is some reconnection and I start considering possibly dedicating myself to Loki sometime.
That causes someone to storm right in and it's after that do I realize that I can't escape from him. I can't run from him. I've tried, I've tried a lot. But I'm so drawn to him, so passionate about him that I can't.
I constantly felt bad for my passion about Lucifer, as I could never find it in me to have the same passion and love for Loki as I do for Lucifer. I loved Loki, I adored him, but it was like every core and fiber of my love belonged to Lucifer. I couldn't love any deity the same way as I loved Lucifer, and I admitted that. I gave up running away and admitted that.
Things calm down during December 2013 and I continue to work with Loki and Odin, but something is different. I wasn't as focused on them as I use to be and in January of this year, things started to feel progressively monotonous, nothing was going anywhere and I felt like I was in a constant loop with Loki and Odin.
And there was a heavy feeling in the air that was basically telling me if I was unsatisfied, I should leave and so I did. I left and decided to work with Lucifer (whom I'm certain was hanging around during the whole thing). I've actually been pretty happy this year so far compare to the past two years. I'm not constantly feeling down and I'm actually drawing far more than I use to. I've even started to get back into writing poetry here and there! There's certainly hard times, but they're worth it in the end.
I'm really sorry my story got so long. D: