The Cauldron: A Pagan Forum

I've been having trouble with my husband off and on, a lot of it I keep to myself because I'm too afraid to speak up but I have gotten better. Just yesterday we were working on painting a mask, a project for a convention and I was following his instructions so no mistakes were made and like many other times I asked a question to make sure I understood his directions and he responds as if it was dumb of me to ask so I told him that when I ask a question I would like him not to act like that and that was the end of it but it is like this a lot. I'll admit I'm not always great at understanding directions so I might ask something that is simple but mostly I do it to confirm so I don't mess up. Whenever I help him there is always a time where he gets frustrated because I'm not doing exactly what he asked, which is why I started asking questions to clarify but now even that has me feeling like crap.

The other day I did do something stupid because I didn't know how to use the grill so I was asking him if I just turn the knobs on and wait, he was like "yeah, just wait" He never told me I needed to have the knob onto the ignite symbol (looks like a flame) and then turn it on, I didn't know any of that, so when I told him it wasn't getting hot he came over and pushed the on button and a burst of flame came up! I was so worried for him and felt so ashamed! An initial feeling of being upset at me is understandable but he treated me like I was stupid for not knowing. He never tells me I'm stupid but in his tone of condescension I always feel it. Not only did I feel bad because he could've gotten hurt but I also felt stupid, even though I was asking for help he acted like I should have known how a grill works.

I've been having dreams now and then about his attitude with me and in those dreams I always want to leave. I had a dream like that last night and that's when I realized that I really am unhappy. There is more to this then just what I wrote of the most recent issues that came up, the condescension thing has been happening our whole relationship, he would shame me for liking certain books and movies, I told him to stop but he really acted like if I thought about these things that I would think like he does, I do think about these things and I have a different outlook on life then he does but he acts like there can be no such thing. He does this with things like when I point out a color and I tell him what I think the color is and he says it's not that color, just straight up, he's right I'm wrong. I'm even hiding the fact that I feel the way I do about nature, animals, naturalism, spiritual things. I hid it all because I revealed myself once about how I felt in a spiritual sense and he was so upset with me and he wouldn't leave it alone until I started hiding that side of me because he's an atheist and thinks people like me are parasites on the human race. One thing he said that I have never forgotten the time I was trying to open up to him was that he had thought less of me and thought I was like everyone else. I am harboring so much hurt and hate in me and yet I feel compelled to please him still. I fake like I don't have interest in certain subjects because I fear his reaction or his shaming.

I know that most people will tell me to talk to him or see a marriage counselor but first off it would be a painful confession to tell him I feel certain ways about things that I know he hates and to even bring up why I want to see a counselor, it would probably turn out similar to the time he hurt me so bad after I opened up. I bawled and was miserable for awhile. I can't even go to events like the holi festival with him and truly enjoy it because he thinks what they say is nuts and he can't seem to enjoy it because of it.

I don't know what to do. I don't even really know if we could continue to be married because our views are different. He hates so many things whereas I try to find the beauty in things. He even thought my approach to the way I viewed people who can be jerks was wrong because I learned that people lash out and are jerks because of their own issues and personally has nothing to do with me but it's good to try to see them as human beings who are dealing with life's problems, even if it's not a peaceful way, he didn't think I should even sympathize with them.

I know this is a long post and I'm sorry but I don't know how to go about anything, I want to try to avoid as much pain as possible but I fear that it's unavoidable if I open up to him and tell him how I feel. It never feels like there is a convenient time to have these things happen because things could fall apart fast and because I'm so busy with school and work it seems dangerous to even try.

Please, help me

I've been having trouble with my husband off and on, a lot of it I keep to myself because I'm too afraid to speak up but I have gotten better. Just yesterday we were working on painting a mask, a project for a convention and I was following his instructions so no mistakes were made and like many other times I asked a question to make sure I understood his directions and he responds as if it was dumb of me to ask so I told him that when I ask a question I would like him not to act like that and that was the end of it but it is like this a lot. I'll admit I'm not always great at understanding directions so I might ask something that is simple but mostly I do it to confirm so I don't mess up. Whenever I help him there is always a time where he gets frustrated because I'm not doing exactly what he asked, which is why I started asking questions to clarify but now even that has me feeling like crap.
The other day I did do something stupid because I didn't know how to use the grill so I was asking him if I just turn the knobs on and wait, he was like "yeah, just wait" He never told me I needed to have the knob onto the ignite symbol (looks like a flame) and then turn it on, I didn't know any of that, so when I told him it wasn't getting hot he came over and pushed the on button and a burst of flame came up! I was so worried for him and felt so ashamed! An initial feeling of being upset at me is understandable but he treated me like I was stupid for not knowing. He never tells me I'm stupid but in his tone of condescension I always feel it. Not only did I feel bad because he could've gotten hurt but I also felt stupid, even though I was asking for help he acted like I should have known how a grill works.
I've been having dreams now and then about his attitude with me and in those dreams I always want to leave. I had a dream like that last night and that's when I realized that I really am unhappy. There is more to this then just what I wrote of the most recent issues that came up, the condescension thing has been happening our whole relationship, he would shame me for liking certain books and movies, I told him to stop but he really acted like if I thought about these things that I would think like he does, I do think about these things and I have a different outlook on life then he does but he acts like there can be no such thing. He does this with things like when I point out a color and I tell him what I think the color is and he says it's not that color, just straight up, he's right I'm wrong. I'm even hiding the fact that I feel the way I do about nature, animals, naturalism, spiritual things. I hid it all because I revealed myself once about how I felt in a spiritual sense and he was so upset with me and he wouldn't leave it alone until I started hiding that side of me because he's an atheist and thinks people like me are parasites on the human race. One thing he said that I have never forgotten the time I was trying to open up to him was that he had thought less of me and thought I was like everyone else. I am harboring so much hurt and hate in me and yet I feel compelled to please him still. I fake like I don't have interest in certain subjects because I fear his reaction or his shaming.
I know that most people will tell me to talk to him or see a marriage counselor but first off it would be a painful confession to tell him I feel certain ways about things that I know he hates and to even bring up why I want to see a counselor, it would probably turn out similar to the time he hurt me so bad after I opened up. I bawled and was miserable for awhile. I can't even go to events like the holi festival with him and truly enjoy it because he thinks what they say is nuts and he can't seem to enjoy it because of it.
I don't know what to do. I don't even really know if we could continue to be married because our views are different. He hates so many things whereas I try to find the beauty in things. He even thought my approach to the way I viewed people who can be jerks was wrong because I learned that people lash out and are jerks because of their own issues and personally has nothing to do with me but it's good to try to see them as human beings who are dealing with life's problems, even if it's not a peaceful way, he didn't think I should even sympathize with them.
I know this is a long post and I'm sorry but I don't know how to go about anything, I want to try to avoid as much pain as possible but I fear that it's unavoidable if I open up to him and tell him how I feel. It never feels like there is a convenient time to have these things happen because things could fall apart fast and because I'm so busy with school and work it seems dangerous to even try.
Please, help me

I can only take your words as they are because I do not know more than what you have written.

Your description fits the model for Psychological Abuse.It's a very real and very harmful form of abuse, as bad as, if not worse in some cases (because of the long lasting effects of being undermined and causing you to question your own abilities and 'worth')than physical abuse on it's own. It's more nuanced and harder to detect from outside a relationship but can and does cause serious long term damage.

I understand what you meant by suggesting counseling and would agree ( without knowing the full story) that the suggestion of attending counseling would trigger more abuse essentially because the abuser knows there is a power imbalance in the relationship and does not want it revealed.

Even if you do not want to attend councelling, there are many good sites online that address this issue. At the very least inform yourself of the facts and the destructive dynamic at work here.

You are not 'stupid' nor are your ideas such as anyone should dismiss or hold of no value. But the more you attempt to conform to another person's standards and wishes (while denying your own),the more you will 'lose' and start to under value your own worth in your eyes.

Please stop this cycle. You have done the hardest thing in reaching out - good on you! There are lots of people to whom this situation is recognizable and many who have lived through this exact same thing.

The situation will not change until one of you does and it looks like it's going to have to be you.

Take help that is offered and don't be afraid to reach out more until you are strong enough to stand on your own. People care - *I* care.  

You are stronger than even you know and with a little boost from others, you can regain the good opinion of yourself that you deserve.

I can only take your words as they are because I do not know more than what you have written.

Your description fits the model for Psychological Abuse.It's a very real and very harmful form of abuse, as bad as, if not worse in some cases (because of the long lasting effects of being undermined and causing you to question your own abilities and 'worth')than physical abuse on it's own. It's more nuanced and harder to detect from outside a relationship but can and does cause serious long term damage.

I understand what you meant by suggesting counseling and would agree ( without knowing the full story) that the suggestion of attending counseling would trigger more abuse essentially because the abuser knows there is a power imbalance in the relationship and does not want it revealed.

Even if you do not want to attend councelling, there are many good sites online that address this issue. At the very least inform yourself of the facts and the destructive dynamic at work here.

You are not 'stupid' nor are your ideas such as anyone should dismiss or hold of no value. But the more you attempt to conform to another person's standards and wishes (while denying your own),the more you will 'lose' and start to under value your own worth in your eyes.

Please stop this cycle. You have done the hardest thing in reaching out - good on you! There are lots of people to whom this situation is recognizable and many who have lived through this exact same thing.

The situation will not change until one of you does and it looks like it's going to have to be you.

Take help that is offered and don't be afraid to reach out more until you are strong enough to stand on your own. People care - *I* care.  

You are stronger than even you know and with a little boost from others, you can regain the good opinion of yourself that you deserve.

 
Thank you, I hold a lot of bitterness in my heart for letting myself be told how to be or what to do and now I'm too afraid to break what I now like to call domestication

Thank you, I hold a lot of bitterness in my heart for letting myself be told how to be or what to do and now I'm too afraid to break what I now like to call domestication

 

Be careful not to confuse reality with fantasy or ideals. From what you have written, the kind of 'domestication'  you have portrayed is the type referred into in the domestication of animals: we train them to our wills.

Relationship can be difficult to navigate but a relationship should be an agreement between *equals*. This doesn't sound like the case here.

No relationship is worth trading in your personality, hopes, dreams and sense of self worth. Unfortunately, that is how these types of relationships carry on: one person so erodes the other person's sense of  confidence and self worth that the smallest show of acceptance creates a disproportionate sense of gratitude and relief.

To be blunt: it's not worth it. it's already broken. If it can't be fixed, leave it behind. Stay too long in the same situation without the healthy changes it needs and it will get harder and harder to either change it or to leave.

 
He is being deliberately cruel.  You can't fix that - he's doing it on purpose, he knows what he's doing, and he doesn't care.  Protect YOURSELF.

I can only take your words as they are because I do not know more than what you have written.

Your description fits the model for Psychological Abuse.It's a very real and very harmful form of abuse, as bad as, if not worse in some cases (because of the long lasting effects of being undermined and causing you to question your own abilities and 'worth')than physical abuse on it's own. It's more nuanced and harder to detect from outside a relationship but can and does cause serious long term damage.

I understand what you meant by suggesting counseling and would agree ( without knowing the full story) that the suggestion of attending counseling would trigger more abuse essentially because the abuser knows there is a power imbalance in the relationship and does not want it revealed.

Even if you do not want to attend councelling, there are many good sites online that address this issue. At the very least inform yourself of the facts and the destructive dynamic at work here.

You are not 'stupid' nor are your ideas such as anyone should dismiss or hold of no value. But the more you attempt to conform to another person's standards and wishes (while denying your own),the more you will 'lose' and start to under value your own worth in your eyes.

Please stop this cycle. You have done the hardest thing in reaching out - good on you! There are lots of people to whom this situation is recognizable and many who have lived through this exact same thing.

The situation will not change until one of you does and it looks like it's going to have to be you.

Take help that is offered and don't be afraid to reach out more until you are strong enough to stand on your own. People care - *I* care.  

You are stronger than even you know and with a little boost from others, you can regain the good opinion of yourself that you deserve.

 
I second this completely. I am married to a strong willed man, and only after Counceling was I able to tell him to "shove it" when he belittled me. There are more details, PM me anytime.