The Cauldron: A Pagan Forum

I've started this thread a ton of times, and I'm just going to bite the bullet and post.

I've seen people talk about how something in their lives had led them to have a crisis of faith in heathenry and I agreed with the people who said it's more about worldview, and not about gods or spiritual comfort, so there isn't much to lose faith in. But this last year totally threw me for a loop, and a 'heathen' worldview sort of fucked me over/didn't help at all.

Maybe I was doing it wrong?

I don't even know how I was expecting heathenry/gods/spirituality to help, to be honest. But I did, especially after all the work I had put in. And it's really hard now to get back into it and...believe in it. Which sucks, because I feel my sense of self was really fucked with this year, and I miss having heathenry as an interest, and I want to pick up where I left off. But it seems...useless.

And not because it's heathenry that's useless. It's just all of it -- religion, prayer, offerings, spiritual viewpoint-- just seem to be pointless pursuits now. I don't even know what direction to go in, and I feel like if I stopped being a philosophical, spiritual geek then I'm losing a huge part of my personality. But I'm also afraid of getting back into that part of myself, if that makes sense.

The only thing I can think of is that it's time for me to join a real-life community and stop going it alone (which hits home for more than just religion).

Anyway. Maybe this isn't SIG appropriate, and I know it's probably hard to work with when I'm being so vague, but... any discussion on this would be appreciated, regardless of you're heathen or not.

I've seen people talk about how something in their lives had led them to have a crisis of faith in heathenry and I agreed with the people who said it's more about worldview, and not about gods or spiritual comfort,

I think the answer depends on what type of help you had expected your spirituality to be, and in what way it failed to be so.

Then there is the fact I make plans and God laughs.

I've always liked this. Thanks for reminding me.


I think I just lost a part of myself this year. Some of the people I spoke to about this while it was happening said that I didn't sound like the 'Juniperberry' that they know. I think the hardest part is feeling like I let myself down; screw what the other people involved might think, you know?

So I guess moving forward for me means finding myself again. As far as heathenry goes, I've already talked about that somewhat wrt going back to the basics of self and my core beliefs, and rather than changing my worldview, seeing what things in a heathen worldview fit in with me.  

This topic wasn't really SIG appropriate, and I apologize for that.

This is sort of a round about response . And please, it's just your post got me thinking as I've been going through something similar but I'm not supposing it's exactly the same but please don't take offense and think I'm co-opting your situation.

I think people evolve physically, emotionally and cognitively all through their lives. I also think we crave what I call 'forward motion', we need to experience change and new ideas whether it be in our activities or our thoughts and feelings and frequently the lack of this motion can lead to frustration and depression. Of course as we evolve, things that are no longer useful must be left behind or at least, put aside until such times as we may consider them again.

When I was very young, my family moved to the edge of serious rain-forest. The stories my father had told me from his culture ceased to be comforting or whimsical. One thing First Nations people know is how hostile and environment can be. So I peopled my forest with the U.K. conception of fairies. This reduced the fear for me and brought me comfort.

When I was older and discovered ancient Greek and Roman myths, I looked to some of the deities that populated those myths.My role model Atalanta got me through a couple of horrible school 'sport days'.
And so it went. As I grew I found a number of my old beliefs or ideas kept repeating but in different settings. I sampled all kinds of religion and spirituality but there always came a point at which the gaps in whatever 'system' I was into became wider than the system's idea as a whole.

I too have come through (and in one way am still going through) a very bad patch. I almost got bitter: at people for sure and also at those things to which I had faithfully paid mind which didn't seem to be paying mind to me. Nothing softened my fall or even showed an alternate path.
So I just ...stopped. I lived as a child with no faith would - expectant and curious and sometimes fearful being without my usual 'touchstones'.

And I have found so far that those things which brought me joy, even for an instant, were still there. I didn't try to name them or possess them somehow or try to capture them with a net made of systems or beliefs. I just free-fall through my days ,taking comfort where I can and also, taking note.
Strangely, those things which help me get through are the very first things , are the ideas and feelings I've *always* had, just now I don't try and translate them into something else.

To tell you the truth, it's been a bit of a relief if I am being honest with myself. It's like starting again but this time without expectation which lays itself open to be baffled and rebuffed. It stuff just happens because we live in small regions of order but within a much larger chaos, then so be it. I do not subscribe to the 'Just world hypothesis so I'm pretty sure I can't move the wheels of the world. I know there will be bad stuff coming, but also,there will be good things, things which I no longer have to attribute to something else but can just enjoy them.

This is a bit personal but so was your post. I can't say to anyone one 'it will be all right' or 'just do this and it will all be like it was' because it would be a lie for nobody knows what will be and what is in your heart and mind. I can only say that for myself that nothing I *needed* ever went away, I was just looking for it in the wrong places or couldn't distinguish between need and want. Now I don't look...at all. But it's all still there, whatever it is . I don't think I'll bother with names anymore. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel about things, only problems of orthodoxy. So I've dropped any orthodoxy and orthopraxy and simply take what I see, feel, experience as it is, not as how I've been told or think it 'translates'. Maybe (probably) it has nothing to do with me, but I'll use what I can in a way that helps *me*. And damned the parameters and mythos.